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  1. #1
    Platinum Member lilypadgirl's Avatar
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    Hot/cold - why do they do that?

    This is a general question about someone acting hot/cold, but I'm especially interested in hearing about ex's being hot/cold, especially dumpers. Why do they do that? How does it make you feel? How do you handle it, especially if you (still) have feelings for that person? Or if you find yourself doing that, is it on purpose or what's going through your mind?

    (BTW: Hot/cold behavior I'm refering to is when you're okay with things or at peace with things and that person does something or reacts in a way that shows they are affected by or desire your presence. But when you take the bait or react to it, they act distant and cold towards you.)
    To truly love someone, you have to throw away your pride, but keep your dignity.

    The world is my oyster, and I am its pearl.

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  3. #2
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    I'm quite young but from my experience, acting hot/cold only serves one main purpose. For example, the girl acts very warm and affectionate to the guy on day 1, everything is perfect. He kisses her goodnight. Day 2 comes along and she half-ignores him. He is hurt and at the same time, dazzled by this sudden change of behaviour. The guy will therefore "work" harder to get back in the girl's good graces.

    I personally find the system retarded. Hope that helps.

  4. #3
    Platinum Member Clementine orange's Avatar
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    My ex did that all the time. Basically it ruined the relationship. When I started doing it to her - towards the end (out of spite or revenge or just pure survival) wow, she did not like that one little bit!
    Now we've broken up and she wants to be friends but I'm not having any of it...she is furious. Little princess allways gets what she wants. OK, I'm getting off topic here, sorry.

    to sum up: hate the hot/cold thing - very immature and annoying.

    I posted here about this very subject - here's the link http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=214101
    Last edited by Clementine orange; 03-10-2008 at 06:55 PM.

  5. #4
    Platinum Member lilypadgirl's Avatar
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    Thanks robinhood and clementine!

    Yeah, I agree that it's immature and very frustrating! I feel like my ex doesn't want me back, but doesn't want me to move on either (at least not before he finds a new girl).

    Why can't people just be straightforward? URGH!

    Haha, sorry needed to vent.
    To truly love someone, you have to throw away your pride, but keep your dignity.

    The world is my oyster, and I am its pearl.

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Clementine orange's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lilypadgirl View Post
    Haha, sorry needed to vent.
    go ahead - I just did!

  7. #6
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    Yes, why can't people just be straight forward?! This is what I don't get either... My ex was nice and friendly early on while I was too cut up to talk to him; now that I'm fine, happy and together he's blanking me.

    You mentioned about feeling as if he doesn't want you to move on; I've been thinking about that lately as I've realised that one of the reasons him behaving this way is bothering me so much is that I find it really difficult to move on properly while the situation is like this. We have to see each other regularly for work, and him getting uncomfortable whenever I get near him just highlights the issue of 'us' and makes it seem as if there is something there that isn't resolved. Although I have no idea what it might be...

  8. #7
    Platinum Member lilypadgirl's Avatar
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    Illyria07, that's exactly my situation. I have to see him everyday so it's hard for me to ignore him being hot/cold. I think there is definitely unresolved issues between us, but I've already played his hot/cold game too long. Every time I reach out to him, even in casual friendship he backs off and acts cold and ignores me. So I say to myself, fine, we don't have to be friends and do my own thing, he starts to act all hurt and sad when bumping into me and try to make small talk until I respond and he backs off again. I even confronted him once about it (albeit over email) and telling him in a nice way that I'm okay with being friends and okay with not being friends. He said that he acknowledges that it's been awkward between us and that he's glad we're friends and doesn't want to lose me as a friend, but part of him doesn't want to be friends either. How ambiguous is that?!

    Just reflecting on robinhood's words, I hope he's not trying to get me to work at chasing him for rebuilding the friendship! It's a two way street!
    To truly love someone, you have to throw away your pride, but keep your dignity.

    The world is my oyster, and I am its pearl.

  9. #8
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    I think sometimes the dumper might be battling with their decision. They may be confused and sometimes they might say something in a text or email that they think may give the ex the wrong idea and then they kind of back away to not give them the wrong idea.

    That's the impression I get with my ex anyway.

    Sometimes it feels like we're getting really close and then I'll make a flirty comment and she'll back off.

    It's frustrating but I just hope that she gets confused as much as I do.

  10. #9
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    This is what happened to me that has actually crushed me into pieces. Over a period of 5 months, he went from Cold to Hot to Cold and its just heart breaking. I wish i knew where I went wrong.

    things were bad- cold,
    then months later a mild friendship starts establishes
    i suddenlty feel fantastic
    he feels good about it too - you knwo when you can just tell
    we're not proper friends but we are friendly and nice to each other.

    and then the other night in a texting conversation i mention in passing 'im so we can finally be friends.'

    he doesn't really give a direct response.

    Then hours later he randomly messages me saying he doesn't want me in his life.


    WHAAAAAAAAT?!

  11. #10
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    haha and now hes just messaged me to apologise saying he didn't mean it!!
    Do you see me point?!!? why do they do this ?!

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