Why does she still contact?

[applejack]

I was with a woman who was many years my senior for 4 years. She dumped me, and the road to recovery was very long.

 

I finally stopped contacting her in after Christmas, and pretty much wrote her off. Things were going very well when she decided to email me to see how things were going. I would have just preferred that she not contact me at all, and when I told her this, she got very angry.

 

This is more of a complaint, I think, than a question. I am so tired of her throwing me a crumb, letting me grab it, then giving me the cold shoulder.

 

Ugh....WHY???

[blender]

Well, it's best to set your own boundaries, and really be able to "let go" of any response the ex may have to your setting self respecting standards for no contact..

 

I think next time she contacts you instead of saying "I prefer you didn't contact me at all".. just simply ask "What are your intentions in contacting me?"

 

This puts the "emotional responsiblity" in her hands, and if she still gets angry at that, then it's a sure sign that she does not know how to re-act to you when you are "confident, self respecting, and finally moving on"..

 

Because you were honest and self respecting when you said, "I prefer you didn't contact me at all"so take her "anger" as a sign that she doesn't like it when she can't just provoke the emotions in you as she used to with just a few crumbs.. never respond to "crumbs" again..if you do respond, then keep it short and just simply respond with a question of: "what are your intentions in contacting me again?" and leave it at that, even if she gives you an explanation.. if it's not one that is respectful, caring, emotional, honest, then do NOT ever reply again...

 

You're healing and she's sensing it, and so many times an ex will contact you just to allevaite some curiosity they have..or some guilt they may have, or just because they want an ego boost, or to find out if you'll still jump at the crumbs..or they are going through thier own rough time and just need some reassurance that "someone" still thinks of them, ugh... either way, you're going to be okay, I don't blame you for saying "I'd prefer you didn't contact me at all" .. it was an honest thing to say.. and take it as a compliment that it angered her.. it's just a clear sign that she likes things HER way, when SHE wants them, and it's most likely always been about HER... and still is.

 

so now do NOT allow yourself to engage in any more banter with her... if she ever contacts you again.. always ask directly: "what are your intentions in contacting me now?" And if you don't like the answer from her, or it doesn't seem sincere, then you just let go.. move on.. but for the most part "no contact" and "no response" will be a good healing idea for you from now on...

 

The best is ahead of you..not behind you..

[mia1207]

From what I've been told on this board and have read lately, and the hardest teacher of all, personal experience, dumpers call to relieve their guilt and stroke their ego. And we should never indulge them by talking to them. Some dumpers may really care and may not quite be able to let go, but if you decide not to respond to their contact it's up to you because you need to regain your power and heal yourself first! Now, that's easier said than done (to ignore their contact attempt) when they call you dread what they are going to say and upset you, and when they don't you think they don't care and forgot about us.

 

From my perspective, I think it's a little of both ego stoke and genuine concern at a ratio of 95/5 %. I You need to get your power back and say to yourself and him "I love myself more and have enough people in my life who love me without having to settle for your crumbs"

 

Good luck!

[Cadence308]

It sounds like she's playing games with you...i.e., stroking her ego. She knows that she's the one who ended the relationship and maybe wants to kind of string you along, letting you have a small flame of hope that some day the two of you can get back together. I think you should just call her on it like you did. Don't let her have all of the control and call and ask you whatever she wants. Make her take some emotional responsibility!

[applejack]

I really appreciate everyone's feedback. You all hit the nail on the head about her personality.

 

I will always love her, but I am not going to allow her to use me anymore for an ego boost.

[l9grl]

Why does she contact you? -- probably simply because she wants to, and hasn't considered how it makes you feel

 

Have you considered changing your email address? I had to do that once when an ex kept stringing me along. She would be silent for weeks, sometimes months at a time, them bam! she'd email or call or show up somewhere...and it was really crazy-making for me!

 

Some people just don't ever really let go. If they think we'll bite, they just keep on fishing to have their needs met. Also, some people are really ambivalent, and never know what they want...it's a push/pull game that they play, sometimes without even meaning to.

 

Is she impulsive? Does she choose to do whatever pops into her head, without thinking it through? Does she 'test the waters' with other people?

[applejack]

Forgive me...but what do you mean by "testing the waters"? I don't know that I would really consider her impulsive.

 

I've had the impression for quite some time, that she is seeing someone else. I've asked her repeatedly about it....when we were still talking, that is. She continuously lied about it. So I decided that it was time to just let it go and get on with my life.

 

She said that she just wanted to know if I was still alive, as she hadn't heard from me in a while. That made me angry. If she "doesn't love me anymore", then just leave me alone.

 

Amazingly, she emailed me after I'd posted a love poem on my blog about her. So I was pretty sure that she'd been peeking. Oh well...who cares?

[l9grl]

what do you mean by "testing the waters"?

 

...basically, 'testing' you to see if you are still interested, based on your reception to her contact, your tone of voice, your actions, your words, etc

 

some people 'test the waters' even if they aren't serious...it can be an ego boost to such people, just knowing that they are still 'wanted' is all they may need

 

Oh well...who cares?

 

you care...that's why you posted this, no?

 

how do you feel about her? are you still interested? look within, and if you want to talk to her, why not call her up and ask to get together? the best way to know what she wants is to meet up and have a face to face conversation

 

let your actions reflect what you truly want

 

...of course, it is possible that she is/was seeing someone else, and maybe that isn't/hasn't worked out

 

...maybe she wants a 'back up plan'...or maybe not

 

only you can decide whether or not you want to risk reconnecting with her

 

life is short...do what feels right for you at this time