itsallgrand

I don't think you are lacking. But maybe there's still a part of you that has trouble relaxing and feeling ok when you aren't looking your best, maybe it's from all the conditioning that you'd get nagged and judged at if you weren't. Just your mom putting her own insecurities on you, but you were too little to not be impacted by that. I hope it's ok I address this part of your post! It got me thinking too! My mom was the opposite of yours, she really took a lot of pride in being "down to earth". I mean, she was a natural beauty. She got attention no matter what she wore. But to the point, so I felt weird about occasionally wanting the expensive dress or brand. It's only an issue if it limits you being able to live how you want fully. Funny all the ways things can stick with us.

Sharing a bed with my favorite aunt for two nights in a hotel and I was getting cranky lol. She is partially deaf and can't fall asleep without the TV. I would wait for her to snore to turn it off because otherwise I wouldn't sleep. Then she is up at the buttcrack of dawn lol. Love her, but sharing a bed or even a room is challenging. I think you are right it'll be a lot better once she has her room and you are working. Too much togetherness blows as we know from lockdowns !

This is very helpful, thank you!

I might have to find some vintage ones! The newer ones don't seem to be the same quality.

Where can you find a good pair of jeans now? Actual denim, lasts through the years, gets all comfy and perfect!

It's crazy how many young people dress like this all the time now, regardless of occasion. The old eccentric relative look!

I think you have your answer lol. You're exhausted after one meet.

Reading what you've wrote since, sounds like a different situation than just being relaxed and casual. You are saying dirty and gross lol and yeah no one finds that appealling. Not to obsess on the swimming thing, but I feel my best after that! My favorite exercise. Or any good work out. Brimming with a clearer head and good energy. Yeah I get how putting effort into appearance can improve your mood. It's one tool in the toolbox! Made me think of the ladies in the nursing home, and their hair and nail days, and seeing their spirits perk up. A lift to their chin. And it really makes sense with you opening a salon you are tuned into this. Congrats, by the way!

When I met my SO I was in a pair of sweats and a big baggy sweater after coming back from swimming lol. I'm sure there are other guys who have looked past me because I'm not by default looking real put together. I'm clean and all that! But some people do care about the appearance of style more than others. It's fine, those people find each other. I long ago decided for dates I showed up a reasonable approximation of what you would get on a regular day. No surprises, what you saw was what you get. And it did help me in not wasting my time with someone who might be wanting something else. I mean, maybe he did come back from surfing or something prior to the date?! Maybe not lol. Either way, you seem to have as the deal breaker that his level of showing up is not acceptable to you. You have the right to pick and choose however you want.

I hope today was a little bit better for you than the one before. You will get through this.

I'm very sorry this happened. Your head and heart must be reeling. It's not your fault! Yes, you were snippy. Still not your fault! For most people, acting out violently isn't even an option in their head. And you thought your wife was one of these people. And then to see first hand it is an option for her, that would be very disorientating. You take all the time you need to process. And this will be an ongoing issue that needs more than an apology from her, it needs action. Over time. If you decide you are giving her another chance, she has to earn back your trust and show with action she understands how serious it is. I find the family reaction really disturbing. Seems as you said, they have normalized violence from women. And that they consoled her - what? No one stood up to tell her what she was doing was wrong? No one consoled you? It seems so wrong to me. And another thing you need to consider going forward. It's not only a her thing, it's a family issue. This is being modeled for your daughter. Gather your people. Don't go it alone. Hope they get back to you soon. Again, no rush, your wife needs to show understanding that you need time to process. If she doesn't respect that, the issue is even bigger and will require quick action on your part. Write as much as you need or want to figure this out. Something that stuck with me from growing up, my mom and dad always repeated to us kids that if someone so much as raised a hand at us when we got into relationships, you leave and don't look back. It's abusive to lash out, it doesn't have to be directly aimed at you. It's a taste of what's to come and the person's sense of right and wrong. I still feel that way to this day. I'm not telling you what to do, but see if you agree and what would you want for your daughter as she grows up. What would you tell her.

You are describing "keeping sweet". Which is more about the appearance of being "nice", than being genuine in expressing your feelings. I grew up next to a pastor of a particular religious denomation where people emphasize this, especially for women. One of the daughters was my age, we were friends. And actually a lot of my friends growing up were raised this way. I'm very familiar! It's the plastered on smile and cookies at your doorstep, but those church ladies hate your guts and what you stand for. It's the seething anger underneath the facade. It's someone hiding who they are and then reacting extreme out of nowhere because they suppress so much. Alex, you have to get past doing things for what you think is going to make someone else happy and think you are a good girl. You need to connect with yourself on a genuine level. Getting married, having kids, won't solve this. Then you will just be one of those martyr moms that doesn't get why her friends don't want to bend over for. Which you supposedly hate anyways??

Eh...don't cut yourself down! You are smart enough to know to deal with your issue and not put it on her. You are smart enough to have attracted her. I get you are gaga for her, but you bring plenty to the table. You don't want the insecurity creeping in to your time together. That just makes the person feel insecure with you, which isn't what you want.

I wouldn't bring it up. Let it evolve naturally as you both get more intimate. Seems there's body issues on both sides, so getting comfortable with small acts of intimacy working up to full reveal would be a good way to go. There's nothing you can do about this except go in confident and focusing on her comfort and both feeling good as you go. She will either accept you as you are or not. That's why trust is important. If you get to the point where you trust in the kind of person she is, it will be a lot less scary. I wonder if someone else was less than kind in your past.. is that what you meant by issues with sex before?

Sounds like a very good plan.