Batya33

I had the same experience as Bolt described with the shaking. Karma helped - months later I was at a new place- in the reception area momentarily -and he showed up for an interview! He noticed me, realized and I went back to my office and called the person he'd be interviewing with. Never saw him again.

In my experience I didn't realize how much more I could grow as far as thick skin, communication etc especially since when I started in the corporate world in the late 80s/early 90s and with full force in 1994 there was no email or ways of communicating like that so I had to learn how to deal with challenging people through email etc as my career progressed -it's a different skill than meeting face to face or having a phone call. So I defer to you as far as whether you're willing to keep dealing with this. Also know as you do know I'm sure you can accept a job, and then management/the team changes shortly after you start and it's not as pleasant...

I agree -he likely is not dangerous or even potentially abusive in any way based on these sorts of cringey lies and blatant disrespect of you and obnoxious assumptions about women and energy level etc - but know if you introduce him to anyone you care about or work colleagues that he is comfortable justifying lying to suit his own whims or preferences so I'd avoid letting him get too involved in your personal life or with your inner circle. If the sex is good and he can keep up with you and if you've been having fun so far go for it -I'd just proceed with caution because you don't want your loved ones/inner circle or work reputation compromised if he chooses to lie to them in a way that results in inconvenience or worse. I know what he promised but since his lying was prolonged and multilayered he might not lie to you but you don't know how he conducts himself in his life otherwise. I don't think this requires any concept of boundaries -it's plain old common sense of choosing how to avoid people or distance oneself from people who act in an unethical way.

I agree -this is a don't mix business with playing therapist. Also whatever you type can be shown to the company/your bosses and even if your responses are fine why have the hassle of then being called in to "discuss".

I think it depends on what the business venture is, the ethics of it, whether it is legal or not etc. Obviously it's a free country. But I have plenty of women acquaintances who would refer to MLMs as "business ventures" for example -that is true- technically - but I'd question anyone who "supported" by buying into as a salesperson to further the MLM scheme. Same with these websites that don't have to do with personal relationships at all and capitalize on questionable stuff -again it's a free country just not sure I'd use "business venture" or "support" in this way.

Great point. Me, too. And for the OP given her recent past with the ER maybe I wouldn't try this out on this job -but the probationary period might be a great way to compromise. OP I also say this because this is not just a job to you -it's part of your career and your goals of career advancement -if it was just a job or you didn't really need to make a higher salary/grow I likely would say why bother.

I think there's a difference between biases, judgments and preferences and a difference between applying those to dating vs. being acquaintances or colleagues and again a difference if the goal is dating or dating with a goal of something long term. I stuck to my -relatively short -list when looking for eventual marriage and family. I didn't for casual dating and I didn't for the couple of flings/vacation romances I had. In one case that was a huge mistake as the guy wanted to continue beyond the summer (I was a teenager, he was 20 I think). I found him very attractive. When I felt my judgments/biases were not well founded I reevaluated and not just for dating -I like to do that in daily life if I find myself making assumptions. I see assumptions all the time about parenting for example including superficial stuff like clothing. Also depends how long the list is and what's on it and why. I've seen people marry based mostly on attraction and chemistry and discard their list and resulted in disaster because they discarded the list. Because it meant incompatibility in really important ways. And of course often it's a crap shoot! OP hope you're enjoying your dates with him!

Great advice. In the past few years I added a few people from work on FB. With one -if we private message 99% of the time it's about our shared interest- reading fiction and in particular historical fiction. Her FB posts (I never post) are very harmless -her cats, her cute nephew, stuff going on around town -and I comment in kind -if it ever went to a level like you describe I totally would have boundaries. Another work friend -we don't work together and until she left recently- we would talk about work but again nothing that couldn't be published in the newspaper. However we used to have lunch every two months or so and we did have more personal conversations but nothing concerning and we steered clear of any work "gossip". It can be done. And very rewarding. I have several close friends I met at work. Just spoke to one today - I met her in 2000. I originally met my husband at work!

