MGandV

It has been a very, very long time since I talked about this here. Almost 2 years ago to be exact. But there she is. Still there in the back of my mind. Only to resurface every once in awhile. I have only conveniently suppress the thoughts of her between each sighting. And yet I still often wonder as she turns her head towards me in an effort to share a few glances of interest and possibly make eye contact. She has mesmerized me from the very first day I "met" her. That was 2 years ago and yet, that was the the only time we had ever said a word to each other. Our paths crossed often that first year. And the fantasy grew. But I have always only wanted the chance to talk to her. Each time we crossed while alone, I felt a pull between us, only to be held back by the same fantasy that has sustained us. Dare I say she feels the same attraction? I say she does. Her behavior when near me has mirrored my own. After that first year it was easy to suppress the fantasy that still lingered. I knew she was still around but we hardly crossed paths. And now, it has become a little hard to suppress again. Her daughter is in the same class as my son. I saw her just recently on open house, and again tonight at another open house. This time we had at least 20 minutes of uncompromised "viewing" time as we watched a short musical program. I have always noticed that when my wife is with me she passes just short abrubt glances towards me, and sometimes my wife. And when my wife is not with me, the glances are longer with serious, but nervous, overtones in anticipation for the chance to make eye contact. That is what happened tonight as my wife was with me during the musical program for about 10 minutes, then had to leave for another. Yes, I am married. I have 3 kids. And I know she is with someone as well. And she has two kids of her own. I find her very attractive, but in a "girl-next-door" way. There is something about her that I just can't explain. How can I? I don't truly know her. But it has got me fantasizing over her for over 2 years now. What exactly is that fantasy? Just being able to have a nice fun conversation with her. That's all. Oh! And I guess there is a reason for even that too, right? That's another thread. Maybe.

Maybe I have this all wrong. Maybe I DO see people the way they truly are. And it isn't their politics I disagree with, it is their pure hatred and rhetoric I sense by what they say or what I read. The last two responses are prime examples. Hatred isn't based on political ideals. But so many people base their whole politics on it. That explains all the negativity and anger these people have. Most people resort to hating someone when there is no sign of goodness in a person. As long as a fairly decent person is hated, it doesn't matter what this person does, good or bad, because it will mean nothing. And that is where I find myself distraught with all of this. I just can't relate to such strong negativity. So does this mean those people hate everyone they disagree with? Do they hate their own parents when they disagree with them? Isn't that childish thinking? Would you hate me because I disagree with you? All this effort that goes into hating (and I really didn't want to get into this, but I had to explain what I meant) the president, could be used in a more positive manner. And why so much hatred pointed towards THIS man in the first place? I never hear " I hate bin Laden!" or "I hate the terrorists!" or even "I hate Tony Blair!" (He is on Bush's side.) Yes, I agree everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but hatred is not an opinion. Hate is an extreme emotional attitude. One that does more harm than good, don't you think? So if hate is all that is coming out of one's political spectrum, then now I understand why I have a hard time seeing people past their hate.

I guess this is where I write this. I have always had a black and white frame of thinking: right or wrong, good or bad, yes or no. But it never got in the way of how I thought about my surroundings or people around me. I have a strange way of seeing truths and non-truths in such a light that people don't quite understand where i am coming from or why I feel the way I do about things or situations. Anyway, now that this country have gotten so polarized over political issues, I have gotten caught up in it all. And I hate the fact that I have. Without getting into my own personal politics, I cannot see people as just who they are anymore. I see their politics, and relate to them as such. As it is, I live in an area where most of the people around me, (almost this whole town) have the complete opposite views politically than I do. I feel out of place. When I have gone to birthday parties my kids have been invited to, I hardly have anyone to talk to since I find the other parents discussing issues they all agree with, and where I don't agree with. I am not an outspoken person and don't know how to express my views out loud, so most of the time I am there trying to ignore them. Well, even if I was, being the only one who disagrees will just set me up for a knockdown. Not to mention, my wife works with most of these people. Alot of these people I will talk to on a one on one basis and I find them not so bad to talk to. Honestly, some of them have been very nice to me. I can get along with just about anyone, as long as they are nice to me, but there is always that thought in the back of my mind that they are in complete disagreement in how I feel about a lot of things and issues. And to hear the many political conversations with one another, all I seem to hear are very negative tones and almost somewhat hatred. I have a very hard time relating to such thoughts and tones. And because I hear such conversations, I can't help but see them that way. I wish I can get over prejudging people that way. Like I said, I used to never be this way. Heck, I used to not even have a political mind. Now, it is driving me nuts. I want to just see people as people. Does anyone else have this problem?

