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Divorced now and hurting!


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Hi, I am new to this sight and I hope that I can get some advice as well as offer some.

I am freshly Divorced Man of 2 months now. I met my ex-wife on the internet nearly 3 years ago and we married last year. This was an International dating relationship that led to marriage. Talk about a G.U. (Geographical Undesireable). She was from the Orient and man did I fall for her hook line and sinker. We started writing to each other via the e-mails. We wrote to each for nearly 5 months before we decided to meet each other. Her letters became the highlight of my day. I basically fell in love with her e-mails. Weird? I made 3 trips of a lifetime over there during our courtship. I fell in love with her. We decided to become engaged and I had to apply for a K-1 Visa for her. (Fiancee Visa). The process can take from 7-12 months before being approved for her to be allowed entry into the USA. With the 129-F Visa by law you must marry in 90 days on your entry into the US or she would have to leave the US. She arrived here in March and we where finally going to be together. How I loved her. We where very happy together and all my friends thought she was great. She was Miss Personality Plus, full of energy, funny, incredibly charming and very pretty. We basque in all the compliments we received. You guys make a great couple, You got a keeper, You are one lucky man Tony, does she have any sisters? Etc. I would stand back and look on with admiration for my wife. I believed that she was the most precious gift I ever received from God.

After a month or so here in the USA she is offered a part time job. She accepts and I thought this is good for her to do something with her spare time. Plus we always use the money for other things. Her 1st paycheck she receives she informs me that she has a debt to pay back to her family of $7,000+ and must be paid back in a year. I knew nothing of this debt. I thought why in World didn’t she tell me of this debt. I did not ask if she had debt so I thought well you have to live with it know. She was going to pay it back out of her earning she said.

After we married I started to catch her in more lies about her job she said she had, her owning a house, her education backround and so forth. I became concerned with these lies. I did not want to believe she would lie to me. I started to see other quirks in her personality. In the mornings she would take her shower and after it she would just stand there in the nude and smile at herself in the mirror and caress her body. Totally in love with herself. She had her pictures all over the house and sometimes she would pick one of them up and tell me Beautiful Tony Beautiful. I always gave her a positive response.

In the later part of July we have a big disagreement about our finances. She wishes to send money back to her homeland to help one of her sick relatives. I tried to explain to her that all the money I had to spend on bring her here to the US, the money I sent her to study English classes and we had more big Government fees coming up for her Adjustment of Status and she did not save enough money to send as much as she wanted to send. She contributed almost nothing to our household since working the past 3 months. She wanted me to kick in an extra $1,000 to satisy the amount she needed. I said no way. Well she blew up and left and went over to her girlfriends house and spent the night. I go over the next day and get her. I check our bank statement on online and she took out the money she needed to send back to her relative. She had no regard for our finanaces none!

I explained to her that she should have never done this. She said her family needed help. I told her that our family and marriage comes first.

A few days went by and as an afterthought I asked her for the reciept for the money she sent back to her relative. She refused to give it to me. The next morning she packed up and left me. Her and her girlfriend went down and filed a false domestic violence charge against me in order to get the Green Card under the Abuse Statue for Immigrants.

I filed for divorce against her. She hired a Gutter Gopher type attorney to represent her and attack me. I could not believe her Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde routine. I never had anyone like this come into my life before. The trip of a lifetime was turning into the nightmare of my life!

I will continue more on this.

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YIKES!!!! welcome to enotalone.


Man, I am sorry, sounds like she was just using you to get a visa, and your money, and that is it. I know sort of similar things that have happened to others in your situation. Yikes! Hang in there, are all the legal proceedings done?

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We have to appear in a domestic violence court case against my new wife. I could not believe this was happening with her and myself. I ask a few friends to come along with me. They could not believe what was happening either.

