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Thread: (long) Wife loves me but is not in love with me

  1. #31
    Bronze Member mike_chppr's Avatar
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    OK, last night was and still is horrible. She is out of town. when she told her dad I said thank you and that it was a total relief. She retorted with "It wasn't for you!" I then had a realization that the distance between us is becoming unmanagable. She is avoiding me, doesn't want to have "discussions" anymore, she is repulsed by me. Everything is becoming so much more real. I called my uncle, he was like you have to wake up everyday and choose happyness. You have to wake up and know and focus on two things, first is being a good person, second is doing the things that make you happy. By lying and deciept, not communicating, you messed up the being a good person, and now my wife who makes me happy is unsure. Things have transpired so quickly. We went from I don't know if I can be in love with you anymore. To this. I called her last night. I tried to talk with her on the phone, but she wasn't having any of it. I sound so pathetic. I told her that I would "never lie to her again" STOP! "cold turkey right now" and that if there was even 1% in her mind that this can work out, I want to start doing couples counseling together. Because these discussions aren't really helping, they are only making things worse. I talked with my team leader from Iraq last night, I confessed to the lies that I had told the team about our relationship. About our relationship being highly sexual in nature when it really wasn't. It is tough telling your close friends that you are a habitual liar and cannot keep your fantasy world in your head, but have an immature need to express it verbally and then stick to your guns about your story. I've come clean to my coworkers, the ones that I'm rather close to anyways. My family, I told my uncle and brother. It is somewhat of a relief to have the cat out of the bag. But then the anxiety is surging throughout my entire body. Clutched with fear of abandonment, hurt, and feeling the pains that I have caused others possibly multiplied upon myself. Forgiving myself is near impossible, and I'm not ready to do that yet. I need to feel the agony that I have caused others. I need to experience life in such a tramatic way that My attachment networks change. I don't want to have a fearful-avoidant attachment style as I'm solid in this category. I want to be very much in the catagory of Securely attached. I believe 100% that the human brain is maleable. I can and will change. The only way I can change is to feel and to feel the evil sides of me to contrast those with the good sides of me. I can no longer suppress anger, fear, anxiety, rage, and depression. I have to figure out how to let them out. (Without killing anyone or anything of course)

    But in the end, as my wife says, "I didn't do it for you!" It boils down to the idea that me changing may not be her motivation for going down this path. Like the gay child that tells his dad that he is gay, there is nothing the father could have done. The child did it for him. If she walks out on me I have to accept that she did what was best for her irregardless of the stupid things that I have done in our relationship. I'm a little more stable keeping this in mind, and not beating myself up so badly, but it still doesn't make me feel any better. I'm going to loose my best friend, my house, my companion out of all this.

    I also have to recognize that everytime i lied or tricked my wife into doing something that was a decision not to be with her. I have put all those decisions in a bank account and the investment is being doled out. My uncle is a real role model for me. He and his wife are happy. They live each and every day under the premise that life is too short, do the things that make you happy, be a good person, you have nothing to loose by full disclosure with your mate. So to those of you that may be reading this, Hug your spouses give them a kiss everyday. Go out and do the things that make you and your family happy. Because in the end, life is short, and agony soaks up way to much time and energy.

    I want to fight for my marriage, but in reality the decision isn't mine. It is hers, I don't want to idly stand by and have her contort my fate. It is also impossible to sit on the couch and idly watch this all transpire. I can sulk and I am, I feel pathetic, and there has to be a time where I snap out of it. I can't blame this on PTSD or her, I am the one that has to live every day of my life with myself. I have to do the things that make me happy. Which involves a cessation of lying, forgiving myself, and learning to attach and connect and feel others.

  2. 11-15-2006, 01:58 PM
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  3. #32
    Bronze Member mike_chppr's Avatar
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    Well how is this working out. I can't continue to grovel for hugs and kisses and affection. If she wants to be married then she has to give an inch. If I wait for her to move out I am playing the victim. My mom played the victim my whole childhood and I refuse to repeat her path. So have I done....

    I came home today and moved out of the room. I moved into the extra bedroom. I took all her extra clothes and moved them into our bedroom. and moved mine there. I drug my dresser into the other bedroom and am sleeping on a fouton.

    Do I love my wife. Absolutely. but groveling is one sided. At this point she cares nothing for how I feel and what I'm going through coming back from going to Iraq. She does not love me. I cannot sleep next to her and have her think I will not want to touch her. For heaven's sake she is my wife.

    I'm taking control of this. Either she loves me and wants to work this out or she doesn't. There is no middle ground where she can make me grovel and be pathetic and have her feel good about herself for leaving a wimpy, nerdy, needy, wet-puppydoglike husband. If she really wants to be alone then that is what she is going to get, but if I play the victim I will walk away with nothing. Oh, she has told me I get the dog. Big Whoop! If we split I will fully take what is rightfully mine. If I grovel and give her anything, what does that do for me, but will kill my mental health for the next 5 years as I try and lick the wounds make people feel sorry for me and pick up the pieces. To hell with that. I have to live with myself each and every day. I don't know how long we will live in separate rooms, but I will continue to love her and do loving things for her, but I'm not going to grovel for affection, touch, hugs, and kisses.

  4. #33
    Bronze Member mike_chppr's Avatar
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    OK I'm home now. Yea, this feels really lonely. She hasn't come home from work yet. I sent her a text message to tell her that

    "I've moved into the extra bedroom. We can talk about it later. I don't want to spring this on you when we are together."

    Three options. I tell her on the phone, I text message her, or I wait until she comes home and tell her in person while she witnesses the new setup in the other room and missing dresser as you walk into our... her bedroom.

    I didn't want to argue so I texted it to her. She immediately called and basically called me a coward. She asked if I wanted her to get separation papers. I told her no, this is not what this is about. She then seemingly tried to make it seem like her idea, a sort of I was going to ask you to move into the extra bedroom anyways. She said I was avoiding her. OK I haven't seen my wife since Monday night at 10:00 and then I left for work at 5:30 on Tuesday and I haven't seen her since then. Who is avoiding who here. She says she is working in __________ staying there for business but where I work is twice the distance and I commute that everyday. Who is avoiding who here? And the idea of being a coward. It took a lot of courage to move into the next room. I had to swallow a lot of hurt and self pity to do this. I don't think there is anything cowardice about sending a text message.

    Next in line, I mentioned that I'm tired of how all of our arguments end up being how pitiful I am and how I need to get help. I told her that this isn't about "me" getting fixed it is about "us" getting fixed. She disagreed and really felt that this was about fixing "me!" It is upon this point that she asked if I wanted her to go ahead and get separation papers.

    Oh snap, she is home.....I really don't want to argue, I don't want to be vindictive, I don't want to bring up the past. I want to start from here. forgive each other and start from here. We live in separate rooms, lets be nice, lets date, lets get to know each other again.

  5. #34
    Bronze Member mike_chppr's Avatar
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    Well it is over. She said it best.

    If we don't have trust we don't have anything.

    I lied to her and there is nothing that will keep that trigger in the back of her head that says I won't dump a deluge of lies on her again in two years.

    I take it this is no longer appropriate for the Long Term Relationship Board.

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