"It's like slapping yourself in the face" ~ Janes Addiction

Since I spent countless hours/days trying to find out how to place a new post, I am forced to edit this post, because I am in dire need of help. I have deleted my previous post.

Today, I gave my abusive boyfriend ANOTHER chance. The last time he abused me, I avoided him for a few weeks, but I always end up taking him back, thinking he is sorry, and that he will change. But he is never genuinely sorry. He is in complete denial and blames me for all of his problems. He has MAJOR insecure abandonment issues that he takes out on me. Violently.

Today he took me to breakfast and paid (which is VERY rare - usually i pay for everything). I thought it was great. By the time I left for work, he was screaming and threatening me at my car. He explained to everyone around that I was crazy. I no longer have any friends because of his insane jealously. He got meaner and meaner until I had to go to work. When my female boss called, he accused me of having sex with another man. He said everything I do in my life is HIS business, and that I am not allowed to have ANY boundaries or say in my life whatsoever.

He violently screams & yells at ME to stop acting crazy. And then he begs me WHY WHY WHY? And if I answer, he abuses me further. (Just like my father and mother did to me. Did I choose him to be in my life to replace them???) He broke my door handle and kicked many dents into my car.

He said I don't need to talk to or about ANYONE besides him. I am not allowed to focus on myself, or act like myself around him. He complains about me constantly, calling me a * * * * * , * * * * , and never trusting me. Basically, I go to work, college & sit at home alone. I cannot afford to move if i wanted to.

When he stopped for a moment to explain to some passerby lady that I had extreme mental problems, I snuck into my car and locked the doors. He pleaded at me to open the door, calling me crazy, yelling WHY WHY WHY, and ultimately threatened my life. I was afraid he was going to abuse me further. I drove away while he was screaming and beating my car. I drove around the block, sweating & crying in 100 degree weather.

I noticed I was out of gas and he had stolen my last $60 bucks, so I drove back to the restaurant that he was at, and waved for him to come back out and hopefully talk things out. Instead, his friends laughed at me and ordered me to get lost. I pulled myself together, and went to work crying with ulcers, while he watched sports in an air conditioned sports bar for the rest of the day, like usual.

I know this relationship is too abusive, but I don't think I need to move from the town I was born, raised, and go to school in because he and my ex-boyfriend think I should be abused.

The clincher is that I am self abusive now. I have been physically abused so much that I abuse myself for them now, just so they can't have the gratification of hurting me. Usually by now I'd be banging my face into the wall, causing concussions and bruises, scolding and persecuting myself. I am trying really hard to contain myself this time.

My therapists say that HE is crazy; and he is trying to make me crazy; and that no matter how much therapy I get it won't make up for the therapy that he needs and will never get. But he blames me. For what? Loving him?

This has been going on for a 1 1/2 years. I need to end this pain. I don't want sympathy; I want peace. And the peace of dying would be WAY better than this pain of living. And apparently, it is the only thing that will make the status quo happy.

I was supposed to be watching the Lakers with him right now....instead I am contemplating suicide; while he is laughing and partying with my old friends.

What the ???? am I supposed to do?

Well - you've done something different by coming here - so that has to be good. Well done!

Man Cal Lily...I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Is therapy helping you?

Of course we all punish ourselves - it's just a matter of method & degree, isn't it?

Some r 2 hard on themselves, as well....

No, the therapy hasn't really helped. It costs too much for what it is worth, and then my life gets worse because the debt.

In fact, I have just been keeping it to myself now, so that it doesn't get blown up any larger....its better to keep it all in, along with the head tumor.

Hi Cal Lily. Are you in college? Most universities have health services at very low cost. Maybe you have already looked into that, but it's just a suggestion. What do you mean "doesn't get blown up any larger"?

I guess what I mean by "doesn't get blown up any larger", I mean I don't want to bring back the chaos, stress, thoughts and thinking about it in general....

And no, I haven't gotten help in school yet. Usually when the city is involved, it costs me more money. I am currently trying to pay the $3,000 debt from the last time the city of LA "helped" me.

I read a lot, and get some help from my therapist.

Thanks for replying.

I see. I think not wanting to deal with things might be wise in the short term if you have other commitments at the moment. But, whatever issues you are facing will not just go away. You need to deal with them sooner or later. It's encouraging to hear that you read and talk with your therapist. You really can figure this out if you put the time into it. I would still suggest going to whatever health clinic is available to you and just ask what they have to offer. They have FREE services where I go to school.

I think the problem has to do with me, and being afraid to move on, stay, or....anything, for that matter.

During my several year relationship with my ex-fiance, therapists demanded that I NOT try to work it out, let him leave and move on.

My current boyfriend abuses me even worse. My neighborhood helps them both by adding to the abuse and making fun of me. I want to know what I am doing to cause this, but as I mentioned above, my therapist says that THEY need the therapy. She says that since they are both alcoholics that there is basically NOTHING I can do.

Thanks for your thoughts, again, Mark. I am going offline to rest my aching head. Good night...

Ok. I can relate to the aching head! This board is here anytime you're ready to talk more.

k. I haven't found any answers yet. Just more confusion.....if you get any ideas, lemme know......

WHen you say that your therapists say there is nothing you can do... the really obvious thing would be to leave. I know you have financial issues but surely there is some way to get help with this? A friend? A family member?

What are your feelings NOW? Would you still say that you love him?

Have you found an answer in therapy yet for why you put other people's interests above your own?

Hi. Thanks for the reply! I made it to sleep late last night without hurting myself, but the tumor in my head feels like it is exploding. Thought I could find some soothing support here before I go to work, then school.