Before the court begins her attorney comes up to me thinking I am the attorney representing me. This guy reeks of alcohol at 11:00 AM. I tell him who I am and he tells me that it is un-ethical for him to talk to me w/o my Attorney present. I thought oh boy Tony you are going to be in for one hell of a ride with this guy. This guy still had the residue of silt and gravel from the rock he slithered out from. This guy is a locker room lizard with an attorney's shingle. My attorney meets with this guy. My hope was that this is one big misunderstanding due to our cultural difference and before we go to court we would come to an understanding. It was not. She began testifying against me saying how mean I was. How bad I treated her. That I was drunk and paraded a loaded gun around the house to scare her. She spoke in her native tongue with an court interpreter translating for her. Her Attorney during her brief testimony was talking out loud trying to profile me as a control freak, a loner, abuser of woman and I was a divorce burnout that could not find an American woman any longer and this is why I had to find a gentle naive Asian woman for my doormat. I never harmed my wife in any way or ever threatened her. The court hearing was going to take a lot longer then anticipated the magistrate ask for a continuance and both sides agreed to return in 3 weeks. I am totally numbed by her testimony against me. How can someone lie like this about her husband she said she loved and wanted to be with until death do us part?

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The thing that goes in your favor is that you do not have any prior's. Your record is clean of any speeding tickets, DUI's or any calls in to the police for DV.


Take it from someone who "should" have called the police but didn't. It was very difficult for me to prove DV.... but I did get out of the marriage.


Try to save yourself some money and expedite the divorce asap. She's going to try to go for your $$$$ next. She wasn't married to you long enough to get 50%.


Courts and lawyers are all about $$. They will drag this out if they can for ages. Its a $$ thing. And... truth is stranger than fiction.... believe me, they've heard stories like this before and worse.


Call it a very expensive lesson learned on your part.

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what an awful story. I wouldn't be surprised if she were married to someone else back home. the only thing you can do is make sure you document everything, and try and get witnesses on your behalf. wow, she completely manipulated you and took your for a ride. but I'm sure you didn't see this coming. She had this all planned out...and you were the victim. wow.

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The continuance is a God Send to me. Her initial charges was that I was going to make her sleep out side and I threatened her life. After meeting with her Attorney and being more schooled by him the pistol was magically manufactured and appeared. I never said or did anything like this in my life to anyone.

My Attorney who is a personal friend of mine for 15 years has the backbone of a choclate eclair. He allows himself to be intimidated by her Attorney. He is thinking all the worst that can happen to me. Never ever have a personal friend represent you in a legal matter.

During this 3 week wait I pray to God we can work things out still. I refuse to believe that she was out to hurt me it has to be a misunderstanding.

During this time a guy I know goes over to her Country and sees his wife who is a friend of my wife. When he gets back to the USA he calls me and tells me what he found out about my wife. He was told by people over there that she was a professional hustler, a liar, a cheat, a thief and a 1st class con artist. I was floored when he told me this. He also told me that before I met her she was running a phoney breast cancer scam to get money from people to pay for her supposed medical treatments. After she met me the cancer went away through a miracle diet. She had a new meal ticket now in me.

I also find that she lied on her Federal Visa Documents concerning her employment and we were enaged in the Spring of 2005 and married in May of 06 she was running a Internet personal add on another dating sight during this time. This man also found out through one of her friends that she planned on taking me for as much money as she could and then moving on to a new man and doing the same to him. With in less then two weeks she was living off of a elderly man and exploiting him. My wife then was in her late 40s what is she doing with a 70-80 year old man. MONEY!

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Ich, this is horrible. It is horrible knowing people like that exist. I am so sorry you got taken for a ride. She is clearly very clever and knows how to catch her prey. Once you get over the initial shock and denial, you are going to start feeling angry at yourself and very foolish. That is a natural process to go through. When you start kicking yourself, remember that she scammed a lot of people so don't take it personally. If she can do a breast cancer scam to get money, it shows that this woman is beneath contempt. I hope you can sort this out quickly enough and move on. There are plenty of decent people out there so keep the faith.

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Foire your friend hire a tough attorney. If you an prove her lack of moral character and she has no hard proof, i.e. was the ploice called to your home? were there any police reports involving abuse?

so far its all her word against yours and if she did indeed lied to immigration and you proved that she's in hr way to be deported.

Just get a good lawyer people can't just fabricate things they need evidence.


good luck

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We reconvene for our court hearing. I am really screwed up emotionally. I just heard how bad my wife was and how she just used me to get into our Country. I have fallen into depression I am not thinking clearly. I am having a hard time focusing on what is going on. Before the hearing starts my wife's thug attorney start once again to intimidate my Attorney. My Attorney is all worried that she has a tight frame on me. I did not think so. My attorney is a gutless coward. I paid him to defend me not to surrender with out a fight especially since I was not guilty of anything wrong. Her Attorney starts in on me with his fear tactics. I do not blink an eye. I told him what he was all about and how this is going to backfire on him and her. My attorney pleads with me to be still. Her Attorney now starts to negotiate. We had him. I called his bluff. My Attorney wants to come to a happy ending and get me out of this me and divorce her.

