Good bye letter to ex-Need your opinion guys.

[reborn]

Hi guys, I don´t know when and if I will actually get the stregnth to do it. But all directions are pointing to this. Deep down I wish he will come back, but I know this is not going to happen most likely.Even though he has acted quite amvibelant, I think he has made it clear and is sure for now at least that he does not want to be with me. Before I take the plunge though, wanted to get your opinion:

 

Dear M,

 

It was nice talking to you the other night. The topic discussed was really interesting. Sorry if it got a bit weird, but I was not alone and din´t want people to understand what I was saying.

How was your stomagh x-rays, hope they came out good.

M. it is very difficult for me to say what I am going to say next. However, after giving it much thought I think it is the most honest, transparent and healthiest thing to do.

I wish I didn´t I have to say this, both because of my womanly pride, and because I do wish very much it was not this way. However….

 

I am still in love with you. I know it is not what you want to hear. And it is not what I want to feel either.

I recognize these feelings, to feel them now, is inappropriate and irrational. They serve no purpose to either one of us but are somehow still there. It is like an addiction and in order for me to recover and to maybe someday give you this friendship that you want, I want to ask you to give me space and not contact me again. Indefenetly.

 

I don´t mean to be a fatalist, but this maybe the last time I ever contact you. I would like to apologize again by overwhelming your personal and emotional space by my overreactions, controlling behaviour, unfounded insecurity and jealousy. Even though we had spoken about this before and I know I am not guilty for the breakup, I do recognize my part of responsibility in it. But the nice thing about life is that even negative things could be worked into something positive. After realizing that this reactions were not really a result of my circumstances but from me, I have embarked on a quest of personal growth. I haven´t changed, people do not changed but I do feel I have grown and evolutionazed. I did not do this for you or for a relationship, I did this for me as I do not want to repeat this negative patters and sabotage how happiness again, and honestly thought I had some improvement to do. However, I want to thank you, as I feel that your your personality as well as the gentleness and patience you treated me with ,even when I made you upset, pin pointed things I needed to work on my self. Thank you. After this experience I can say I feel like a better person and you did have a part in that, wether directly or indirectly.

 

I was very happy with you M. Thank you for the beautiful moments you gave me. The most special thing of our relationship to me is that the most mundane moment or thing was very fun and special—like finding a Euro Cola!!! Remember? Or saying hello, which was always a happy time for me.

 

M. I wish for you the best and you know it. I wish you find happiness and peace, in whatever shape that is for you. I wish you much success in your carreer plans, I have no doubt in mind, as stressed as you could get about, that you will be very successful in what you propose your self to do. Finally, I wish you a lot of happiness and love, that you may find the person you feel is right for you when you are ready, and that this person loves and values you very much.

 

Good bye M.

[street]

spot on i reckon, very moving..send it!

[ukhurt]

Spot on indeed. I don't know the full story, but I was wondering if I could use some of it to my ex who I have been broken up with for 6 months.

 

Send it. If it doesn't move something in him then there is something wrong

[waitinvain]

It's absolutely the right thing to do, and what you need to do to move on. There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever. You have given so much time in your life, and he has had plenty of time to change his mind. Time for him now to smell the coffee and realise you are no longer there dangling on a string for him.

 

6 weeks ago my ex split up with me. She cited her reasons as getting in too deep, too soon, ...moving into a relationship too soon after her long term relationship and also that she wasn't ready for a relationship.

 

Today she told me she is seeing another man. She has seen him 3 times so far and she has moved on. I wish her good luck, but what goes around comes around.

 

I am moving on too. I am worth more than that and I won't be there waiting for her if she changes her mind in future. I have been humiliated enough.

 

This is where the chapter in my life closes and I go on to meet somebody who will truly appreciate me. I deserve that.

 

Reborn, you deserve it too. Devote yourself to somebody that will reciprocate all the love you have to give. Don't move too fast and have faith in the future.

 

Fate has chosen a different path, life and future for me, just as it has you.

 

Acceptance is critical. I have finally accepted it after 6 weeks of sheer torment. I realise I'm better than that and I owe it to myself to forge ahead and enjoy each day.

 

Here's to the future. I have made a pledge to myself that I will never let somebody humiliate or treat me like this again. Nobody is worth that. Nobody should have the power to reduce another human being to almost nothing and then find it acceptable to extend the hand of friendship as they tell you they've disregarded you and met somebody new.

 

Not in a million years !

 

Here is to the future. I am looking forward to it.

 

 

[LuckyDuck]

Hi Reborn,

 

Your thoughts are heart felt. I wish I was able to express my feelings in words as vivid as yours. As I read towards the part where you ask your ex not to contact you, I feel my heart sink a little know that is something I will have to do eventually too. It takes alot of courage knowing you are pouring your heart out one last time to someone you have loved so much. If you do decide to send this to him, I will hope that something within those words with strike a chord of his being and remind him once again the love he had for you and come back in your arms. How long has it been since you last talked to or met your ex?

