Moving On Creating New Issues?

[MasterT]

I've started noticing that as I move on more and more and let go from my ex, a fear has started to take it's place...

 

I've started to become afraid of committing to someone...

 

I am not entirely sure what has created it, because I've never had this problem before. I think it could be connected to the fact that my parents are in the midst of a divorce, coupled with my ex leaving me for no apparent reason after what I believed was a happy relationship for a long time...

 

Now I'm slowly getting the idea in my head that I don't want anything to do with relationships, yet at the same time I really want to find a loving relationship with someone. It's this paradox that started small, but has been nagging me more and more throughout the day.

 

I think to myself, that I can do everything right, yet the person may leave me anyways, so why commit myself and allow myself to get bashed in the end? Why not just keep my heart out of it, so that when it does end I don't get hurt as badly? But then I argue with myself that truly that isn't what I want to do, it isn't right, isn't fair to the other person, and I really do want to commit 100%.

 

I guess right now I'm really confused. I mean I took some big steps today to move on and now I'm feeling some backlash.

 

I don't really know where this is coming from... I've never had these feelings before... I just feel lost. Help?

[Scotcha]

Risk nothing and achieve nothing. The only way to achieve your hearts desire is to risk your very own heart. It is a risk worth taking so long as one takes it wisely.

 

I don't know if that even helps. Love is a bit more scary after you've been burned but it can also be even more wonderful and fulfilling.

[Scout]

Is it possible that you don't necessarily fear another relationship, so much as you fear getting hurt again? And that you're assuming the odds are you will get hurt?

[MasterT]

Is it possible that you don't necessarily fear another relationship, so much as you fear getting hurt again? And that you're assuming the odds are you will get hurt?

 

Perhaps that is it.... I guess it's just my defenses coming back online.

 

But I also get the idea in my head that I should be ready for someone to hurt me again... This bothers me because I think it could sabotage the next great relationship I get. I've got the idea in my head that I don't want to get dumped again, so I need to leave before they leave me....

 

I think I'm just being a bit overprotective of my heart right now.

[Scout]

I believe that's what is happening. And you know, to an extent your defenses can be helpful, if you exercise them in the right way. For example, if you use them to see authentic red flags.

 

But sometimes, we go in the extreme direction and let our defenses rule out almost all possibilities. There are no absolute guarantees against getting hurt, but once you accept that, it's much easier to get back on the proverbial horse and rejoin the land of the living. Plus, as you mature, you'll make even wiser relationship decisions, greatly increasing your chance for a happy relationship.

[caro33]

I've been tremendously hurt, and afraid of commitment as a result. I still have moments of fear even though I am happily married to a wonderful man. It does affect you, sometimes permanently. But it's manageable.

 

Don't bite off more than you can chew right now, and things will be fine. I know it sounds cliched but take it one day at a time and commit whatever you have at your disposal. You can always go on that first date, that second date etc with no real obligations. I don't mean you toy with people, but if you really like someone and imagine the Non-Scared you would be keen, then give the Scared You at least the chance to enjoy himself. Treat others with respect and honesty about your capacity to become involved and you should be be okay.

 

You only really need to ask yourself the deep questions I think - or at least they only take on real significance - when it comes time to move in together, to get married, to have children. Until then, why not take some chances and see how you go.

 

You can choose to be alone, but it's not a hurt free environment. It can be lonely if it's not what you truly want. You will always be hurt in a relationship, but the little hurts (little misunderstandings) do not match to the greater hurt of being lonely. The joys are great, and the risks are worth it.