Question for the guys - why is he behaving this way?

Hello everyone. I hope you can help me with this one (I'll try and keep it short!). I've known this guy for about 5-6 years (we met @ work) and have always been attracted to eachother. We were very close friends for many years (probably too close) but when we met we were both seeing other people, then he was single for a while, but I was in a long term relationship which I couldn't leave. We both confessed our feelings to eachother, and in drunken moments of weakness we kissed (twice), but when he realised I wasn't going to leave my partner he cut me out of his life completely and moved on.

This destroyed me, but I couldn't stay on the merry-go-round we were on either, so I focused instead on the relationship I was in. Anyway, a year or more goes by, then he breaks up with the gf, then my bf leaves me. By this stage we've started to be friends again (just) and surprise surprise, we end up sleeping with eachother after a few months. But a few weeks into our little 'fling', I freaked out, because it was looking like it was getting serious (he confessed to having strong feelings) and I'd just come out of a serious relationship and wasn't ready. Plus I was worried about our ex's finding out (which they eventually did), and the whole thing was looking very messy. So I cut him off completely.

Then another year goes by. I was seeing someone else, but getting messages from my 'friend' telling me that he loves me etc. I just ignored them. In fact, I pretty much ignored him for about a year...I refused to see him, or when I'd agreed to see him I'd freak out and cancel at the last minute (I didn't trust him, or myself enough to see him). So anyways, the new relationship ends, and after a few months I agree to see my friend (finally). Yep you guessed it - we were still attracted to eachother, and after a few weeks slept together (again).

So then I'm all confused, thinking maybe if I still like this guy after all these years I should just admit to myself (and him) that I've been wrong and have really loved him all this time (and I know it sounds skeptical, but its true!). So I do just that, and he says he needs space, so I took it back (I know, I'm a coward!)

But then after a few weeks of soul searching I wrote him a letter telling him the truth (once and for all!) and told him how I was scared in the past & didn't want to admit to myself the truth, etc. Anyways, he wrote back saying the letter was good, he just needed some time to let it sink in....so I haven't contacted him again (cos I dodn't want to appear too needy).

That was a week ago, and I have a sneaking suspicion he's not going to contact me again. My friends say he probably doesn't trust me cos I've jerked him round so many times before (and I have, I know!) so I'm preparing myself to kiss this one goodbye and move on.

Sooo...I guess what I'm asking is do you think I have a chance? If so, what can I do to win him back? Or have I done too much damage, and should I just forget it and move on?

I know I've behaved badly, and I regret it...I just couldn't deal with my feelings for him before. But no one has ever made me feel the way he does, and I think I could (or do) love him. I want to fix things if possible.

in a honest reply, This guy is probably thinking... "Hello... I was here the entire time, and you were blind to see me."

It sounds like he could go either way... He probably has feelings for you, but remembers how rejected he was before, and doesn't want to get anything started and then you find that you don't REALLY love him.

But I could be completely wrong, and he could call you tomorrow

-From a guy going through some personal issues

he's probably thinking about it. think about it this way: you're a fish, you're swimming along, and you see something bright shimmering in the water. now if you're a YOUNG fish, you eat that little water bug or whatever-- only discover it was a lure with a hook in it, but by then you're in the boat or the ice box or whatever. but if you're an OLD fish, you're going to swim around it for awhile and you know it COULD be a lure or it COULD be a nice juicy bug...you just have to figure it out.

so you should give him a little time to figure it out. but if he doesn't come around then he was bsing you the whole time. how long should you give him? i don't know. not forever, obviously. but more than a week.

i once erroneoulsy broke up with a girl i shouldn't have. and i wrote her and i called her regretting and trying to take back my decision. six years later i married someone else. five years after that, after my daughter was born, this girl calls me out of the blue from another state. i had to explain to her that had she called me within five years of my last letter i would have changed my life for her. but when she did, it was too late.

now, given what i ended up marrying, i should have waited those eleven years for that call. the point is if he waits too long you will find someone else and you will get over him and he will be a day late and a dollar short. but if that is who he is, do you really want a long term involvement? is it endearing for a guy to always be a day late and a dollar short?

I don't think he was BSing me, when we started something a year ago he wrote me this long letter saying how he felt and how he didn't want 2 not be something in my life etc etc...he's written me stuff like that before, (over the years) I just couldn't face up to the truth and so kept rejecting him

And he's confessed 2 my sis, our friends and his ex that he loved me...could he be BSing though?

