DAMN! She is holding all the cards.

[LuckyDuck]

Hi everyone,

I have not been here for awhile. Been trying to cope with the breakup myself but with no success. Reading your posts and replies are the only sources that have given me comfort. Once again I am in need of your help and advice.

 

The short version is my ex-girlfriend broke up with me four months ago to go back with her ex-boyfriend who is currently treating her very well. She is still calling me every night before she goes to bed. We have been talking for 1 1/2 months now. Two weeks ago when I ask her if she loves him, she says no. Now when I ask her, she says she is starting to love him a little. "If he treats me well like this, I guess I will love him". I said "so you are all set with him then". She says "I guess so, I don't know, we'll see". I can see things are getting better for them and she is starting to have stronger feelings for him. I ask her why does she still want to talk to me, she replied "because I like and feel comfortable talking with you." "I prefer to talk to you but if talking to me is making things difficult for you, then maybe shouldn't." She knows I want to talk to her. I want to so much to be supportive but don't know how I can cope with it if one night she does not call. I will think she has gone the next step of getting closer to him and stay at his place. Even as I type, I am waiting for her to call me. It is about 11:00PM here.

 

Some of your suggestions in the previous posts included:

1. Just cut contact with her completely: If I do, she might think I am mad at her, and she will just let go and move on.

2. Be supportive but do not take all her calls: She knows I always pick up at night. If I don't, she will start to realize I am trying to ignore her and will stop completely.

3. Tell her that I need time alone for awhile, I can talk to her in the future just not now: If do that, she will know that I am hurting and may not want to call me again.

4. Act happy and confident: If she sees that she knows I am getting better and concentrate more on him.

 

I feel like whatever choice I make, she will be ok with it.

You guys probably think I am going crazy and I think I am too.

Where am I going wrong? I love this girl and would like to get her back but how?

thank you for listening.

[gettinthroughit]

Mate you've GOT to get her out of your life!!

think of it this way...right now she's got everything she wants,

She's got a boyfriend who (probably) loves her and is treating her good and stuff and she's also got you on a string in case things turn sour with him.

 

do you want to be someone's fall back plan or someones boyfriend and lover?

because if you stay doing things the way you are you will always be the former and never the latter.

 

you need to break off with her, say to her that this isn't right, she's getting everything she could possibly want and you are getting nothing.

 

Until you get her out of your life then there will be no room in your life for that one who will love and adore you....

do you want to be adored? or are you happy being a puppet on a string?

 

sorry for being so blunt but I've been there dude...learn from my mistakes...no-one should ever have to go through what you're goin through but you CAN take back CONTROL!!!!

 

A

[LuckyDuck]

j-boe

what helped you get pass the stage where I am at right now cause I don't have a good method to get through this. I know I am feeling sorry for myself and keep wishing she could see what she is doing to me. I hate myself for that.

[dfcannon]

It's a tough situation to be in...almost any guy has been through this kind of thing...where the girl has broken up and still has some control over you.

 

Here's a general suggestion, which really goes for coping with ANY kinds of loss or setback: get busy doing something else. Maybe get hooked on a T.V. show that's on during the time she calls. A hobby. Surf the web. Something that captures your attention and gets your mind off her. Also, anyone would tell you that the best cure is to meet someone new, and get your attention focused on her. Why not go to some kind of singles club/bar when you're stewing over her calling? Just get out...don't sit there by the phone listening to the clock tick. That'll drive ya nuts.

 

Don't think it's a crazy idea to unplug your phone, or turn off the ringer, or change your number, if you need to go to that length to force her out of your life. Whatever it takes, do it. She has you on her string as a "backup," I agree with the other poster about that. Don't let her do it. Dump HER now, and you can be "friends" later if you want, when you're dating someone new.

[bzborow1]

LuckyDuck,

 

Sorry to hear you're having trouble getting past an ex girlfriend, but I guess that's how most of us ended up here to begin with.

