Batya33

I don't like how he spoke to you on the first meet -at least how you described it -I do like how he is bantering with you and --- cookies!!!!

I think I wrote unhoused about my first meet. I don't think RR did. And he did appear so -I was not judging -had I seen him on the street I would have not been surprised if he was unhoused. I was offended that he was so disheveled looking knowing where we were going - luckily it was a large mall like building (much fancier than a regular mall) with a bookstore that had a small cafe. He didn't smell of alcohol but he also seemed to be maybe on something.We sat for 30 minutes and then I said I had to go -I'm quite certain I paid for my own coffee or water as I wanted to make a quick exit.

If you can only try and not do it- that's a concerning path. I'd tell your therapist all of this and see what the therapist says.

I would call the town and perhaps consult with an attorney.

In my situation where the man showed up disheveled and sloppy -almost looking unhoused -one of the reasons I was particularly put off is he knew that the bar we were going to meet at for a drink was high end. I absolutely wasn't going to walk into the bar area with him dressed that way. I wasn't dressed fancy but absolutely fine for that sort of bar/restaurant. I probably came from work so -business casual. To me if you are an adult and you make plans to meet at X place you dress appropriately for X place. On the general topic - funny thing today related - I had my annual skin check. She checks my scalp. My hair was freshly washed. Which I did specifically because of the appointment. But I am long overdue for a cut/color and have an appointment in a few weeks. So jokingly I said to her "oh just ignore the gray roots". She didn't really get the lighthearted joke which is fine. (Her hair of course is perfect including color lol). But I realize -why would I feel at all self-conscious -with a dermatologist?? I'm totally clean and dressed appropriately in a paper gown open to the back LOL.

She is planning a bday party -in a few weeks -at her home - this is not a per person venue charge - for her son who is 2 years younger than mine. We met through her husband and our sons at a local museum several years ago. Then I met her because we got the boys together again a number of times. We became friends independently. Our sons haven't seen each other in 5 years because she and I faded for a few years -plus pandemic. We are back in touch for about a year now. She asked if I wanted to come to the bday party so I assumed she was including my son (and my husband). I said I wasn't sure if my son would come because he's uncomfortable at parties if he only knows the bday person (my son is 15). Very clear it had nothing to do with her son in particular. So she replied that actually she wasn't inviting my son - because her son wasn't sure he wanted to invite my son given how long it had been since they'd seen each other. But "I" was still invited to her kids party. (Also she lives about a 40 minute trip away since she moved in the past few years). She also didn't mention my husband being invited. (They've met briefly). I believe I'd told her husband likely was away on business that weekend but she made no mention of anyone else being invited except me. In my view you make it clear "oh that's too bad that he is away and can't come!" I think it is rude to ask me to come to her child's birthday party on a weekend without my son especially when my husband is away. I would never invite in the first place unless I was going to include the person's child who knows my child. (No I don't leave my son alone for many hours at a time). My husband and my close friend -our age-agreed that it was rude- my close friend lives out of state, doesn't know this family nor did I mention names, etc. I asked no one else but my sense is that there's a more loose way of inviting people maybe these days so you don't have to include the family in that situation and you don't have to include the child who used to hang out with your child if your child "isn't sure". Whole thing is odd but made me think of our generational difference. And the analogy to being more loose about planning dates, etc - Sorry if that was too long a response!

If you knew how things were between you two would never change, how long would you stay? Sounds like you've always been more into him than he has been into you. And that is still the case. He is not in your life in a serious way -not in the serious way you seem to want. Love is a strong word. Responding like that means he doesn't feel strongly about you. You're a placeholder. You want to be more than someone's placeholder. Did you start off casual because you settled for casual? Sounds like it. He was content to have a casual or sexual arrangement and then let you take the lead -never tried to make you his, never cared if you got snapped up by someone else. How old are you? Do you want marriage or a long term commitment? Maybe a child? Then stop wasting your time. He is not that guy. I'm sorry.

There's no stage - I'd not pressure myself about stages - it's individual. When your mind does that notice it -and just like you'd notice an annoying fly. And be ready with tools you come up with in advance. They might be distractions, they might be some sort of breathing method like Weil method 4-7-8 breathing. They might be looking at something outside in nature. Also what was "normal" and you are creating a new normal, right?

One thing I thought of the other day - I wonder if modern dating -specifically less priority on courting/manners/reliability -ironically even though technology makes it easier to get in touch/follow up/make or confirm a plan is part of a broader lack of or decrease in decorum in making plans generally. Social media means more photos of made up reasons to celebrate (and ask for gifts) but the traditional etiquette of let's say -limiting who can see the guest list or save the date posts to those who actually will be invited - and the basic manners of making a plan seems to have gone by the wayside. A friend of mine "invited" me through a text to a party -in a really weird and impolite way - and my husband and close friend -we are all 57 -were basically shocked and found it so weird and rude but she is around 15 years younger and very "hip" and into social media /letting it all hang out on social media-made me wonder - if I shared what she did with people her age or younger whether they'd think we were being too rigid/stuffy to find her way of inviting me rude. Maybe the "rules" and "etiquette" of dating is part of a larger shift in making social plans generally.

People who want to be with other people might feel confused temporarily but would not act on it as she is choosing to IMHO. And it would not need to be suppressed -it would be easily resolved as duh - of course I'm thrown off by his contacting me and I'm curious but obviously I'd never ever risk hurting this special man I've found.

You think what you think and you choose how to react -if you started thinking that because the lights flickered it meant a massive power outage was about to happen and all your food would spoil would you dwell on that catastrophizing thought? No -so it would go to the periphery. Your stepmom means well but you can't make yourself stop thinking -the thoughts just take their proper place off the radar when you react by not focusing on troubling thoughts. Keeping busy is one way.

Agree with Miss Canuck. My dad stayed alive till age 83 partly because of therapy. This person you are dating is going to increase your need for therapy. When I was in my early 30s -this is the first time this ever happened -on a 4th date the man I'd later be seriously involved with for years told me he saw a therapist. He wanted me to know early on. To me -it was -neutral and mostly positive. I didn't know him well yet but I was glad he was taking care of himself (this was in the late 90s). I remember him being tired after a session -in the sense you described -and- whatever - because in a relationship we all have days where it's draining physically or emotionally or both. I totally get that we don't want a partner who chooses an activity or behavior that detrimentally affects his well being -and of course there are bad apples out there in the mental health field -but in a relationship between adults with rare exception you trust that the person knows when a therapist or doctor is not the right fit. I'll add that in the 7 years I was with that guy I don't think I once asked him a thing about his sessions, and never ever asked if he spoke about us. I assumed he did - I guess -but it wasn't something that I dwelled on -because -why would I worry??

Same -and not to a first meet or an interview. I treated those as the same when I dated -that's just me. I love the point Linda made about respect. I agree.

When I saw "messy and disheveled" I assumed he might not have BO but that he appeared unclean. If she knew him well and that was -him - that's one thing but often -to me anyway -messy and disheveled suggest poor hygiene too.

I'm sorry you feel this way. Is it possible it's a way to avoid getting close to someone - sabotage it right away so you don't have to risk getting close. Many of us have been hurt before. How badly do you want a serious relationship? Because if you just want to casually date then you probably wouldn't feel like you were wasting someone's time.