I have been thinking alot about writing my ex a letter as well. I need to let her know how I truly feel about her. Just have not gotten to the point of letting her go yet I guess. If I do write this letter, I know all the decisions after that will be up to her.

Best of luck to you Reborn, let us know when you sent it.

[Genesis]

DO NOT SEND IT!!

 

If you can life , without ever hearing form him ,again then go ahead and send it, but I think it is not they way to go about it even if not hearing from him is what happens anyway.

 

Will it make you feel any better? I do not think so. You have to make peace with him in your heart that is enough. Why boost his ego by letting him know that you are not over him, and you can not be an adult . I never gave my ex a long letter b/c, this is a personal issue that you have to deal with not him. I once saw a sermon that said even if the woman or man who betrayed you said they were sorry , you still may feel the same way. Forgiveness is something you have to do to move on. If he does not realize that he also made bad choices for the two of you to break up, then that is his problem. I talk to my ex and we both know that living in the past is not going to help us if we are together or apart.

 

A part of being a chirstian is to know when to speak and when not to speak. You can not take back words, they always linger. I do not think you will feel better for giving him this letter. You do not have to write him a letter to tell him to not contact you. Just do not respond to his calls or e-mails, let him know that you need space and that is it. Do not ever tell someone that you are never going to talk to them , or that you do not want them to talk to you. Life is too short to worry about petty things. I had an ex from high school who cheated on me. I called him 2 years later after we broke up, not b/c I wanted him back, but his father showed up at my door step one day. His father never knew where I lived. I thought maybe my ex had died or something ,but he just the had wrong house and was visiting the people next door, and went to the wrong house by mistake.

 

If you tell him to not contact you, you may get what you wished for and you may never hear from him again for the rest of your life. No you may never get him back, but that does not compare to living at odds with someone. You do not want to go to your death bed with regrets of never making peace with someone. My ex from high school we may never see each other again, but I will not have a heavy burden over my head that I created. We still write and e-mail, we are friends , no longer lovers, it takes time to heal, you will get over your ex. If your ex God forbid would die in two weeks, you would not have wanted your letter to be the last memory of you. It is better to at least have the door open for communication, then to not have it open at all due to death or an over emotional letter that you wrote in a sad momment.

 

Just let him go, do not give him the letter, you will regret it. I think the only way you will be happy is if he wants you back. What if you send him the letter and he says ok, I will not call you. Then you will be wondering why he would want to give up on being friends and you never hear from him again. The letter will not make you feel better.Sometimes you have to be confidant in yourself to know that you are stronger and not the only one at fault. If you have to give the letter to him, then you really have not grown. A christian virtue "meekness" is to stand up tall and not feel you have to explain yourself, when others do you wrong. Jesus knew he was the son of God, people did not believe him. He could have , unnailed himself from the cross, to prove his point to unbelievers, but he did not. Jesus knew that saving us from are sins was a bigger duty than to prove himself to people who did not deserve to be bothered with. You have to be the same way, you do not need to prove anything to him! What good is the letter going to be, but to prove you are not over him, and you can not be an adult about it. You can be friends with your ex maybe years from now. My ex and I only write about 2 times a year( Christmas, Birthdays), I would not call us the best of friends, but at least we are civil. We both know that we were important parts of each others lifes and friendship should outweight any relationship. You only have one shoot at life and how you treat other, you do not want to ruin things by saying something that is unnecessary. Moving on is a personal process, not something that he is going to "grant you". What if he says yes I see that you are much stronger person. Yes, you were not the only one at fault for the break up, but I still do not want to date you. You will still feel like crap, in the long run.

[reborn]

Thank you Genesis. You bring up really good points and believe me, I hear ya. Ultimatly the problem is not with my ex, but with me and my inability to let this go. In any case more on that later I will copy paste some of the stuff you wrote and answer it.

 

"DO NOT SEND IT!!"

I haven´t yet, because yes, I am very torn as to what I should do still.

 

"If you can life , without ever hearing form him..."

No. I don´t know if I can live without ever hearing from him. And yes, the letter would most likely achieve that. In a way I want him to see the finality of his decision by me no longer being there even as a friend, cause he has been ambivilant at times. However, if I think of it, he already has made his decision and knows the finality of it. He knew he was giving me up and loosing me. He choose that. Yet somehow I am still around for him whenever he wants to hear from me, and I do sense some confusion, I am sort of trying to convince that part of him, scare it a little, but I guess...it probably won´t make him turn around and come back...he may be bummed out, but his decision is still there. In a way I want to see for him to loose him completely. Sort of me breakup with him...however it is risky, stupid. I am staying friends with him for the wrong reasons, and breaking the friendship in this way mostly to keep my sanity but also to see if he will wakeup and come back. BAD that is just BAD.

