Journey to Happiness

Hello everyone...Ive decided after countless attempts to reconcile with my ex I told myself I've had enough. Im done with the constant pain I feel everyday. I feel nothing as of now because I just spoke to her not too long ago but thats normal, I got the "high" I wanted. But I know once it wears off I'll be back to feeling like square one again. Im familiar with this feeling just because like I said, ive broken NC countless times. Im done giving her the power over me, the power to constantly make me sad. Im taking over my life.

Im keeping this diary as a constant reminder of how far Ive gone. The man I've become. Im done looking at reconciliation stories because it gives me false hope. "LC keeps the connection there..." Well lets be real, if she was connected to me, wouldnt she feel a void if I don't contact her? Well she doesn't because I've initiated contact everytime. She doesnt want anything to do with me, sure she'll respond to my calls and texts and would even talk to me for hours. But thats her nature, she's naturally a nice person. She was so nice that she was giving me tips on how to get over her...

That sounded so ridiculous coming from her...how are you going to tell your ex, someone who is still madly inlove with you, to get over her. She was literally telling me stories of how she got over her exes. Advises me to go to therapy and stuff like that. It hurt more knowing thats how far she's moved on to only care about how I should get over her. I asked her if I still cross her mind and she said only when I text and call. So that goes to say that I don't cross her mind at all...

Here are the steps ive taken to help me through this journey of pain.

-Deleted my facebook, tend to keep it that way for a year. I put all our photos on an album thats only seen by me. But its not enough, I know i'll catch myself looking at it. I need to go another step

-Blocked her off instagram

-Blocked her off snapchat

-Stored all our memories together (notes, cards, gifts, etc...)

-Deleted her number and messages on my phone

-Long list short...Cut off all ties.

I know i'm in for a hell of a ride through this rollercoaster of emotions. But I need this. I need to learn how to deal with this. She is my first love, my longest relationship, and the best looking girl i've dated. She's a Dime forsure. Tall, double D's, Sexy body. How am I going to learn to be a man if I don't face this. Yes I'm scared, Im definitely scared to be alone. But I need to be alone to know I'm ready to be with somebody else.

It's hittin me already the high is wearing off... It takes 10 minutes of "high" feeling then it wears off. So yea, its not worth it. 10 minutes of feeling content only to feel 10 times worse after??? Give me a break... Im just going to embrace this pain, Its the best teacher. I love myself too much to keep torturing myelf. Here we go!!!

Well that's good to he's and do not break NC.. I broke NC and now looking bad at it I shouldn't have makes you feel like crap all over again.do what ever you can to keep busy and dont focus on the relationship you had just distract your mind and the feels will fade...sure you think of them but it gets better like everyone said

Heres an update on how I feel atm. Last time I spoke with my ex which was just over a few hours ago. She was coming home from her dads house which was an hour and half away. But she said she stopped by at a friends house as well. I asked her but she said "you don't need to know that". I know she's not mine anymore and whatever she does it's on her own free will. She said she isnt talking to any other guys or dating at all atm but it kills me to not know who she stopped by at before heading home.

Its bugging me so much that I really want to phone her just to ask one last time who she saw. I mean I know most of her friends. So why not tell me straight up, I hate that even at the end we still cant be honest with each other. Maybe she's protecting me from more hurt, or maybe it really just isn't my business to know. I wish I can have more respect and trust for her to think she's not that type of girl. But thats part of the reason we broke up, I never trusted her through most of the relationship. I'd like to think I don't care but it truly does kill me with the thought that she stopped by a dudes house to get a quick fck session, cuz honestly, her and I would do that when we were together. She's not a very sexual person, as in she can go long periods of time without sex, but who's to say a guy can't seduce her...

I hate this thought. I really do, I know she's not mine anymore. I guess I should just tell myself "what I dont know wont kill me so its better to just leave it that way".

I feel in constant battle with my own thoughts. Is she really that type of person? Does she have more self respect for some quick, meaningless f*ck sessions? I don't know. I don't even know where these thoughts come from. If its insecurity, low self esteem, low self confidence, loneliness, or no self worth. Id like to know because I can't keep living like this. I need to let it go

Moving on...

Day 1

Woke up sad. She's in my head again. So much negative thoughts, I think I'm suffering a mild depression. I fell asleep watching Secrets the law of attraction. It basically says to only think positive thoughts and you will attract it. Ive also been reading some self help threads all around the internet. Talking to the ex really does make you feel 10x worse. Im going to stay away from any second chance forums because I don't wanna be filled with false hope anymore.

Her coming home from a friends house still haunts me. I just want it to be over with. I'm here spending thanksgiving break at a friends house and Its killed my mood throughout this whole break. They're all happy and I can't seem to find my own happiness. I know it comes from within so I really gotta focus on myself.

Im headed to a strip club to get my mind off things. Im putting my ex on a pedestal when I think about her. I should be focused on me, and my happiness.

God help me find the strength to carry on.

Moving on...

I just discovered something within myself. I concentrated on my thoughts and wondered why I'm so sad, why are all these thoughts racing in my head...Then I kept asking myself just why. Then I realized, "this girl is not making me sad." Im making myself sad. She has no control over my happiness. Ive depended so much on her for my happiness, I expected her to be there when I'm sad.

For once, I looked around. Looked at my friends, wondering what their thinking of, why they seem so content. It's because they're living in the present moment. Im not living in the present, im living in the past, things I coudn't change. Then I discovered that what matters at this point depends on how I choose to live my life. Do I keep living in the past and be sad? Or do I make myself a better person so I can expect bigger and better things...

I found peace for a brief moment, and focusing on that. Trying to relive that moment of peace within myself, she still crosses my mind every now and then but I wont give her that power over me. She's a girl who's impacted my life, but she is not the reason I'm at this point in my life today, I'm successful because of what I did for myself before I met her.

Im going to win myself back. Im going to prove to myself I'm fine with or without her. In a moment of weakness, I'm going to embrace it and know that its normal. What exactly is our purpose in life? To live and survive. No one can do that for me but myself, I don't need a girl to survive.

Moving on...

Man these emotions are crazy. It truly does fck with your head. So now I'm here thinking "Was I that bad? Am i not good enough?" My confidence is truly shattered, my self worth has gone down. It makes me feel so weak about myself. Or was it the relationship that didn't work? I feel like I need validation from women that I am a likeable guy. Shoot I even went as far as going to a strip club just to seek validation, but even girls there wont just come up to me. I see guys there with girls next to them. I go out with friends obviously. I also feel empty inside. Like I have nothing to live for. I know I said earlier I need to find happiness with myself but I seem to lose it everytime. I hate this feeling