Confused by your post: "Have you found an answer in therapy yet for why you put other people's interests above your own?" Please explain. I thought they are attacking me up because they CAN NOT control me; because I WON'T put their interests above mine.

"Other people's interests" include that I move, which is exactly what I am against. Why should I move away from MY TOWN because of alcoholic bully threats? I know I am too old to be getting beat up (by dudes), but I'd rather die standing than live on my knees.

Besides, I keep hearing excuses that: I shouldn't judge my boyfriends unemployment because the economy is bad; yet I should be able to move away and get a job at the snap of a finger. So confused here......

And no, unfortunately there is absolutely no friend, family, or person to magically give me money, a place to stay, or help me out. That is why I am trying to sort this out on my own. The friends who I confided in stabbed me in the back ~ after I supported them & their relationships for years. What goes around doesn't always come around.

Therapist thinks: The self prosecution is due to the way my soul was taught to persecute myself as a child, by my family. I was beaten and abused as a child, and even though the rest of my life seems fine now, that abuse manifests in my relationship with my last 2 men.

I don't understand why nobody has asked whether or not you've considered legal barriers. If he's abusing you, call in the authorities, because he - as well as anyone else - has no right to harm you in any way, shape, or form. If I were you, and if you're concerned about the stress he's putting on your life, I'd get a restraining order immediately.

As well as for your peers causing you emotional stress, is there particular reasons as to why they would feel it is right for them to do so?

I would suggest that you don't play meek; don't just roll over and play dead because it sounds like these people are the type to beat a dead horse. It would probably be in your best interest to take ahold of the situation and be confident and don't take the * * * * they throw at you.

I would also say - as a fellow receiver of physical/emotional/mental abuse - that you dump the son of a * * * * * pronto. The fact that you're still with him is a sign that you are, in fact, NOT in control. You know you don't deserve the abuse, but you're sticking around him so you're letting him do it.

Don't let him do it.

You have the choice to walk away from him. Certainly it doesn't mean you have to move from where you are, but it means you stay away from him and ignore him. He should not be a constant in your life; your health and mental stability most definitely should be.

I'm glad you're getting therapy, but I know from experience that therapy won't do anything if you're not willing to make the appropriate changes in your life. It's like talking the talk but not walking the walk.

If you need to talk about anything, feel free to PM me; I'm a decent listener and am rather bluntly honest about my opinions when asked for them.

I am praying for you. Your life is worth so much to so many people. God loves you. You will get through this. Every morning we wake up it's a constant reminder that there is purpose for our lives.

Look, unless you both have problems (leading to the same result), then, YES, his behavior does seem of the mentally ill.

Here's an IDEA - go to your local vicitims services center (u r in LA) and explain that your household member, significant other cohabitant, repeatedly and routinely threatens, demeans, and assualts you, and, that you are in fear for your safety. They (should) will try to convince you to file domestic violence charges against him - honestly, you really should; however, even if you do not, they can help you to move-on and move away from him. It is SO evident that you are SO, SO, VERY unhappy with him and that you NEED to move on with YOUR life.

Please don't be afraid! A couple of shaky step on sharp rocks is the way to climb out of a gulley and get to the meadows!

(accidental double post)

Hello. Just wanted y'all to know things have improved. Thanks for the advice, but I am still paying for the restraining order costs (over $3,000 now) that I tried last year. It caused MAJOR PERMANENT problems in my life. Most policemen told me afterwards that I should NEVER have involved the police. I had to go to court, pay lawyers and leagal bills, and my boyfriend was almost incarcerated for life. Chase BAnk is taxing the hell out of me, and I will be in debt for the next several years, preventing me from moving out of my abusive household unless I become homeless (no, my bf doesn't live here). A restraining order resulted when I asked for THERAPY help and police ADVICE. THe police SAID the order would last for 5 days, but in reality, it can be imposed PERMANENTLY, be COSTLY, and the effects can be DEVASTATING to both parties.

Oh, and when I called the shelters, they were rude, uncompassionate, and lame.

Sometimes we have to learn from our mistakes, though. The head Endicrinologist at county hospital said that I must have some good connections with God. And I am grateful.

However, until there is serious U.S. prison and court reform, I will NEVER ADVISE A RESTRAINIING ORDER REGARDING A DOMESTIC DISPUTE ON ANYONE EVER AGAIN.

Restraining orders save lives, seriously. I've gotten many of them just to give a person breathing room.

I am sure that civil protection orders involve attorney and court costs, but, a criminal protection order is from the court and a victim would not be charged for it. There are many victim services agencies that assist folks with obtaining (in addition) civil protection orders.

Jail for life? "my boyfriend was almost incarcerated for life" - that would be for conviction involving aggravated murder, treason, rape, major drug trafficking....

GREAT news from the doctor! Very happy for you that things are on (a well-deserved) up-swing!

Thanks for the imput "No one". I just wanted to make clear that the costs were not from the restraining order; they were charged to me by a lawyer that helped me reverse the order.

Also, in California there is something called a three strikes law, which the state was trying to use to incarcerate him for life. Here it doesn't have to be for "aggravated murder, treason, rape, major drug trafficking.... "

I want to make clear how serious a restraining order is. It should not be used at a drop of a hat; even though I could understand someone using it as a warning.

By the way, my health has been in a total upswing; Depression, self abuse, stress and many other problems were caused by my faulty endocrine system. My therapist recommended reading a great book called "what is wrong with me" that had many answers that many doctors didn't even mention. Perfect healing to y'all.

Goodnight.

](*,)

Cal Lily

I am very happy for your upswing!

You are totally right - legal (particularly criminal) action is always modt serious. Of course, you can't be blamed for outcomes stemming from his decisions.

How have you been lately? What's the plan? Medicine, diet...?