I think that's what I've always feared, that his feelings weren't real, that he only wanted me when he couldn't have me, etc. But the last time we hooked up + he wanted a relationship we were both single, but I said no, so now I dunno if I was right or wrong???

Ppl who know me (& him) asked me what did I expect him to do, after so many years of rejection. So I told him the truth, and promised him it was genuine...I'm just scared its 2 late, and I'm just scared the last time we slept together was his way of saying goodbye, once and for all. I told him I felt used and he said he didn't use me, just went into hiding for a while cos he went a bit weird....

I just don't get it...when he found out I was single again, he kept callin + messaging, & we hung out, got close again...one night he stayed over, but I told him I didn't want anything 2 happen, and he just lay beside me & watched me sleep...we kissed, but then the next mornin I behaved like a fool, & snuck him out before my flatmate could see him there.

So you see, I've been sending mixed signals...but now I've made it so friggin obvious for him, and he's disappeared!

another theory would be that he's like the dog that caught the car. now what?

we always want we cannot have. it may be that as long as you were unavailable he was dying to have you. now you're his-- he doesn't want you so much. many people find the thrill of the chase better than actually being in the relationship.

and yes it is certainly possible he was bsing everyone while he was pining away, never thinking he would actually be called out to stand and deliver. but we won't know yet because not enough time has elapsed... although clearly the clock is ticking.

but it really doesn't matter what the answer is because eventually you will know. the problem is you are either in for short term pain (until he makes up his mind) or long term pain (if the answer is no). i hope for your sake he realizes damn this is my opportunity.

shazza, wow..i mus tell ya..u're see-saw is way 2 big than mine..here's wat i think..if i were the guy i'd b vry particular bout not getting hurt, although u've told him tht u want 2 b with him..he needs time and proof in real time bout how sincere u are..at the back of his mind he knows for sure tht if he gets into this nd it doesnt work out..it'll mess him up like nything or if it works out then u're the one he's gonna marry nd settle down with..tht my dear frnd is a big big ask from a guy..in either case he has to be absolutely sure of what he's doing..so he;s gonna take his time and watch you..as in how sincere u look, do u follow words with action or not..if u really want this guy tht bit..i'd say give him a month, maybe two..if he doesnt respond..talk to him nd give him some more time..but not anything more than that..u cant b expected 2 wait all tht long..if he doenst respond..wave him a final goodbye and move on but du realize tht thr wuld b no more of u gettin back together!!..hope this helps!

Well here's an update....

It was SO weird, but last night I was @ a GF house and I thought I'd check my mobile 2 see if I had any love...anyways, there's a msg from him asking me what I was doin on Fri (I actually jumped for joy - how sad am I? And for the rest of the night & the next day I was all hopeful...)

Anyways, I wrote back but got no reply, then he was messaging me today and I asked him if he wanted to meet up Fri night, and he says he's busy!

So I'm all confused, & I've thought "I can't play these games anymore, stuff him" & wrote back telling him 2 forget it. (See, I'm thinking he only likes the chase, so I have to move on).

THEN he writes back saying "hang on - U told me U were busy on Fri?" and I realised he misunderstood my 1st msg...anyway, I corrected him & he said he'll call me after work 2nite, so we'll see...

I feel a bit silly now

It's just so awkward, we're both a bit scared I think (or at least I am!)

Oh well, fingers crossed!

magic words. tell him you want to "take it slow". still chasing but yet he knows that it might lead up to something. good luck.

good luck and i agree with here2understand2's point as well.

Well, it was a disaster.

We met, had a great night - talking, dinner, drinks, just like we used to, and I looked good and he looked good - then it's getting late and he starts asking me to come home with him and saying he'll drive me to uni the next day cos he doesn't start work until late, etc etc.

I'm thinking, "No - don't put yourself through that again, if you go home with him and then he disappears again you'll be messed up" so I said "No, I don't want to go home and shag you, I'll just get a taxi home." He then says he'll drive me back to my place, so I agreed thinking it might give us a chance to talk about my letter (because neither of us had brought it up yet).

Anyway, we get to my place and I'm about to go when he brings up the letter. Basically what he said was, last year when he wanted a relationship with me and I said I wasn't ready, only for him to learn I was seeing someone else, really messed him up. Because for him, despite how messy it may have been, he didn't care - he just wanted us to be together and he felt I'd thrown that back in his face. He said he didn't want me thinking that the last 5 years was just him wanting what he couldn't have or anything like that, because what he felt was genuine...but, now its gone.