We come to an agreement that we both would divorce on a dissolution of marriage and we would have restraining orders on us with no contact. We agree to this. My Attorney did not know if there was more manufactured evidence on me by her.

We are scheduled to meet the following week for the dissolution. A half hour before the hearing her Attorney came up to my attorney and myself and tells us that he can not get the Green card for my wife through this agreement and he was going to file counter claim charges against my divorce on the grounds of extreme cruelty and mental abuse. He admitted right there that he wanted me to go along with his plan. It was like he thought we where all in this together to commit fraud for her benefit. My attorney and myself could not believe what this fool said. Now we are going to have full blown divorce hearings that could drag on for months. I am out of the woods with the false criminal charge that was levied against me. What is next during this divorce hearings?

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Unfortunately as I stated earlier this will be an expensive lesson learned. Hopefully your friend can cut you a break on attorney fee's in the end.


No... I don't think you should capitulate and cop a plea in order to help her stay in this country. Send this demon spawn back to her own country so she can con one of her own.


Have you educated yourself on immigration law? I had a friend who sent her husband packing to his country, signed paperwork that would prevent him from ever getting an entry visa back into this country as easily.


Your attorney was right when he said to try to remain "stoic" during court proceedings. Appearance is very important. Do not wear any power suits in "black"... wear a non-threatening color... tans, browns, nothing flashy. Keep your cool and keep your temper. Actually if you can rattle her cage prior to getting into the court room and get her to lose it in front of the magistrate it would be helpful.


Did you get bank statements of the money she took out of the bank??? and how much?? have you taken her off your credit cards????? Make sure you shut her down financially so she "can not" gain access to your accounts or get credit cards in your name. Look at your credit card statements for any withdrawls or reckless spending.


If your attorney can portray you as a hopeless romantic who was woo'd accross the internet and preyed on by a master manipulator it would be good.


Your friend who obtained information on her charachter. Too bad he couldn't have obtained something other than hear-say.... something concrete.... signed statements or depositions.


Your attorney does have the right to "DEPOSE" your wife. However this goes both ways. meaning he can arrange to question her prior to a hearing. The line of questioning if he's good at it... can rattle her cage and get her to "say" things she may be careful "NOT" to say in front of a judge. "depositions" are... under oath. And yes can be used in the court of law.


Keep your cool in any case.


I understand that right now this has taken on a "FOCAL" point in your life. You have to remember this is only a small portion of your life. You need to eat. You need to sleep. You need to function. This is not a time to fall appart.... you can't afford losing your job right now. THAT takes precidence. So you do whatever it is you have to do to get through. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. When you leave for work in the morning... LEAVE your problems at home. Pick a tree out in the neighborhood.... FOCUS on that tree. Hang your home problems on that tree... and forget about it.


Listen to music.... I found that HEAVY METAL.. angry music helps me get my angst out and stokes me up for the day. Concentrate on finding music that lifts you. No mamby pamby soft stuff right now. Listen to something that gets the blood moving..... focus.


At lunch... go for a walk. MOVE. Run if you are atheletic. Go to the gym. Again.... get moving. If you need to think of anything then think of getting strong. Think of how the blood coursing through out the body is feeding your body and making it healthier. FOCUS.


Do not think about her. Quit thinking that she's a good person.. that she really didn't mean it.... that she doesn't know what she's doing. This is very real... and she is "NOT" a nice person. Allow no doubt to seep in or nicey nice thoughts. This woman is OUT to get what she can. Its NOT personal... its MONEY. Don't allow your good nature to get the best of you.


Your attorney. He's your friend. He's not a spineless twit. It appears that way. He's emotionally involved is all. Give him a good kick in the pants. He's your pitt bull... get him angry.. get him focus'd as well. He's your attorney.. trust in him. He's in your corner. He's right.... the best you can do is to get out of this as expeditioiusly as possible. Focus on immigration laws... and researching immigration law. Not to many attorney's are well versed in it. You were married under a year.... there has to be recourse.