For those who had followed my story, I would like to say that things have been going pretty good for me (and my wife and family.) Yes, my wife is 8 weeks pregnant and we both are excited about it. For a while we thought we were going to be having twins and we were a little nervous about that, but a single baby has been confirmed. Whew! We didn't think we could handle possibly two more boys, much less two more kids in general all at once. The problem had been me the whole time. I am hoping it was just a crappy stage I was going through. I really don't know what "turned me around" but it was like something had just "snapped" and I didn't even feel so bad anymore. I think part of it was after talking to my old best friend one night. We were talking and we kind of got into a slight argument about things we had said before to each other. It started when I mentioned to her I never knew if I was talking to her or the beer she was always drinking when we talked. (After I brought up something she told me that she didn't even remember because she was probably drinking.) She was upset and, I guess, hurt and I was just a little mad. Then out of the blue she just "had to go." After that conversation, I just completely started thinking of her in a whole different way. I was disappointed in her and that fact that she never seemed to have grown up, how much she has become an alcoholic, and how much I was in some way "disgusted" in her. I mean, what was I thinking? My old feelings for her had just disappeared completely almost over night. And the horrible thing about it, I almost don't care how she feels about me anymore. I don't feel compelled to email her or chat with her like I did before. I feel sorry for her but there is nothing for me to do. She needs help, not me. Maybe that was the real thing that made me snap. I don't know. All I know is I feel better and I am doing fine.

Wow! I got bumped to the second page. (I guess not anymore!) Who are all these people reading or "scanning" my thread, anyway? There are bigger problems in here than mine. Read theirs. (Just kidding.) I haven't written much as you can tell. My life has actually been okay. I don't know how, but I haven't been dwelling on the negative lately. I just don't have much to say here. I am okay with the pregnancy now. But, boy do some of you people have me wrong. I am a damn good responsible man. I am in no way complaining about my responsibilities. I am just a little scared and nervous. You get used to the kids you do have already and knowing that they don't need you as much as a baby, and just when you think you finally have everything under control, another one comes along. I know, I know, I helped conceived it. We both wanted another one a couple of years ago, but then she had a miscarriage, and that was about the same time all of my current problems started surfacing. It's been a tough road for me since, but I am doing better now. I am. I have been keeping myself too busy to think about it. All I know is that life will completely change again for me and my wife and this time mostly for the boys. Having kids can be pretty tough, but the rewards are immeasurable. Watching them grow IS cool.

I probably should have wrote this somewhere else, but then I didn't want to separate my "problems" into different categories since they are all based on the same thing. This one is a little different and have nothing to do about infidelity but I would rather have the same people who have read about me (and know a little about me) respond to this. What is "this?" My wife is pregnant. When she told me I almost cried. Actually, I did cry. I just didn't think this is a good time to have another child. I don't know how she is going to handle the extra stress of caring for a new baby on top of all of the other stress her "career" has put her through. I don't know how I am going to handle it as well. I am having a hard time already taking care of the house, yards, and pets, and cleaning up after everyone since my wife is too busy to do any of that stuff. Things seemed to be working well between us when I was on first shift for a couple of days along with the whole week of shut-down. But now that I am back on second shift, things are "back to normal." With a new child, things will be in a "normal" state for a much longer period. For those who don't understand what I mean by "normal", I will explain. My normal life is one of little attention. From almost everyone. Both my job and my wife's career has put me in that situation. But it is a situation I have been dealing with my entire life. I get attention from my two boys when I am "around" but I want adult attention. Someone I can talk to or relate to at my age. I will not ask my wife to have an abortion, and she wouldn't think of it either, but I am scared.

