It is not getting better... Please help!

Hello Everyone -

I just found this site and I thought I'd reach out for some support and advice.

I was with a beautiful, sweet, funny girl for 3.5 years. She dumped me a little over one month ago, after realizing that the thought of getting married to me did not excite her. She said she had been battling these thoughts and questioning our relationship for 6 months or so. I had no idea. We had lived together for over 2.5 years, got an apartment together, were saving to buy a house, etc... Her family loved me. My family loved her. Everything was pretty perfect. We had talked often about getting married, including the details of the ceremony.

I found out tonight that she is already dating other guys. It seems like I'm miserable and she's already moved on and is doing great... She's dating, is getting an apartment, moving to a new neighborhood, etc... She seems very happy. I'm stuck in this dark, cold, empty apartment. NC is not working for me. I'm a strong, successful guy and I keep reaching out like a weak little boy. Every time I think of her, I reach out or go to her Facebook page. I'm even reaching out to her family just to keep the lifeline of our relationship going.

Is it all too fresh and real? What can I do? This is such a miserable, awful feeling.

Please help!

It is so painful to learn that your ex is dating someone new. I try my hardest to not know what is going on in my ex's life. Ignorance is bliss.

What I would do if I were you however, is get out there! Meet new people and start dating! (Trust me it helps soften the blow).

I find that not knowing a single thing my ex is doing helps alot.

Hey jacksonbrowne,

wow what can I say? What can anyone say for that matter?

I guess we could start with the basic tells, her thinking about your relationship for 6 months is basically her thinking ahead. What I've learnt is a woman usually gets upset, finds something she doesn't like and then after the initial sadness starts to move on from it, but we don't know that, it must be a very personal time for a woman to begin the process of recovery whether it be emotional, mental or physical or all of those aspects, it's done in secret. Just like, when you do something wrong, she might not shout at you straight away but she'll make you pay for it in the long run, like a circling shark waiting for the right moment. Us guys, we tend to just keep whatever is bothering us to one side, we don't tend to identify something and then spend a long time trying to move on from it, we either deal with it then and there or not at all, well not when we are with a woman anyway, or at least I don't. So, it may seem like she was already starting the grieving process of moving on from you way into those 6 months. 6 months is a LONG time to be having doubts, to be thinking, to be working things out, detail by detail, and obviously it must of been bugging her so she chose to do something about it and find the right moment to pluck up the courage to start all over again and that's what probably started this breakup a month ago.

There doesn't seem to be anything wrong in regards to what's on the surface but like I said, sometimes you never can tell what is going on inside a woman's mind, it's a powerful place that we tend to take for granted, the kind of situation where; say, if you had both your parents there going up (some don't) usually there is one that's soft and giving and forgiving and one that is hard, unforgiving and demanding. You tend to side with your dad (or in my case it was anyway) who gave you an easy ride, now relate that back to your situation, perhaps something went wrong and you didn't notice it, you didn't love her as much as you could of done, perhaps she felt she was missing out on something. And because, you felt like everything was okay, siding with the fact that everything was easy as pie, nothing to sweat, perhaps you get too comfortable and did something wrong.

Or maybe you didn't, maybe she just lost interest, perhaps she wants something different. It's horrible isn't, to spend 3 and a half years with someone and then, and only then after all that time, they back out and disappear and ruin everything that had been formed; all the memories, experiences, the bond you had with each other. It just really shows how fragile love can be sometimes, and one person can very easily love the other person and the other person love but not want the same things. It really seems like she must of had a brainwave one night and thought "I want something different" or "This isn't working for me". But you shouldn't be asking me or the next person why that is, you need to be asking HER. Forget the no contact, she just left you dude, after 3 and a half years, the no contact is her not showing any sign of compassion and support for you. Like "Oh, thanks for those 3 and a half years, don't bother contacting me, I'll see you then". You need to talk to her, and even though it's ended, find out why it ended, who was to blame, what happened because you DESERVE to know. This wasn't some fortnightly romance bubble that popped, this was a considerably long relationship, that's 1300 days pretty much if I count correctly.

In terms of what you should do next baring in mind contacting is an option, but obviously focusing on your self and your future. Start the healing process. It's a horrible horrible situation to be in, and I've felt the full affect of feeling heartbroken as I'm sure many others have, the most healthiest way to go about in terms of emotional well being is, if you can, like I've said, get some closure. If she doesn't budge then no offence, you must still love her, she wasn't worth it. How can a woman leave a man after 3 and a half years and not have a reason? There's no excuse, by then, you should know what the other person is about, even marriage was mentioned, the future was mentioned and now this? Start the healing process, it's not going to be easy but don't be bitter.

Perhaps, she just didn't want to marry you? That could be why.

Start the healing process, do what makes you happy, don't beat yourself up about it, I know it's going to be hard and it's easy for someone who's not currently in this situation to say "Hey just get over her man" like it's some easy feat, because it's not, let's face it, it's really hard but... maybe this was a blessing in disguise. Maybe she moved out of the way so you could be happy, she didn't want the whole marriage thing and so effectively, she'd of been a dead weight, you'd of married a woman that didn't want to be married and God knows what could of happened down the line, dishonesty, lies, manipulation... at least it ended in one foul swoop. People come and go in our lifetime, people we think really should stay sometimes turn out to be the ones that really should not be in our lives altogether, and sometimes the people you never thought would be in your life end up in it for the long haul. Just be strong, be mature and send her a message, make it clear that you understand the principle of what's happened but you don't know why and you deserve to know having been with her for so long and so then you can make the whole healing process that much better, and tell her to be honest, sometimes it's the "Its not you, it's me" escape route is tried, don't fall for it, ask her questions but ask her the right questions and if she's a decent enough person then she'll give you the answers you are looking for and then at least you know.