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If you think that "depression" is seeping in... and you can't fight it by natural means... exercise etc. You might consider going to see your M.D. and ask for something that will help you sleep at night... and a small dosage anti-depressant.. .just to help you FOCUS.


Try to do it by natural means... if you can't and its all overwhelming you then there's no shame in getting a little help in script form. Thats what its there for. Better to be pro-active then find yourself falling into the abyss of depression and having a long way to climb to get out.

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We appear in mediation court to disclose my assets plus all evidence I hope to present in my case. My Daughter and good friend come with me. I see my wife and she approaches us I say hello to her and she does not even speak to me just gives me hateful looks. I walk away from her. She starts to hug my friend and starts crying on his shoulder. She speaks to my daughter and starts telling them how uncaring of a person I am toward her. My friend asked her why she is doing this to our marriage and to me. No Answer from her. He then asked if I ever tried to hurt her. She said I was never mean to her or ever tried to hurt her! She admitted that I never did anything to her!

We go into court and her attorney is asking for 50% of everything I have. The Judge blows up at her demands. The Judge which is a woman tells this guy he is off the page. She beats him all over the room for his stupid demands. This guy looks like he the birdie in a badminton contest. She declares no division of assets. He demands Spousal Support for her for 3 years. He tries to use the affidavit of support I had to sign guaranteeing my support for her. This law is not enforceable by a number of court hearings through out the US. The Judge does not know about this law. My Attorney was told by me about this Affidavit of Support. He did not do his home work as usual . Just take the money and you are on your own

Tony. The judge orders a continuance to support evidence for the affidavit of support 3 months later. The evidence I have is damning to her cause and her eligibility of staying in the USA. Everything from forgery to conspiracy to commit fraud. Plus now I have witnesses to her admitting I never tried to harm her.

After the court hearing she is standing out in the hall. She thinks she has won a great victory against me. She hasn't and she is going to start going down hill from here now.

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We tell my Attorney what my wife said about me never trying to harm her. He just sort of shrugs it off as no big deal. This is my personal friend and attorney with over 20 years of experience as an attorney? I am thinking that I have made one big mistake by using him as my defense attorney. He wants to be Vanilla Ice Cream everyone's favorite. If he blows this spousal support hearing I could be out $30,000 over the next 3 years because his lack of confidence in himself. We are sitting with all this evidence of marriage fraud, forgery, lies and admitting that I never tried to harm her by my wife plus her attorney demonstrated that he has no business in a court room. My Attorney recomends that I pay her off and get rid of her once and for all. I could not believe this submission he wants me to do. He is squandering our stragegic advantage that we have over her. I tell him to forget it.

I feel that my Attorney is not looking out for my best intrests. He did not want me to contact Immigration on this matter until we are through with this divorce.

I contact Immigration (ICE) and tell them what is happening. I give them a complete verbal and written report on the evidence I have on her. I also translated a letter from a friend of hers and they called her by a different name in the e-mail. So she may have a completely different name. I also inform the FBI on this letter. Immigration tells me that the will investigate this and get back with me. Now she is in the radar of ICE and the FBI. My Attorney is starting to get some moxie. He tells her attorney what I did with Immigration and provided them with the evidence we had to disclose to him for our divorce trial.

Her Attorney responds by Supoena me into court on the grounds that I refused to cooporate with him on documents he needed from me and I should be held for contempt of court. This is power play by this man. We show up in court for a motion hearing. My wife did not show up for the motion hearing. Once again the Lady Judge peppers this guy all over the court room. Telling him that he is wasting everyones time with this useless request. She denies the motion of a continaunce contempt charges. We are to be on schedule as planned for the spousal support hearing. He tells my Attorney that for 3 grand he will go away. I tell him personally that he can forget it. See you in court!

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Her attorney notifies my attorney via certified mail that he is going to have an expert witness stating that the Affidavit of support is valid. I look this witness up and she is a freshly graduated law student. Expert? In what? Everything? I tell my attorney to call his bluff and quit playing with this idiot. What is he going to do when we show the judge all the evidence we have on my wife and she breaks down and tells the authorities that her Attorney is the mastermind behind this whole scam. A few days later her attorney wants to go the dissolution route if I pay him a $1,000! We said no money and we go the dissolution route. They agree to with draw the manufactured Extreme Cruelty and Mental Abuse Counter divorce claim against me and no cash assets claims.