I think my time here is done. I initially started this thread about a certain mother in town that I was SO attracted to and couldn't understand why. Well, I haven't seen that woman in a long time. And that is a good thing, I guess. Would I go crazy if I see her again, I don't know. Maybe. But I don't think it will really mean much to me anyway. I am not "cured", nor was I expected to be by coming here. But talking about my problems did help. Thanks for all the responses, and for those who read "my stories." I am sorry I cannot offer any opinions or comments to anyone here. I never want to lead anyone astray or in the wrong direction. I am not good at helping people with their problems. I wish I was, then maybe I would be able to help my own. My life-long "dream" has yet to be fulfilled. It is a dream that was started in the back of a grade school building, where I sat alone in tears at the age of 7. Not a sole noticed I was gone. But one little girl saw me and came out to give comfort. I didn't know who she was, nor had I ever seen her before. Then she went back into the building and was never seen again. What is that dream? No one has yet to know but me.

Thanks, guys! I am trying. I just wish my wife didn't have such a job that demands so much of her time. She is just too busy. Well the boys and I spent a lot of our time at the swimming pool this weekend. That is the kids favorite place to go. We live in central PA and temperatures in the 90s (98 today, can you believe that?) is just too hot to want to do anything else. I can't always work in the mornings. I work in a small lab operated by only two people. The mornings are taken care of by the manager and I cover the evenings as the assistant manager. Managers are always morning workers. Once in awhile I ask to switch, and for the most part it is okay. But I can't do that all of the time. So I am stuck working 2nd shift. And for me to get another job anywhere else would mean a HUGE pay cut. (If I can find anything close to what I do in the first place. We live in small town America) And the way we live now, we are just where we can be financially without really getting in a bind. It would be very hard to change what we are used to. But that doesn't mean I don't think about it. I would love to leave my job for something more "family oriented" as far as hours. I need to finish for now. Gotta go.

Just wanted to say I had a GREAT day yesterday. I switched with a morning worker so that I could be home in the evening. I got up early(feeling tired since I am not a morning person), went to work and when I came back I went with my wife to pick up the kids. All the other kids were talking about going to the local swimming pool, so obviously our kids wanted to go too. So we went there until they closed at 8:00. It was quite refreshing, being that we have had some pretty hot days for this time of the year here. Then we went home and relaxed until..... It turned 9:00 and the last game was on. What last game? The 7th deciding game of the NBA finals. Between the Detroit Pistons and my favorite team (albeit a pretty humble one at that and from a city that doesn't boast much fanfare) the San Antonio Spurs! It was a great, exciting game to watch. I just couldn't sit down. I actually got nervous and started biting my nails thinking that Detroit would win this one again. It was a close game. But San Antonio finally got their (great) act together during the second half and pounded their defense all over Detroit (a very good defense team as well) not letting them score much. Duncan was better than he had been during the whole series making almost all of his attempted baskets. It was awsome! That's three titles in 7 years. Such a good team, they are. And with great sportsmanship and team work. To me they ARE the meaning of selfless team work. I know my sister's family was celebrating. They live in San Antonio and are huge Spurs fans. (That is the only professional team SA has.) Well, I felt so good last night that, well....let me just say my wife and I had a nice evening after the game.

What I am saying about my friend is I love her and care for her a lot. Those are feelings that will never change, unless she does something horrific to me or my family. We were there for each other through almost anything you could have thrown at us. Good times and bad times. We went through it all. Almost like a married couple, but as friends. (Like I said before, we NEVER got physical with each other in any way. And I think that is why we were able to remain the kind of friends that we always were.) There were times we stopped talking to each other for reasons I won't mention but soon realized we just couldn't stay away from the strong friendship that we had. She was a big part of my past and someone who is in my life now, but in a different way. True friendship never dies. That is why we are OK knowing our lives didn't turn out differently between us. Am I in love with her? Probably not anymore. At one time I was, but I can't say that I am now. Steps I am taking? Well, to start, I am trying to be more attentive to her. I am trying to not dwell on my "problem" so much. Maybe it will go away. I am trying to stay more busy so I won't think too much. The more busy I am the better I feel. Keeps me less depressed. I am the one with the personal problems, so if I work on improving myself, I will be a better person AND a better husband. Trust me, the things that I do or don't do are just my reactions to how I feel inside. I am sorry but I am a horrible faker. I can't fake a convincing fake smile if I had to. I can be brutally honest and it shows. I am good at withholding things from people, especially if that information will hurt that person really bad. But I would rather be honest with them than to lie. If they want to know something, then I will tell them. If they don't ask, I won't tell. I know it may seem wrong, but I just don't like hurting anyone.

