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  1. #1
    Member kiwifly's Avatar
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    Help!! Why do I always attract older men?

    Here's my problem: I seem to only attract men that are a lot older than me. I'm 19 but I've had this problem since I was 15.

    When I was 16 I was hit on my a man in his mid 30s who I later found out was looking for a person to settle down with!! Fortunately someone informed him of my age and he quickly backed off.

    I've also had many other times where men in their late 20s/early 30s flirt with me. Even this year, I think one of my profs in his early 30s is attracted to me.

    Does anyone know why this might be?? I've been said that I am very mature for my age and people have said how I do look older, but is there any way I could attract people around my own age?? There was this one guy in my class who I thought liked me but I was wrong. I do tend to like men that are in their early twenties...I just feel so down whenever I notice someone a lot older attracted to me. For some reason it feels as though I'll never find someone around my own age

    Any suggestions on what I should do??

  2. #2
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    Most men are attacted to younger women. It's genetic... young women are more fertile.

    Also note that there's no problem with dating someone a little older than you, though I wouldn't recommend straying more than 5 or 6 years (at least until you're in your 30's) as you'll have too little in common.

  3. #3
    Silver Member romantic sweetheart's Avatar
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    Older/Younger

    I have the same problem. I am 29, and the only men who ask me out are in their 40's or 50's. What...?? I don't know what it is at all, especially since people still think I am in my early 20's. The older men who have asked me out have wondered cautiously if I am 19. I look young for my age, so why don't the younger men approach me?

    This year especially has been difficult. About four or five different men, all in their l40's and 50's, have asked me out.

    Could it be that we do indeed exude a strong maturity, a subtle energy that draws in the older men? This is a perplexing phenomenon.

    I think much of it has to do with the fact that I am outwardly very warm and kind toward people. Most of the older men who approach me have not been in a relationship for years and years, so they are responding to the fact that I listen to them and talk to them. Perhaps other women would just be brisk and give them minimal attention. I don't know. I enjoy talking with people from all walks of life, so I do not hesitate to have a good conversation with those who wish to talk with me at work.

    At any rate, since you are 19 and men are coming to you who are in their late 20's and early 30's, the dynamics could be a little different. In this case, these men are in their prime and are probably looking for a woman to truly settle down with. You may seem very mature to them, and that is appealing.

    As for men in their 40's and 50's, I think they are intrigued by the idea of being with a younger woman.....it could be thrilling, it could be making up for what they missed in their younger years, it could be a complicated desire to take a young woman under their wing.....The older men who have talked to me express this need to "take care of me", "make sure I'm okay". They bring me food, books, all kinds of things. They are eager to share their wisdom with me.

    As for what they look for in younger girl, likely excitement, a chance to feel young(er), a pretty thing to show off on their arm...I don't know. It's just so confusing.

    The older men are also very quick to tell me that they love me...! It can be quite difficult to know how to handle all this.

    I know your frustration. But I believe that you will be able to meet and attract men closer to your age. It's just a matter of time.

    If you have any stories to share, please feel free to write me. I would be interested in hearing any insights you have.
    For even as love crowns you,
    So shall he crucify you.
    Even as he ascends to your height and caresses
    your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun
    So shall he descend to your roots
    and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

  4. #4
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    guys

    You are only 19, and you are mature looking, and I would say that you are probably attractive too, considering how many guys that you say like you. I would just say to be patient. Maybe the guys are looking for party girls, and you don't look like a party girl. There are nice guys out there, they are probably just shy to talk to you.
    Prepare for tomorrow, not tomorrow, but today.

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  6. #5
    Member kiwifly's Avatar
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    romantic sweetheart, although it's not a good thing to be happy about, I'm glad that someone understands what I am going through!

    I think that the maturity does tend to draw certain older men. Or at least that's what I'm getting out of my situation. It's almost as though they're looking for the best of both worlds: young yet mature?

    I think the fact that you are warm towards many people may have something to do with it. Like you said, probably other women your age wouldn't give them much attention, and to them you are like a breath of fresh air! But then again who knows what goes on in a guy's mind.

    As for me, I'm a very shy in person and it takes me a while to be warm and friendly towards someone. Many of my friends have told me that had I not spoken to them first or had they not taken the risk of speaking to me they would have thought me a stubborn you-know-what! So with that, I'm not sure how these older men are getting the message that I may be interested in them.

    It's definitely very frustrating, especially the latest issue I am going through. I posted it in another thread but basically I've been getting the feeling my prof might be interested in me. I'm not the type to even consider a relationship with a prof, so the whole situation has got me so confused as to what to do. It's just reminded me of my situation of always being considered by the older man.

    And sisterlynch, you have it right on the money: I am not a party girl. I've never been into the whole college thing with the getting drunk/partying/clubbing etc. Call me boring, but it's just not my thing. I know most of my friends have met their current boyfriends through gatherings such as these, so that automatically lessens the chance of myself meeting someone my age!

    What makes it all the worse is that as soon as they find out my age, most of them back off. Although I'm happy they do back off at that point, it makes me wonder: the only men that eventually become attracted to me push themselves away as soon as they find out who I really am. So with no one my age liking me, I'm never going to find someone!

