"i would be hurting too if it was the other way around." Ouch...breakups are so imbalanced

Thats the only thing my ex has EVER said to me despite my huge efforts to contact him - (stopped now) I tried desperately to talk - i needed a chance to talk things through so badly, just once and he never ever could be bothered.

He met someone else and all he could ever say was "i would be hurting too if it was the other way around." OUCH

How do you deal with the fact that i've been hurting and hurting so incredibly badly and yet he hasnt hurt at all? Its so unfair and makes me feel so worthless that I was so rubbish he could walk away, instantly replace me and erase me, never ever thinking of me for a second.

God, even after a year,it stings. Its so crap that one person hurts and the other doesnt give a damm.

your not seeing his pain,

look speaking from someone that was the same situation. They broke up with me, and i was so madly in love with her, at the time. tried everything

best advice i can give, and only works if you follow it.

dont be stupid and sleep with someone to brag, or "prove" u can move on. i did and its the only thing i regret to the day.

Take ur time work on yourself. find yourself, and be happy and independent.

NO CONTACT, what so ever. none, zip zero, nada...

surround yourself with friends.. all day everyday. exercise out the anger.. i just ran through it all. and looked awsome at the end of it.

and when he calls. (and trust me he will).. let it go. dont answer, dont be victem again.

and progress from there.

hope you feel better, keep in contact.

My ex said a lot of hurtful things along these lines to me.

I am sorry that you are hurting and I know how it feels. The main thing to remember is that people process difficult emotions differently. It sounds like he is in denial. I am handling it by trying to stay angry and not talking to him. Talking just makes things more confusing. My guess is that even when you know his reasons, you will never agree with him. Arguing with him will get you no where. Just figure out your own reasons for why you would have left him if he had been more honest about his feelings toward you.

I read on this forum somewhere that it's important to remember that the person the other woman is getting is not the person you had. This is totally true and has helped me cope; anyone who is unkind and insensitive enough to walk away without an explanation was probably not the person you loved. That person is gone and you are going through mourning. Totally normal from what I can see.

Unless there are exceptional circumstances, the only explanation for a break up is that the person you were with didn't love you enough. And the closure you receive is that they broke up with you. Explanations are really of no use - either they just deepen the hurt or give you something to argue about or promise to change.

It is rare that someone suddenly decides they don't love and walk out in a day. The doubts about the relationship started much earlier and any fighting they did for the relationship has already been done - and that may have including expressing love in an effort to convince themselves. This is very confusing for the dumpee but it does follow its own logic. The dumper is on a different and diverging path to the person who is left but dumper knows it before they actually break up.

It is easy to characterize a dumper as cold and heartless but usually they are not - they are just not prepared to stay with someone they don't love enough to make a relationship work. And that is reasonable behaviour. It doesn't mean they never loved the person nor does it make them bad. And they are very often not able to articulate reasons for leaving - it is hard to describe why you feel any emotion but impossible to explain why you don't feel that necessary 'spark'. That is why there is no word to describe it other than borrowed words.

The problem is that person left behind feels worthless - but they really should not. They are still lovable and good people (usually) and it is no one's fault that this particular person didn't love them - certainly it isn't theirs.

DN -

I agree with you that the dumper started having doubts about the relationship much earlier. But why didn't he share these doubts with the soon-to-be dumpee then and let her decide if she wanted to continue or not?

In the end, I think that it's a matter of who is in control. Nobody should be deemed a bad person for not loving another person, but the lack of disclosure of what is going on before the "big announcement" is selfish. It may be just human, but wrong anyways.

LFG

That's really well put, LFG, and I agree with you entirely. No one has control over whether love for someone stays or goes and in most cases the right thing to do if love has gone is to leave the relationship. You can't judge people for doing that. But you can judge them by how carefully and honestly they go about it.

It's a tricky balance because you can trigger insecurity in a relationship just by saying you have doubts, but I really do think honesty is the fundamental thing you should expect from a partner and it should never be out of the blue news that the person you're sharing your life with doesn't want to be a part of it anymore. It _is_ human to process these feelings before acting on them, but it's selfish to make a pronouncement and leave the scene entirely.

To the OP, the best comfort I've found for dealing with this sort of thing is to try to remember that a person who could treat you like that is not someone who deserves to be in your life. Their selfish actions say a lot about them and nothing at all about you.

DN -

 

I agree with you that the dumper started having doubts about the relationship much earlier. But why didn't he share these doubts with the soon-to-be dumpee then and let her decide if she wanted to continue or not?

 

In the end, I think that it's a matter of who is in control. Nobody should be deemed a bad person for not loving another person, but the lack of disclosure of what is going on before the "big announcement" is selfish. It may be just human, but wrong anyways.

 

LFG

thanks, its so hard not to see it as a reflection on yourself - that he found it so easy to forget and replace me is hard. I dont feel like i can have contributed much to his life if he was able to disappear and never miss me. I just miss him as a person. i'm feeling much happier, but i miss him still. He was fun and beautiful and i was so happy in his company, i guess i just hurt that he didnt feel the same about me and has never missed me. We had so much fun, but now its him and her and theres nothing i can do about that!

 

The problem is that person left behind feels worthless - but they really should not. They are still lovable and good people (usually) and it is no one's fault that this particular person didn't love them - certainly it isn't theirs.

It is difficult to not feel worthless when the person goes back to their ex that they actually had you meet early in the relationship 3 days after the break up. Then when you have to go to work with them every day and they make your life a living hell, then when you try to talk to them about it and how they are not making it easy by rubbing the new girlfriend in your face and ask if they could be a little bit sensitive so that you are able to work together successfully, they give you a mouthful of abuse and tell you that you should get in the real world and grow up.

Makes you think that was their intention all along, and you feel like a complete and utter idiot and a fool, not to mention any form of trust in anyone you had has been completely destroyed.

I think very often people don't share doubts because they are doubts - they aren't sure about their feelings. Sharing those doubts would be pointless because if there is nothing their partner can do to fix them (i.e. quit smoking, improve sex life etc.) then if they decide the do want to stay they will have destablised the relationship. By keeping the doubts to themselves they can decide whether the doubts are valid on their own.

Don't allow your self-esteem to be determined by other people. Even a partner or an ex. If your self esteem depends on someone loving you then it is dependent on that person and is thereforee not really self-esteem. You should want to be loved for who you are and if someone doesn't love you - that is about them not about you.