Could my girlfriends lying be due to low self esteem?

Hi, thanks for reading my post.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for just over four months now and I recently split up with her because I kept hearing different versions of stories from her that never seemed to add up. I thought these were lies and that she was just not trust worthy. I sat her down and we spoke about these stories for hours on end but never came to a solution as to why they keep cropping up. I told her that I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone I didn’t trust and that I had to break it off with her as it was causing me too much anxiety wondering what she was doing or where she was all the time….even though she said she wasn’t up to anything whatsoever.

One example (probably the most extreme example I have to give) of the different versions of stories from her that never seemed to add up is as follows: We split up at the beginning of February but she came back a month later wanting to give it another go. I was hanging out with a female friend of mine at the time and had planned days out before she came back. I explained after she came back that there was nothing romantic going on with my friend and that even though my girlfriend was back on the scene, I would not cancel the days I had planned out with my friend. After this, my girlfriend had mentioned that she was going out with her mate on one Saturday night. I asked her where she was going but was told that her mate had brought her tickets to a bar, she didn’t know where she was going or what she was doing. I thought this was odd so asked if she was going Speed Dating? (call it a hunch but I was spot on with it). She said she didn’t know whether it was or not and that her mate shouldn’t have brought the tickets if it was and if it was Speed Dating, that she wouldn’t go. i.e. She blamed her mate for buying the tickets and not explaining where they were going. I told her that she should go, I trust her and that she should go for support with her mate. Which she did. I wasn’t happy about it but thought I could trust her. We recently went out with her mate (the one she ‘blamed’ for the whole night) and I asked her about the Speed Dating. She confirmed what I thought was the actual truth and that was that my girlfriend knew full well where she was going and what she was doing as they brought the tickets together two weeks beforehand.

I have a few stories like these but thought I’d share one as an example. A lot of these stories always end the same. No matter who’s at fault, it’s always someone else to blame, not her. i.e. she doesn’t want to be judged by her actions.

Now, I’ve been reading a lot about why people lie and a lot of the time it comes down to low self esteem. They do not want other people to think badly of them so lie about their version of events. Like, with the example above, my girlfriend could have quite easily said she’s going down her local with her mate, she didn’t need to give me the weird ‘her mate had brought her tickets to a bar, she didn’t know where she was going or what she was doing’ response, which kind of makes me feel like she wanted to tell me the truth about it, but didn’t want me to judge her, especially as she wanted to get back with me, so palmed the blame off onto her mate and pleaded ignorance. I have trouble connecting with my girlfriend, she can never seem to open up and it takes ages before she will. She says she’s a very private girl and likes to keep things to herself. She projects this confident, out going, happy personality but deep down (her hidden personality) she is very insecure and ‘really’ worries about other people’s opinion of her. She’s had quite a troubled life, her Dad died of a brain tumour when she was 17, she blamed her Mum for this as she was having an affair at the time and thought the stress of her Dad finding out about the affair caused the tumour. She didn’t speak to her Mum for a year after he died. She doesn’t speak to her older sister anymore, who she said she used to be best mates with, she said they just drifted apart and her older Brother now lives overseas. I think she looked to him as a Father figure after her Dad passed away. I think something in her life has caused her to get this impression that’s she’s not good enough for whatever reason, which causes the low self esteem. Before her Dad passed away, she promised that she wouldn't waste her life and I think she's set this standard in her own mind that she will always strive to do the best she can, which maybe she doesn't meet, making herself feel like a failure maybe? I really want to talk to her about it, I want her to open up to me. I think if she talks about these issues, I can help her sort out her low self esteem and improve her life. I think she’s bottled all this up and never spoken about it to anyone. Just put a brave face on tried to get on with her life without dealing with these issues. I feel I can't connect with her as she's never open and always keeps something hidden from me.

I really want to help her. Any advice on this matter would be greatly appreciated and thanks for reading my post.

People lie because they are manipulative. The easiest way to manipulate someone is to tell them what you want them to know, not the truth. Her story changes because she's engineering an outcome that she wants and that has nothing to do with you or anyone else.

It isn't about a dead dad or her mother's affair. It's a character flaw. She may be insecure about whatever, but at the end of the day, she will always reach for a lie when the truth will keep her ta-tas out of the wringer just as well.

Whatever problems she's got going on, she needs a therapist, not a boyfriend, to help her sort it out. The way you can help her is to tell her to go see one and not put up with her lying. If she'll lie about small, insignificant, unimportant things, she will lie about life-and-death matters, too. She's not a safe person to have in your life.

Eh, to me this is not a big deal. She agreed to go while you were single. She offered to cancel once she knew you two were back together. Her fib about it being the friend's idea was merely to spare your feelings. I can't believe you would jump to the idea that she has some kind of mental disorder as opposed to realizing she was just trying to avoid an awkward conversation about who she was dating while you were apart.

And she's right- at merely 4 mos in, she has a right to keep some aspects of her personal life private. The onus is on you to know better than to ask about such things!

If this is the most "extreme" example of her "lying" well...you run a pretty tight ship, my friend. I might find myself "lying" to you too.

