My world caved in on me today, sure would love to know what you'd do...

Yesterday I was shocked, struck down, in utter disbelief of what I was seeing and reading. My girlfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and it’s been a big experience for me. For her? Not really sure now. We met through online dating and I was quick to say “let’s meet”. When I first saw her, I knew there was something. She was (and still is) a beautiful short, very petite southeast asian girl with a very cute hairstyle, very classy dress, and a difficult but very attractive accent that I’ve grown extremely fond of. She has the most beautiful big brown eyes. I knew that I would put everything I had into building something special with her. And I did, our first year had its ups and very few downs but it was the happiest I’d ever been in my entire life… that said, I had never really had a serious girlfriend AND never had sex prior either. She was sweet, loving, happy and smiling when we met, it was just amazing, I was on top of the world.

I am trusting, patient, apathetic, and accepting TO A FAULT. I am a lover, not a fighter, avoid conflict like the plague and tend to bottle things up and always “look at the bright side” of everything. This is who I am, it’s how I’m wired, this is what I’m working with.

And then the demons started to come out. Slowly we got to know the real one another… The first big conflict she stormed out at my friend’s wedding because I was in the wedding party and she wasn’t able to sit with me. I wanted her back because I just wanted to go back to the elation we had. She became a little bit demanding, had a horrible temper at times, and when she got really busy at work, she pretty much ignored me. I started to feel dejected, but if we ever got into a discussion about feelings or any conflict, she would always let her temper flare and she’s always right, I’m always wrong. Every time I compliment her, she sarcastically says “I know, I’m beautiful” or similar, so I quit with the compliments. The sex dropped off, she got incredibly busy with work and studying for her professional exam. We went on a very romantic vacation to Miami, no sex, valentine’s day, no sex… literally months and months without physical intimacy. The physical affection went away, she stopped touching me in any way. The kissing, like real kissing stopped. I tried to be patient, loving, I thought that if I showed how awesome a boyfriend I could be, it would be noticed. Just thinking of her pretty face fueled me to push myself working out. All I had to do was think of her and I could run an extra mile, literally.

I probably asked her for sex too many times, but I tried to be considerate and choose my timing wisely. She got angry every time. She was always too tired. I got fed up and started to question if she really loved me. Wait, she never has told me that, actually. To this day I have never heard “I love you” from her despite many times saying it to her from the bottom of my heart. I kept holding out hope. Always holding out hope, there’s always a bright side, the light is at the end of the tunnel.

She finally finished her exam and everything brightened up a bit. She was less stressed, able to exercise now, finally had free time after spending 9 months studying and working, holidays and weekends included, every waking hour. I was so proud of her for passing! Things got a lot more peaceful and happy, and I got some affection back, like sitting next to her, kissing hello and goodbye, but the sex, passion, etc. from year 1 hasn’t returned. I spent the last few months trying to figure out what I want to do, what I need to say, what to do, confused, but maybe 85% happy on the day-to-day with her but deep down knowing it just isn’t totally right and will come to a head one day. Which day?

That day was decided for me. The girl I spent the last 2.5 years with, well, I don’t even know her. And now, a lot of things are starting to make more sense. I was cleaning out the trunk of her old car to install a trailer hitch for my bike rack and figured it was about time to clean it out. I found a folder with a bunch of old files in it and was curious if there was anything important or if it was trash. I started to cringe when I saw a folder that said “marriage license”. Ok let’s just see what else is in here and come back… A BIRTH CERTIFICATE… FROM 7 YEARS AGO. She is a mother. The the man on the marriage license, the man whose passport is in the folder, her husband at the time, perhaps even still for all I know, is listed as the father. Dizzy, wanting to throw up, sick, like nothing is real right now, no one is real, the only thing that is real is the pain I feel, trust lost. At the same time I felt a sense of compassion and understanding. This predates me and there is some other stuff regarding a warrant and court case against the father about 4 years ago. But where the hell is the 7 year old boy? Where is the estranged husband. Is this his car I’ve been driving around? Why was I lied to? Why was this something to hide? There were so many signs I just chose to ignore.. I was happy after all, why question happyness? Is there any way out of this? How could I be accepting of this?

It’s funny, I thought I was happy before just like I thought I was confused before. Now never in my life have I been so confused.

Honest advice:

You let her walk all over you; that would turn most women off. Look, people treat you how you allow them to treat you. By being "trusting, patient, apathetic, and accepting TO A FAULT. I am a lover, not a fighter, avoid conflict like the plague and tend to bottle things up and always “look at the bright side” of everything", you are setting yourself up for situations in which people take advantage of you and you let them do it, and then they lose respect for you. Women need to respect their men, and as soon as a woman figures out she can treat you like crap and you will take it with a smile on your face, the game is up and it's just a matter of time until she starts looking around.

