Balancing Relationships and Self

I'm having a problem balancing who I am, and who I am when I am in a relationship.

I know that when I'm not in a relationship, I tend to be very carefree, positive, relaxed, talkative, and quite a joker. I feel like this is closer to "myself", and I enjoy acting this way. I continue to act this way when I first start dating someone as well. I also think the person who I am is usually attractive to women, because I do not have many issues finding a girlfriend.

When I get into a relationship, after some time, I feel like I become too serious that I can't even handle myself. I start to take everything seriously, analyze everything, become more tense, and stop making jokes as much. I even start to feel more negative. This has happened in every relationship I've had so far. And, it has nothing to do with what my girlfriend is doing. I know this kind of behavior is not who I am, but I don't know why I become this way whenever I've been in a relationship long enough. I feel like I'm being suffocated by myself when I'm in a relationship too long, and that I need to break free so I can get a breath of fresh air and find ME again.

I don't know how to bring "myself" back into the relationship, or the person I know I am. Being in a relationship does not just affect the way I interact with my girlfriend, but with EVERYONE. I just feel WAY too serious all the time, and it's suffocating because I don't want to be so serious! I know that if I just break up with my girlfriend, after a some time, I'll get it back, but if I get into a relationship again, I'll just become too serious again. So I know I'm not just going to resort to breaking up everytime. How do I maintain who I am and still be able to stay in a relationship??

Maybe it's who you choose to be with in a relationship that is the issue.

Ya, i agree with batya. Also, how introverted are you? Do you need a lot of me-time? Maybe when you are in certain relationships you just are not getting enough time to yourself?

Maybe the seriousness is another facet of yourself, but one you're not very intimate with, and don't like very much. If that's the case, it's ok. It only means you need to learn more about that aspect of yourself, so you can imprint that part with other things you do like about yourself. You chose the word "balance" and to me, that's spot on. There are times to be serious and times to be light-hearted.

Can you pinpoint exactly when things begin to turn intense for you? What are you thinking and feeling when it first begins to happen?

Happens to me as well. Curious as to what others think is the issue!!

Ya, i agree with batya. Also, how introverted are you? Do you need a lot of me-time? Maybe when you are in certain relationships you just are not getting enough time to yourself?

Maybe it's who you choose to be with in a relationship that is the issue.

I wish that were the case, but it seems like anyone I get emotionally attached to. I have only slept with someone once out of a relationship, and it was a friend with benefits thing. But after a few months I started getting attached and I noticed the "seriousness" coming into my life, so I stopped contacting that girl. Since then, I'm don't do anything intimate outside of a relationship because it slowly makes me more attached, and when I'm attached to someone, I don't like who I am.

Maybe the seriousness is another facet of yourself, but one you're not very intimate with, and don't like very much. If that's the case, it's ok. It only means you need to learn more about that aspect of yourself, so you can imprint that part with other things you do like about yourself. You chose the word "balance" and to me, that's spot on. There are times to be serious and times to be light-hearted.

 

Can you pinpoint exactly when things begin to turn intense for you? What are you thinking and feeling when it first begins to happen?

Usually when I start becoming more emotionally attached to a woman. This only happens when I've been in a relationship with one for a while, or, like I gave in the example above, if we've been sleeping together for a while.

My thinking changes from positive and carefree to negative and serious. Things that didn't matter to me before, start to matter. It's like I'm looking at the world through a different pair of eyes. The easiest way to describe the transition would be to use the explanation some of my exes used for me. Before the relationship, I came off as a player, a bad boy, and charming. Once the relationship has been around for a while, I come off as serious and over analyzing, like I am someone's dad. Sometimes I can bring back the way I used to act, but it feels a little forced, and this serious side of me looks down on myself when I do and tells me I should be more serious.

Sounds as though you're intensely afraid of losing the girl, but you're so convinced that it will happen anyway, you make the break to get it over with.

What kinds of things are you serious about? Things in the relationship, or more like global warming and mad cow disease?

How much time do you spend with your SO? Do you still spend a lot of time with your friends?

Sounds as though you're intensely afraid of losing the girl, but you're so convinced that it will happen anyway, you make the break to get it over with.

That's possible, but I also believe I can find relationships pretty easily... I wouldn't be able to see how I can have conflicting thoughts in my head: being afraid to lose a girl but at the same time knowing I can find or build another relationship easily.

What kinds of things are you serious about? Things in the relationship, or more like global warming and mad cow disease?

 

How much time do you spend with your SO? Do you still spend a lot of time with your friends?

Things about the relationship, but also outside of it. For example, I work out at the gym and I train a friend. Before my relationship, I would make jokes during our workout, but now the way I interact with him is very direct and dry. I say what needs to be said and not much else. I also tend to start to take my career/education more seriously and work harder, but am more likely to feel negative if I did not achieve my desired results. Before a relationship, I do what I can, but if I don't do well in my studies, I don't get hung up over it and I just say "oh well".

I also become more assertive/aggressive when I'm in a relationship? For example, when I first start dating and the girl I'm dating says they are too busy to hang out on a specific day, then I don't really care. But if I've been in a relationship for a while, I don't "ask" to hang out anymore. I basically tell my girlfriend, on this day, we're going to do something. I do understand that sometimes people are busy, but if I see that my girlfriend is hanging out a lot with other people, then I'm more likely to tell her something like this. And, I only do this maybe once or twice a month, and I always inform her about a week ahead of what we're going to do and when. And, I don't take no for an answer if she doesn't have a set activity or plan for that day. So if she says "no, I can't because I'm studying", (and there are no tests that are coming up which would require her to study) I will probably say, "I didn't ask, I'm telling you. And I'm informing you a week in advance so you can get that studying done." And I'm more likely to be assertive about this if she had hung out with her friends recently, because there's no reason she can't make time for me.

Generally, I would say I become more serious in all matters, and thus am more likely to feel negative about things.

I actually spend most of my time alone. I would say the time I spent with my SO and friends is about equal, but still isn't very much. I really only tell my girlfriend we'll hang out once or twice a month, and most of the other times she comes to see me. However, I tend to spend more time with people when I'm not in a relationship.

I'm sorry I've been so long in replying. I was temporarily waylaid by my work problems.

It sounds to me like you aren't great at overall life balance. I hope that didn't sound mean. It's interesting that you go about life and your relationship as if it's a business deal, or a calendar appointment...something you must do. It also sounds like you want complete control - you "tell" her when you're going out, and you don't take no for an answer.

I believe you need to practice balance on your own first, and then try it in a relationship. Go out more, see friends more, and practice maintaining your sense of humor. If you find yourself becoming intense, back away, regroup, and discover what triggered you. Once you know your own triggers, you'll be able to balance things better.

Sounds easy when I say it, yes? I understand it's hard and confusing.

You can't control others for very long. You can control and direct yourself. You can grow into the person you want to be.

I'd highly recommend Emotional Intelligence. You can read it or get the audio version. It's very long, very intense, and extremely fascinating. I think it would help you to understand yourself better.

One more observation...you talked about losing your sense of humor, your playfulness when you're in certain situations. You know, it's ok to be an intense person if that's who you are. I realize our culture doesn't prize deep thinkers, or people who take things seriously. Bonk our culture. Who gets to define what's good or bad for you? You do. If that is who you are and it's driving you crazy, find one or two things to be intense about. Maybe a sport or community service or political action. You'll need outlets for intensity - make those outlets positive so they work for you, not against you.