Killing that ghost

[embber]

Hey guys, I posted about my experience with abuse from an ex boyfriend of mine, and I really need help trying to get the memories away.

Its been three years since the abuse ended and two years since he stopped stalking me.

 

I was in a great relationship with a guy, the first guy I've dated seriously since the abuse from my ex. He knows the abuse I went through to a certain extent. But he would get mad when I would freeze over something he would say or do. He would take me to places and I'd be on the verge of a panic attack because my abuser would have taken me there.

He would also get upset because sometimes during sex I would cry or freak out because I'd get a flashback and believe I was there all over again because of something he'd do or say. He would get upset because he felt as if we couldn't have a healthy sex life. I know I hurt him, but I couldn't control it. I explained to him that I couldn't help it, and he told me he understood, but I couldn't help but hurt because I knew I was hurting him. The memories came up a lot because it just passed the anniversary month of when me and my abuser started seeing each other. He would be there for me when I cried and when I would find something of my abusers. But the thing is, he couldn't handle it when something he did caused me to have a panic attack or get a flashback.

He would constantly remind me hes not the same guy as my abuser, but still certain things will make me freeze. Hes calm when we would argue but sometimes if he would raise his voice I would freeze.

My last boyfriend was an amazing guy, he never hurt me, never forced me into anything. He made me trust men again and be able to believe I can be with a non abusive man and that I deserve to be treated well.

But some things, just in general would make me get a flashback and everything. The other day I was cleaning out my closet and found the box I would hide liqueur and pipes in from my parents (used to drink heavily and smoke a lot of dope) and found a shirt my abuser gave me that was his. I sat there just staring at in for a long time, and then was a zombie the rest of the day.

Also for a while I stopped dating men in general and he was the first man I was in a relationship in since the abuse.

My mom told me not to bring my abuser into this relationship, but I think it's important for people I'm seriously dating to know that I went through that. But the thing is I think that ruined our relationship. I hate that my abuser made this much of an impact on my life but hes ruined two relationships, (I was scared of him hurting my ex girlfriend while he was stalking me) and now my relationship with this amazing guy. I don't know what to do anymore. I use breathing techniques, I used to smoke to calm down but recently quit (to try to control those situations when plash backs and panic attacks occur). And the memories still haunt me. I don't think I can be in a healthy relationship till this is forgotten. I'm not wanting to be hypnotized, but I just want to know ways at which I can let this go and be in a relationship with someone without panic attacks during sex, or going to certain places, or finding certain objects.

Any advice would be great, I'm sorry this was so long

-Mad

[Messiah]

It sounds like you're suffering from post traumatic stress, which is pretty damn life altering for a lot of people. Have you seen any sort of psychiatrist or counselor? If not, you probably should, maybe there are even some sort of prescription medications they can give you to help you deal with it. I think you are correct to bring up your past with current partners. It's important they know the reasons behind the way you are. It's really considerate of you to give them that fair warning even, and maybe give them an out before the relationship gets too heavy. You're smart for realizing how this effects your partners negatively, and it will make it hard for any relationship. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's really sad, and I don't know what to tell you other than seek out help and maybe take a break from men until you feel a little stronger.

 

This is probably going to be unpopular advice, but you could try lesbianism, maybe being intimate with a woman wouldn't be as flashback inducing. Sorry if that seems out there, but it's seriously possible to never completely get over abuse. I know a woman who was abused and sexually abused by a male relative growing up. She grew up to be reluctant to have anything much to do with men, and found herself a female partner who came from a similar background. They are living pretty healthily and happily and are both very supportive of each others screwed up backgrounds.

[embber]

I gone to counseling, but my councilor felt like I was ready to move on. I'm giving it a shot but I'm not sure how ready I am. I was diagnosed with PTS, and I'm just trying to figure out tools to control it the best I can.

After the abuse I did cut men from my life. I dated women and fell in love with one, who also came from an abusive past, like your friend's partner. But I ended it because of my abuser coming into my life again and threatening to show up at any time and I was worried for her safety. Now I'm trying to follow my mom's advise by finding a good person, not just focusing on sex like I did for two years.

Thank you for saying it is smart of me to bring it up to partners, my mom thinks they shouldn't know because it may cause future problems, but I believe it would cause more problems hiding it.

Thanks again for your advise.

-Mad