 

I think you should analyze you're own words. I read your post and what struck me was that most of it you were referring to her, her feelings, her needs, her wants, her life. I think you should start thinking about yourself here! Is her calling like this helping you? Or making it worse? Perhaps next time she calls you should just tell her you're busy and you'll talk later, or just not pick up all the time. But the bottom line here, YOU need to start looking out for number one, YOU. Remember, she's got a boyfriend so she's only looking out for herself.

 

Now for my not so professional oppinion on how to deal with her. I think you need to call her bluff on this one. I'm assuming you still have feelings for her, so the first thing you gotta do is stop being Mr. Dependable to her. Women love a challenge, and by you letting her talk to you daily whenever SHE wants you're not doing that. Most importantly, don't ever take her threats, the threats being telling you "if it hurts you i guess we shouldn't talk". She's using that because she knows you care, and that's very mean and selfish.

 

You don't have to be mean, just "busy". Look out for yourself and quit worrying about her. You two have split up, and by her dating again she's okay with moving on, so you should be too. Just let her go, quit being Mr.Dependable, and enjoy the single life for a bit.

 

That's my two cents.

 

Bill

[netman]

LuckyDuck, like others have stated everyone goes through this kind of situation at least once in their life. It hurst like hell, I know...

 

For me, the best way to get over someone is to spend time with someone else. It seems that you're not interested in dating someone else because you're still stuck on that girl, but you HAVE to go out and start seeing other people. Keeping hope alive probably gets you through the day, but she is definitely stringing you along and you're letting it happen. It seems like you don't want to stop her from calling you, but you'll never move on as long as you guys still conversate. Be happy for her that she's with someone that's making her happy, now be strong and move on. You can get through this. You seem like a great person, so I don't see you having any problem meeting someone else.. I also agree with bzborow's post 100%

 

If you don't want to go cold turkey, just slowly start telling her that you're sleeping or you're busy when she calls. Don't just ignore her calls, just slowly give her simple excuses. Maybe then she'll get the hint and decrease the calls altogether. And once you decrease the contact and you start moving on and seeing other people, you're going to find yourself a happier person and you're going to look back at this situation as a learning experience.

 

Good luck!!

[reborn]

Hi Lucky Duck,

Everyone has given you great advice here. So there is really little I can add. I am in a bit of a similar situation and struggling with something similar to you. For the past 2 1/2 weeks my ex has been calling me an average of 2-3 times a week. This has been after being broken up for 5 months. Before he would just send me and email once a month. I am here wondering what it all means. And our conversations are much like you say, the same conection is there and I feel it really hard to let go even if part of me feels, I really, really have to. This guy is not dating someone else that I know of, however he very strongly expressed he was not in love with me and that he was not interested in a romantic relationship at this time in his life. Of course, when someone tells you that, many people would just say that what it really means- they don´t want a romantic relationship with YOU. In any case, my ex is living 3 hours away, and he will eventually start dating, liking someone. I don´t think I can handle this crap.

In any case, I am afraid my ex feels like your ex, just really comfortable and happy to talk to me. He also calls around the same time 10:30-11pm...so don´t worry, you are not the only one doing this looser routine of checking out the clock and phone around this time waiting for ex to call.

When you listed all the options you have available and how none are acceptable and why I identified 100%. But you know what Lucky Duck, something came to my mind as I was reading your posting and it is what we both must accept: WE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER OUR EX´S.

It seems that we are totally frozen, not taking any move, pondering all of our posible options and figuring out what their reaction will be. If we tell them, we can´t deal with the contact- they will probably not call us anymore. If we just stop answering--they will get the message and stop. If we keep on--as they get more over us, or more into another they may stop calling us. We seem to be calculating our moves based on the impact it will have on them, based on the reaction it will bring out of them. but guess what? well we do know it deep down don´t we CAN´T CONTROL THESE PEOPLE.