I have noticed I have been writing as if I am telling my life's story, including my present one. I was supposed to be asking for some help in advice or opinions, right? Well, I think I have been helped. Not to say I don't still need any help. I am just grateful to be able to write about all of this somewhere and have people "listen". And I know you have listened because the numbers tell me. Maybe some of you have a story such as mine and that was why you read all of this. Maybe some of you needed similar advice and was just afraid to ask for it. I did the same thing at first. I just read and thought "hmmm...I can relate." Then I finally decided to write what I was going through and see what happens. Attention. You see, I got attention. (Now what does that have to do with this???) But most of all, I got some feedback. That's what I wanted. And it helped. I really did and it does. Now that I said all that. Back to this story. One thing I didn't mention here when it came to the "talk" with my wife was that I did mentioned to her about my old best friend and what she told me. My wife has always suspected my friend didn't like her because she "took me away from her." That was never true. My friend never had anything against her. My friend had always respected me (for the most part) and my decisions. In spite of what feelings might have always been there, she was still my "best friend." My wife did ask me if I said the same things to her when she revealed her feelings to me. I told her I did. I told her at the time I was very confused and everything was so overwhelming to me. It was hard. Then my wife got very upset and started to cry. Obviously the reaction I was expecting. I told her that I am over all of that and that I just could never truly feel the same way abou her anymore. Then she asked me if there was anyone else I was in love with. I honestly told her "no." And I do mean that. Well just the other night I was online and found my friend was connected to IM. We started IMing each other. The one thing about my friend that makes me truly believe that no matter how much I care about her, or even love her, I don't think I would ever want to be with her. She really has changed over the years. Most of the changes have been bad. Some of them have been no changes at all that makes her just as less "appealing" to me. Where I have grown and matured, and have moved on with my life in a pretty damn good way, she never left her old life. In fact, she became worse in some aspects of her life. I can never be with someone like her anymore. My heart feels for her because I know she is very depressed and lonely and the one person that could make her happy would be me, but I don't think I could be happy with her the way she is now. We will always be friends. I will always love this person, but never the same as before.