As for her dating guys pretty much straight after a relationship of that magnitude and length? Was this an actual blessing in disguise? I mean, come on... By her doing all this, hasn't she shown you the truth of the situation? She's in her element, jumping from guy to guy, this girl can't be marriage material even if you thought she were. If she can jump on a dating site straight after talking about marriage then, some poor guy is going to be in for a shock when and if he hears about this past relationship, if I heard about it, I'd run a mile from her. Sounds like an emotional disaster waiting to happen. For your benefit, I hope someone does the same to her one day, I hope she plans everything, secretly visits a shop where they sell wedding dresses with her friends and then for the guy to ditch her and run. The whole idea - GONE. That one dream - RUINED. And it sounds horrible, it really does.. BUT.. people like that only learn their lesson when they learn what it's like to treat people the way they get treated and unless you've not been honest here, she's literally left you for dust for any suitable man on a dating site. Ring alarm bells for you? Does for me.

Be strong. Look after yourself. Your no doubt an amazing guy who's got a great future ahead of him, keep being strong, keep being successful and let your will to succeed take over now and don't settle until this now, seems like a million miles away.

Hope I helped, and good luck

She has been unhappy for 6 months. You should realize that she is 6 months ago of you in healing. Try not to look at her social media or finding out about her life.

Hey, Telly... Thanks for the advice! My short term focus is on a vacation I have planned in two weeks. Can't wait. When I get back, I'm going to try and get out from under this apartment so that I can move to a new place and not come home to these memories every day. Once that happens... Back on the market!

Take care and I appreciate the note.

It is so painful to learn that your ex is dating someone new. I try my hardest to not know what is going on in my ex's life. Ignorance is bliss.

 

What I would do if I were you however, is get out there! Meet new people and start dating! (Trust me it helps soften the blow).

 

I find that not knowing a single thing my ex is doing helps alot.

gdg.... Wow! Thanks so much for taking the time write that.

I agree 100% that she made her decision some time ago and was afraid to pull the trigger. What's sad about the whole situation though is that a week before she broke up with me, I actually sort of broke up with her, or at least called out some areas in our relationship that I thought needed work. I did this because I found out she had met up with an ex of hers the week prior. Well, after that conversation, we agreed to take a break. She left for a week and came back crying and apologizing, saying that she "loved me". Only 5 days later she dumped me. Bottom line - I don't think she has any clue what she wants and is all over the place and is doing me a favor by removing me from our relationship.

To answer your question, the reason she broke up with me was because she didn't get excited about the idea of getting married to me any longer. She did in the past though. I also think she was unwilling to work on the areas of our relationship that I wanted to see improve.

Thanks - I think I'm beginning to realize that now!

She has been unhappy for 6 months. You should realize that she is 6 months ago of you in healing. Try not to look at her social media or finding out about her life.

I predict you will be fine. Stick with it and don't give up.

Thanks for the note... I hope I will be fine too.

I gotta figure out a way to STOP OBSESSING. I think I have a good system in place for No Contact now. Any suggestions on how to stop my thoughts from running wild and to point them in another direction?

Well it would be best to take No Contact to the extreme for the moment. No contact with her family, try to lock out her social media pages (have someone else think of the password), do everything you can to stop direct or indirect communication with things closely connected to her. That will give you some separation and it won't undo the progress you make when you're out of touch with her when you make these contacts.

Then the next step is distraction. Go out with your friends a lot. Go out in public. Exercise, do well at work, take care of your appearance, TALK TO OTHER GIRLS. Force yourself if you must. It will give your mind something else to think about and you won't put so much focus on your ex.

You must go 100% NC or you will wallow in this for much longer than necessary. This means not reaching out to her, not checking her social media and not contacting her family. Like the others said, she's 6 months ahead of you in healing. She was doing her grieving process during the last 6 months of your relationship so yes she's already moved on. It may not seem fair or feel good to you and that sucks but you can't change it.

The best thing is go 100% NC and distract yourself w/ other things as mentioned in the above post.

Thanks!

For the most part I am good with keeping myself busy and have a plan there. My issue is when I'm at work when things are slow (sitting in front of a computer) or at home at night when I don't have plans. I need to find a way to refocus my thoughts and energy in a different direction in these times.

I have un-friended her and blocked her on Facebook and have un-tagged all of the photos from FB that I was in with her. That was a good move because it is adding a barrier in keeping me from deeper and searching her out.

You must go 100% NC or you will wallow in this for much longer than necessary. This means not reaching out to her, not checking her social media and not contacting her family. Like the others said, she's 6 months ahead of you in healing. She was doing her grieving process during the last 6 months of your relationship so yes she's already moved on. It may not seem fair or feel good to you and that sucks but you can't change it.

 

The best thing is go 100% NC and distract yourself w/ other things as mentioned in the above post.