I feel so numb till we fight(really long)

[Black Pheonyxx]

I love my husband deeply, which is why it hurts so bad, but now most of the day I feel numb sort of hollow. Used to be we had our spats, which were stupid little things easily solved fitting of the name spat, disagreements, we just had different oppinions mostly on things like fashion and how I thought he should take better care of his body, and then there were the fights, few and far between they took a couple hours to sort out but they always ended well. we could find a comprimise and we never ever came within a foot of each other so as to prevent intimidation. then we well...I am not really sure when it started I can't remember the first one... I try not to hold onto those sort of things. I have to admit that I have done some pretty mean things to him in the past. I hate telling him anything even remotely bad (i.e. the bill for such and such we more than expected, we got a bill I wasn't expecting, I screwed up the check book again) So by omision I would lie to him. Just not tell him that the bill was so big that sort of thing. I am trying very hard not to be timid with the bad news. I also am very forgetful. I have never been anything but, I write lists now and stick them on the bathroom mirror. But I still can't seem to get him to see the changes I have made.

I get up get him ready for work kiss him bye and spend my day fighting internally as well as taking care of our 16 month old baby. He comes home spends a few minutes with the baby and then disappears into the spare bed room or gets online or goes next door to his parents till dinner time then back again when dinners done. When we do talk we end up fighting and he calls me childish, gets right in my face screaming, curses at me, and the one thing I can't fight the one thing that I have no defense against, he says he will devorce me. Starts screaming how I must want a divorce because of the way I treat him. I am a nautrally flirtatious person I am constantly on edge now around any guy save my own brother. I am try God I am trying please I don't know how to show him how much I love him I can't seem to prove it to him. Some one please give me something to try. I will not let this marriage die! I can't Bri needs us and I need him.

[kuja_13]

Intresting........I think it would be kind of difficult to "prove" to someone that you love them. Maybe if it comes down to the worst separate for awhile and let him see what hes lost. If he loves you he should come back. Its hard to realise what you have until you've lost it........

[netman]

I'm pretty sure that separating is not an option that you're entertaning. It's so funny that I read this, because my g/f and I get into a lot of little, little "spats" and it IRKS me. I'm a peaceful, mellow kind of guy, and I was raised with wonderful parents who hardly ever fought, and my sisters and I get along so well. My g/f is the opposite. When she's in her house and we're on the phone, I could here her screaming at her brother and her sister in the background on the daily, and she's constantly bickering at me. She's slowed down a lot since I made a really big issue about it, but she has her days that she'll catch a deep attitude with me and she'll argue about something minor, but now I just tell her that I don't want to talk to her for the rest of the day. We hang up, and she'll call me an hour later to tell me that she loves me and stuff like that, and that she thanks me for being patient with her. It bothers me a lot since we're talking about building a future together but I don't know if I could have a future with someone like that. Anyhow........

 

It's hard to be patient when there's constant bickering and spatting. Could it be that you've bickered and spatted with him so much that he's judging you and he thinks that everything you tell him is your way of bickering at him? Have you discussed this with him? I think you need to try be more positive about things (negativity and positivity is contagious, but negativity more so), and you should definitely ask him to spend more time with you. But when you ask him, tell him in the nicest way possible. Also, try to be romantic with him days at a time, maybe candle light dinner, massages, etc. That'll show him that there could be a really good side to your marriage when you guys are not fighting and spatting. Maybe that'lll squelsh some of the negativity which is obviously surrounding your marriage.

[eyethink]

just a general reply to those who are worried about arguments...RUN AWAY! my wife and I argue...over tiny things..over big things....and it just gets worse as life gets more complicated with kids..we've been married fifteen years and I think it comes down to one thing...ask yoursefl if you think you and your SigOther are compatible..do you care about the same thngs to the same level?..to make it over the long haul you need to have a mate who you are sympatico with...I found out the hard way..over time the differences get magnified...you end up looking accross the table at someone you may not even like....so take a hard look at the person you are with...you will not be able to make them happy, and they will only end up making you unhappy. Misery loves company. I have a wife who is in turmiol with her family and the unhappiness she has in her family is being dragged into our family and laid on our kids. So look at your SIgOthers family sitch and see if it is like yours.. compatibility starts with how you were raised. You have one life to live so don't waste it trying to make an unhappy person someone who they are not.

[netman]

Eyethink, man you got me thinking big time. Your situation sounds like it could be me in 15 years.

 

Is there hope for our relationship if my g/f remains this way? Did you see signs of this behavior before you got married?

 

I'll give you an example of the pettiness of her arguments. I have 2 cells phones (one personal one from the job) and she was trying to call me for about an hour on Saturday during the day but she couldn't get through. I get really bad reception in the house, so it happens. Anyhow, when she finally got through (keep in mind I had no idea that she was trying to call me) she yells at me about how she's upset that she couldn't get through to me, and that it's my responsibility to make sure that I have reception since that's the only way she can get in contact with me. I was like WTF!?!?! I told her that that was the dumbest thing she ever argued with me about. Then later that day, something else I did pissed her off and again she argued with me and we hung up the phone. This doesn't happen to often, but when it does I get so angry and I feel like she's being selfish and illogical in her reasons for argueing; she's definitely pushing me away. She's gorgeous, very loving and affectionate, but I'm beginning to feel like she's not bringing anything positive to this relationship. Sometimes I think that she takes things for granted since we've already talked about marriage and stuff.

