cheeseburger Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 hi everyone! im new to this, and i was hoping maybe someone can give me some advice as to what is going on...it might long...and thank you for those who actually take the time to read it. ive been seeing this guy for about 10 months, and about 3 weeks ago..he told me he needed "space." it was out of nowhere, and so unexpected...i was shocked! he told me not to worry, and to not take it seriously...but how can i not?? it was not until last week that we finally talked, and hung out a couple times....and then out of nowhere, again, he just stops talking to me! im so confused!!! what is he trying to do??? i can tell he has feelings for me, and i know there isnt another girl..i just dont understand why he is doing this. he says he needs time to focus on school, but then when i ask what hes been up to, he says just hanging out with friends...thats not focusing on school! i know i should just him "space" but what does giving him space actually mean?? do i just ignore him and go about my day? what if he thinks i dont want him anymore? OR do i give him space, but still let him know i care for him...and how does that work without annoying him or invading his "space.??" i really really like this guy, and i would be so apprecitated if someone could help me understand what is happening!!! thank you! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 Give him twice as much space as he thinks he or says he needs, keep all conversations short and don't rush to return his calls unless it is to make or confirm a plan. Initiate calls to him one time for every 5 times he calls you and ask him if the two of you are still exclusive. Tell him nothing about your plan to give him twice as much space as he asked for, simply stay confident and say "that's fine - and when you decide you don't need space let me know and if I don't need space at that point we can resume seeing each other often again. Do not say it with anger or disappointment - he doesn't get the privilege of seeing that you are bothered by this. Sometimes it means he wants to end the relationship, other times it means that he needs a break but doesn't want to break up. Time will tell and if he still needs space and you are tired of the arrangement, tell him so and that you think you two are no longer compatible. Link to comment
Northalius Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 A good way to give him space, yet show him you still care, is to simply send him a card in the mail! Tell him something like "Hey! I respect your wish for space, and hope things can work out in the end. I will be thinking of you in the meantime! Or something like that. Whatever you want, really. Just let him know you care, and keep it simple, through an action like this. He might not want to rush into a committed relationship yet, and it took this amount of time for him to finally realize it; so, I guess you'll just have to respect his wish, as you'd want him to do the same for you. Link to comment
cheeseburger Posted March 12, 2007 Author Share Posted March 12, 2007 do you think its a bad idea if i text him that ill give him his space...or should i just leave it as it is? i was thinking of saying something like .."i dont know why you stopped talking to me all of a sudden, but if space is what you want, then you got it"....that way he will know im giving him space and not just ignoring him. Link to comment
nilli Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 Hi cheeseburger, I wouldn't add on the 'you got it' it bit at the end. makes it sound a bit...piqued? Personally I'd just leave it. It would be nice to know of course but he didn't give you a satisfactory response before so you may not get that now. Just speculation, of course. nilli x Link to comment
cheeseburger Posted March 13, 2007 Author Share Posted March 13, 2007 ok..yea maybe i should just leave it. i just dont want him to think that i gave up, because he might think 'well she gave up, i will too'...... this is really tough. i hate feeling like this. some days im ok, and some days its so bad. i want to talk to him...but i know i cant. it just seems that everytime he shows any feelings for me, thats when he backs away...i dont understand that! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 I wouldn't text him - I would call him if you are supposed to return a call and discuss it. Link to comment
cheeseburger Posted March 13, 2007 Author Share Posted March 13, 2007 what if im not suppose to return a call...then dont call huh? ok well i have another Q. his bay is at the end of the month....should i just ignore it, or get him something? if i get him something, will it seem as if i want him back? and if i dont get him anything or dont do anything about it...will he forget about me completely? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 You are supposed to return a call - just don't rush to and keep it very short. I wouldn't do anything for his bday - if he questions it tell him you will celebrate if/when he is done needing space as you assume needing space means he doesn't want to spend time celebrating with you. Link to comment
Hayles Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 I guess the most important thing to factor in is this.... do not make yourself too available to him - make sure he's not calling all the shots during his 'space' time - do not let him go about his day without contacting you and then call you at 7pm and expect you to drop everything to hang out with him at 7.30.... But... do not, do not... play games either - don't give him too much space for the sake of 'getting back at him'. I think what Northalias said was awesome - a one off gesture to let him know you care and will be thinking of him. And truly, don't sit around wondering, enjoy the time to do things for YOU also!! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 I don't think it's a time to play games but if he wants space, she should give him twice as much as he seems to want. And that's for her self-protection so that if the "space" is so that he can decide whether he wants to be with her, she can create sufficient emotional distance so that she can decide, during this time of space, whether she still wants him. Link to comment
cheeseburger Posted March 13, 2007 Author Share Posted March 13, 2007 why do guys need space anyway? what are they trying to prove? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 People sometimes need space in a relationship to be able to evaluate things from a more objective perspective - I once took a month break from an old boyfriend to do just that. I didn't date other people and we didn't talk. I wasn't trying to prove anything - I just needed time to think and clear my head since we were at a point where we should have been making a decision about our future. At other times, I have felt the need for space when the man was clingy or when I thought it should end but wanted to make sure so before breaking up, took a 'break." Link to comment