So here’s another example. When we originally split up in February, I found here on the dating website we met on. When I say I found her on there, this was by accident, I was out with my work colleagues and some of the girls I work with wanted to see a picture of her so I went on the site and she was online. She originally said that she was just changing her e-mail address. Then she changed this to she was also showing her mates pictures of me. Then, it was my fault we broke up because I was considered a stalker for finding her online. When she came back and wanted to get back together, her excuse was that she couldn’t resist the temptation of all the attention she was getting on there. She said that in her last relationship, the guy she was with did not pay her much attention and all of a sudden she started getting loads from the site and she was tempted by these. Blaming her ex boyfriend for her actions. Basically, she thought she had a better offer, then realised she’d made a mistake so tried the tugging on the heart strings approach by blaming her ex. This is how all of the stories end up, one story one minute, another story another minute. All the time, none of these actions are her own fault.

She's what is known as a pathalogical liar.

If I was you, I'd leave her alone.

In a nutshell no, it's not low self-esteem that's causing her to lie and cheat on you. It's because she is selfish, manipulative and more than a wee-tad narcissistic perhaps. In fact, she probably loves herself a bit too much and she wants you safely as her backup plan while she looks around for someone to "trade up" on you with. If she had low self-esteem she'd more likely cling to you no matter how badly you treated her.

And you can't "help" her with any of her issues, she has to be the one to do that and I just don't see her wanting to. White knight syndrome or looking at someone as if they were a fixer-upper house you can slap a coat of paint on to your liking is NOT the way to go and it's not fair to either of you. Either be totally 101 percent fine with the way she is, know she's like this and won't change unless she wants to change or break things off for good and move on. Or keep doing what you're doing expecting things to change and wondering why they never do.

Don't make excuses for her behavior... Her dad died, her sister doesn't talk to her, an alligator ate her hamster when she was ten. Jesus, many of us have had serious life issues and low self esteem and we didn't feel the need to lie about everything.

What you have is a girl that doesn't know how to tell the truth for whatever reason. She is not girlfriend material.

Thanks for your replies, I was just reading what makes someone lie 'a lot' and wondered whether this maybe the reason why. I'm guessing it's time to let some other sucker have a crack at her

You write a couple of essays on how she lies and her personal history and top it off with how you want to help her? There is something bad going on with you man. It's called being a fixer. Fixers want to fix others so they don't really have to look at themselves.

You can call me whatever, a fixer, white knight etc......label me what you will but I call it trying to help someone i care about. I know it probably sounds like a pretty messed up relationship but that's what happens when people fall in love, they want to help that person grow and become better, irrespective of the obvious red flags.

Ok, so after reading your post Ms Darcey, I went off and read about ‘Fixers’ and I guess you do have a point. I will certainly be looking into this in more detail. To be honest I wasn’t consciously doing this, I thought I just like helping people but in this instance it looks as though I’m jeopardising my own happiness, sanity and health in trying to help someone who’s highly unlikely to change. I’m just in love with her and love does crazy things. I wanted to try and understand why she lies a lot, I thought I could try and stop it but this is her flaw and not mine to try and ‘fix’, especially at the expense of my own happiness and health. I’m a Software Analyst by trade so I analyze problems and ‘fix’ them so maybe it’s in my nature to do this with everything in life, I was never really conscious of it before, just thought I was caring and helpful and thought these were good traits…..but not when they come at my own expense! I need to learn where to draw the line and set boundaries. Although my previous response was quite defensive, i.e. ‘there’s nothing wrong with me?’ – I honestly did think this at the time, I’m glad you highlighted this to me as it’s definitely something I need to work on. I think the ‘non-sugar coated’ / ‘blowing sunshine up you’re a$$’ responses are the ones that sink in with me so I appreciate your honesty. Thank you!

You are doing well if you can take the honesty and apply it to a better, happier future for yourself. Good luck!

To me, both your examples sound virtually the same: you are asking her to account for the things she did WHILE you are broken up. The details of that time aren't really your business, so you put her in an awkward position when you do this.

Also, people are multi-faceted. It's entirely possible she logged onto the dating website at one point to change her e-mail address, that she also used it to show pictures to friends, and that she enjoyed the attention she was getting. She gave you the part of the answer that wouldn't hurt your feelings or make you mad. However, the more you pressure someone, the more you are going to force them to divulge private things that might hurt your feelings.

Typically, when a couple splits- it is assumed that both parties are free to see other people. As long as no stds or children occur during this time, it can be considered personal. It would be better for you not to investigate or ask for private details of what went on during your break up and it is better that she does not come back rubbing her other dates in your face.

When we originally split up in February, I found here on the dating website we met on. When I say I found her on there, this was by accident, I was out with my work colleagues and some of the girls I work with wanted to see a picture of her so I went on the site and she was online.

Sammi, I guess I should have been a bit clearer when I said the above. What I meant to say was the reason 'why' we split up was because I found her on a dating website. i.e. we were together at the time I found her online. I appreciate your responses but do you think this is acceptable behaviour?

Well, now you are talking about not just lying but cheating behavior. And no, I don't find that acceptable. Your clarification makes all the difference.

Still...you are broken up now...why are you still so worried about this issue?

I know, in time, I will be better off out of the relationship but, even though I'm the dumper, it still hurts like a b1tch.