Coward and Breakup

It has taken me almost a year to get the courage to tell anyone about this. I still choose to hide behind the computer screen. I need to write it down here as I have been suffering. I have been suffering alone for too long. Please don't hurt me anymore by making judgements about my decision. I have been hurting too much anyways. Even if you decide to write something mean to me, its not going to affect me that much. I have been already too mean to myself to get affected by few strangers hurtful words. Your choice.

I made a choice more than a year back. I got pregnant after 1.5 yrs of dating my boyfriend. My boyfriend didn't want me to go through the pregnancy. I wanted to have the child. But I was a coward. I couldn't get the courage to stand up to him. I didn't have the courage to face it alone. I didn't have the courage to raise the child alone as a single mother. I come from a culture where premarital sex and pregnancy is not accepted. It is actually harshly criticized. I was a coward. I couldn't bring myself to do it alone. I pleaded with him. I begged him not to make me go through this. Yet, I didn't have the courage to do it on my own. I told him, if he is going to chose abortion, he will loose me. He chose abortion. He said, he will somehow find a way to love me enough to keep me with him. He said, 'lets do it the right way'. The right way meant, lets get abortion, get the cultural approval of marriage and then start a family. I agreed. Till the last minute I kept looking at him helplessly to stop this. Because I was a coward and couldn't stop it myself, I like to blame him. I wanted him to say, lets do it the right way - lets get married and tell the family we are going to have a child together. Nothing really changed. I didn't get the courage to keep the baby. I got abortion. I regret it. I just wish I could go back to past and change it. But nothing I can do now is going to change it. Its done.

He has found a way to keep me with him for past one and a half years. Or rather, I chose to stay with him. Read it whatever way you want. But then, I have been angry at him. I have been angry at myself. Really angry. We have fought bitterly. Most of the times, I have said really really mean things to him to hurt him. He still stuck around. I have tried to break up with him multiple times - lets put it as every month since then I have tried to break up. He still stuck around. I tried to forgive him. Most importantly, I have tried to forgive myself. I have failed. Last 1.5 yrs has been just fights. I am exhausted now. I want to break up. He reminds me of my own failures. He reminds me of my cowardice. He reminds me of abortion that I didn't want to go through and yet I did. I have been unable to move on. It has been 1.5yrs and I am unable to move on. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him anymore. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I just want to move on. I want to stop being angry. I just don't want to be tormented anymore. I just want to be peaceful. I am unable to do it.

You need counseling to let go of the grief and anger.

First, counseling.

Second, no one can judge you for the path you took. You were in a painful position and by the sounds of it, almost held hostage by your own culture. Having an abortion does NOT make you a bad person.

You need to understand that you are NOT a murderer, a horrible person, and no one has the rights to cast stones.

The relationship, you will hurt if you stay or go, so go . Free yourself from him , and take time off to work on you. You need to work through the pain, the anger , and the grief. Staying with him is holding you hostage and forcing you to relive this pain daily.

It will take time, but you can walk away from this with the knowledge that you can live a pain free existence . But it takes time. Be patient, look to your faith, and dig deep inside you for your strength.

You may think you have none, but you've come this far, and that took a lot of courage. Leave him, get a counselor, and take the time to find you. The right man will be waiting patiently when you're ready (:

Yeah. I have relived it for past 1.5 yrs. I have made him relive this for past 1.5yrs. I have pushed him away in every possible way I could. Yet he stuck around. I am amazed by his patience. But now every time we fight and I say mean things, I feel like a monster for hurting him. I just want to be peaceful and move on. He says with every fight the clock is reset to 1.5yrs back. Even though he tries to make it better, I just keep going back to 1.5yrs back. Sometimes I feel something just died inside me that day. Its hollow with no emotions left for anyone. I have nothing to give him anymore.

For past few months, I knew I won't be able to do it by myself. I have set an appointment with a counselor. I have been afraid of getting help thinking the counselor would judge me as well. Fear of rejection is one of the worst fears you can have.

I have asked my boyfriend to give me space. I have told him I need to be alone. I told him that I don't want him to be hopeful of anything. He knows I am meeting my counselor tomorrow.