!!!!I need advice- Quickly Please!!!!

I got married last year with my live-in fiance of 2 years.

First of all we had gone to watch Passions in March 2004. I felt so bad afterword that I told him we could not have sex until we got married. We were going to get married the following year anyway. He suggested that we do it soon. Okay fine. We get married on his birthday (April 2004). But on the way to Vegas I just was not sure if I should go ahead and do it. Even when I said I do I was thinking I don't.

I was hoping every thing would be fine. I would fall in love with him even more. I did.

We moved from California to Georgia in August 2004. We both have cell phones on my moms account. I kept on asking my mom why is the bill was so much higher than what we had anticipated. She said she'll bring the bill out to Georgia when she comes and visits so that I can look at it.

I looked at all the bills (My moms, mine and my husband). I came accross two numbers. Come to find out he (truck driver) met some girl at a truck stop 3 months prior to me finding the bill. The girl told me they were just friends he told me that also. But what I keep on wondering if you were friends then why didn't you tell me. He wanted to have his cake and eat it to. I told him when we met and throughout our relationship that honesty and respect are the best qualities. He betrayed me and I told him it's going to take a while for me to trust him. We were going to get a divorce. Trust is a powerful word to me and if you don't have that you don't have nothing. That's exactly what I feel that I don't have nothing in my marriage. We are always arguing. I'm always bringing up that situation. I lost respect for him. I also contiplated cheating on him. But noooooooo I'm married. This is very confusing to me. I don't want to get a divorce. But I'm falling out of love with him. I don't trust him. CAN I HAVE SOME ADVICE PLEASE

It sounds as though there was alot of doubt in your mind that you even wanted to marry him, and that he pushed up the wedding so he could have sex with you.

You married him when you didn't love him?

Why?

What do you want to see happen now?

If you are going to fix this marriage you are going to have to stop thinking about cheating and work with your husband to get this back on track, and he is going to have to earn your trust again.

Have you two considered counseling? How is the communication?

I dont see where you mentioned that he did actually cheat on you. Maybe its possible that your own apprehension towards the marriage is leading you to believe that he cheated.

exactly...

First of all, you married him but you weren't sure and you were unsure about your love for him. Wow This just leaves the door open for...any little thing he may have done for you to pick at.

The cell phone and friends. Were you or are you a jealous person to begin with? meaning... do you think a man can have female platonic friendships? The reason I am saying this is because maybe he "is" just friends with this woman. And didn't say anything to you because you'd accuse. Just a thought. Jealousy in a relationship makes people do strange things.

Should you have an affair??? Oh heck no. Why would you do that to yourself. Add more to your misery at the moment. You'd feel guilty as heck and not be able to look at yourself in the mirror. AND... you'd give him leverage. So.. no no no no no.. you should not have an affair.

How does your husband feel about this relationship or the state that it is in? What does he suggest you both do?

My suggestion to you.. is to go find a good marriage counselor to help the both of you sort this thing through. You want to save your marriage and preserve your diginity. Your sense of self. Then you need tools. Go to a counselor. If he won't go.. then you go for you.

You'll need to somehow put this behind you and work again at the foundation of your relationship. You will need ground rules and rules of engagement just to get honest dialog flowing again, so you both can work on TRUST. Earning it and keeping it. But you've both gotta want to make it work for it to work. So the choice is yours and the ball is in your court right now.

Hope 75

I married him because he was good to me. He treated me right. I want a life with him. I want to achieve goals with him.

We really do need counseling. We've talked about it. Our financial situation just can't afford that right now. I was thinking about going to a pastor to get counseling for us. I just have to do some researching over the internet for marriage counselors.

Thank you for your response.

To Shadowslight

Your absolutely right. That's fine for him to have platonic friends. But just as I gave him the same respect to tell him about the few male friends I had he could have done the same. No I'm not a jeolous person. I just feel if your hiding it behind my back then your hiding something. I already know what he thought 'if I tell her about finding a friend then she'll do the same' he didn't want that to happen.

To stratguy620

He cheated on me emotionally. If I did the same thing to him he would not have liked it!

I dont think you can expect someone to tell you about every little facet and detal of their life. That being said, as far as I can tell, he was just friends was this girl. Why does he have to tell you about her? Why stop with just his friends? Maybe he should tell you about what he had for breakfast, or what time he used the john. (Im kidding obviously) Do you tell him about every single one of your friends? Does he consider you and friends emotional cheating?

to stratguy620

You probably missed it but we are married. Yes he would consider me cheating on him if i didn't tell him about my male friends. Yes he knew everything before this incident transpired. I don't share as much info as I did.

Maybe its just me...but in my past relationship. I didn't think it any big deal to talk about or not talk about...every convesation I had with a male friend. If I mentioned something somone had said or did it was in passing and sharing an anecdote. And yes.. I'm sure there are male acquiantances I have all over the country that I may have or may not have mentioned. Too many times to count... he used to say, you never told me this or that... well.. Yes.. I did, he just doesn't remember. lol.

And.... truly. I didn't pay attention to any of his talk about female friends. Quite honesty, he probalby would mention names but I couldn't ever remember them. Didn't think anything of it. Nor would I think anything of him NOT mentioning any names or telling me about something.

LOL.. stratguy620... yeah, my husband would sometimes give me more information than I needed regarding his personal..habits. OMG. Do I really need to know this??? TMI TMI TMI.....

KimKim72... well you've got a serious breach here now. No use in crying over spilt milk and could have, would have, should have's. The cats out of the bag now.... so, now you have to find ways to patch up those trust issues.

Try to go to your pastor... it may help. Also... Dr. Phill has an excellent book out. Relationship rescue. Get the book and the companion workbook. He's so down to earth!! I've got the books... however, alas, it was to late here. So... maybe it will help you. This is fresh and new...and you haven't had time to pick up 15 years of baggage yet. lol. So give him a whirl. Good luck.

I'm not trying to sound pessimistic here, but I would really be leary about believing him. The exact same thing happened to me. My exhusband was an OTR truck driver and I came accross numbers on his cell bill. Long story short, even though they BOTH said they were just friends and knew each other from where he delivered to her work, I found out shortly aftewards they were having an affair. I had the same thoughts myself: if they were such good friends and only friends, how come I had never heard about her? How come I had never met her? All I'm saying is, 9 outta 10 times they aren't going to admit it, especially if it's something they can get away with (meaning, how are you going to know if he is trucking all the time). Always go with your gut.