Advise on resetting boundaries with EX (sorry long)

Hi All,

I need your perspective on my situation because I have completely lost mine. I have been legally separated (now divorced) since December 2005. My ex husband and I share joint physical custody.

I never wanted the divorce, and I begged for a reconciliation. Well, the result of my begging for a chance is that througout the last two years, we have spent a lot of time as a family. We also live right next to each other, for the kids sake.

Last attempt at reconciliation started around Chistmas, he suggested we look for a house in March but it didn't crystallize.

MY exhusband was still too sensitive to me getting upset or overly sensitive to feel safe moving in together (plus i pushed for remarriage, which he said that was a possibility but not just then.

The issue of me being overly sensitive relates to my being OK acting as a family with extended family and close friends but I did feel uncomfortable at social gatherings when we appeared as a family, for example,he would introduce me as "the mother of the children" to the other parents at the soccer games and that would make me feel really embarrased and sorry for myself. And i would get all sad and he'd get upset at me for not getting a grip.

Last time we talked about the relationship he said he needed me to relax, that he is on the fence, that i shouldn't push it , that I put too much pressure, that it should be obvious to me the door is open and he is figuring out if things could work out between us,he said he must be stupid for not being able to give up. I asked him if he could possibly be keeping me in the backburner in case he doesn't find someone else. He said that was not the case.

After this last conversation something seemed too change, because lately i am getting tired, i'm feeling less attached. I'm starting to finally let go. And i found myself thinking that I would like to have new boundaries. I think i would enjoy some more space and would like to ease into a different arrangement because this is not sustainable in the long run.

I don't know how to reset some boundaries and give myself space without making it sound like a threat,or an ultimatum, or some dramatic manipulative measure. It is not, I just want a little more distance in our separation. But make no mistake, ,my ex husband will resist any change, he is comfortable with the status quo.

I would welcome some words of encouragement, and validation, I am slightly afraid to screw up things but I feel like I should honor my needs as well. (I have a real problem with keeping boundaries especially with him).

Thanks for your time and any advise or comments are welcome.

What is it that you want specifically? Is it something such that you could slowly start to do those things without making mention of it to him? If it's something like "I'm going to stop coming over to do his laundry every Sunday" then stop.

But as for the way he introduces you to others, that's something I would think could have been remedied by you and your husband talking and agreeing on something that works, i.e. "Hi, I'm Ted and this is Sally," and just leaving it at that. If people see a man and a woman in the same place with kids, they will already assume that there is/was some sort of relationship. There's no need to really explain it one way or the other the minute you meet them.

Hi dream83,

Yes ideally would like to slowly ease into less interaction without having to make big announcements and see how that works for me.

He calls me everyday for whatever reason, he is very helpful, fixes things for me, but i want us to be less dependent on each other.

I want us both to heal enough so that we can either move on or move back together. I want to make sure what my reasons for wanting a reconciliation are still valid. I want more space without him getting defensive. Should I have another relationship talk or simply make up excuses? we are neighbors and he comes and goes as if this was his home. I want him to call before showing up, to not assume he can have all celebrations at my house but i don't want to start a push pull game, he tends to be controlling.

(I don't do his laundry though,LOL))

I hear you about the solution to my issues at social gatherings but the issue is within my mind, I would find a way to feel rejected. At some level I felt inadequate, I was a child of divorce and it affected me tremendously, i think my own divorce resurfaced a lot of the fear of abandonment I experienced as a child.

I need more time to let go of those feelings. Not really his fault at all. My issue.

I don't want to ruin chances if he is honest about needing time, especially because i think I need time too, but i don't want him to feel rejected and /or think this is a strategy. I just want a bit more space.

Do i make sense?

You make sense, although I do see how constantly being introduced as "the mother of my children" can be weird. But, that's just me. It's good that you recognize your internal issues and are working on them, because the only thing you can control when relating with others is you. So, that's a really important step you're taking.

As for the space thing, you can sincerely have a calm talk with him and tell him exactly what you just said to me (needing space to evaluate your reasons for wanting reconciliation, wanting to work on yourself, etc.). But, while I'm generally not an advocate of game-playing or anything like that, I think you might be better off by sort of slowly and silently reclaiming your space. That way you won't have to deal with him outright thinking that you're trying to do a power play, and you won't have to worry about the possibility of your ex "magically" deciding that he wants to be with you because you've made a move that looks like he might lose you.

Does he have a key to your place? You could keep your door locked. You could go about your business as you see fit, and if he randomly shows up just be honest and tell him you're busy/don't feel like having company, whatever the case may be. You could suggest having celebrations at his house (say you don't want to have to clean up your house afterward or whatever). Just basically reclaim your space, and he will probably get the picture, one way or another, that you want your personal space back. It doesn't have to be a dishonest thing. You're divorced. Do what you want to do (as long as it's ethical and doesn't harm the kids in any way of course ). You're just as entitled to having legitimate time to yourself to think as he is.

Thanks so much dreams.

Thanks for your words of support. I do need and want my time and space, I have a lot of things to do and I would also like some personal time to do some things I enjoy by myself. No longer willing to invest all of my free time revolving around this relationship --which I really don't know what to call right now LOL-- but I was afraid that it would be taken as a power game.

And no ,my ex husband doesn't have a key,( my older daughter has a key to both houses).

Thanks for pointing out the obvious, i could simply say I don't feel like having company. I'm not assertive at all and I easily feel guilty so its good to hear that i am in fact entitled to my space. I'm so bad with boundaries.

It amazes me how posting and seeing my wishes in writing helped me clarify my thoughts.

Thanks much for reading and for your thoughtful reply!

Yeah, writing it out can be incredibly helpful. It's so easy to get so caught up in catering to others an centering your life around something else while forgetting to take care of yourself.

Glad you're feeling better. Good luck, and enjoy your new-found personal space!