Why do I do these things?

Well everyone knows my story.... my ex came over Thursday and we talked all night. Just talked. He told me how he felt and I told him how I felt. We are not on the same page and I had a rude awakening....

HE DOESN'T KNOW ME AT ALL!!!

He thinks I have slept with someone already.

I want to break down and tell him everything about my past. Its not easy for me to share something so intimate with just anyone. He ignored me all day and night after leaving here Friday morning I thought we were making progress. I wanted to die. I did take a several pills and smoked some meth but fell straight to sleep.

I messaged him this morning and didn't come right out and say I slept with someone but told him I was done and then blocked all contact and changed all my phone numbers. To be totally honest, after being sexual, verbally and physically abused by every male figure in my life its hard for me to just have sex. I have to feel a connection. All the guys in town know me and know that I am not like that. He thinks I am. I have done a lot of things in my life but just to go off and do that so early is not me. I want to tell him about my past but don't want a pity party. I don't need anyone looking at me with those eyes y'all know the looks. I have always told him "THE DAY I TAKE IN STRANGE IS THE DAY YOU KNOW WE WILL NEVER BE TOGETHER AGAIN"

To me if you go and are able to be intimate with another man then the last one means nothing to you anymore. And I can't use the next man just to get over this man. I have always been this way but why? Why can't go have a one night stand like he does with no remorse?

Darl'n. Can you get access to a doctor who will refer you to a good therapist that will help you to come to terms with your past? You really need to do more then vent about your most current break up and what he thinks of you at this point or what he thinks you've done.

You have much deeper issues to discuss with someone on an ongoing basis. Someone that will also help you to stop smoking meth to try and alleviate your pain.

Do the self-loving thing and work on getting yourself free of your past demons (whatever they may be). Learn to love yourself, learn to forgive yourself and whoever it is that has abused you and then worry about becoming romantically linked to anyone. You'll have a hard time finding and keeping anyone of worth when you don't think you deserve being treated with value.

Be well.

^^

This. I couldn't have put it better.

I have started this journey already. I was on meth before and it isnt the route I wanted to take but my ex said it was just going to be that one time. Little did I know he was doing it at work. But I lied to him too. I had been handling meth for awhile but wasn't using cause its not my DOC my uncle helps me out a lot financially no questions asked but sometimes I have to work with this drug to make ends meet. I was shocked when my ex wanted to go back down that road and told him no several times but he usually does what he wants anyway so I joined him. My ex was here when I had a episode not sure if it was anxiety or not sure what happened. But he was the last person I wanted to see me like that. I am just gonna let him think I slept with someone since he has convinced himself I had. I am a very honest person even to my parents and I have raised my sons to be the same. But my ex just can't find it in himself to be truthful. He says one thing which makes me want to open up then says another which shuts me down not just from him but EVERYONE!!!! I wish he would just stay on one mind set. Oh and I am pretty damn good at acting like nothing is wrong sometimes.

Wow! Forgiving is my problem. Its hard for me to take that step. Even some you wouldn't know were my abusers cause I have to speak to them. We weren't that type of family to go speak to someone. My mom swept it under the rug after she was convinced it will never happen again and turned like she didn't see it when it did. I think I push him to be violent cause I so much rather feel the physical pain than the verbal abuse. Verbal abuse causes me to see different faces on him. I am not sure what makes this man so different. I had a wonderful older man but he lied to me once we argued he called me names and just like that it was over. Why can't I be like that now?

Please don't bring this man back into your children's lives. Go to social services and ask them to set you up with a psychologist (psychiatrist?) so that you can get some help to come to terms with what happened in your past and so that you can get your ex out of your life and that of your children for good. Show your love for your children by keeping them emotionally safe. You can't do that until you are emotionally healed and clean and sober.

Best to you.