Dumped and devastated after 13 years together

Hi.

I would like to know some opinions on what has happened to my life in the last three months.

We were in a relationship for 13 years, we were best friends, best lovers, our families loved us and were very close.

We always got along great, and never separated during all this time.

We lived together for the past 5 years, and we have a small dog (chihuahua) which is like a son to both of us.

I gave her a engagement ring one year ago, and we had plans to marry next year.

Early this year, i noticed that she was becoming more distant, and i couldnt do anything to change that, and i tried everything.

She said she wasn't feeling good, that she was unhappy, maybe she had a depression.

Three months ago, we had i little argument, and i asked what is going on, and she said she doesnt know what she feels about me anymore.

I was devastated, and she left our house the following day.

She left me the dog, but took everything else she had, making me think that she had this on her mind for some time.

In the week after the breakup i tried to make her come back, but never begged or humiliated myself.

She told me she felt like we were just friends, not boyfriends, and that she lost feelings for me.

She changed her addresses imediately, and even asked me to get her out of the mobile contract we had.

I later found out through mutual friends that she had an interest in a guy who works with her, that he used to flirt with her, and that she was very confused about her feelings.

I know for a fact now that things didnt work out with that guy, that she didnt even went for a coffee with him, because he got back to his ex-girlfriend right after we broke.

In the first two months after the breakup, we had limited contact via text, almost exclusively about our dog, which stayed with me.

In that time, she called to wish me a happy birthday and i did the same to her, and even all her family called me that day. Her family thinks she is doing the worst mistake of her life.

She even called my mother on Easter, wishing her a Happy Easter and for all our family.

About a month ago, she asked me if she could see the dog, and i agreed. She came, played a little with the dog, and then we talked for about 1 hour about what we have been doing, our families, vacations and other matters.

She was very friendly and even opened up a bit about things in her life that are bothering her. She said goodbye and gave me two kisses.

A week after that, i posted a photo on facebook of our dog, and she liked it. First time that happenned since we broke up.

A few hours later, she asked if she could see the dog again, and i took the dog to her house. She stayed with it for 30 minutes, and then called me to go get her. I got the feeling she wasnt interested in being with the dog, but with me.

I asked her to go get some coffee, but she said this wasnt the best ime, since she was in her parents house, where she lives now.

Later some mutual friends told me she wanted to get coffee with me, but not in our parents town (our parents live in the same small town, 500m from each other).

From mutual friends, i know she is sad, she wants to go out but all her friends are married/have kids and dont go with her, that she has trouble sleeping and has lost a lot of weight.

She told them that she wants me to move on, but also said that when she sees me with another girl she will know that she did the worst mistake of her life.

She says im her closest and more important friend, but that she doesnt feel in love with me, at the moment.

I talked to her yesteday to wish her niece a happy birthday, and she was very happy to talk to me, sent me kisses and was generally very pleasent, like she has been acting lately.

Yesterday she removed from her facebook timeline the life event notifications saying we are in a relationship (i only joined facebook on 2013).

We haven't talked anything about the relationship during these three months, and contact is initiated by both of us, almost always regarding the dog.

In these four months we have been together 4 times, and have talked/texted about once every two weeks, always very friendly to each other.

In the first two months, i was initiating contact. Then i stopped, and now it's 90% her.

She always answered to my contact, and called me on my birthday and everything (as did her whole family).

But everytime she contacts me is about seeing our dog, which stayed with me.

I think that she uses that as an excuse, because everytime she is with the dog she seems like she could care less.

And if she really missed the dog, she could be with her every week, as i have stated to her.

Now, my question his:

Is she stringing me along, and at the same time going out and trying to see if she meets someone?

Should i ignore her the next time she comes with the "see the dog" talk and go NC?

I don't want to lose her, she is my special person and the woman i want to spend my life together, and i know deep inside that she feels the same.

I think she is very confused, and doesnt know what she wants from her life.

We're both about 30 years old now, and the next year would be the year we would take the next step - marriage, kids, buy a new house.

Sorry about the long text, but i simply dont know what to do.

Any thoughts on this?

Thanks in advance

I am sorry to hear about your experience. Yours remind me of my own - quite a few years ago when my husband suddenly ended our marriage although I thought things were going great.

I noticed that you wrote that you had a great relationship for quite a number of years and I am understanding that you're mentioning this because this situation kind of side-swiped you. Just to let you know - it usually does because we don't pay attention to the little signs that show us when our partners and lovers are no longer interested. And yes, they usually make these types of decisions long before you even suspect it.

As for your particular case, I see that she is just in the mood to be friends with you - at the moment, nothing else. I know this hurts but that's how people are - most people don't want to break up with vendettas and hurtful feelings, and if she thinks she's hurting you, she'll go out of her way to make it seem like she's not - so your feelings wont' get hurt. It's sort of like a guilt thing.

As for the dog - although she may really miss him, she is not using this as an excuse to get closer to you. If this were the case, she would just be with you - dog or not! Don't fall into that trap of analyzing every little thing post breakup - it will drive you insane.

Personally, I would avoid her. Do the silent treatment. Once she sees that you are not speaking to her, she will miss you, and may or may not come back. But if you continue to be her friend - even on facebook, she may even develop the guts to tell you about her new boyfriend. Do you really want to be downgraded to "the ex boyfriend turned buddy?" It's up to you.

It's over and done. Sounds like my relationship which was also 13 years long.

Just cut ties with her and her family. No good can come from keeping contact.

Time to start a new life. You're just holding yourself back now.

