No such thing as closure is there?

[4EverNight]

What is closure, how do you get any kind of closure over someone you thought you were meant to be with? It's not often you really fall in love with someone totally, to feel that they are the world to you, the person you always think of in your waking moments. When it's gone what do you do? I've agonized over this because I don't seem to know what to do anymore. My story is like anyone elses, your in love, things are great and the relationship ends for whatever reasons, it doesn't matter how, it's just over and your left wondering what to do to move on. We hang onto hope though there is no hope to speak of. I've tried dating, getting involved with activities to keep busy, surround myself with friends, etc...but in the end, I find myself still thinking of her and wanting to be with her again. The toughest moments is when I'm not doing anything or about to go to bed when the thoughts begin to creep into my head. I can't keep busy 24/7 so I end up slipping back and think of her. It's almost pathetic. I've kept out of contact with her to ease the pain and it helps sometimes but it still hurts. This has been going on for me for months, you'd think eventually I'd be over it but I'm not. I've dated quite a bit but it doesn't help. I don't want to be with someone else because I may be on a rebound and that's not fair to the other person. Until I get over her, I won't truly be able to care for another person. The word closure has no meaning to me because I don't have it, I don't know what else there is to do. I'm told time heals the pain but how much time do I have to do to get over this pain? I pray for time, the time when I can get over this. Is there such a thing as closure over someone or is it that we resound to do or be with someone else because we have no choice in the matter. I loved then and I love her now and will probably love her always so I ask you...what am I to do?

[Genesis]

Hi,

 

Some say it will take half of the length of the relationhsip to get over the person. So 8 or 9 months with her is about 4-5 months to get over her.

 

I think you get closure when you know that this relationship is not healthy or productive. Love is something that is hard to overcome. Next time around find someone who is not already in a relationship with someone else, so you will not have to go through something like this again.

 

I am sure in about 6 months this girl will be back with you, I do not think her other relationship will last long. If you can wait for six months then I guess she will be all yours. If you can trust this woman( and you know I do not.)

 

Good Luck, I hope the pain will go away soon, the first few months are the hardest & the most painful!

 

Keep your head up and pray

[4EverNight]

Hi again,

 

Seems like your back to rescue me again. Though you may be right about her coming back later on, I doubt it. She's been with him for years and she has admitted it would be extremely diffult to leave. I think it's better she stay with him. Besides, the thought of being the second choice is not too appealing though I knowthat it could be an ego thing. Though I love her, I have to think rationally and know that if we do get together, would I ever be able to trust her. I know that the relationship is not healthy or productive but a part of me doesn't care. I know it was a mistake to see someone who was already involved but my heart took over instead of head, the rational thinking part of me. I don't intend to wait for her because it would kill me slowly. I am still trying to move on, slowly but surely. Thanks for always being there and providing me with your advice and insights, it does help to hear from someone with an objective mind.

[justme3924]

I don't know the details of what you have been through with your relationship but your general perspective of how you are feeling is very clear.

To truly love someone deep down inside but over time and experiences you begin to realize certain critical differences/circumstances continually harmed and eventually broke up the relationship is a very difficult thing to go through. I am going through that now for the 2nd and final time with the woman I have dated & loved for the last four years. But I am beginning to realize things again. How traumatic it really is -- to truly want & love someone deeply and want to be with someone for ever but you just cant seem to get it to work or it just couldn't be? What type of love do they call that ? But its crazy and I have driven myself crazy trying to figure out why. When your heart is saying "but there was so much good too why should we be apart"? I still do it but I have had to try to learn to discipline my brain to the best of my ability to focus on the truth you must discover even though you don't realize its there. The things you cant except are who you are! Example: you say that if she did want to come back later on you would have a hard time trusting and would feel 2nd best. There is nothing wrong with feeling like that. That is who you are. That is the learning process of getting to know you. So I have asked myself that same question 'what is closure'? I looked to her for it for so long but it just hurt more because I realized I couldn't find it within her. So I looked to me and people for advice. To me right now I am trying to find closure through accepting myself as a good person with a big heart who has flaws like everyone else. Who is on journey for something very real and to grow as person always. I am like you - Man – I stay busy. But I always carry her around in the background no matter what I am doing. Frankly, it sucks having that void I can relate 100% too. Nothing seems to fit the bill lately does it? But take this time and develop that faith in yourself again – accept yourself – what you can't accept make strides to change. Develop the boundaries you as a person have and try to live by them. This is very hard to do when matters of the heart take over. But it can be done and I am an early stage work in progress my friend. I have been a bleeding heart on this board with my strife you can look if you wish. I have written some very long and in depth posts pleading for advice. I was in a lot of pain and even though I still am… I am beginning to understand why. Its been a long time for me too I have been going through this for about a year. But I always kept trying, going back to her, talking to her, counseling, keeping the faith alive. But I have been very let down now (like before) but this time I just couldn't allow myself to be unfairly treated anymore. So I am having to just deal and it. It's only been a couple weeks since I had to end what I truly dreamed of and never wanted to end (very confusing dilemma). But this time I had to hold strong to my convictions of why it must be like this. Every so often I read them back (my posts) to re-confirm what I truly know deep down inside. I have never really felt complete without someone to love romantically in my life. I want the dream a beautiful wife and a couple of kids. Everything else sometimes seems like it just what I need to do to survive as a person. What really has always mattered to me was sharing a wonderful bond with a woman I love and a deep understanding. Its what makes me feel content and alive. I have to get over that until the right one happens to come along. So this is something I have learned my asking myself who I am? That is what is really important to me finding someone to love. I accept that I now know that about myself. But understanding that about myself has lead me to realize that I have held on to something that I gave my all to for to long because I wanted it so very very bad. That is where not knowing yourself really limits a person. So the moral of my story is you get to learn about and love yourself. This will bring you closure as you go through the process because when the next opportunity comes along for you and it will -- you will be prepared for what has been given to you. And if it not what you need or not what you can give then either then you will recognize it so that you can continue your journey and find what you can accept and give to a person – she is out there. We are being taught a lesson that when the smoke clears we will be grateful for. I hope I helped because so many here have helped me. Good-luck and get your feelings out. If you need someone to talk to on occasion about this stuff I would be happy to do so.

 

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