  7. #6
    Silver Member romantic sweetheart's Avatar
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    Hi again my dear. Don't worry about the older men backing off when they find out your age--It has nothing to do with you as a person. They are likely concerned and trying to be cautious about the matter since you are indeed so young.

    When you find someone who fits with you, nothing at all shall matter--it will be so simple, so utterly alive and joyous.....no fears, no restrictions, just passion and love.

    I promise you, you will find a wonderful young man who adores you for who you are. So many men find shyness absolutely charming. Like you, I am also very shy. And like you, I never drank or partied in school. When men see the sweet person you are, the true ones stick around and worship the ground you walk on.

    It is difficult with your professor, but you don't need to have that on your shoulders. That's on him, and he must bear the responsibility of acting appropriately. Although I am not against age gap relationships in any way, I feel that a person's feelings about such issues must be respected.

    Your desires are what you possess in your soul--and you long for a man who is closer in age to yourself.

    I can tell you are a sweetheart, so I, without a doubt, can assure you that love will come to you. Your life is just started, full of promise.....

    You have a gentle spirit, a kindess that draws in all kinds of people. And in no time, a young man will come into your life..and set the world alight........
    For even as love crowns you,
    So shall he crucify you.
    Even as he ascends to your height and caresses
    your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun
    So shall he descend to your roots
    and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

  8. #7
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    age is a number

    Why be concerned about it. You sound like a young attractive female, so you will meet someone. Its all about how you get along with the person that matters. If you restrict you opportunities, you may miss out on that special someone. Age, race, height, only limit you. Just as you may limit yourself to younger men, maybe those younger men limit themselves to less attractive girls. Rejection can hurt. Maybe they are looking for better odds, or they just think that a beautiful girl already has someone. That is common. Lets face it, attractive women are the most approached in the dating game. Usually, older men are looking for something stable and permanent, while young men want to enjoy youth. It give and take either way. There are so many variables, in this situation. Maybe go to places where the crowd is filled with young males.

  9. #8
    Member kiwifly's Avatar
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    romantic sweetheart, thank you so much!! Your words are so beautiful and motivating!

    I hope one day I will feel that way about someone and they'll share the same feelings towards me. It's definitely something to look forward to in life!

    Well with my prof, I think if he was the exact same person, age, personality, everything but my prof, I would be attracted to him as well. He is the one special case in the history I've had with older men being attracted to me that I've actually found him to be attractive in return. But he is my prof, and I can't change that so it has been difficult. This is not to say that I'm now alright with older men being attracted to me...I'd still prefer someone around my age.

    As for being attractive, I don't mean to sound like someone with no self-esteem, but I don't think I'm that attractive as to intimidate men around my age. I'm average I guess, and basically I've noticed that men my age seem to not even notice me .

    I have tried to communicate with some men in some of my classes but it's just so hard when you are shy!

  10. #9
    Silver Member romantic sweetheart's Avatar
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    I know what you mean about feeling confused when you are drawn toward someone, and you are not sure how to approach it. Right now I am in a sort of preditament like that--I have become friends with someone older than me, and I also feel attracted to him, but I can't seem to reconcile that in myself. There are a lot of worries there--deep down I know I would feel better if I had someone closer to my age. And at the same time, I hear people tell me that age isn't an issue...only love is.

    It's just that we are at two very different points in our lives...and also, I always think about the fact that someone older will pass away a lot sooner, and that would be difficult. Our generations are different--different music, different perspectives, different views on the world, etc.....

    It seems to me that you are attracting the attention of many people..so I imagine you have a spark, a radiance that you cannot see--it's sometimes hard to feel attractive and desirable when we are troubled about something...maybe our self-esteem is low, our self-image is suffering......But I wouldn't heistate to say that you are extremely attractive and easily catch the eye of many potential suitors.......

    Sometimes I htink I have more confidence around older men because I feel safer around them than I do around younger men. For the younger men, I think, "He could never be interested in me.." I feel more nervous around them, and I have assumed they would never give me the time of day. Since so many older men have approached me, perhaps I project that confidence, make more eye contact, talk more freely...I am not sure......

    It's okay to feel drawn to your professor----but I know how sticky such a situation can be. I want to tell you that the heart's desire is always truthful--and its intentions are pure....just listen to your soul, silently ask for what you need...and it will come to you.....

    There is no doubt in my mind that you will attract the love you need and want.......Do not be afraid to believe in that...and to long for it...because it will happen.......And it will be your soul's joy....
    For even as love crowns you,
    So shall he crucify you.
    Even as he ascends to your height and caresses
    your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun
    So shall he descend to your roots
    and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

  11. #10
    Member kiwifly's Avatar
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    I think you are very right about the confidence. That's what is probably going on. Every time I find interest in a guy around my age and every time I find out that the feeling isn't mutual, it just makes me less confident around them every time. So I guess it's true! I must unknowingly be confident towards older men, which would make them attracted to me.

    Maybe I should try to be more confident around people my own age, but it's just very hard. Like you said, I can't help but think they won't be attracted to me, and so leading me into this cycle of appearing unconfident to guys around my age and more confident towards those that are older!

    It would be interesting to hear a guy's point of view of this. Could it be that a woman's confidence, no matter what their age, could be a poweful part of appearing attractive to a man? But wouldn't too much confidence intimidate a man?

    Or am I just confusing myself?

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