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Thread: Is the relationship worth saving?

  1. #1
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    Is the relationship worth saving?

    I have been in a long-term relationship for 8 years however, engaged for 3. The relationship for both of us is our first and only long-term relationship. Recently he has stated to me that he is not happy with his life as has not experienced all there is to in order to be certain that a committed relationship is what he truly desires. Moreover, for half our relationship he has harbored this doubt but chose to act only to make me content.

    How can I be certain about our relationship and he is not? Is this common in long-term relationships? How do you overcome such doubt?

    We currenlty share an apartment together in which we have minimum communication with one another. And this is in part due to his drastic change in character. In the past and now he has not truly communicated with me in the sense that I can be connected to him. This may be the result of me not emphasing this enough to him.

    I feel as though this is an opportunity for him to work on his ablity to communicate with me in that he can share his emotions good or bad with me.
    How can I convience him of this?

    In conclusion, what will not break us with make us stronger. And I want so despartely for him to know that I am not only a good woman but a good person. And if he is willing to discover work on some of his own issues that I will be supportive of that rather than pushing me away completely.

    Is this relationship worth saving?

  2. #2
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    Well first off, it's not "emotionally healthy" to believe you can "convince" someone of anything... especially after all the years and intamcy you have shared, he is who he is, whether he's with you, or with someone else, his issues are HIS, and they are not about YOU. So try not to take his "issues" personally.

    The one thing that is a huge "red-flag" is your statement that you want so "desperately for him to know that you are a good woman and a good person". So for today, it's important that you stop trying to "convince him of this" instead, ask yourself, "why would I want to build a life with a man who does not already respect, cherish, admire, and know who I am?"

    Can you answer that? It may be helpful in us giving you some adivce...

  3. #3
    Silver Member Ripples's Avatar
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    Hi 1 Confused

    Im sorry to hear about your problem, it must be very distressing for you.

    I agree with blender. Your partner is obviously in a place where he cant and will not value who you are as a person and most importantly what you bring to his life.

    What you should not do is start trying to convince him about you. It will be far healthier for you to sit him down and acknowledge where he is in his life at the moment and that although you find it difficult you respect it.

    You are who you are and it is up to him to realise your value. Personally I think you should (once you have acknowledged his feelings and said your piece) withdraw and give him time and space to figure it out. I hasten to add that over a period of time (maybe months) he will likely figure it out especially if you restrict his access to you. In other words move out asap.

    This isn't playing games this is a perfectly healthy and mature reaction that will protect you and your emotions. As and when he wants you back he can come and find you and that is when he will have to take your feelings seriously.

    Dont get into a dance of trying to convince him to stay, it will only be a short term fix.

    I hope this helps.

  4. 12-28-2006, 08:34 PM

  5. #4
    Member assumeLove's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by 1 Confused
    I feel as though this is an opportunity for him to work on his ablity to communicate with me in that he can share his emotions good or bad with me.
    Sounds like he's communicated his emotions to you. Perhaps it's more of an opportunity for you to learn what to do next.

    I hope you see this as good news -- working on someone else's abilities is MUCH, MUCH harder than working on your own, and working on your partner's abilities usually damages the relationship.

    Yes, it's very possible it can be saved. You just need a few new skills. Look for a PREP class in your area or one of John Gottman's or Howard Markman and Scott Stanley's books.

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