4yrs later and still hurting over an affair?

is that normal or dysfunctional? can i add that it doesn't help me at all that the OW (other woman) is his son's mother whom i have to hear about and even see once in a while or so.

i love love love my fiance. but i can't seem to properly and finally let go of the pain. it still angers me and im damn near obsessed with this woman. i get into my phases of trying to break into her emails and have interest in her group of friends.

i feel sick in the head.

how can i let these pathetic attempts to make myself feel better go?

Try to break the positive aspects out of that experience and everytime that you think about it, think about how those aspects are positive on your life.

I don't know what happened in details but I have no doubt that there is something good to find out of this. No doubt. If you need help finding them, don't hesitate asking.

So, just so I have the facts right...he cheated on you four years ago with the mother of his child, but now he is committed to and engaged to you? Have you been to couple's counseling? How have the discussions about the affair gone?

I don't think a lot of people realize how damaging affairs can be in the long term.

A lot of people seem to think once the actual affair is over- so is the damage.

Psychologically and Emotionally it can be permanently damaging for the partner.

I think it's normal if you ask me- but I think you need to ask yourself if the pain outweighs your desire to be with him ? You love him but that isn't enough if you can't forgive him. You either need to break it off or seek counseling and try slowly to forgive him. I know it sounds easier than it is- and I know there's so much pain there. But he needs to understand that the hurt is not over for you- and he needs to work on helping you love, trust and forgive him - if you want to stay together- couples counseling is the way to go.

The thing you have to focus on is that although he wounded you once 4 years ago, you are wounding yourself again and again by dwelling on this.

What does this obsession accomplish? Does it stop him from cheating (no). Does it make you happier (no). Does it add pleasure to your life (no).

Next time you start up with this, ask yourself, why am i doing this? will it help anything? change anything? make anything better? make me happy?

You seem to want some restitution or punishment for someone destroying your 'perfect' relationship. If you are still together 4 years later, there must be a good reason you stayed, and decided that the relationship was worth saving in spite of the cheating. You have to accept your own decision, that you decided to stay, and trust that that was the right thing to do. By dwelling on it you are not doing anything but injuring yourself, and it is really a futile endeaver to continue to scratch your mad spot all these years later.

You need to have a 'well, this is a stupid waste of time' moment about this. Recognize that what happened happened, you chose to stay, and nothing is changed by your obsession, other than making yourself feel bad. Let it go.

is that normal or dysfunctional? can i add that it doesn't help me at all that the OW (other woman) is his son's mother whom i have to hear about and even see once in a while or so.

i love love love my fiance. but i can't seem to properly and finally let go of the pain. it still angers me and im damn near obsessed with this woman. i get into my phases of trying to break into her emails and have interest in her group of friends.

i feel sick in the head.

how can i let these pathetic attempts to make myself feel better go?

maybe totally letting go of him

4 years is a long time for this level of 'obsession' to me...

im sure it makes it harder her still being involved in your alls life...

i would def try and talk to a counselor over this...

yes there are good things....and yes seeing her and hearing of her doesn't help. and it doesn't help that she talks alot of crap about me to her son..tells him that it was my fault that she's not with his dad....he's a wonderful kid by the way... but he is reserved towards me. its on and off.

she's not an easy person to get along with either. she seems to thrive on "making her presense be known". and hell no i dont show it to her that it kills me. i act like i dont give a damn. she's a 36yr old ghetto chick that lives in her mother's basement taking us to court as often as possible for child support - claiming broke... yet can't live without her name brand items and once a month "mental weekend getaways" to puerto rico or the bahamas from the "stresses" of life.

i dont know. i have a security issue. the ironic part is that he's the one with the jealousy issues. it's probably dysfunctional. but im trying my best.

but seriously... tell me salt isn't poured in the wound when you're doing housework or something and you come accross a picture or an item that was brought back from a vacation spot where the affair happened? i throw the crap out.

i dont have time for counseling. i work 4 days a week and go to school 3 days a weeek. Enotalone is my counseling. typing and venting is my therapy. you people are my comfort zone.

thanks

yeah, counseling is both time consuming and expensive, but it may be worth it in the end.

affairs can def cause long term damage, i dont know what to tell you, im getting a divorce bc of mine and still recovering...

just remember you are only responsible for your own actions, obsessing over others actions does no good, only causes mental pain.

IMHO, 4 years is a long time to be still feeling like this. It could be how you both dealt with the affair at the time (you haven't said) and added to that you have to see/hear from her from time to time and thats got to be "like the wound is being picked open".

I understand that recovering from such hurt is very difficult. IMHO you need to speak to a professional, I don't think you are going to recover this until you do. Surely you can make some time to get help for yourself, you deserve it surely?

The fact that she is still around and not completely out of your life would make it even harder to get over.

Maybe time for him to move on completely from her (even though she is his sons mother) or maybe time for you to let go of him.

What are your reasons for still being in a relationship with this man? If we know that we might be able to help you more.