I agree and especially agree - start practicing being assertive in this way. I'm sorry you received an email like that -it's cringey. And as you seem to know -this is about her. Not you. Her issues.

I'm not as convinced but would follow this advice as well. I've worked in toxic environments as well -one I was taken to by my mentor and our team from another company so I really didn't interview. Another I was fresh out of college and he also pressured me to accept -and sign a 5 year contract (long story -not a private company)- I then had to go do my official contract signing at a huge agency with a lot of other people -a stranger looked over at me, saw where I was about to sign up with and told me not to do it -can you imagine?? Of course -well -I didn't listen -a stranger? She or he was right. And call it coincidence but I got very sick the first day of orientation -at the location- and when I got up to leave at the end of the day the boss mocked me "always the new people who leave first" I ended up hospitalized with an infection -only time in my life - and realized what a mistake I'd made - also other employees had come up to me that day to warn me etc. I was able to get out of the contract thank goodness and I never actually worked there. Someone I guess was sort of smiling over me. Maybe hospitalization was sort of a blessing. I did learn my lesson after that as far as vetting places to work (and no internet to look to until much later) I work for and with really good people the last 7 years. We all work very hard. It is a really good place to work and I cannot tell you what a difference it makes. OTOH when I was new and going up the corporate ladder so to speak I worked in very stressful, intense environments with certain people who mistreated me for sure -but it was worth my goal. That's my hesitation with your opportunity here. It's such a tough balance. I no longer need to "climb" etc so it makes that decision easier, I wish you all the best and -congrats on all the offers!

Thanks. The lie plus the justification he gave plus how he lied would have me thrilled to dodge a bullet and move on from the time wasted before he revealed his lack of character, integrity and basic humanity. To me it’s not just a lie. Certainly if she had to interact with him as an acquaintance or in a business situation no real worries there but if I were she I’d avoid any close personal contact from now on. That’s my opinion.

I think it's too much with a man who lies and has told you, basically, you're getting traded in when you're the age he deems cannot keep up with his energy (must take a lot of energy to leave stuff with his DOB lying around). Or heaven forbid you get some illness etc like my friend in her early 40s who is in and out of hospitals with MS and sometimes depression and pain and is right now using a walker -the person with the energy is in her 70s -her MIL moved to where they live some years ago to help with their child. I hope OP you stay extremely healthy in every way -just please don't venture even one step more with a man who is telling you that you're only worth dating if you meet his criteria -but of course you have to give him another chance after this pile of manure lying as Miss Canuck mentioned. No need to scrape the bottom of the barrel OP. I don't think the age gap per se is a dealbreaker. Maybe a factor to consider just like people typically consider such things when they choose who to date.

But he already told her he doesn't want a woman who now is his age so she already knows she'll be traded in given his presumption that younger is -- more "energy". Also assume that if he could be this devious and manipulative in his lying -leaving "hints" imagine what other aspects of his life are affected. Won't you wonder if you're supposed to go on a regular scavenger hunt when he leaves clues around about -I don't know -his infidelity, his shady business dealings, whether he's still employed, and heaven forbid if you ever buy property with him or have your name associated with his? Assume this is his MO -his approach to justifying misleading people and outright lying so long as it makes life more pleasurable for him.

Yes -that appears very unstable on his part.

OP be very very careful in dating this man to stay youthful and energetic and heaven help you if you were to fall ill or be out of sorts from I don't know -menopause etc. Are you in tip top shape? Youthful looking? I mean obviously he's basically told you you'll get traded in for a younger model eventually. Right? (Oh and he's full of it -I am 57, became a mom at 42 -married my husband who was 42 - -and I have overall had much more energy than in my 30s because of positive changes in diet, exercise, hydration etc. I know many women like me. Also didn't you catch him in his lie so what's with the apology for not "telling you sooner" - anyone's guess if he was ever going to tell you.