I just realize this more and more. My ex put me in this sitution. Now he wants to be friends-- He pushed away and hurt a part of me yet wants another part of me inconditionally in his life. Well, it doesn´t work that way does it? We are not parts but a whole human being. You cannot just erase a leg of a person and expect them to walk! WEll no. Because even though we are hopping here, we know we are hurting and we can´t keep up.

It is hard Lucky, but there is only one way to deal with it. We have to take a deep breath and do it. Realize and remember you are not where you are (out of their lives) because is what you chose. She chose that. She moved your total being there. You cannot cut yourself in half in her life and the other half out--you can´t. So she must accept the concequences of what she did, and so must you I am afraid.

At the end even by keeping around as a friend to them, it don´t guarantee nothing. They seem to really be ok with just being friends with the one they dumped. And if they did it to you when you were something more than friends, imagine how much easier it will be for them to cut you out of their life again when all you are is friends.

this is really risky lucky, but you must do it. You must take control now. Cut the tides for you. LIke some posters wisely said. Think of you. That is what I must do as well.

I have proposed to my self that next time my ex calls I won´t answer. Even if I must cut off my fingers, I won´t grab that call. Let him suffer a bit. I see guys here and girls here too regretting ever dumping someone. But it doesn´t seem that the someone they are crying over is as available to them as we are being now to our ex´s. I am sorry, but we have been humilated and rejected. You have been left for another. I highly doubt that even though you love this person and went back together it will be the same. She hurt you. Part of you, wether you want to feel it or not, can´t help but not trust her and reject here.Even if you are too blind in your grief to see this.

I got a little passed the most intense grieving though I am not completely over my ex by far. And I can tell you, if he was to ask me back I couldn´t be the same as I was before. I have been hurt and rejected. My heart can´t trust him the same, neither can yours. It hurts to walk away still. But there are no short cuts Lucky Duck.

Remember she put you out of her life. Until she makes a huge effort to bring you back you are still out. That was her choice. Friendship does not bring you back. You are still out, unfortunately and so am I. So lets stop fooling our selfs and fooling with our lives.

Don´t answer that call next time she calls. I will be supporting you by doing the same. 11pm we have a date: TO BE STRONG!

-Reborn

[OrthodoxSDA]

Hey,

It seems to me that she still cares if she keeps on calling you every night. I personally believe that once a girl has found the right guy (her new bf in this case) she woundn't need to call any of her ex's anymore, because she would have everything she needs in her new bf. But obviously, something is missing from her relationship since she still calls you. She might be dating him to get a reaction out of you (i might be wrong...)i don't know what to say, this is very complicated. She might want to see if you really care about her or not...so the worst thing you can do is act all happy as if you're ok and don't care. I suggest telling her how you really feel.

Something similar has happened to me, my bf and I decided to break up last year, and a few months after that i met a guy that my family wanted me to date and started talking to him just so that i would forget about my ex. I kept on calling him (my ex) though, because he was the only one on my mind, even though i was with this other guy. It all sounds very screwed up, but life is weird and sometimes hard to understand.

Talking to my ex has helped me realize that he is what I want, and that he has something that i will never find in any other guy. Sometimes it's important to date others just so that you can appreciate the person you love even more. I'm not saying it's right, but this might be the case for you too, maybe your ex is trying to take some time off and see how other guys are, but who knows, maybe in the end she'll come back to you.

I don't know if this helps, but i know this is very hard for you...in my relationship with my bf, the only thing i regret doing is that i dated this other guy that i met through my parents, because i know I hurt him and his trust in me. I wish you the best of luck!

[LuckyDuck]

To those I did not get to thank personally, thank you bzborow1, netman, reborn, and Orthodox&SDA for your support and understand.