She is not confused about her feelings. She knows exactly that she only sees you as a good friend...and she doesn't want to loose your friendship. This is why she is staying in contact with you. It is almost like she checks back with you every few weeks to see if you are emotionally ready to just be friends. But you are not. She sees that and then she takes you off Facebook. If you don't cut ties with her she will.

Here is what happened...after all this time with you she developed a crush on someone else. She didn't know how to handle having a crush, but couldn't help herself, but try to pursue the guy, going by what she feels inside. Which was distancing herself from you, and trying to figure out where her feelings will take her. The more she got his attention and the more she was involved with him, the less she cared about you.

I think the best thing to do for you is to retreat and let her be and stop using the dog to torture yourself. Tell her to get her own dog, or keep the dog with her. Either way you should not contact her and avoid her if she tries to contact you. And have no illusions...if you go no contact, she will realize at a point that she will miss you and she might realize what she had, but...stay strong and figure out what you want for yourself. Don't depend on her instability. She is the one who is confused. Don't give in to her, because if you do, she has her cake and she will eat it too by having you around and by being able to live her feelings for the other guy/ or other guys.

I know 13 years is a looong time and it is hard when this happens, but you have to distance yourself in order to see clearer...

This sounds exactly like what happened given your description.

My problem is that adversity is supposed to be the thing that couples survive to get to a deeper relationship. From where I sit she failed. She failed to be willing to do the hard work to establish a deeper relationship and instead took the easy way out to chase the high of a new relationship. In my opinion that means she failed you and at the same time deprived herself of something that should be more valuable to her.

Many will disagree and just say "people fall out of love" blah blah blah, but she had choices. She decided to make the selfish one. That's all on her, and when you're less emotional seeing that flaw in her character will help some.

This sounds exactly like what happened given your description.

 

My problem is that adversity is supposed to be the thing that couples survive to get to a deeper relationship. From where I sit she failed. She failed to be willing to do the hard work to establish a deeper relationship and instead took the easy way out to chase the high of a new relationship. In my opinion that means she failed you and at the same time deprived herself of something that should be more valuable to her.

 

Many will disagree and just say "people fall out of love" blah blah blah, but she had choices. She decided to make the selfish one. That's all on her, and when you're less emotional seeing that flaw in her character will help some.

I could have not put this any better than you did TMifune!

It seems to me like she grew bored of the relationship, and instead of talking to you about that and trying to work things out, she chose to just leave and chase after other things. Probably the only real reason she is talking to you still at all is because things didn't go anywhere with the other guy and she's lonely. And possibly might want to keep you on the back burner in some way just in case. Even if you guys get back together, you'll always know that this was her first choice. You should probably stop contacting her and her family, and just go NC. She really doesn't need to see the dog either. It isn't actually child, and it will just be used as an excuse to stop you from moving on.

Thanks for the input, i believe some of the points everybody pointed out to be very accurate.

Haven't heard from her in two weeks, neither did i try to contact her.

She is really erasing 13 years of her life together with me, and moving on like it never happened. I also believe she is seeing someone, which could justify the facebook cleansing.

Well, i thinks this means i really should move along and get on with my life.

Won't contact her again, won't answer any contact from her, and will try to rebuild myself and my life.

I'm done with this, can't take it anymore. She is showing me day by day that i spent half of my life giving everything i had to a person that no longer exists.

She is not the person anymore i fell in love with, that i wanted to spend my life together.

Hey Jonesey, I just wanted to say that I understand your pain. I was with my ex for just under 12 years and he left me suddenly too. It is very confusing and I too struggle with not knowing who they really were, how they could move on like you didn't share most of your life together. It is awful and heartbreaking and very hard to get over. It has been 13 months since our breakup and it has gotten much easier. I am still in a lot of pain, it hurts that he is with the girl he left me for still but the sun will shine again. I would keep no contact if I were you, it does make it easier. Also you need to make new memories with your friends, do new things, get some hobbies etc. In time the new memories slowly start to replace the old ones and you feel like you have your own life again. If you ever want to talk, just send me a message.

Received another text from her last night. Everytime we hit two weeks of no contact, she sends some text.

Why is she doing this? Asking how the dog is, sorry to disturb you...

I didn't respond, and for the first time since she broke up with me, i'm going to not respond.

I see your getting some great advice here, and some am i as I have recently been dumped after a ten year relationship with my ex girlfriend. She came home from work one day and said "if I didn't leave that she would take our daughter and go stay with her mother" so I left so that my child wouldn't have too. She was stringing me along hard as well (and still is after 13 weeks) She left me for some dude she works with and now he lives in my house and sleeps in my bed (I lost everything, live with my father) I can't do NC because we exchange our child three times a week. It sucks, and she immediately moved on and replaced me. Thank god I have my job to keep my mind occupied... I wish you all the best jonesy, I too agree that NC is the way too go when your being strung along like this. Keep it up. I wish I could go NC but with a child involved it's nearly impossible. Best of luck to you.

Reading these stories I just despair of human nature.

It's a disgrace that someone can be so cruel and callous to another human being .

Well, after the text she sent me on Thursday evening, i didn't answer back.

Then on Saturday morning she sends another text, telling me please to say something, because she had a bad feeling during the week (?!?).

I didn't answer, and she called me 3 hours later. I didn't answer. 1 hour later she calls again, and i didn't answer again.

She then sends another text begging me just to say if everything is ok. Then i sent a text say "The dog is ok".

She answered right back - "And you?", and i just answered "I'm fine", and she repplied "Ok.........".

I really don't know what is wrong with her. If i answered one of the phone calls, what would she say to me?

A friend of hers said to me that she is still crying about everyday when she goes home..