I've been editing and re-editing a letter to you for a week now. It goes something like this:
"It’s been over two weeks, and I still feel like I’ve been kicked in the teeth. Half of me wants to corner you and bombard you with questions. The other half never wants to see you again. I honestly don't even want to be contacting you, but I can't escape this burning need for closure, for some reason.
Perhaps it's partly because you were not only my lover, you were my dom. My top. I put you in a position of trust that I’ve never put ANYONE in, EVER. When you were wrapping my stockings or your hands around my throat, I was putting my LIFE in your hands. We reached a very deep level of connection (OR SO I THOUGHT).
Because of that, I think I deserve more of an explanation, not just for the breakup, but for the relationship itself in light of what you said when you broke up with me (
"the feelings aren't there"). One minute you seemed so into me, the next I get dumped on my head. And everyone just expects me to move on and put on a happy face, and just get over it, without wanting some answers??
For example..HOW could you have told me “my head and heart agree this is right” or “I’m falling in love with you”, and do and say such sweet, loving things, then pull the rug out from under me, seemingly out of nowhere, a few weeks later? Feelings don't change that quickly. If I did something to spur this sudden change of heart, I’d like to know what it was, so I don't go repeating the same mistakes in my next relationship.
If I’d had the presence of mind the night you broke up with me, I would’ve asked, what do you mean, the feelings aren’t there? Did they DIE? Were they never there in the first place? If not, why did you make me believe they were??
Given the investment of time, effort and emotion I put into this relationship in the last 6 months, and the closeness I thought we’d shared, when I said “I deserve better than this,” I meant, I deserved more of an explanation as to why you pulled me so close to you for 6 months –even when I tried to pull away at times, because I KNEW..I KNEW you weren’t over your ex—only to dump me once things seemed to be going well. I feel like I got totally played..not sure why, tho? Cuz you needed to feel better about yourself, after 6 yrs of (his last ex's) b***s***t? Because you didn't want to be alone? See? Questions, questions...
I did not ask for (a mutual friend of ours') input that night that he returned your stuff to you on my behalf; however, he felt led to explain to me that you feel you have nothing to contribute to a relationship right now, your life is a mess, you need to focus on yourself, etc….since I never asked nor expected you to have your * * * * together to be with me, and you contributed a g****n LOT to the relationship-surely you KNOW that… that all sounds to me like the standard “give her an excuse that is less likely to hurt her feelings or make you look like an a$$hat” template. ("it's not you, it's ME", bla bla.)
I frankly suspect that you're still in love with some phantom you saw once a weekend every 3-4 months, and me as a human being who's HERE so you could see my faults and imperfections, and made you have to deal with the demands and expectations of an adult relationship...well I just couldn't compete with that phantom.
But..that's just my rampant, wild speculation.
Anyway, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of everyone's armchair coach speculation –including my own, or second-hand info about your motives and feelings, simply because you decided to pull a 180 seemingly out of nowhere. I just want to tidy this chapter of my life up and move on. It's killing me that I can't, not without some clarity on the s*** that still makes no sense to me.
For the sake of closure, I’d like to know the truth, straight from you. I'd like to know what's been going on in your head the last 6 months. I hope that you respect me enough to GIVE me the truth and have enough confidence in my maturity and strength that I can handle it.
There's nothing to lose by being honest with me because..and, just so there’s NO confusion, I’m not asking for this by any means to try to get you back. Just so we're clear. I don't want you back. I don’t play the break-up/get back together games that you and (his last ex) seem to enjoy. I‘d rather take all the good things I have to offer and give them to someone who appreciates me, rather than trying to push them on someone who clearly doesn't want them, for whatever reason..no feelings, not ready, etc.
I’m SURE there’s a decent, attractive, intelligent guy out there SOMEWHERE who would love to be with a sexy fetish model who’s sapiosexual, bisexual, amenable to lap dances at strip clubs, porn and threeways; who has a high sex drive; who is honest, loyal, and trustworthy; who is submissive and doesn’t mind a certain amount of pain; who is relatively easygoing and likes to share and do things with her boyfriend; who's not afraid of intimacy; who is funny, clever, highly intelligent, well-read, well-rounded,; who likes opera and symphonies; etc…you get my drift.
I’d like to MOVE ON and find this person."
Haven't sent it. YET.