 

I would like to share with you on the current situation. A good female friend of mine (like a sister to me) from Washington called and asked me to pick her up from the airport on Wednesday. I told my ex that. My ex's work place was near the airport, so I stopped by and had lunch with my ex first then went to pick up my friend. During the drive my ex called asking me if I got home yet. I told her I was still driving my friend home. She told me she called b/c she forgot how to setup the word document and wanted to ask me for help. My ex said she will talk to me later. My friend and I went to see a movie together and got out at 7:30PM. An emergency came up and my friend needed to get to he sister, so I offered to drive her up there, an hour drive. About 9:30, my ex called again and said she tried to call me several times and I didn't pick up. I said I was in the movie theatre. She asked if I went to see it alone with just her and I said yes. My ex started acting up, "oohh and how was it?" I say the movie was funny and she said "no, the company?" I did not say anything. I told my ex that her mom asked me to stay over there place since it was late. My ex got mad saying "where are you sleeping, in her room with her hah?" I told he I am going home later and that I'll talk to her if I can. I called my ex two hours later to tell to go to bed cause I will come home late and she said ok. I asked what she was doing. She was listening to slow music. All of a sudden she read a sentence to me. I asked "what was that"? She read it again and then I realized she was reading a Valentine's card I gave to her last year. I said she should get some sleep and we got off. 30 mins later she called asking if I can help her with a math problem that her brother is having. After, she asked if I could talk and I said sure but the signal was getting bad so she said she would talk to me tomorrow.

I am now at another level of confused. She has never acted like this since we broke up. This is the first time I have seen a dent in her armor. I don't know what to do. I know she likes to play games and be in control while I tell it like it is and express my feelings to her. I hate playing games.

Should I just confront her and ask what happened last night or should I just not say anything at all and just let take the initiative to mention it? I wish I could do something more to make her start expressing her feelings back. For the first time in awhile that I was able to get a good rest last night. But I am more confused than ever.

What would you think my next step should be? I am not very good at mind games at all.

Thank you for listening

[reborn]

Hi Lucky,

Well....ex´s are confusing. If I were you I would hold off your hopes there. Not to be negative or anything, but just because it may be a come here go away thing, like a control thing.

Like she doesn´t want to be with you, yet she doesn´t want someone else to have you.

What she expressed, no doubts will put your hopes up, it would put my hopes us too. However, the real test is to see how genuine her feelings are. It may just be plain old jealousy, and when it came right down to it she not be willing to make a commitment to you or go back with you. It may just be an ego thing, Lucky. Protect your feelings. Try not to get too enthusiastic about this until further notice. Still, as far you know she is with someone else still.

If I were you I wouldn´t bring up last night. You have no reason to give her any explanations.You didn´t do anything wrong. She wasn´t so sure of you anymore, you were no longer acting like her lapdog (sorry if I sound mean, but that is how our ex´s seem to treat us at times) and she got all bent out of shape about it. Obviously she has a hard time with you belonging to someone else, however you when you have been there for her uncondinationally and totally available she doesn´t seem to want you so badly....beware. Don´t mean to pop your bubble but don´t jump at the bone she is throwing you right away, wait it out and see.

You have the upper hand now. Sorry, but it is a game. We like to be all sincere and all, but we notice that by intentionally or unintentionally playing games we get better results, most of the time anyway. So, I was saying you have the upper hand now. If I was you I would be slightly ambigious about it all. Do not mislead her, but however don´t give her all the details. Leave some stuff out. And if you really want to drive her really nuts don´t answer her phone call today. If she calls again answer it.

Again, I think you are 2 head over heals with this person and may not have the strength to do it. However, if I were you 1. not bring it up 2.be a bit vague about it. I think this is not foul play and will keep you desirable in her eyes.

Good luck lucky, glad this twist of fate has happened to you. My situation is same old, same old. Still kind of bothered by ex. To everyone it does seem like a friendship thing. Meanwhile my heart is upset and hurting. But hey, trying to get stronger, healthier and better about it. I am still supporting you Lucky. Good luck to you.