 

Yesterday, we spent an ok day together, but I was still so angry that I told her that I wouldn't marry her until she took anger management classes. She laughs thinking I'm joking and insists that she doesn't have a problem. She's argued with her family and everyone else all her life that to her it's natural. She's constantly bickering at me and she tells me that that's the way she talks and that I'm too sensitive. I love her and I could definitely see her as my wife, but I feel like she's going to drive me bananas and I see myself becoming very discontent.

 

Should I break up with her hoping that she realizes how her bickering and arguing is hurting me? I WOULD risk losing her, because I want to make sure that I'm happy the rest of my life. What should I do?

[Black Pheonyxx]

You have to understand I live with a ghost, in a strange sense of the word, the ghost is his ex-wife. No she is still alive but she abused him phychologically emotionally and at times physically. Then She told him she wanted a divorce, and on top of that she forced her daughters whom he helped raise to lie to him about the affair she was having during thier seperation before the divorce was complete. He was deeply scarred but her and her calous ways. She didn't just want a divorce she wanted to use his love for 2 girls he concidered his children to get money from him The man she was sleeping with was his best friend, the one whom he would turn to during this time to seek solance. As we get farther and farther into our lives it is becoming increasingly more difficult to show my love for him and yet not kill those things that make me me at the same time. He once called me his falcon always soaring the skies never letting the swamp that life throws at me get me down. He referred to himself as the soldier always slogging forward through mud muck rain forest and sand. He said I kept him from losing sight of the fact that every swamp has an end and must give way to the forest, and that he kept me from flying so high I lose sight of my goals. this is no longer true for us. This fact is what makes my life so difficult he won't let me fly so I die and even though I could get away from him easily I love him so much that I fight to get him to see rather than leave.

I am a christian, I do not believe that a person should jump into marriage nor should they concider divorce unless there are serious reasons to do so, violence against ones person, child abuse, and unrepentant infidelity (repeat cheating). and even then time must be give to one self and the relationship to see if healing can occur, it may or may not. I have none of these reasons, we fight yes but the harsh words are said filled with pain no maliciously, heverges on worshipful love of our child, and he isn't cappable of cheating on me it isn't something he can do I wonder some time if he wants too but to be honest when the fresh flush of anger passes I find no proof even whn I search for it.

I can not tell you to stay or go I don't know you both well enough to say. I wish I did I would like to help after all I am a busy body of the non-intrusive kind strange though that may seem strange and contradictory. Be well Netman I have you and your Lady in my thoughts.

[eyethink]

man I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner...

 

your 'sitch sounds exactly like mine..when I look back on the emotional hoops i jumped through for her...if she cared about you and didn't want to control you she wouldn't be asking for things like control of your time.

 

You will find someone who respects your time and space, probably someone who too has had thier chain yanked.

 

Some people are emotional crippled, can't stand beside another peson in a relationship but instead want to stand in the front, with you toeing the line behind.

 

My moto nowadays is don't hitch your wagon to someones crazy train. Life isw too short and you can't make someone happy unless your happy first.

 

Seriously check the parents, they are the major influence on the one you are with. If the relationship looks good, and they seem to respect each other, you've got a chance with her. We all become our parents to a large extend when we get into relationships.

[netman]

Eyethink, I'm glad you wrote again.

 

Well here's an update on my situation. Around December, the petty arguments were becoming more routine and I started to build strong resistance and I started to yell and scream at her after she'd get into one of her fits, and I'm not even that type of person. I'm usually calm and reasonable. The ironic part is that when I would come out my face really bad, she'd try to turn it around and ask why I'm yelling and coming out the way I do. At that point, I'm like, WTF is wrong with her? She's the one initiating the arguments, and now she's getting upset because I've slowly changed from understanding to short fused when it came to her.

 

Then it hit me. The weekend after one of her many arguments, I spent it with my family including one of my sisters and her husband. They've been married about 3 years and I've never seen a happier couple; the way they communicate, the love and joy that flowed from their union. That's the kind of relationship I want in my life. They noticed that I wasn't myself, and they made a comment about how I'm not as happy and jokingly as I usually am, and they were right!!!! I was realizing that my girlfriend was bringing me into her negative argumentative world and I was letting her. Then I decided that I had enough. I broke up with her; yup, I broke up with her. Then she kept calling me, telling me how she knows she has a problem and she knows why and that she's going to do her best to change. So I missed her, then we got back. Then a few weeks later, she got into it again, then I left again.

 

Then same thing, she's calling me telling me she's going to change and that she's going to get help. I really thought it was over since I didn't want to go back to that negativity, but again I gave her another change, and everything was GREAT until exactly a week later when she got into it again real bad, and it was then that I decided enough was enough. She says she blames me for (in her own words) not helping her analyze why she gets so angry and why she argues the way she does. I told her that I'm her boyfriend not her therapist. And she also says that I'm more concerned about my happiness then our happiness, and I said yup. And she should be happy too, and if I was making her unhappy I would understand if she broke up too.

 

 

I know that if you love someone, you should do your best to help and work with each other, but I tried to be patient and understanding for so long, that it doesn't make sense to stay in a relationship where one of us is unhappy. She says she wanted to better herself, but she continues to see the world in her eyes and anything that anyone says or does that is different to what she thinks it should be is stupid. She's went away with her family for a couple of weeks and she's treating this like we're on a "break", but I think it's permanent at least for now. If she thinks we're getting back, she has another thing coming. The sad part is that besides that, she's a really great girlfriend, very beautiful and sexy, and very educated and career orientated. What a shame.... You think I did the right thing?

 

BTW, Black Pheonyxx. Have things gotten better on your end?