Sorry if that came accross harsh, but you need to learn that lacking the courage to stand up for yourself is not a condition of your personality; it's a choice. Learning to own your choices is part of being an adult. You can choose to start valuing yourself enough to never, ever put up with crap like this from a woman ever again.

Yeah, that's right, I was naive and inexperienced in dating and relationships so by the time I realized what was going on and started to push back, obviously there was damage already done. I do feel like things are better now because I started to demand respect and call her out when her attitude flares and she is being disrespectful. Obviously better still isn't great.

That is unbelievable. You need to tell her that you found the papers and you need her to explain this to you.

Are you still together (and want to work it out) or is this huge lie the end?

I don't know if this is the end or not, but I can't know that until we talk about this tonight. I know I have a "first relationship" fear of losing her and being alone and telling all my friends and family what happened and having a broken heart on and on. I really truly wanted her to be "the one", and I love her but it's time to confront what's wrong.

I went home last night and had a normal night with her, I just wanted to know how I would feel. We took our dog out to play, ate some food, hung out at home like the usual. It was fine. I'm sure she knew something was up with me, but she didn't ask. I was still in disbelief. We are very much alike, we run far away from problems instead of confronting them, it's a bad thing.

So you want to stay with her even though she's been lying to you and basically treating you like crap for so long?

You really need to communicate with her about how you feel, how shes been treating you and the information you found out.

Keep us posted!

I am trusting, patient, apathetic, and accepting TO A FAULT. I am a lover, not a fighter, avoid conflict like the plague and tend to bottle things up and always “look at the bright side” of everything. This is who I am, it’s how I’m wired, this is what I’m working with.

If you are saying that you are this way no matter what, you are saying that you are not able to deal with conversation, communication, and conflict like an adult and you are unable to grow and change. That's just sad.

I've done a lot of growing in the last 3 years. I have gotten a lot stronger and a lot wiser. I don't have the same complexes anymore or at least as bad. I should have phrased that better. I am able to communicate but I do sometimes feel like I don't understand how I feel. The communication problem has mainly been that I get shut down whenever I open up and want to share. I've spent the last 3 years observing in and out and learning.

This obviously is a crossroads, things from here could go many ways, but thank god it is going somewhere now! I went into this feeling ready, confident, and strong, and I still do after our discussion, which goes as follows:

I told her I felt disconnected, like something was always wrong, the lack of sex (the love type) was an underlying problem. She said, “you just want sex, right?” I said, “No! I just want love.” she uses her typical excuse that she’s tired (always apparently). I told her she never told me that she loves me ever, stopped showing affection in any way and things went bad after our first year together. She said it’s just not like her to be affectionate like that. She was defensive and I was very obviously emotional and she said it makes her angry to see me emotional. She was defensive, she says “what do you need” or “what do you want”, “is that all your worried about?” I told her that something was always not right and then she said she is depressed. I asked why and she said because of her job, repeated she’s tired and because of her job again and again. I said “you’re depressed because of your job? and that’s it?” I got a hesitant “yyyeah”. She’s been constantly making up excuses, lying, hiding what’s inside that has been tormenting her for almost 2 years, probably 5 years but with a break during the first year after we met.

From there, after finally breaking down, opening up a little, and admitting she’s depressed (now I think back she told me she’s depressed before, a LONG time ago when we had a conflict and we’re talking heart-to-heart)... I got the folder out and told her how I found it and she was obviously shocked and timidly said “did you go through my stuff?”. I told her I was trying to clean it up and just came accross it. She said “what did you see?” I said, “what do you think?” She said “so you know everything about me now?”, I said, “are you married”, “I was”, do you have a baby” she said yes and broke down crying… and so did I. Her wounds were now reopened.

She told me the story, crying so hard it was difficult to understand what she said. She said he continually beat her after she had the baby. She wouldn’t tell me why. I asked her if he did anything else to her, she said she didn’t want to talk about it. I had to be careful, she said “I don’t want to talk about it” so many times, I didn’t want her to shut down. She said things weren’t even good leading up to the baby. She lived with his family and they all treated her poorly, details are foggy. She said one time he hit her she called the police, they arrested him, he went to jail, she left never to return, and he got bailed out. He hired an attorney and she was a student with no money, couldn’t defend herself, scared and confused about what to do. She signed some kind of agreement and the guy got off (details are foggy). She is legally separated, not divorced. The last time she saw her son he was 2 years old.

