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Ahh, English language, as in four months ago I became a mum. Now I have a babe. No loss personally. Very large amount of sadness thinking about how these other babies must have suffered, especially when I’m interacting with my own. Like it’s not That hard to at least give your babe some food and clean clothes and change their nappy. And then it’s honestly actually a total delight to interact with him. I’m sure their babies would have been the same, if they’d engaged with them instead of putting them in a room, closing the door and carrying on life as though there was not and never had been a baby, like if you’re not enjoying this babe, surrender them for adoption, leave them in a basket in a shopping mall or at a church doorstep, tell a friend or family member or neighbour. Something, anything that isn’t putting them in a room, closing the door and walking away for 10 days

There’s a website called find a grave and it’s like a virtual grave yard that spans the whole digitised world. You can leave virtual flowers and a message if you like. People are still leaving flowers for the neglect babies. I think, I’m not the only one who was affected.

Read a really, really awful child neglect news story 8 days ago. The details broke my heart and brought me to tears. Up for the next 3 hours past bed time trying to come to terms with what I’d learned, I went down the saddest rabbit hole. Now there’s ten babies names I wish I had no reason to know. Each one’s suffering and death heart breaking. Some abuse, some neglect, one tragedy. It’s the fatal neglect stories that really keep me up at night. The news reports give so much fine detail from the court cases (Which I’m not going to repeat here because no one else needs that in their head). I had a babe of my own 4 months ago. I don’t know, stories about babies suffering really hit differently now. Harder. I’m really having trouble unhooking. Like it feels as though I’d be dishonouring their memories to simply move on. But thinking about their suffering is debilitating and not helping anyone and making me less present for my own babe and wearing out my partner… far out I wish I could reach through time and save these kids though. They came into the world full of potential and desire to connect and their parents, I don’t know, I don’t know what’s broken there but I’m really sad a babe has to suffer and die for it.

Could you try treating painting like nanowrimo? Have a week where you have to be painting for x time every day.

Could be overloaded and burning out. Could also need to work on her emotional regulation but no matter how good or poor that skill is, it gets harder to do when you’re depleted in some way.

Could take the speakers back from her room. Could leave them there but sabotage them so they won’t work anymore. Also all for getting your ducks in a row to move out and lose her as a housemate, she kinda sucks.

Combo of blocking and restraining order against the people who show up uninvited at your door? But mostly I guess with this guy you’re going to have to practice grey rock. https://www.kidspot.com.au/lifestyle/sex-relationships/the-psychrecommended-hack-for-dealing-with-the-narcissist-in-your-life/news-story/04c822aa7f810f1fbd566de35b80ed60?utm_source=SEM&utm_medium=PPC_SEM&utm_campaign={campaign}&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiA4Y-sBhC6ARIsAGXF1g5w17sTkHCP9-b_dWR5YgYCVtoic0e8ojjHO9aBvFYDojZchMkyCCsaAiGbEALw_wcB

Can you just block this guy everywhere? Maybe direct him to a lawyer of your own and let them handle the crazy.

When my brain gets stuck on a regret like that, lately I’ve been looking up Eckhart Tolle videos with the search prompt ‘stuck on a thought’ or ‘trapped in negative thinking’ or similar to that. Your mileage may vary but I find him good for calling me back into the present and into my body. Written on the whiteboard where I see the midwife (not her writing it’s a shared office, someone else’s) Painful feeling + resistance = suffering Painful feeling + willing = growth

Your needs are so badly unmet in this relationship you’re starting to crush on people outside of it. Speaking from experience if nothing changes this crush will be the first in a long line of them.

You don’t have to formally bow out of Xmas, on the day of you don’t feel like going then text and say you’ve got gastro.

In this instance I’m thinking about tonight’s gig as a sound tech. The band were very finicky, wanted unusual things, singers spent the whole show out the front of the Pa which meant compromises, one of them was pretty deaf which meant he wanted his vocals really loud above the rest of the band. Much louder than I would usually mix them. If this had been my first gig like this I’d have called it harrowing but I’ve done them before, so I braced myself and tried my best to give them everything they asked for. At the end of the night the bazouki player was unhappy because when an extra musician got on stage I took and educated guess and added him to the foldback, too loud it turns out. And one of the singers had gone hoarse. I was hearing the same mix she was and I don’t really understand how she couldn’t hear herself but there must have been something off in the mix that made her feel like she had to strain. That’s bad actually, I don’t want singers coming out the other side of one of my mixes losing their voice because they couldn’t hear themselves above the band. Possibly both these situations could have been mitigated by more regular checking with the band. They played for a little over 4 hours straight with no break and I must admit I hit the wall about half way through. (But obviously going forward even if I’m tired I’d be served well making it a personal policy to check in with the band as the set progresses. Although I Did interact with the bazouki player a couple of times after adding that drum and he never mentioned it, only that I should turn the master down). The above preamble brings me to my point. Tonight was really hard work, and it wasn’t success. That’s frustrating and demoralising. Especially when I’ve been doing this going on 17 years now and surely by now I should have learnt enough to iron out the kinks that happened tonight. No real question I guess, just howling at the moon. Commiserations and pro tips welcomed.

Somehow seeing this written down helped me get my mind unstuck. There’s a lot of wisdom here, thank you all.

Double post

I’ve bought him a replacement and told him as much. But I’m still utterly irritated by this insult on top of all that has transpired. Asked vacuum owning friend to ask as a favour to me. It’s the principle of the matter. And I didn’t loan it, I had it in my house with the rest of my things. Grifter helped himself.