First of all thanks for all of your responses. You probably think I am her all day, but I am not. Right now I am at work on my lunch (dinner) break. I work alone and I am in front of a cumputer most of the time. So no one even sees what I am writing. I am not always thinking about other women. There has only been one other woman I have though a lot about. She is the woman that inspired me to start posting my thread here. And the reason I thought a lot of her was because she was a a beautiful mystery I felt I wanted to solve. And guess what? Because I have not seen her around lately, I don't even think about her the way I did when I WAS seeing her around. The mystery isn't solved, I just can no longer find any more hints of evidence. And to let you all know, I don't go out "seeking" other women. I really don't. I will react to a person who gives me a smile, or to someone who starts talking to me. I am a nice person and I don't like to ignore people. I only enjoy people's company and attention when they allow me to be myself and and still acknowledge who I am as a person when I am being myself. Does that make sense? The "thrill of the chase!" I like how that sounds. Exciting! I don't chase women either. I only did that once in my life, when I was in the 8th grade. But she was just a girl (not a woman) at the time. And although I got the girl, I think it was only because she felt sorry for me. It didn't last very long of course. Hey, we were kids. But even back then feelings are still real. Well, she was like a romantic dream to me. So when she broke up with me it took me almost three years to fully recover. Honestly. It just taught me that if they were truly interested in me, then they would "chase" me. Funny how I was hardly ever pursued until I met my wife. But there was never a chase. We met on AOL. We talked through IM and email, then the phone. Then she went down to meet me and spent a whole week with me traveling around South Texas. She left. And a couple of months after that I moved away to be with her. Thus began my whole new life. During our "talk" we just had a couple of nights ago, she told me she fell in love with me right away. I find that hard to believe. You say I enjoy getting attention from different women. What man wouldn't? I enjoy attention period. I enjoy talking to people, men and women, but I have a hard time talking to men because I don't talk a lot about the things men would talk about. I love cars but only because I understand them and how they work (in a geeky kind of way). I was never good in sports and I don't really care about any specific football team or NASCAR, or hockey. About the only sport I truly enjoy watching is basketball, and that is only because I like the San Antonio Spurs. And I don't know too many men around me who care that much about it. I respect women a lot. So I don't like "locker room" talk in regards to women. I don't like to hear the term "my old lady", or the b word or any sexual references about them. I just can't talk like that. So I find it easier to talk to women. Or let me put it in another way, they find it easier to talk to me and relate to me more. And that is the recognition I like and the attention I enjoy-being able to be myself and have someone enjoy my company as well because of that. Once again, do I make sense? I have wanted to do couseling for a long time. I have mentioned it to my wife many times. But she hates counseling and don't feel it helps much. She went through it once as a child and didn't like it at all. She wouldn't cooperate and it was because she knew what the problem was, she just thought counseling was not needed. But thanks to this web site and to all of you people who have responded, I feel I have been getting counselled anyway. Because I have been able to write about all this and hear what other's had to say, this has allowed me to really dig deep into myself to figure out what I am going through and why. Believe me, this has allowed me to pin-point that my problem has always been about attention. I couldn't figure it out at first. But now I know that is what it is. Lisica, to answer your question- no, but she did. She was the only person I have ever had sex with too. I did have something close to a long term relationship. She was my best friend. I met her when I was in the 10th grade at a choir competition meet. It was held at my high school. I was a participant. I was just sitting alone and this girl from afar kept looking at me. I finally got the courage to go up to her. We started talking and she was very nice to me. I felt comfortable right away. Later that day when competitions were over, we exchanged phone numbers and I called her up right away. We talked for hours as if we knew each other already. We became instant friends. She had a boyfriend, but she started to like me too. I did too. Next thing you know I am visiting her at her apartment where she lived with her family. We would go outside by the pool and talked. A few times she tried to kiss me but I would turn my head because I didn't feel right knowing she had a boyfriend. Even though at the beginning we started to like each other, we became the very best of friends instead. I want to emphasize THE BEST OF FRIENDS. We became very very close friendship wise. Even though she still had that same boyfriend all through high school, we could not stay away from each other. We loved each other's company so much. We loved each other, and cared about each other. But nothing sexual or physical ever happened; nor did we "date." Our strong friendship lasted all through high school and even when I went away to college. (She and her boyfriend broke up the same night she graduated.) Until, one night....Knowing how much I truly loved her and how I was falling in love with her, something just clicked between us. And I asked her. I asked her to marry me. She was confused. She talked about our friendship and was so afraid of losing that. Then I just asked her again. She said "yes." BUT, on one condition. We were to finish college first to make sure we started off "stable." It sounded reasonable, or maybe I was just gullible. I didn't care. I was so happy. Happy that the one I saw as my soul mate was going to marry me. The one I fell in love with. I went to college a happy guy. I was in heaven. We would talk on the phone about it. Then slowly she stops talking about it. Slowly she doesn't seem that exstatic about it anymore. Then it finally hit me. The "wedding was off." I was never the same again. we were still friends, but not like we were. We still cared about each other a lot but it just wasn't the same. I met my wife. She meets my friend. And we go off on our own separate lives. Then I lost contact with her. But the story doesn't end. A year ago I found her through a membership website. I emailed her and she was so happy to hear from me. She told me what has happened since we last heard from each other. It was then that she finally expressed her feelings for me. She told me she finally realized the person she truly loved and fell in love with was someone who was always standing right in front of her. Me. She told me she missed me so much and regrets never giving me or our love a chance. When she told me this, I went a little crazy. It took me for a spin. We are still friends and we email each other every once in awhile. And as long as I don't think to much about it, I have been able to deal with the revelation. Okay, I said enough for now.