When we arrive in court my wife is not there only her Attorney is. The Judge wants to know where she is. The attorney tells her that she is to emotionally distraught to appear. The Judge comes unglued on this parasite. She berates him as an attorney. He tells her that he has complete authority to act on my wife's behalf to a divorce. The Judge looks at this Gutter Gopher with contempt. She grants the divorce No Spousal Support, No Division of Assets nothing except for major emotional destruction.

I believe the real reason he did not want her there was that they thought Immigration and/ or the FBI maybe there to question her or arrest her. They were not.

I never had this kind of experience in my life before with someone. This was the 1st time I was ever in a criminal court room before. I never had someone betray me like this. When I was in the D-V court room I thought back about how her and myself shared some of the most precious wonderful and beautiful moments together. Now this person who promised me that we where going to be together forever was out to destroy me .She did not care if I would be ruined financially or have a criminal record. It did not matter to her all the money I spent in bringing her to the USA and raising her standard of living 5 fold and getting her out of that filthy and polluted city she lived in. I believe that my ex wife is a Narcissist/ Sociopath.

I did not even get to say good bye to my wife. It was like I was never in her life at all.

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Very very sad. I know it must be hard to realize that your life together was a lie. You will bounce back. Just remember, there are a lot of people out there like that. Perhaps it might help to think backwards and review the relationship from the time you met until things got ugly. Were there any incidences and issues, possible red flags, that now in retrospect make sense. Sometimes it helps to review things and see behaviours and actions that we may have noticed but then shoved aside. I think if you go down the road of beating yourself up over this or feeling depressed, it will drag you down and she will have won some kind of victory. The key thing is to think, reflect, learn and grow from the experience...now your eyes are wide open to the sleazy possibilities of people so you can look out for certain behaviours in others the next time around. I know I have learned from my ex, how sleazy people can be. My eyes are wide open now.

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Yes it is very devasating to you when you find out that your entire relationship was based on lies by your partner and you where viewed by this person as a vehicle to obtain an hidden agenda and nothing more. She fooled me because of our cultural differences and language difficulties and she did played on this and so did I. No one wishes to think that they where this foolish or being used. My commitment to her was genuine and my love for her was unconditional.

As far as her draging me down she did do this very well and now I am on the upswing. It is going to take sometime for me to be completely healed. When people divorce there is no winning just degrees of losing.


Right after I received my divorce decree the same week my ex wife approached a friend of mine where he works at and started crying and told him how much she still loves me, how much she misses me, she was very unhappy and lonely without me. My Friend also asked her if I ever tried to hurt her she said no. This is 3rd person she has admitted this to that I never tried to harm her. I guess her game was all about money.

The Old Man she was living with was nowhere to be be seen. I believe that since she did not know how to read English that well she had the Old Man read her divorce decree and found out that she was going to receive nothing from me and he realized he was conned by her. Her Attorney and her most likely told this old fool that I was going to have to pay all her legal fees and spousal support to her for 3 years. They probably talked him into supporting her and her family members back in Asia and financing everything for her on the premise that he would get his money back through the divorce settlement. When he questioned her about this she split or he threw her out. She was needing a new place to land at and soon. We have a no contact order by the courts and she did not try and contact me directly. In a month after her pledge of love for me she was with a new man. My Daughter found out about this and they are going to be married soon. She has zeroed in on victim number 3 now in less then a year upon her arrival here to the US. She is going to try and have this new man marry her to show the US Government that she has an American man to support her and gain the Green Card through another sham marriage. The US Government is not this stupid.

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  • 2 years later...

It has been over 2 years since I posted anything concerning my ex-wife and her con artist evil ways. I found out that she is back in her own country now. What goes around comes around.

I found out that she had another man in the wings at least a month before we married back in 2006. This man is a real winner. If you had this man on your Holiday Greeting card list you would have his mailing address in pencil. A real mover. He has a history of mental hospital stays and domestic violence episodes with his ex-wives, he was arrested for inciting a panic and was introduced to a police SWAT Team. He had to wait over year for his hearing because of his serious mental disorders and was declared to be legally Insane by the courts. The court gave him mercy and set him free so he could attack another person. I became his next victim. It is ironic here that the very man my ex fasley accused me of being is what she re-married, used and lived off of. No decent woman would be with this type of man.