Shiva 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 Hello Cheeseburger, give him more then space, I would drop him if I were you. That's how my very destructive relationship started, well sort of....he disappeared for two whole days without ever giving me the explanation of where he had been. That was a HUGE RED FLAG, that at the time in the name of great love for him chose to believe his promise that would never happen again, that was exactly a couple of weeks into the relationship. Never again, if someone were to ask me now to give him space, I would reply, sure, take all the space you need, because I'm not interested in dating you any longer. If someone were to desappear on me for 1 or more days and then call me, I would not respond to the phone call, because in 2007 when you do not respond it means you are not interested. It's only my opinions, but better if you value yourself than giving that power to someone else. I hope this helps with your decision, good luck. Link to comment
cheeseburger Posted March 13, 2007 Author Share Posted March 13, 2007 Bataya, did you end up back with them? i wish he would just tell me that he didnt want me anymore...to me its a lot easier bc i can just move on...by saying he needs a break or space....still keeps me around and wondering. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 We did end up back together and then on and off for several years. I missed him a lot when we were apart. He is not doing anything except asking for space. You have the control here - you can accept that he needs space and wait, you can say no thanks and walk away, or you can wait the amount of time that you feel comfortable with and then make your decision. It's all up to you. Link to comment
Shiva 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 I don't mean to be polemical here, but I guess the space giving Batya33 did not really help? I was suggesting that when someone is confused, not sure, whatever, the truth is that any hopes in that moment of either waiting, hoping to convince them, or doing something about it, are not the healthiest of approaches, you may just be in for false expectation and further disappointments in the long run. Cheesburger, if you don't own a copy of the book the rules, get yourself a copy ASAP. It's very enlightening, I wished I had memorized every page back in the day. I have learned a lot, and I wish my ex, a future of happiness and success. Certainly I don't hold the expectations that we will ever get back together again. Even if some people have said to me, what if he changed 100% or, you never know what is written in the stars. That's entirely possible, but I try not to live life by the what if rules, they seem to hold us back. Once again, good luck with your decision. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 In my case, the space made me realize that I missed him a lot and wanted to try again. We continued dating on and off for about 5 years after that. I have seen relationships blossom into marriage where there was a break or break up in between. My boyfriend now is someone I dated in the mid 1990s and we started dating again in 2005. Sometimes space does give perspective but both people have to feel ok about it and typically it's not a good idea for the one who wants space to date others - if he or she does then it's not space he needs, it's variety. If he agrees not to date others and to keep the "space" to a comfortable limit - and also agree that he doesn't have the privilege of speaking with her or contacting her while they are supposed to be giving each other space it can be a good way to get perspective. I didn't have to read the rules because I started following them - to a modified extent in some cases, a dozen years before they were published. Never let me down - meaning, at 40 I have positive attitudes about men, relationships, closeness and love. On the whole I've been treated with respect and like a lady. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 i think the problem with someone requesting 'space' is that it can mean anything to anybody... sometimes it means just that, they want a little space, but other times it is a cowardly way of sneaking out of a relationship without actually have the talk to break up. and it can also be a way for someone to claim to a third party they are not really dating someone else, and start up a new relationship without really closing out the old one. so i think you need to talk to him enough to really try to understand what it is he is really after with this 'space,' and to talk about a time limit for it... i.e., you will not see each other for X period of time, then at the end of that time, re-evaluate things. but if he just drifts in and out, seeing you one time, then stopping talking to you, that is really inconsiderate, and may be a prelude to a breakup. next time you see him, i suggest you talk to him about where he is with you, and what is going on, and if he doesn't give you some timeframe for when you will talk or get back together, i would consider it done. Link to comment
Shiva 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 thumbs up BeStrongBeHappy I really like what you have to say. and Batya33 I didn't mean to offend you, I'm sure that on the whole you've been treated with respect and like a lady because you are a lady Link to comment
cheeseburger Posted March 13, 2007 Author Share Posted March 13, 2007 if i talk to him about it, wouldnt that make him feel like im pressuring him to make a decision...like im saying 'be with me,or else!' ?? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 I think if someone states he wants space the other person is entitled to confirm what that means: "ok, so I assume then that we won't have contact - that's fine and that will work for me for [x] time - after that time, if I don't hear from you I will assume you are not interested in continuing the relationship." Said in the right matter of fact tone, no pressure whatsoever. Link to comment
BrendaBean Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 WOW! Thank you. This is exactly my situation and exactly what I needed to hear. Link to comment
BrendaBean Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 We did end up back together and then on and off for several years. I missed him a lot when we were apart. He is not doing anything except asking for space. You have the control here - you can accept that he needs space and wait, you can say no thanks and walk away, or you can wait the amount of time that you feel comfortable with and then make your decision. It's all up to you. *sigh* so true. Link to comment
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