OK, things were wonderful at first, as anything new usually is. All we had were each other. We did eveything together, went everywhere together and we enjoyed it all. But there were already issues within myself that were taking their toll on me. Issue 1: I moved over 1000 miles away from my whole family and friends and anything that I knew or were familiar with to be with her. I thought it would be sooo easy. But it was actually very hard. I missed my family very, very much and I had a nephew and a neice I loved so much, but soon realized I was no longer going to be able to be there to play with them anymore. That was almost 11 years ago. Now they are 19 and 17 years old. Issue 2: Guilt, guilt, guilt! I was living with a woman out of wedlock. I mentioned I was a Christian. Well, I felt a huge spiritual battle going on in my heart. It was eating me up inside to feel I was letting God down, and going against everything I believed in. Issue 3: After having a life of feeling left out, or ignored, and being picked on and made fun of, getting no positive attention from most people (especialy girls), all of a sudden they are noticing me and starting to pay more attention to me. Can we say "infidelity" already? Case in point: I worked at a high rise apartment building that was being used by all of the local tech schools for student housing. And most of the students were girls. Oh! My wife was the librarian/information tech person for one of them. And a couple of them used to talk to me a lot. One of them invited me to her room. The only thing that happened was a kiss. That was all and that was the only time that happened. The other one used to just flirt with me. But then there was one particular person who started to really like me. Only she was the receptionist in the office. Both me and my girlfriend (at the time) worked at downtown Pittsburgh. I got out of work about an hour before she did and I would just hang out until it was time for me to pick her up and go home. I started going to the office and I would just talk to that girl. The boss never said anything against it. Besides it was the end of her work day and not much was going on at the time. So we would just talk about different things, things we had in common and things we liked to do. She had a boyfriend (And a daughter! What is it with me and mothers???) We both liked to do a lot of the same things that neither of our significant others liked to do. She was very sweet to me and she treated me like I was someone special. There were a lot of other men who worked there too, but she never paid much attention to them, and was actually very shy with them. When we had gatherings or hoilday parties, she was always by my side, either sitting next to me, or standing next to me. Needless to say, I started to like her too. One day I got to work a little early and so did she. I was sitting in the recreation center just waiting for my time to clock in and then she came in. I leaned against the pool table and we were talking, but she was standing very close to me. I felt a little embarrased because there were security cameras around the room and we both knew the security crew. I started talking about how I was going to be taking a trip to TX to see my family the following week. She seemed so excited and interested because she had never been there. Then she asked me to send her a post card, or even a souvenir, and she gave me her address. Then she gave me her phone number and told me to give her a call as soon as I get there to let her know I got there safely. I couldn't believe she gave me all that information. But I was kind of excited about it. Well, I ended up losing both her number and address quickly. And when I got back after two weeks she was not around. I did get her somehing. But that whole week she wasn't there. She was out sick. And while she was out, management was bought out by another company and the whole management crew was let go and replaced by new people. No more talking to her in the office. But when she finally came back, something had changed. She no longer wanted to talk to me anymore. In fact she did everything to avoid me like a plague. It was like she was so angry with me. If she started to see me walking towards her in the hall, she would turn right back around. It really hurt. It hurt even more because she never gave me an explanation and I couldn't even get near enough to her to ask her about it. Why did I tell that story? Because even then I felt something was missing, and it took someone like her to fill it. Not my girlfriend. So why did I stay with my girlfriend? I don't know. I felt I had already made a commitment and I did not want to hurt her so bad. When we got married, I got choked up seeing her so beautiful in her wedding dress walking my way to marry ME. I almost cried in the middle of the ceremony because I could not believe someone loved me that much to marry me. If you were to look at our marriage, or even at our whole relationship from the beginning to now, you would never think anything is wrong. We have been with each other from all the good things and all of the bad things. We seem to truly compliment each other. We have a nice home with everything we could possibly want. We have always done everything together and you never see us go to places alone. Well, until now that is. We have two beautiful kids who are doing so well in school/daycare. And they have a happy childhood. I should be happy too, right? RIGHT??? So why do I keep feeling this way? I can't shake this feeling. I just can't. It is there. It won't go away. Is it that much a part of me that if I let it go I will feel I have lost a part of me as well? Moses, Moses, Moses (that's me)! What have I done to myself?

We finally had that talk. We had a very long discussion last night and I finally told her about my problem with lack of attention and affection. Things were said and things were revealed, and there was a lot of understanding. I finally realized how much my wife truly knows me and how much she is madly in love with me. Then I confessed to her and said how much I love her (I truly do) but that I don't think I am in love with her. She said she might be stupid but that she was willing to do anything she can to get me to fall in love with her. I know, that sounds a little crazy. But I AM everything to her. She just doesn't want to lose me. Anyway, we "made up' and then "made out." And we didn't get but maybe 2 1/2 hours of sleep at the most. So this morning we got up feeling extremely tired and...well, sore! But at the same time, I felt a little sick to my stomach. Like I did something so wrong and was feeling guilty for it. In spite of everything we said last night, I didn't feel much different this morning. In fact, I almost felt worse. Like I am still holding something back from her. She couldn't quite understand the whole attention thing. She thought she was giving me a lot more of her time and attention since the last time we "talked." And for some baffling reason, I still feel an emptiness. I don't even know how to put it all into words about what I truly mean by "attention." All I know is I still hurt a lot inside because of it. And the only way I can understand it myself is this: we have neighbors who are also married and with a child the same age as ours. We have all been friends. But there were many occasions when Nicki (the neighbor) and I would get to talking to each other for long periods of time. Alone. We shared a lot of the same interests and thoughts. We would joke with each other and kid around with each other. We were always a little playful, which suggests flirting. We really enjoyed the conversations and flirting. And I of course LOVED that kind of attention. I am a very nice person and can be very sweet when talking to women. I don't do it in vain just to get attention, I am just normally that way around women. That is just the kind of person I truly am inside. So when that person acknowledges who I am and responds positively towards it, I get the attention I want. Nicki has always acknowledged me and that is why I enjoy her company. I have been know to do very sweet things for girls/women. I remember when I was a little younger there was a girl who worked at a center kiosk at the mall. I didn't really know her but I started striking up a conversation with her. Next thing you know it everytime I would go to the mall and see her working I would always talk to her. I would ask her how she was doing, about her her daughter (she had just had a little girl), or even about her boyfriend. And she always talked to me. One day, we were talking and she said she was so thirsty for a Coke but since she was working by herself she couldn't really leave the place to get anything to drink. We stopped talking and then I walked away. Then I came back a few minutes later and surprised her with a drink. She gave me a big smile and asked me if that was for her. I told her "Yes!" Then she thanked me but that I "really didn't have to do that." I just told her I wanted to. It all made me feel so good inside. So why do I not feel this way with my wife? Is it me? She apparently understands who I am. Why can't we have "fun" conversations? Why don't I feel her acknowledgement? The acknowledgment that would allow me to receive the attention I crave. Am I not allowing myself to open up to her enough? If so, why not? Does she not respond to me the way I keep hoping she would? Or am I that selfish to have such expectations that I need to wait for the right response or acknowledgment first in order "feel it"??? Such questions I cannot find the answers to. Who am I!?

Thank you, Lisica, for the compliment. As you can tell, I haven't posted anything here lately. I guess I have been keeping myself too busy to think about my "problems." I am home alone during the mornings until about 1:15 pm. That's when I leave for work. What about the kids? Well, they go to daycare (youngest) and "day camp" (oldest). So why aren't they home when I am home? Part of it is we have to pay for it whether they are there or not. If not, then they would just get bumped out to let another kid in to take their place. There is always a waiting list to get in. They have both been in the whole system since they were 6 months old and that is what they are used to. Their friends are there and they have benefitted from it in a very positive way. I have always felt guilty about it the whole time, since I feel they have lived most of their waking lives away from home and I have always wanted to spend even more time with them, but having them home just would have been too complicated with both my wife's and mine schedule. I did work mornings when they both started going and it wasn't until over a year ago that I ended up on second shift. So it did work out better for all of us having them there. Keeping busy...that is what I have been doing. Since it is summer time I have been busy planting flowers and doing yard work. Not to mention doing housework as well. Can you believe I do most of the house work? Yes, I do. I hardly go anywhere when I am home. I have a tendency to feel guilty when I am not home being busy. I sometimes feel I live an isolated life. I have no interaction with anyone. And when I go to work, I work alone. I am an assistant lab manager who manages no one. (At one time I did) I am the sole worker in the lab at night. I hate it. Well, my point actually is that I haven't had time to dwell on problems, or on "that woman." That and not seeing her much has helped a lot. My wife and I have been getting along quite well the past week and a half. She seems to be in better moods lately. And when she is in a good mood I am in a good mood. But that doesn't mean those feelings of loneliness are not still there. I have just been suppressing them. Lisica, you are completely right about my fantasizing. I have done that my whole life. It was always my way of coping with things or situations. It was what made me feel better. I have gotten through my whole life straight and sober. I have chosen to be that way. No matter what crap came my way I dealt with it or fantasized my way through it. I often feel I am a much stronger person than I might give myself credit for. Got to go now. My wife and I are going somewhere during her lunch break.