Feeling Unappreciated

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting on a forum like this. I'm just at a stage where I want to find out other peoples opinions on my situation, when my partner and I argue we are so completely opposite on what we think I just want someone to give a balanced opinion!

So a bit of background, I'm 22 and my partner 24, we moved in together 7 months ago after 4 years dating. He works in a retail job 9-6, I work at home on the computer 9-5. I earn double his salary and we both work hard! All be it different types of work, his is physical mine is mental.

Now growing up his mother did EVERYTHING for him, I noticed this when I first was introduced to the family. She would always do the cooking/cleaning/laundry etc, this is different for me, me and my sisters were always expected to help out around the house when asked. I do think his bringing up is part of the issue with his attitude now so I thought I'd point it out.

So our relationship is good, we get on great we compliment each other we have a good laugh and most of the time it's good! However, we rarely argue but when we do it's usually a big one. I do have a smaller issue that I bring up to him all the time but it never changes. He will ask me to do things all the time. Now I know it sounds petty but it is an issue when it happens all the time! For example, can you get me this, get me that, can you make a cup of tea? Sounds harmless but when you're asked to do EVERYTHING, even when he is not busy and you are clearly doing something, it gets annoying! My first instinct when I want something, is to go and get it myself and ask if he wants it/one. His first instinct is to ask me to get it for him. I wouldn't mind every now and again of course not, it's called a favour but when it's for everything you can probably see it as an issue. Now i've brought this up all the time, he says it's because he works a physical job and hes tired.

Now, I do all the house work because I'm at home when I work. So I have time to put laundry in, make the dinner etc. No problem! However, my job requires me to work very late sometimes in meetings (I work with Americans, i'm English) so sometimes up to 12pm. When he gets up in the morning at 7 he expects me to get up with him and make his lunch/breakfast. Which I don't mind, sometimes he's in a rush so 90% of the time fine I don't mind. However, he says I HAVE to do it and he doesn't appreciate it..even when I'm up till 12pm/1am he still wakes me up at 7am. Sometimes I'd like it if he thought for once oh shes been up till early maybe she would want to sleep in. I'm always tired because of this.

So the reason i'm writing this is to explain the argument we had this morning as it's fresh in my mind and I'd like opinions. So he woke up goes into the shower etc I'm trying to wake myself up. The one chore he does is washing the dishes, which he doesn't do in the evening after dinner like he should but the morning after (his choice). He hadn't done them yesterday so there was a ton to do. Including the washing board/knife/lunch box etc I needed to make his lunch. So I sat on the couch for a little while to wait for him to do it, fine right whats the problem it wouldn't make him late I was just waiting. He is constantly saying come on get off your ass. Which is pissing me off so I ignore him and just say im waiting for the stuff. So he starts getting angry and saying if you can't be assed blah blah blah. So we start argueing, I get up to do the lunch for him but at this point I'm annoyed! He's talking to me like this and saying these horrible things when I'm up making his lunch for him. So I say speak to me like that again and you can make your own lunch. "Just shut up and do it". OK, I don't think so, I leave the kitchen and don't make his lunch. This causes a huge argument where he is calling me lazy, selfish, mentions me sitting on my ass all day which he says ALL the time, I did this for you and you treat me like this. Things of this nature.

He will do one thing for me, such as help me with a small computer issue that took him 10 minutes (which he asked me to go to the shop for him during this time btw) and he'll then say I did this for you and this is how you treat me? When I do EVERYTHING for him on a DAILY basis, countless amounts of things and never use it against him in this way. He then says if you wont make my lunch I'm not going to eat ANYTHING all day, unless you give me £7 for my dinner. I say as if I'm going to pay for your lunch get it yourself, he says your point isn't even worth £7 says a lot. Which is twisting the situation so much it's ridiculous. I say I don't give a damn if you don't eat all day, it's self-inflicted I really don't care at all. As if he thinks he can make me feel guilty cause he's hungry all day.

I guess overall my point is, he always mentions that I'm "Sat on my ass all day" which insinuates that I'm doing NOTHING. Which is of course completely false! I earn twice his wage and pay more rent than him, I work extremely hard it's just not physical labour. I think because he works physical he thinks I should do everything, but he doesn't seem to realise that I'm working hard too and he needs to help! Similarly, I do these things for him like get up at 7am, it'd be nice if he thought about me for once and say let me sleep in if I've been up till 1am working. It sounds so petty when you write it, but it's the underlying thought process that I'm worried about. He doesn't appreciate what I do for him!

Thanks for the help, I hope someone can give me some pointers or explanation. Am I wrong to be getting annoyed about this?

Personally, I think that if you are arguing with him about getting up in the morning to make him breakfast - but then you go ahead and do it anyways - you are really just giving him a hard time for nothing. You've lost your own argument. You are teaching him that if he insists and throws a fit enough, you'll just do it.

