Batya33

It's not gender related -the actions might differ but there are women and men who seek out this sort of power dynamic to feel superior, or pretend to be helpless or use it to manipulate -I've seen female "friendships" like this. I'm getting a vibe maybe of an attempt to male bash and it's not my cup of tea. Honestly I could have used a bit more pampering by men and women alike when I was noticeably pregnant and working full time and really hard -I took off one day to work from home when I felt really ill and actually had to do a complicated assignment. I had one instance when I was loudly criticized at a UPS store where I went just to get passport photos taken because I was annoyed with a man who let a heavy box drop on my foot and didn't think it was a big deal (obviously can't hurt baby except who wants to start messing with pain meds etc from an injury while pregnant). Another where a maintenance person made fun of me for walking up stairs too slowly (before I was noticeably pregnant but very tired and elevator was broken), and a 2 hour dinner with a female friend who not once asked me just basically "how are you feeling?" But went on about how her life was going (she did not have children -and this shouldn't have mattered -it's common sense to ask your pregnant friend how she's feeling). Obviously, some of this is bad manners but I can say -as the OP seems to be speculating -that it's part of a bigger problem of thinking we're all supposed to feel and act strong and independent, not need others help or protection so it leads to not even asking or expecting someone to suck it up. I would have appreciated more damsel treatment when I had a 10 month old and was entertaining 3 other adults two of whom were related to my baby who watched me make sure the crawling baby wasn't crawling into an unsafe place while making sure everyone had lunch and -oh no worries I'll sit on the floor when I finally get my plate ready since we ran out of seats. Yes a little overprotection in the manner of "no no here let me get you a chair - wait - don't sit yet - do you need a refill on your drink?" And you know what who the heck cares where it's coming from at that point -I'm not going to get into the weeds and question all motives especially if it comes from a bias against the non-fairer gender lol. Why not default to - good manners/common sense and if it comes across as patronizing or self-serving once in awhile -ok cool let it go if it's not that way other times. Sometimes people do this out of a sense of obligation or are in a mood where they do want attention for going the extra mile -you know what -let it go and try to look at the whole picture. And fine if there's a set up that works for a couple where one person acts all helpless so the other person can strut around and be all powerful - fine if it works for them and no abuse, cool. Wouldn't be for me at all but I know for sure it's not some widespread gender-related issue.

It's not gender related -the actions might differ but there are women and men who seek out this sort of power dynamic to feel superior, or pretend to be helpless or use it to manipulate -I've seen female "friendships" like this.

I think you showed your strong interest by using the mall sighting as an excuse to text him so this is not about you being standoffish at this point or "rejecting" him. Your focus on what others think of his looks and popularity is -odd but kind of consistent with a teenage crush or a "fan" of a former celebrity kind of. And also what you looked like - I mean of course you cleaned up nice for a date lol. I would find it really immature that he blamed technology -people who want to get in touch with you will do so -I mean you stopped socializing with your friend to text him just because you saw him at a mall. I think if you want to see him again -sure why not -but it doesn't sound like you do want to know the real him because you have a lot of baggage -understandably -from how flaky he has behaved and my sense is you're not seeing his popularity as an upside other than maybe arm candy -not an upside for a future serious relationship. No harm in having another fun evening with him!

Yes- I vaguely remembered it being some sort of religious reason but wasn't sure. I guess I was partially remembering right. I don't like having my photo taken and don't like being forced to smile either.

All the time is not the standard - it depends what the issue is and how much of the time it is an issue - there's no set in stone "well if my partner isn't nagging me not to get therapy or getting all judgey/controlling about my therapy ALL the time I'll put up with it." I'd judge it by - is this issue outweighing the fun and good times especially since I go to therapy regularly so it's like waiting for the other shoe to drop? I think Boltnrun's analogies to other health-affirming/health-improving activities --and the partner's reactions/support or lack thereof- were right on point.

From what I understand people typically looked serious in photos back then - I forgot the reasons why -

Sounds like fun!

Great decision -what are you going to do today to start making that change? Do you want to be less of a pushover or not at all a pushover?

Has therapy motivated you to choose to make changes?

None of this sounds healthy on her part. She might be educated but seems to me she missed that day in kindergarten when basic manners/playing nicely in the sandbox were taught.

Yes it can result in you making choices to change your behavior. Therapy doesn't cause a change -that's your choice. Is she willing to change her controlling behaviors? Also do you think the changes you've made are beneficial? Have you made changes?

On one of my mom groups on FB someone just posted that her husband turned up the volume on the song Landslide as they drove to get their child at college. How it always makes her cry. Same and I love the song and the release it gives me!

I'm so glad you've listed your accomplishments -they're really something! I'm so sorry you are sad. I would encourage you to call a suicide hotline or similar resource. I hope you feel better.

Yes, I was giving a hypothetical of where it is ok for a partner to intervene if his or her partner seems to be in an unprofessional or unethical situation with a health care provider.

It's tough out there. I dated for 24 years on and off and felt that way at times. Time to switch it up! All that needs to work is you will meet a person -albeit no guarantees -one person who is right for you. Not a perfect person. And if your goal is not to find one right person but to enjoy dating lots of people then that's fine too and that's also hard!