continuously repeating same mistakes

[sweetharmony]

I am obviously having difficulty with relationships. I am quite self-aware and can see the obvious things I need to change and learn from my mistakes, but unfortunately, for some reason I am unable to implement what I've learned into future relationships and to live in th present. I decided to look at my old posts, for clarification and what I read is soooo eeringly familiar.

 

this specific post (while only two months) is the EXACT story of my recent break-up. almost exactly, although this most recent was 6 months. I feel like the conversation was a script that I keep replaying over and over. This recent relationship, however, actually had potential, the most potential so far, as he was decidingly interested in pursuing marriage and completely honest with me about everything.

 

I want to get out of this cycle, but feel helpless to do so....what breaks the cycle? I just lost someone who had real potential and afraid that unless I make serious changes, this will continue to haunt me. I am sinking in my depression because I feel I cannot do this anymore (though I try so hard) and afraid that I won't be able to come up for air anymore.

[Beyondthesea]

If you are repeating the same relationship mistakes over and over again, it's time to look within yourself and see why.

 

Was your father unavailable to you?

Were you made to feel insecure in your life?

Did you have a lot of relationship problems with your parents, or did your parents have a lot of relationship problems themselves?

 

Laugh all you like, but once you answer these questions, you can answer your own.

[Scout]

Hi, Sweetharmony....long time no talk! It's good to see you again, although I'm sorry about the circumstances that led you back here.

 

I remember that you and I came to eNotalone about the same time, and we had similar relationship issues.

 

You ask how you can break the cycle. There isn't just one all purpose answer. It's going to call for several things.

 

But let's back up a bit. I think your main issue is you are terrified of getting abandoned in a relationship, so you hasten it's demise before you get too attached. Of course, you still end up in a lot of pain, anyway.

 

Whatever the reasons are behind this fear, I do believe this is one of your chief issues.

 

I also don't think you are picking people who necessarily will alleviate this fear. The guy in the thread you referenced seemed a bit out to sea when it came to relationships, as well.

 

What broke the cycle for me were a few things:

 

1) I figured out what I needed, not wanted, in a relationship. Turns out there were some major differences between the two.

 

2) I took my time getting to know the guys I was dating.

 

3) I ended up meeting one of the kindest, most caring men a woman could ask for. Was he a flashy stud? No. What he the life of the party? No. Was he smart, funny, genuine, and trustworthy? Yes, to all four. But he wasn't anything like the kind of guys I dated in the past, and in fact, if I'd met him a couple years earlier, I probably would have been a fool and passed him up.

 

But luckily, I accomplished steps #1 and #2 before I met him, so I was well-prepared for meeting such a great guy.

 

Maybe you should start with your own list. Write down everything you think you need in a relationship and from a guy. Then look it back over and ask yourself why you need each item. That will help you cross a lot of stuff off, trust me! And once you know what you really need, it will be so much easier to spot the guys who can offer it (and of course, those that can't).

[sweetharmony]

thanks everyone. Yes, maybe in the past I have chosen emotionally unavailable men. This time, for certain my most recent ex was not emotionally unavailable-just to me...after I pushed him so far away.

 

He is the most honest and moral person I know and he has never been in a relationship and is a virgin, not because he is emotionally unavailable, but because he is too nice and often gets overlooked by women.

 

Despite his strange and absent relationship/intimacy history, I felt almost out of league with him. we seemed to have long-term comaptible goals, but my insecurities kept sabatoging and i ended up pushing him away for fear. He didn't want to end the relationship (he cares so deeply for me), though he saw no long-term future (as ai asked and pushed for an asnwer so soon, from 4-6 months). I feel as though I am doomed to a series of these intense relationships (where the bf loves to date me for as long as he can). i am a good girlfriend and though my boyfriends rarely break up with me, I am not marriage material. I have good and bad qualities, but when I talk about the future, they cannot commit to anything true. these are not emotionally unavailable men, they just don't see me in their future. I am not angry with them, as it is always my fault, I'm not sure how I can become the person who could be a good support to myself and to another. i don't know how to handle the little things and blow everything up out of proportion. I don't have anyone to base it on!

 

Yes, my parents have a dysfunctional relationship. They are constantly arguing. My dad is very emotionally abusive to all of us. But I cannot continue to focus on this any more. I must take responisbility, but my head begins to think (when my boyfriend) says one thing that maybe insulting, that he hates me, it's over.

 

Yes, I am afraid of abandonment and this causes my worst fear. It's just so scary that I am so aware, yet feel helpless to change! and the conversations are the same over and over.