I asked her “is this why you’re depressed”, she nodded

She said the only thing that will make me happy is to have my son back

...that was the most genuine, heartfelt, devastating and painful thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life and my heart broke... This is what’s wrong, this is the problem with everything.

She said over and over and over crying, “what can I do now?” I told her I don’t know but I’m here for you and we are going to figure it out

She repeated “it’s been so long now, I don’t know what to do” “what can I do”

My heart was just utterly shattered. I never felt so much compassion. I felt her pain, agony. I was furious at this guy, I was angry about what she has endured.

She was worried that she had done something illegal by abandoning her son. I told her no.

She said she was a horrible person for abandoning her son. I told her she was not a horrible person

She said he was 2 years old when she left, and he’s 7 now. She said “it’s been so long”. I told her “you missed a lot of time but it’s never too late, but you can’t lose any more time”

She said she would think about it every single day. When she finally got a job and got money, she didn’t know what to do, or she said it was too late (details foggy). She is afraid of the father and his family.

She said she wanted to tell me and she planned to tell me several times but never knew when and then she said it just was too late now, after all this time together and never having mentioned it.

her parents and whole family in Asia don’t know anything

I told her I love her son even though I’ve never seen him before because I love her so much. She said “you’ve never seen him?” I said no, she said crying “you did see him when I lied to you and told you the baby pictures I showed you were of my nephew.” Trying to recollect, I think she showed me those pictures as we walking down the hallway to my relatively new condo just after she moved in. I think she wanted to tell me then. That was April 2013.

When I was house shopping in late 2012, she wanted me to buy a house, not a condo at all, in a nice school district. I wanted a 2 br place, but sometimes I would find a really nice 1br for a good deal, she was like “No! don’t get a 1 bedroom” and listed all the same reasons why I prefer to have 2 as well. She even said that her mom might come to the US to visit and would need a place to stay. (I was totally cool with the idea of her mom coming for a couple months) I was like “uhh, yeah I’ve known you for like less than a year, you don’t really have a say in what kind of house I buy (house in the burbs vs. condo in the city).” Now I know why.

I asked her if she wanted have her son back, she nodded. I asked her if she wanted her son to live here, she gave me a big nod.

told her that I would do everything I can to help her see her son, I told her we are a team, that she is not alone any more, she has my friends, my family, me and that she doesn’t have to carry this around with her and hide it any more.

What I’m angry about more than anything is she was losing precious time with her very young son (2 yrs to 7yrs old, 3 of those with me) while she was with me trying to build a new life and forget her past.

I struggled to remove myself from the topic, I caught myself, I didn’t want to make it about me or us yet. I told her we would talk about us later, it’s not that important now in light of this, this was too big a bomb for us both for one night. Our relationship is damaged. I’m not going to kick her out right now, I will give her a chance, but we have a lot of work to do. We have to start over really. We have to discuss every thing that has been wrong with us in the context that now I know about her past. It is not like me to wash my hands in a case like this. Actually, this is where I shine. I can be her hero if she will let me. I love her to death, but I will not allow her to continue to be with me if she cannot love me the same and she will be fully aware of that.

Jackpot really, this is the underlying thing, this is the truth and it’s still a bloody fleshy wound but I actually feel uplifted. I trust her on everything else between us and she is loyal and shows how much she cares about me every day.

...........................

we both worked from home today and we're both still very raw and heavy with emotion. She was very quiet and very sweet, obviously shaken and disturbed, I treated her well and she was open and I think she just might be feeling some kind of relief. It was a good day, the best day in a very very long time. Before she went to bed I kissed her and told her I love her and that we need to talk again tomorrow.

Holy cow! Well, get thee to a lawyer.

Her story makes little sense to me. Why was she not given custody of her child, if her husband was put in jail for assault? Why is she not allowed to see her son? Why did she make no attempts to see him, fight for him? Why did she lie to you for so long, and until when was she planning to lie to you, had you not discovered the folder well hidden by her?

I know you love her, but how can you put up with the horrid deceit, and just forgive the miserable way she treated you all along?

I think you are still being played, and she will take you to the cleaners, both emotionally and financially.

You better forget about being her knight in shiny armor and start asking questions, because you have no idea in what kind of messy situation you're getting yourself involved.

Stop letting her ambiguity and her "I don't want to talk about it" deter you from getting to the bottom of this - and whatever you do, do not judge the situation based on her side of the story - obviously she is no stranger to lies and deceit, so do yourself a favor and try to learn what really is going on - from sources other than this woman.

Honestly, I don't understand why you're still around, after all this deceit. There are so many decent sincere women out there, who wouldn't dream of doing this to you.