 

"Will it make you feel any better? I do not think so."

Me neither Genesis.

 

"You have to make peace with him in your heart that is enough."

He didn´t betray me or do anything terribly wrong. He just decided to leave me and run and not want a relationship with me. I guess I haven´t fogiven him for that no. Since nothing bad happened it is harder to find that anger acceptable within you, but I guess I will have to rise above it and be a greater woman than that. Part of me also has a hard time dealing with the fact that he rejected me yet somehow stil will call me out of the blue a few times just to say hi-- I can´t help but like it and be friendly back cause I still have feelings for him, yet I resent him for what he did and feel angry that I cannot control my self enough not to think and want that something can come out of these contacts in the long run. I not him is putting me through this, yet I am either not healthy enough, or maybe humble enough, or mature enough, or strong enough to surpass my feelings to accept this. Maybe I have the capacity to and want to but maybe I am just not ready yet. Its a messed up situation.

 

"Why boost his ego by letting him know that you are not over him, and you can not be an adult ." True. True. Points to consider. It is a matter of pride though but true.

 

"...this is a personal issue that you have to deal with not him."

This is also a very healthy way of looking at the situation. I don´t know if I am a place where I can do that. But it is certainly a goal to work towards, thanks Genesis.

 

"Forgiveness is something you have to do to move on. If he does not realize that he also made bad choices for the two of you to break up, then that is his problem." I do have to forgive us both. Me for causing most of the fault in the breakup--because it is so, but also him for letting us go, for his part too, which smaller but still there. I have to work on this. I don´t know how though Genesis...how do you forgive yourself, how do you forgive yourself for causing a relationship you wanted to be in to end, and another for not wanting to be with you ultimately...how do you forgive this, do you think I need time? How do I do this Genesis?

 

 

"I do not think you will feel better for giving him this letter."

I am not sure either. However, I do think is the healthiest in a way because it will force me to let go. His contacting me still is too easy for me to distort into a mixed message. I still don´t have the stregnth to walk away or not want to be with him deep down--i do not persue him but I wouldn´t turn him down if he wanted back ( I would take the cautious approach you are taking with your ex though).

 

"You do not have to write him a letter to tell him to not contact you. Just do not respond to his calls or e-mails, let him know that you need space and that is it."

True. And also healthy-- I am trying to do the healthy thing. To be act in ways that are emotionally honest, which means that tend to the fact that I still have feelings for him. Honest thing will be not to be in a friendship right now as it gives fuel to my feelings. However this is also an option, that goes within the limit of health. I just want to give him the responsability of doing it you know, I don´t want to have to block him or stop me from answering his calls.... it is too tempting for me to stay connected and don´t trust my self to really do go through with it. However, if I tell him not to contact me anymore I don´t ever have to worry about it again.

 

 

 

 

"If you tell him to not contact you, you may get what you wished for and you may never hear from him again for the rest of your life. No you may never get him back, but that does not compare to living at odds with someone. You do not want to go to your death bed with regrets of never making peace with someone." I don´t see it so drastically, but I know it is. The letter was meant to achieve 2 things: to give me the space of not hearing from him or having to worry about it, cause I don´t trust me to block him. 2. To have a break from him until I am ready to be his friend if ever. but as you said, I don´t have to send such a long letter to do this. Or tell him I still love him. Obviously if I need space, I am not comfortable with his precesense in my life and this way I will also be the letting him know i am no longer around. You are right Genesis.

 

 

 

 

Just let him go, do not give him the letter, you will regret it.

Yes, what I have to do is let him go. The emotionally healthy thing to do boils down to that. I must let him go. If I had done that or was able to do, the letter would not be an issue. In other words, this letter is not necessary for me to the right thing for my self. Thanks Genesis. I don´t know if I may regret it cause it is true for this moment, however I totally might and it is putting a wall between me and this person. He lives 3 hours away, but if I ever bump into him it will be bizarre with the letter issue wouldn´t it. I could handle the situation gracefully if I don´t send the letter and choose to be cold or ignore him if that is what I feel best.

Letting go, in my heart, that is the healthy thing to do. It is what I must do. For me. No explanation.

 

I think the only way you will be happy is if he wants you back.

Yes it is. I will eventuallyl get over it, because, time and life will just keeping pushing me in that direction even if I refuse to let go. However, him wanting me back would is the only thing that will make me happy in regards to this specific issue yes.

 

 

"What if you send him the letter and he says ok, I will not call you. Then you will be wondering why he would want to give up on being friends and you never hear from him again. "

I wouldn´t I would know is because he is not willing to just give me the space I ask for even if it means not hearing from me again as he is not willing to be with me romantically. I guess I do want to him to feel that with his decision to breakup he lost me. He hasn´t, and tht is my fault as I allow him to call me and have a fun chat with me whenever he wants. I find it impossible to be mean but oh well...got to let go.

 

"The letter will not make you feel better"

No it won´t I kepted crying just thinking of how final it was and that I dídn´t have the strenght to through with it. I do feel somehow is a way of keeping me away from harms away as I cannot resist his phone calls and find hope in them even though I know right now he does not want to be with me (which by the way makes me feel like a looney tune however, this is the only forum in the world where there are others in the same mind trap). However, I do feel rushed and anything extreme is bout to bring this horrible "did I do the right thing?" feeling....like putting a dog to sleep. That is how I feel it. but I must just kill the hope inside me. This is my own issue, not his, as you have so wisely pointed out.

 

 

"Sometimes you have to be confidant in yourself to know that you are stronger and not the only one at fault."

This is an extremely empowering statement Genesis, thank you. I think this can be the cornerstone I will use to have the emotional peace and stregnth to really start moving on.

 

"A christian virtue "meekness" is to stand up tall and not feel you have to explain yourself, when others do you wrong. Jesus knew he was the son of God, people did not believe him. He could have , unnailed himself from the cross, to prove his point to unbelievers, but he did not. Jesus knew that saving us from are sins was a bigger duty than to prove himself to people who did not deserve to be bothered with. You have to be the same way, you do not need to prove anything to him! What good is the letter going to be, but to prove you are not over him, and you can not be an adult about it."

Amen. That is one strong case you make Genesis. Regardless of the religious context, that some that may read this may not id with, but my that is one empowering and true statement...self control, confidence and strength to gracefully accept things as they are not as I want them to be. That is growth. You are very right, Genesis.

 

 

 

"You can be friends with your ex maybe years from now." I can´t deal with the friendship now. Even the frienship with the ex in a few years feels like an obsene thought right now... hopefully in a few years I would not care about him to care wether or not he is a friend. (My I am more hurt, childish than I would like to be about this). It is either take all or me or none of me. The in between (friendship) is something I cannot yet accept, and handle, and brings up lots of contradictory feelings in me ranging from bruised pride to a lingering hope I can´t completely shake off.

 

. Moving on is a personal process, not something that he is going to "grant you".

Truth has been spoken. Again a very empowering statement I hope anyone reading this in my situation can apply. This is takes a lot of maturity and personal stregnth to achieve. And it is far healthier to take power of your own internal process than to give the power over it to someone else to do. You are very right Genesis.

 

More than a clousere the letter thing for me is also a way of punishing him. Telling him, you rejected me? Well, then no, you can´t be my friend. I can also kick you out of my life forever.

 

Immature i know, but tell that to my heart and ego? However, I will tell you that I am probably not sending this letter and all because of your posting. There are many things in it that I will really ponder on and do. I feel more in control and empowered and confident and healthy with the alternative you have given me. I can still call the shots by not answering his calls, if calling the shots is what I want. Thanks again Genesis.

 

Finally, I just want to clarify why I seem very keen on doing the emotionally healthy thing. Thing is this letter was the idea of my councelor. He agrees with the ambivilance of my ex´s behavious, and is phone calls as an indication of him slowly coming back into my life. This may or may not happen. However, all things seem to indicate he is still holding on somehow and wanting somthing from me still. However, there he is not emotioanlly available at the moment, and until he says he wants me he does not.

Meanwhile even though I do not persue him and try to move on inside I am still in love with him. He said this is unhealthy as I want to be with someone who does not want to be with me. And just answering the phone calls and going along with it while wanting this is not emotionally honest or healthy and totally codependant.

He suggested I write the letter as the healthiest thing. I see all his points, but find it impossible to bring my self to do the healthy thing. Oh well.... this is probably the longest posting at enotalone and probably the longest I have written.

However i did feel the need to vent, and this is the only place in the planet where I can vent all my ideas fully knowing I am coming off as a total nutcase.

Good thing is I take things slowly and look at all sides of things before I decide how to proceed. Now I am pondering and researching and listening to the irrational feelings and motives. Next will be my rational parts turn.

Thank you Genesis for making my rational part argument stronger.

[Genesis]

I read on many break up sites that it is healthy to Write "Thw break up " letters, but most site do not recomend SENDING the letter.

 

You have to do what is best for you. For me I know that I would stress about his reactions to the letter, and him never wanting to talk to me again. I would hate for the relationship to end that way.

 

People loose touch sometimes, that is how I want it to be. I just want to loose touch with my ex and that be it. I do not want to have to say, hey do ever call me again. that is just me. I feel like I can achieve the same goal by just not picking up my phone. He will get the idea, and thereforeeeee you giving him the break up you wanted. If he does not know you hurt him then he is very dumb. My step mother tells me, never give someone the satifaction of letting them know that you are not over them.