Rather than arguing and grumbling while you make him breakfast, when you are asleep at 7am and don't want to get up, why don't you just say "No"? If he says "but I'm hungry", I would reply "the cereal is in the cupboard". Simply don't do it.

Don't worry, he won't starve.

I think you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. I can tell you that I do have some friends where the wife is running around taking care of the kids and doing various errands and the husband who is watching TV will ask her to make his tea. And she will do it. I find it shocking... but hey... every relationship is different.

Chances are, if he grew up that way, he might be looking for someone to do the same. It's up to you if you want to be that person. His first instinct will probably always be to ask you first... but if you say "No"... he will either decide to just do it, or he'll be upset with the relationship and decide to leave. But... if you are not up for that life... that's fine, right?

Personally, I would also sit him down in a quiet moment when you aren't arguing and let him know how you feel about the "sitting on your butt all day" comment. If that's how he really feels, that's incredibly disrespectful and I would show him the door, personally.

I don't think you are wrong to be annoyed by it... it IS annoying! But I do think that you are fighting against the tide a little bit and sabotaging your own argument...

@RedDress Yeah you're right. Thanks for the pointers

I think you should talk with him and tell him that this has to stop. He is used to this serving around, so if you wont stop it - he will continue, I mean who wouldn't?

This also feels a bit like my situation right now, since my boyfriend also told me that I basically do nothing apart from my job, and I was hurt. So I don't think you are over-reacting, but you you keep doing what he asks you so it it a bit strange to wait that it solves by itself.

You are acting like his mother, not his gf.

Getting up to make his lunch? How about he makes it the night before after he does the dishes?

You don't make his lunch....so he wants YOU to give HIM lunch money? This sounds like mommy....not gf.

This is going to sound a little off kilter from other comments but it is something my mum would probably do with my dad who isn't exactly the same as your BF but does sit around doing not much when he finally gets home!

Try turning the jobs and favors thing into something positive. How about doing some of the chores around the house together? If it's his job to do the dishes maybe come and dry them and put them away whilst he is washing them? If you share in the chore you will bond over it. You'll get to exchange news about your days whilst doing it or laugh and mess around. Bubble war anyone? Ask him to help you with the laundry on your end or something similar. If he says no, try to cajole him. Laugh about it, be relaxed and maybe say you'll treat him to some fun later if he helps you out.

Nobody likes doing jobs but this is something that you two will have to work out together. You're not housemates, you shouldn't need to divvy up the jobs. It's very true that you've both been brought up differently but if you can both train yourselves to do some jobs together, it will turn it into a positive experience that you can bond over.

I had a friend at school whose mum could make absolutely any crappy job fun. She used to take us out when we were kids to pick radish plants out of the crop. Any farm kid hated that kind of thing. You'd drive around on the back of the ute in the cold and then you'd get kicked off to go and pick some dumb plant out of the crop that our 10 year old selves cared not a wit about. Not our idea of a sleepover! But she'd laugh and say she'd give us 50c per plant. It was ridiculous but by turning it into a game, it didn't seem so bad anymore.

So maybe give it a go? Who knows? You might be surprised! I hope you find my reply useful.

". So I sat on the couch for a little while to wait for him to do it, fine right whats the problem it wouldn't make him late I was just waiting. He is constantly saying come on get off your ass. Which is pissing me off so I ignore him and just say im waiting for the stuff. So he starts getting angry and saying if you can't be assed blah blah blah. So we start argueing, I get up to do the lunch for him but at this point I'm annoyed! He's talking to me like this and saying these horrible things when I'm up making his lunch for him. So I say speak to me like that again and you can make your own lunch. "Just shut up and do it". OK, I don't think so, I leave the kitchen and don't make his lunch. This causes a huge argument where he is calling me lazy, selfish, mentions me sitting on my ass all day which he says ALL the time, I did this for you and you treat me like this. Things of this nature."

- Sounds like he is NOT respecting you at all!

He's turning 'your job' against you and is insulting you. Would it be different if you were working out of home?

HE needs to understand a job is a job and HIS help in the house work IS dishes. Like you said, his choice not to do them at night.

He sounds really inconsiderate. I would have left like you did too!

"He doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"

- I suggest you move back OUT and let him fend for himself again. Let him see what it's like without you there.

I think this is where the stressors come in and is now affecting your relationship.

My first Ex was a mama's boy and was messy and did nothing either. Yes, I did a lot for him too.

If you come to feel you two are just not that compatible, maybe it's time to leave him behind.. it may come to that.

Sadly, it does happen.

Thanks everyone I think you guys are right. I need to stop it or his behaviour won't change. I guess I kinda just do it because it doesn't bother me all the time. I'm happy to help out and do things for him but he abuses that!

I'm going to put my foot down!