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Thread: Non confrontational people - how do you find out what they're thinking?

  1. #1
    Lucy__lou
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    Non confrontational people - how do you find out what they're thinking?

    In my group of friends, there's a girl who I think is nice, but I feel that she doesn't like me. But I don't know why. She's a non confrontational kind of person, (and a Canadian), and I don't know how to change the situation. I get a negative vibe off her when ever I hang out with my friends that she's friends with, and it makes me just want to leave. I'm guessing that I've offended her. But I don't know how to get her to tell me what I've done so I can either apologise or try to be understood at least. She seems annoyed whenever I make a joke or comment which is characteristically me. I think she's fed up with my personality, so it's like I can't win.

    I want to be on nice terms with her, but I don't know how. I'd gladly confront her about it, but I have a feeling it would only make things worse. Her good friend, another girl is also not a big fan of me, and when I tried talking to her, it got ugly. I don't know how to communicate with non confrontational types, because all forms of communication inevitably end up being interpreted as confrontations, when all I want is insight so I can try to fix any damage I might have unintentionally done.

    Any suggestions would be appreciated. I really don't like being hated.
    Last edited by Lucy__lou; 03-07-2009 at 01:35 AM.

  2. #2
    Cognitive_Canine
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    Next time she gives you a dirty look after a joke, semi-call her out on it.

    "What? Didn't think it was funny? haha". That might sweeten her up just by having the attention placed on her for bad behaviour.

    Either she has a problem with you or maybe she is just bad at expressing herself.

    Why do you feel that she is annoyed? does she do something direct or is it just a feeling?

    I used to think my friends younger brother HATED me. Turns out he was just really intimidated by me. I found out through my boyfriend (when we were broken up) that he thought I was really cool.

    So, you never know.

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    Lucy__lou
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    Quote Originally Posted by debaser_wolf [Register to see the link]
    Why do you feel that she is annoyed? does she do something direct or is it just a feeling?
    Thanks for the suggestion, wolf...

    She's a bubbly person, friendly and chatty, and she used to be like that with me a lot more than she is now, and it's been like this since I had a conflict with her a few months back.

    Now whenever I am at the centre of attention, she just doesn't banter with me, or really interact.

    Maybe she is intimidated by me, because I'm very confident and outspoken and opinionated, and she's someone who just likes to get along with everyone. But even if that is the case, if her being intimidated by me is turning into resentment and hatred, then it's still bad.

    Something I'll also mention, is that ever since I started getting bad vibes from her and another girl she's a close friend of, I've changed my behaviour. I stop being receptive to them, I shut them out, and talk, tell stories etc for the people who actually like me, whereas if I were getting good vibes from her, I might actually try to talk to her. Not sure if that's a good response though. It gives me a protective wall, but it probably results in me being even more obnoxious and "center of attention" -ish than I already am.

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    TheSmilingTurnip
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    When you have a situation like this, the best thing to do is let go. Just let go of whether she likes you and act as you would if she thought you were just the berries.

    You can't make her like you. You can just give her time to get over her feelings from the friction that you told us about. She has the right to feel however she wants about you and you don't need her friendship. At all.

    When you start thinking about it, turn your thoughts away. Another good trick is to say to yourself, 'She feels this way because of her own stuff, not because of me. She can feel however she wants. Maybe someone just died. No one owes me their friendship and friendliness, and I already have plenty of friends' etc.

    Good luck.

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    Lucy__lou
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    Thanks for the advice.

    Follow up questions...

    I don't have many friends (kind of pretty much zero), but her boyfriend and I have become friends, (it's a miracle, I've been finding it so hard), and as much as he's one of the few people I've clicked with in years, I'm thinking of ending the friendship (subtly if possible), with him, just to distance myself from her. As much as I really value him and his friendship, I just want to be rid of her.

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    TheSmilingTurnip
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    She really has that much power over you? I would think long and hard about that one and think about why I find it so powerful that she doesn't like me that I would be willing to let go of one of the few friendships that I have.

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    bulletproof
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lucy__lou [Register to see the link]
    She's a bubbly person, friendly and chatty, and she used to be like that with me a lot more than she is now, and it's been like this since I had a conflict with her a few months back.
    I'm confused. You say you don't know why she dislikes you but that she's been like this since a conflict the two of you had. What was the conflict? Clearly if that was the breaking point, then that is the cause.

    Also, what does it matter if she's Canadian?

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    Lucy__lou
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    Quote Originally Posted by bulletproof [Register to see the link]
    I'm confused. You say you don't know why she dislikes you but that she's been like this since a conflict the two of you had. What was the conflict? Clearly if that was the breaking point, then that is the cause.

    Also, what does it matter if she's Canadian?
    Ok, I guess it doesn't matter that she's Canadian. Just a cultural reference point, in case I need anything pointed out to me.

    The conflict was about me being hyper critical about certain types of men, who it turns out she is very fond of. (I'm very outspoken, and I was insensitive, and the language I used was highly generalising, and she probably took it as a personal attack on herself as well as the men she loves). I have tried to explain why I feel the way I do, so that it doesn't seem like I'm just spouting prejudice and being judgemental, but I have a bad habit of putting things in a way that it does sound like that, even if I do back it up with detailed explanations of why I have problems with certain types of behaviours in men)... so yeah, I've been clumsy in my language...

    So I've been an idiot. I've subjected her to rants which are totally fine with friends who understand where I'm coming from, but she's a near stranger, and I've made a supremely bad impression on her. When I saw she was upset with me at first, I made an effort to let her know that I was sorry that I offended her, and that I wanted to make it good. But the bad is still in there. She tries to be nice, but then as soon as I relax and start being myself, (kind of goofy) she'll look at me like she has an aversion to my personality.

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    Lucy__lou
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheSmilingTurnip [Register to see the link]
    She really has that much power over you? I would think long and hard about that one and think about why I find it so powerful that she doesn't like me that I would be willing to let go of one of the few friendships that I have.
    when you don't have many supporters in life, you have to protect yourself from people who hate you. you have to preserve your strength for going it alone. When you don't have many friends looking out for you, to say it's ok when things get tough, you have to shelter yourself from bad vibes, because having no one care about you can make you less resilient to mean people

  10. #10
    Caterina
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    I absolutely hate those kind of non communicative passive aggressive people. Personally, you should know that just b/c you want someone to like you, it doesn't mean they will. YOu can't make anyone like you. I think she sounds like a jerk. Not all jerks are blatant with their jerkiness. There are subtle jerks. Just forget her and move on, there are plenty of people who will like you.


    Youc an't be resilient against a mean person. You stay awy from them the best you can and make sure you're around positive people. When yous top caring about what people think, they start to gravitate sometimes.

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