-Reborn

[LuckyDuck]

Hey Reborn-

 

You mentioned on jumping on the bone that she may throw at me and I have the upper hand now. Well, today I was wondering how she was so I just surprised her at work and told her to come out and have lunch with me. She happily agreed. She brought her lunch to share with me also. We ate in my car under some tree shades. She was touching me (places that she should not be touching) and biting my arm and looking at me smiling. I did not mention anything about last night and she did ask me a little about it but did not seem to be bothered by it all. We ate in the car. She had a few minutes left in the car so we sat and talked about what I did up there. She just leaned over and started touching me and biting me again and said that she can see me this Saturday morning. Keep in mind that she has gotten back with her ex boyfriend and she still wants to see me when he is at work. Then she told me she will tell him that she is hanging out with a girlfriend. This is the same girl that two weeks when I ask if I can see her would say "why do you want to see me if it is not going to get us anywhere?". Funny how feelings can change huh? Yes, Reborn, I am being very careful about this and not having any hopes. But why do you think about her wanting to see me Saturday?

Reborn, I too understand how it feels when everybody else around thinks you and your ex are just friends and you have to hide those hurt inside. I did not get to tell you how much impact you had on me when you posted your message. It felt like you read my mind and felt my heart. Those feelings and emotions that I wanted to get out were expressed through your words. You are right, we do have a date tonight at 11PM. I will try not looking at the clock waiting for her to call. I don't think I am strong enough yet to not answer but I know I will get stronger. We will be ok

[LuckyDuck]

Hi everyone,

 

It is about 11:25PM and she has not called. I had a feeling she would not call tonight after the incident yesterday when I picked up my friend from the airport. It is so hard for me not to pick up the phone and call her. I know she is not calling me tonight. I hate playing these mind games. She's good. I just want to call and say what's on my mind and tell her to tell me what she wants.

[reborn]

Hi LuckyD,

First of all, thank you so much for your kind words. Glad you find my posting helpful. I am glad you are being very strong Lucky and not calling her even though you feel you want to.

Right now you must realize you are in a highly vulnerable and emotional state and very much sucked in by the "vortex of the ex." It is like your emotions r under the spell and pull of a black hole. Don´t let your self be sucked in just yet!!!!!!!! I

t is not something against your ex, we don´t have anything against this girl. This is just for your own sense of sanity and so for you act catious and not end up jumping head first into the pool and find there is not water and you crush your heart again. You need to take care of you, and proceed in a way that is emotionally balanced and respectufl to your heart.

 

Imagine the following, (because it may exactly be what your situation is now). You are a fly now and your ex that very attractive blue light. You are like in a hipnotized state now. So irresistably drawn to that blue light-- but be careful! don´t get electrokuted!!!!!

 

It may be an exageration. The blue light (your ex) may be just a nice blue light bulb, but maybe not--remember we are in ex´s territory and dealing with ex--higly volatile beings that change their feelings of wanting us out or in their life DRASTICALLY from one day or one week to another.This may sound like a game, but your feelings are at stake, because they are not volatile, they are sincere, and they are strong for her. And they are now line and could get totally crushed if she totally withdraws.

She is acting highly amvibelant, and still with another. So, try not to be led by your feelings lucky. Try to observe things first. Hard as it is do not be led by your feelings now. You are still at risk of getting fried man. She could have acted lovely dovy yesterday and to you it means she want to be with you, but what garantee do you have that this is how she would act tomorrow? or that in a week she will still feel like this? She is still with another lucky, now you are the lover!!!! Realize this, you are still in a totally unstable sitution with this chick. (your a duck she is a chick lol- sorry being totally silly here).

Not being lead by your feelings means this: First realize the risk of the situation. YOU do have feelings I am not saying be insensere to them, just don´t be wise:

1.DO NOT CALL HER, IF SHE HAS BEEN THE ONE CALLING YOU AT THE WHOLE TIME. TRANSLATION: DO NOT START PERSUING HER NOW THAT SHE THREW YOU A BONE. I think if you should follow HER initiavite. This severs 2 purposes: 1. you do not preassure her at all--which could totally backfire if she is not sure, and that is how she has been acting up to now. 2. you don´t put your self on the line out there once more and get being rejected, pushed away. 3. you keep things balanced by simply being responsive. Sorry LUcky, it would be great to say you have a green light to persue, but reality is reality she still controls the cards, not only that most importantly if she wants you SHE MUST DO THE WORK.

2. DO NOT ASK HER HOW SHE FEELS JUST YET-- from all my personal experiences and in most of the cases I read here when ex´s are in that highly amvibelent state it is detrimental not helpful when you make them say things in words. BESIDES HER WORDS AND HER ACTIONS HAVE BEEN TOTALLY CONTRADICTORY UP TO NOW--I mean she says she doens´t want you yet still call you everyday, said she didnt´want you back yet acted totally jealous over the other girl!!! WHAT GOOD WOULD HER WORDS REALLY DO???!!!! Think about it Lucky, you must be very, very smart about this now.

Hold your self, I know words are reassuring, but they really serve little purpose here. Let her actions speak, listen to that. ACTIONS ARE A CLEARER INDICATION OF HER EMOTIONS. IF YOU ASK HER TO TELL YOU (WORDS) HOW SHE FEELS AND WHERE YOU STAND, THEN SHE WILL BE REACHING TO HER THOUGHTS, RATIONAL PART. I think if she starts thinking she may start rationalizing her emotions.

Real test will be to see if her emotions are volatile or start to be stable. Only time can tell you this. It will take lots of strength to put up with it though. It will be a crappy time for you, and emotionally hard. However, only you know if this girl is worth it or not to go threw this. You must see all this as a testing period. And remember lucky there are no garantees or anything sure at this point. And the golden rule: NO preassure.

 

Now is time to be smart, and patient. Ok Lucky final thing I have to say is, this is just my opinion and how I see the whole situation. I am not telling you what to do and how to do things. Only you know what is best for you. Follow your gut. But when we are in highly emotional situation what feels to us as a gut is really an impulse and that overwhelming desire for instant gratification....we later tend to regret those moves as the seem to overwhelm the sitution or be too intense for someithing premature. wow, I am out of breath here-- hope I have written this in a way that makes sense.

Good luck, LuckyDuck, wishing you with best in this situation. Keep me posted.

-Reborn

[LuckyDuck]

Hey Reborn-

It seems I have a personal angel by my side. Thank you being my guiding light (not the blue light I like the "I am the duck and she is the chick part" Need a little humor to soften the tension. Everytime, I get confused and become overwhelmed by choices, you show up just in time to really things out in great detail. At first I wanted to confront her and just ask her how she is feeling. You mentioned her words are rational emotions and change quickly so it does not serve a good purpose of finding the truth.

I plan to see her Saturday see what happens next. I look forward to much to spending time with her but have to keep my emotional distance. All my love and affection are still fresh and strong when she's near. I really don't know what her plans are for seeing me. It has been a very long time since she said she wants to see me. I have always been the one telling her that I want to see her at night or during the weekend. She would be the one deciding if she wants to or not. I feel like a servant and she the queen. It should be that way. That feeling did not feel good. Reborn, I will be much more cautious and try to balance my approach. Since this is new terriory for me, I hope I don't make a wrong move and fall back into her trap if she has one laid out there for me. She has her exboyfriend back and still wants to see me. Three weeks ago she said why do I still want to see her, it is not leading us to anywhere, and now she wants to see me. How fast can emotions can change hah.

I truly hope it is not an act of jealousy and once she has me back, she will act up again. Well until Saturday, I am going out tonight with some friends to drink a little (not to get drunk).

Roborn, you have given alot of your time to me. I would to hear what has been happening on your side. I know you are very strong and hope that you are well. I wish you the best and please keep me updated with your situation and I will keep you posted on mine.

Take care, Luckyduck