Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 14

Thread: Hot/cold - why do they do that?

  1. #1
    lilypadgirl
    Platinum Member lilypadgirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    1,291
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    127

    Hot/cold - why do they do that?

    This is a general question about someone acting hot/cold, but I'm especially interested in hearing about ex's being hot/cold, especially dumpers. Why do they do that? How does it make you feel? How do you handle it, especially if you (still) have feelings for that person? Or if you find yourself doing that, is it on purpose or what's going through your mind?

    (BTW: Hot/cold behavior I'm referring to is when you're okay with things or at peace with things and that person does something or reacts in a way that shows they are affected by or desire your presense. But when you take the bait or react to it, they act distant and cold towards you.)

  2. #2
    robinhood
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Scotland
    Age
    27
    Posts
    266
    Gender
    Male
    I'm quite young but from my experience, acting hot/cold only serves one main purpose. For example, the girl acts very warm and affectionate to the guy on day 1, everything is perfect. He kisses her goodnight. Day 2 comes along and she half-ignores him. He is hurt and at the same time, dazzled by this sudden change of behaviour. The guy will thereforeeee "work" harder to get back in the girl's good graces.

    I personally find the system retarded. Hope that helps.

  3. #3
    Clementine orange
    Platinum Member Clementine orange's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    La Belle Province
    Posts
    3,590
    Gender
    Male
    My ex did that all the time. Basically it ruined the relationship. When I started doing it to her - towards the end (out of spite or revenge or just pure survival) wow, she did not like that one little bit!
    Now we've broken up and she wants to be friends but I'm not having any of it...she is furious. Little princess allways gets what she wants. OK, I'm getting off topic here, sorry.

    to sum up: hate the hot/cold thing - very immature and annoying.

    I posted here about this very subject - here's the link [Register to see the link]
    Last edited by Clementine orange; 03-10-2008 at 06:55 PM.

  4. #4
    lilypadgirl
    Platinum Member lilypadgirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    1,291
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    127
    Thanks robinhood and clementine!

    Yeah, I agree that it's immature and very frustrating! I feel like my ex doesn't want me back, but doesn't want me to move on either (at least not before he finds a new girl).

    Why can't people just be straightforward? URGH!

    Haha, sorry needed to vent.

  5. #5
    Clementine orange
    Platinum Member Clementine orange's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    La Belle Province
    Posts
    3,590
    Gender
    Male
    Quote Originally Posted by lilypadgirl [Register to see the link]
    Haha, sorry needed to vent.
    go ahead - I just did!

  6. #6
    Illyria07
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    17
    Yes, why can't people just be straight forward?! This is what I don't get either... My ex was nice and friendly early on while I was too cut up to talk to him; now that I'm fine, happy and together he's blanking me.

    You mentioned about feeling as if he doesn't want you to move on; I've been thinking about that lately as I've realised that one of the reasons him behaving this way is bothering me so much is that I find it really difficult to move on properly while the situation is like this. We have to see each other regularly for work, and him getting uncomfortable whenever I get near him just highlights the issue of 'us' and makes it seem as if there is something there that isn't resolved. Although I have no idea what it might be...

  7. #7
    lilypadgirl
    Platinum Member lilypadgirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    1,291
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    127
    Illyria07, that's exactly my situation. I have to see him everyday so it's hard for me to ignore him being hot/cold. I think there is definitely unresolved issues between us, but I've already played his hot/cold game too long. Every time I reach out to him, even in casual friendship he backs off and acts cold and ignores me. So I say to myself, fine, we don't have to be friends and do my own thing, he starts to act all hurt and sad when bumping into me and try to make small talk until I respond and he backs off again. I even confronted him once about it (albeit over email) and telling him in a nice way that I'm okay with being friends and okay with not being friends. He said that he acknowledges that it's been awkward between us and that he's glad we're friends and doesn't want to lose me as a friend, but part of him doesn't want to be friends either. How ambiguous is that?!

    Just reflecting on robinhood's words, I hope he's not trying to get me to work at chasing him for rebuilding the friendship! It's a two way street!

  8. #8
    Mustang
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    1,053
    I think sometimes the dumper might be battling with their decision. They may be confused and sometimes they might say something in a text or email that they think may give the ex the wrong idea and then they kind of back away to not give them the wrong idea.

    That's the impression I get with my ex anyway.

    Sometimes it feels like we're getting really close and then I'll make a flirty comment and she'll back off.

    It's frustrating but I just hope that she gets confused as much as I do.

  9. #9
    Hunny
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow
    Posts
    558
    Gender
    Female
    This is what happened to me that has actually crushed me into pieces. Over a period of 5 months, he went from Cold to Hot to Cold and its just heart breaking. I wish i knew where I went wrong.

    things were bad- cold,
    then months later a mild friendship starts establishes
    i suddenlty feel fantastic
    he feels good about it too - you knwo when you can just tell
    we're not proper friends but we are friendly and nice to each other.

    and then the other night in a texting conversation i mention in passing 'im so we can finally be friends.'

    he doesn't really give a direct response.

    Then hours later he randomly messages me saying he doesn't want me in his life.


    WHAAAAAAAAT?!

  10. #10
    Hunny
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow
    Posts
    558
    Gender
    Female
    haha and now hes just messaged me to apologise saying he didn't mean it!!
    Do you see me point?!!? why do they do this ?!

  11.  

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Top Threads
My own worst enemy
A week before my ex dumped me.. We had a date and went for some ice cream....She told me that she wasn't happy with her life...Dissatisfied with her
Contacted first love online after 25 years.I am married ,he is not.
We met when we were both 14, had a bumpy relationship, on and off for 2 years and then he left me.I was in love with him. The kind of love where you
Confused bout Ex....I know He doesnt want me back but why did this happen?? Men plz advise!
So my ex broke up with me right around new years 9 months ago. I didn't know he was unhappy with me so much and he met someone else and didn't tell
So hard forgiving the one you love.
After 3 yrs of having tough love I really have nothing but lots of bitterness towards him and it gets alot worse having to think about all the bad
Ex is being weird
So my ex who broke up with me in the ugliest way has totally disappeared from my life now. We had no contact for like almost 7 months. I mean it was
why did he unblock me suddenly
My ex blocked me two months ago (3 years relationship) straight after the BU, our BU was not bad but when he saw me partying and enjoying my time he
Do I sound stupid???
Hello Guys, I hope you'll spare some minutes to give me an advice! So, I've been on and off with my ex for the past 4years now.. he was my second

Expert Advice
Featured Threads
The ex that wouldn't go away
I am engaged to the woman of my dreams. After a couple dates I told everyone I was going to marry her. She told her friends the same. My only hang up
Crying
IM A 63 YEAR OLD WOMAN ,and my life has turned upside down. I cry day and night. For some damn reason I'm lost , alone and just cant figure things
SO (girl of 23) doubting our relationship, won't let go of ex
So currently going through a very complicated situation with my SO. I started seeing this girl in November of last year, while she was still with
My friend has no life...No job and currently lives at home. At nearly 30
One of my very good friends has always been the impressionable type. When I encouraged her to have stronger boundaries, to be less passive and to
Ex is getting married
Hi, I went into no contact with my ex around 14 weeks ago. I had decided that there's nothing left for me to do or say that would bring her back to
Friendless and Lonely
Hi all, I've decided to turn to an online forum for advice on a current friendship issue. I want to say thank you in advance to those who take the
Swapping childcare, she stopped responding...
Background: I struggle with intimacy and relationships in general. Coming from abuse and neglect means I've always struggled with trusting others
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •