Parenting & Traditional Discipline: Setting Behavioral Limits

Excerpted from
Strength for Their Journey: 5 Essential Disciplines African-American Parents Must Teach Their Children and Teens
By Robert L. Johnson, M.D., Paulette Stanford, M.D.

Research shows that setting behavioral limits is key to determining the course of how children fare. Traditional discipline is even more essential for black children, who will have to hurdle the additional roadblocks set up by a society that discriminates against people of color in both obvious and subtle ways. In this chapter, we share guidelines to help you figure out how strict or lenient you need to be in various situations. We help you understand the pros and cons of different parenting styles, and suggest effective strategies for setting behavioral limits.

By the time they enter kindergarten, all children are expected to respect authority figures and the rules of behavior they set. Black children who break those rules can find themselves in serious trouble with teachers, police, and other authority figures. To avoid these problems, skillful parents set behavioral limits and make it clear that certain rules are nonnegotiable.

Reminder: The mere appearance of breaking rules can lead to trouble for black youth.

Fifteen-year-old Michael was standing in front of his racially mixed high school with a group of five male classmates, all of whom were white. Three of the boys were passing around a marijuana cigarette when the school principal happened by. The marijuana was discarded, but the principal recognized the herb's pungent smell. He let the other boys go but proceeded to escort Michael into his office. He then accused the young man of smoking marijuana on school grounds. Michael was a B-plus student who'd never been in any kind of trouble. Suddenly he found himself suspended from school and accused of doing drugs.

Michael's parents were upset that their son was hanging out with boys who were smoking pot, but they believed his version of the story. The parents saw this as a blatant case of racial profiling on the part of the principal. They understood, however, that proving such suspicions is never easy. Michael was not about to squeal on the boys who'd actually been smoking, nor did he expect them to come forward in his defense.

We suggested that Michael give a urine sample to prove he was drug-free. The results established the boy's innocence. Nevertheless, the principal continued to insist that he was guilty. When Michael returned to school after a weeklong suspension, he felt that there was a cloud over his head.

"My teachers used to think of me as a good student who stayed out of trouble," he told us. "Now, they look at me differently. It's like I'm some kind of druggie who's a bad influence on other kids."

In Chapter Five, we detail the various steps parents can take to deflect the systemic racism African Americans too often encounter in school systems. There's no question, however, that any teenager would be well advised to walk away from a situation where drugs were present. And, as Michael found out, the consequences of ignoring such behavioral guidelines can be especially severe if you're black.

Michael's parents elected not to punish their son. They felt he'd suffered enough for his obvious lack of judgment. After talking to the boy about the various aspects of what had happened, his parents were satisfied that he'd learned from his mistake. They also understood that the situation could have been worse. "At least the police weren't called," Michael's mother remarked. "Thank God for that."

Michael transferred to another high school the following term, and made a fresh start. Still, it's frightening to think what this one faulty choice might have cost him.

When children fail to exercise discipline at school or on the street, they invite trouble. That's why it's important to establish behavioral limits in the home, where you can exert your influence early in a child's life. At home, lapses of discipline are easier to contain. When a child does misbehave, you have an opportunity to correct the substandard behavior and talk about the importance of respecting limits at all times.

All parents want their children to behave and to follow the rules, both in and out of the home. However, the question of how to best accomplish this goal is a much-debated parenting issue. Whether it's better for a parent to be strict or lenient has been argued for decades, and it continues to be a source of heated discussion and controversy. Some related hot-button issues include the following:

Should I punish my child for every infraction?

Is it better to give children lots of freedom or to keep a tight rein on what they do?

Is it ever appropriate to use corporal punishment?

Does it help to use bribery to motivate a child?

What happens when parents disagree on how to discipline a child?

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to any of these questions-no surefire way to guarantee that a child won't falter every now and then. One parenting expert will say that it's always better to be lenient. A second authority will offer proof that strict discipline is always the way to go. One study will show that spanking impedes a child's emotional development. Another will claim that spanking often has a positive effect.

We have found very few absolutes in our years working with children and parents. Nevertheless, all parents and caregivers need some guideposts to help keep children on the right track.

Whether you use a relatively strict or lenient approach, you need to understand your particular parenting style-which is very much a function of your own past experience and temperament. It's not easy to change your (or your child's) temperament. However, we urge you to use this book to enrich your experience and to expand the way you think about yourself, your child, and the style of discipline that works best for all concerned.

What Are Parenting Styles?

The term parenting styles describes the overall way mothers and fathers go about disciplining children. Parenting styles fit into three broad categories.

Authoritarian: Parents who use this style demand strict obedience to the rules they set. Such parents are generally not responsive to a child's feelings and viewpoints. Authoritarian parents insist that things be done their way-essentially because they say so. This kind of parent tends to discourage discussion and negotiation, and takes a hard line on infractions.

Authoritative: Mothers and fathers who use this style are more democratic in their childrearing. They set the basic rules, but are willing to listen to the viewpoints of children, and revise the rules in particular situations. Authoritative parents are willing to explain their rules, and are interested in helping children understand the reasons behind those rules.

Permissive: Parents who use this style create a relatively loose environment, with few rules. Demands and punishments are often spotty and inconsistent. Outsiders who walk into the home of a family with overly permissive parents may be moved to ask: "Who's really in charge here?"

Keep in mind that these three approaches to discipline form a kind of sliding scale and there are lots of variations. For example, there are some authoritative parents who tend to be more lenient, while others favor a stricter approach. We also know parents who are quite strict in some areas and more lenient in others.

Even within the same family, it's not uncommon for parents to take varying approaches with different children. For example, a father might be lenient with his daughter and far stricter with his son. This can be driven by the parent's opinion about what a particular child needs, or some preconceived notion about the way boys and girls should be raised.

People don't always do what they say-and parents are no exception. We know moms and dads who spout the virtues of authoritative parenting, but run a very loose ship when it comes to disciplining their children. We also know extremely strict, unresponsive parents who talk a good game of flexibility-and who see themselves as authoritative, not authoritarian.