Around 9 months ago my-ex and her placebo husband once again filed false charges on me. They claimed that I was harassing her and she was terrified of me. They asked for a 5 year Civil Protection Order on me. I hired a true professional trial attorney to represent me. My ex and her placebo husband did not have an attorney. She probably drained him of what little money he had. Her husband was totally spaced out. You could tell he was on some type of medication. Most likely Thorazine or Prozac.

After my Attorney started to question her she knew she was heading south real quick. She asked the judge if she could withdraw the charges on me if I promised not to bother her. The judge denied her request. Then she asked the judge since she did not understand English very well that the Judge have me pay her $4,000 dollars as a divorce settlement. My attorney and the Judge laughed her out of court. She staged this phony court hearing to try and get some sort of abuse charge on me to insure her success in gaining a Green Card and her desperate effort to get $4K out of me. She lost again.

When she went for her interview for the Green Card the USCIS said sorry no cigar for you and we want you to leave American Soil. She was quite lucky she was not arrested for fraud, perjury and extortion.

Now she is back where she came from. She is 52 years old with no education, no job skills (other then a street hustler), owing a large sum of money to her family and friends which she will never be able to repay, again facing a life of poverty and 3 failed marriages in which her society will condemn her for.

In a strange way I feel so sorry for her. She is going to have a real rough time now.

When I brought her here to the US she had a chance for a brand new life. She was so charming, with a beautiful smile, a great sense of humor and very pretty. I offered he a second chance at life based on honesty, morals and myself who loved her so much. The old saying is true. "You can take the person out of the Hood but you can't take the Hood out of the person."


May God forgive and protect you.

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Thanks for your update. Sounds like this woman was out for one thing only and that was a Green Card. Well ok two things. Green Card and money.


Consider yourself lucky that you are rid of her. I hope you find happiness with someone who is much more deserving of your affections!

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Tony, I'm sorry to hear about everything you've been through! Unfortunately there are people out there who will use anyone and everyone to get what they need. It sucks to learn this the hard way, but now you will be more careful and aware in your next relationship.


I can relate because I could easily have been in a similar situation. I met someone while working here in Central America, and we married quickly in order to get him a visa. I've done and lost too many LDRs, so I decided I'd rather risk a marriage that wouldn't work out than leave without him, almost certainly ending our relationship. Shortly after we married he totally changed from the good, honest, responsible, devoted guy I'd met. He was hanging out with his (no-good, womanizing, heavy-drinking) childhood friends, lying (mostly about little things, but enough to set me off), hassling me for money, etc etc. The final straw was when he pawned off a computer I'd loaned him in order to get involved in some sketchy business deal / get-rich-quick scheme. I left him 3 months after the wedding, and before we'd filed any of the visa paperwork. Thank God I found this all out before I got him up to the States, where I'd potentially be financially responsible for him.


Speaking of which, how did you get out of the obligation to be financially responsible for her for 5 years? Did her domestic violence claim negate that?

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Hi and thank you for your comments. The 134-A Support form is not enforceable. There have been many cases in the USA that it was thrown out of court. The bottom feeding atttorneys will try and use this on an American for negotiating power to get a quick out of court cash settlement. The thug attorney my ex used tried to use this on me but failed. The I-864 is a lockstep contract. This is only filed for the green card. You are responsible for this person support at the rate of 125% the poverty line. You are on the hook for 40 Quarters (10 Yrs). To have the I-864 contract removed the person must becomes a US Citizen, you or your beneficary dies or the beneficary returns and leaves the USA. This has never been challenged in court of law that I know of. I think a good Immigartion attorney could punch holes in it.

What saved my butt against this predator I had for wife is that I have a near photographic memory and I documented everything that happened with her and myself during the Domestic Violence and Divorce hearings. Times , Dates and Places. Hopefully yo never experience anything like this. The USCIS says there are at least 15,000 cases like this a year involving VAWA to gain the Green Card and they estimate that 87% are fraudulent claims made against the US Citizen but they are too short of man power and funding to investigate everyone. This law should be removed from the books. It gives a con artist and an unethical attorney tremendous leverage on a person.

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