I explained my reasons for behaving so badly in the past, and admitted I'd taken a long time to realise (or admit) how I felt about him, and said "I think I just have **** timing". He said he was sorry, but what he felt then he doesn't feel now. However, he asked me to make room for him in the future, to which I said no, explaining that I couldn't keep hoping that things would be different "In the future"...I needed to move on once and for all. He got upset at this, and reached over to hug me and I said "I think 90% of you doesn't want this, but 5% of you still can't let go" to which he agreed. So I pulled away and got out of the car.

I went inside and heard him leave after a few minutes of sitting there. I then rang my GF (It was 3am!) and bawled to her, then finally went to sleep.

So...I guess my instincts and fears were right. It was just such a shock, because his actions and words up until a few weeks ago said something very different. I mean, of course I've considered he only ever wanted to sleep with me, or he only wanted what he couldn't have, etc (that's what's always scared me!) but then my friends/family tell me that's ridiculous, because he wouldn't have tried time and time again despite my rejection, and he's admitted to them how he felt...and I just think we were way to close for it to be just that???

But now I finally I tell him how I feel, and he says he no longer loves me. weird!

Anyway, he messaged me the next day and said "I didn't sleep very well after last night, but what I said was the truth...about now, but more so about my feelings in the past. But I'm glad that we now know eachother. I'll see you round."

I didn't reply...what do you say to that?

So, I guess it was just never meant to be. I am confused as hell, but there's no where to really go from here is there? I mean, I just have to walk away.

My GF said she doesn't buy it, and thinks he's just too scared, and probably felt rejected (again) when I said I wasn't going home with him...but even if that's it, that's pretty low and shows he was only after one thing, doesn't it?

I dunno...either way its over.

AND...to top it all off, the next day I lost my job, AND my flatmate gives me my notice to move out.

They say bad luck comes in 3's don't they?

damn, this sure's a pretty darn time for u..i'd say..move on, forget him or getting back with him..i'd say u dont hav enough time in ur young life to date people..there's plenty of fish in the sea, nd dusnt look like u've trouble catchin them!..so close the issue and move on, don've to reply to his message..i mean wats the point, yeah mayb u culd b cold frnds who've a coffee together once in a while but i dont see nythin more than tht happenin..for sometime get a grip nd focus on gettin a job nd a stable career nd thn start fishin!LOL!..thts wat i think nd i hope it helps!

Yeah well I haven't really had the time to worry about it, I'm studying as well you see so I've got a pretty hectic life! As for finding a job, I'm not too worried cos I always manage to get jobs OK. And I'll probly just move in with my folks for a week or so while I find a new place (although my Mum drives me MENTAL sometimes, but she means well!)

Re. him, I'm not really that upset, I mean it's disappointing obviously but that's more because I'd always wondered if we would make it...and now it looks like we wont. But I know it would've been 10 times harder if we'd actually been together after all these years and it hadn't worked. At least this way we never started anything, so there's nothing to finish!

And I think we can still be friends one day, it'll just have to be in a couple of years when he can forget how much I hurt him and any feelings I had for him are gone. But if we don't, I'll still have the memories of when we were friends

I'm just glad I finally told him how I felt...I think in these situations you have to take the risk, because even if the answer is not what you wanted to hear at least it's over, and now I can finally know it wasn't meant to be. Whereas had I not said anything, we would've probably kept confusing eachother, and I would never know if I'd missed my chance...and so the record repeats.

Either way, life's too short! And I have too much to get organised in the next few weeks to really dwell on it! I bet a million bucks though, knowin him (and our history) I'll find a great new place, have a new job, be on top of the world, meet someone I like and he'll come knocking on my door. And that's not me being hopeful, it's happened so many times to us before! (My friends are placing bets already )

But I think next time I'll have to say "No."

Not to get revenge or anything like that, just because what nebbish said was true....why would I want to be with someone who is a day late and a dollar short?

To use the fish metaphor again, "There's planty more fish in the sea."

...I'm just going to be too busy to go fishing for a while!

the problem with your flatmate is probably more serious than the relaitonship.

you were both honest with ech other and you should be grateful that he respected you enough to put it out there instead of not... even if the answer you got was not the one you wanted.

you will feel some pain but if you are busy enough you won't notice and then one day you'll be whole again and ready to move on.

great shaaza!..good 2 c u move on..and thats what i've done too(incase you remember, do you?)..i've stopped hoping for anything and strangled all my 'getting back together' pangs!LOL!..bestaluck..dont think u need it, but hey vryone can sure use it sometime even if its extra!