Will I ever be able to forgive myself?

[mintblossom]

Contrary to popular belief, I think that victims of abuse who have been violated feel very responsible for what has been done to them. I know I do. There is always the thought that....if only I had known, if only I had been thinking smarter, clearer, if only I had seen what I didn't want to see, if only this and that.......then I could have prevented this.

 

I feel very responsible for what has happened to me because I did not have to make these poor dating choices. I could have walked away and gotten out at anytime and I should have. But I was not strong enough and because I didn't, I ended up getting burned, hurt and badly broken. I had some false assumptions and beliefs such as "men who have cats as pets can't be bad" and I had trust issues that led me to waver inbetween trusting too little and way too much.

 

Since going to therapy, I understand how I got myself in these situations and how I tolerated bad behavior and bad treatment. I am very shocked and surprised at some of the behavior I accepted in the past. These same behaviors would have me running out the door these days.

 

So I feel very responsible for my choices. I feel very responsible for staying and letting it drag on. I feel very responsible for not walkinng away and being very strong with my boundaries. And because I feel this responsiblity, I blame myself, I feel guilty and I am always wanting to go to the past to change things. I want to believe "no...this couldn't have happened...not to me...what was I thinking." It's a very heavy feeling. I feel so much pain and disgust. It affronts my very dignity as a human being. My self-respect is very important to me.

 

I have learned that the only way to stop abusive behavior isn't to have firmer boundaries (because he will break these), it isn't to change tactics....the only way is to walk away and have no contact permanently. This is against my basic nature which is very forgiving and tries to be kind and compassionate. But it is what I have to do to protect myself.

 

So my question to those who have survived is...Will I ever be able to forgive myself, let go and forget? Can I really forgive me? Will I be able to look back and feel nothing about what happened? Will I be able to feel better about myself? How can I forgive me?

 

I feel the need to punish and beat myself up to hurt myself for letting this happen to me.

[Mun]

I've had myself a good long cry for the "me" that was naive and weak. Then I told myself that I would RUN not walk the next time I saw the 'signs' . Like you I've asked myself, how could this have happened?

 

I don't think you can ever forget something like this and maybe you shouldn't....if to keep yourself safe. You heal yourself and move past it...very slowly, but you keep on going.

 

I think being aware of the problem is half the solution. You should feel good about yourself that you are doing something about this(therapy, self analyzing) . You're getting there...

[Ash]

Well, common belief or not, I think a lot of folks here do identify with exactly what you're saying. I for one do understand that you feel a lot of guilt and responsibility in an abusive situation. I have had the fortune (if that's how it can be termed) as not having been in an abusive situation, but all too often I've run accross somebody who was or is and listened to their stories, felt their pain and lack of control and wished for things to be better for them.

 

In some ways, perhaps the best think you can do for yourself if identify that others are in the same situation you are. Tell them your story and help them understand there's a way out. Turn your negative experiences into a way to help others to a brighter future. Perhaps that's a way of turning something bad into something better.

 

You do have to try and convince yourself though that no matter how you feel, and how helpless you may have been while it was happening that is was NOT your fault. Once started you couldn't stop it perhaps, but that is entirely different. One thing that many, many abusers do is they feed on the fact you do feel some guilt. They'll tell you things that aren't true so you won't leave, and they'll hang the blame on you when that's completely untrue.

 

I'm seeing the same thing now with a close friend and we keep telling her many days that what he's saying is wrong, that it's your your fault.

 

See if you can help others if you feel you're able ... but keep in mind that may just be to offer support even if they can't find whatever it is you took to move on.

 

And if you CAN describe what it did take you to finally brake out of your situation ... then I for one (and I'm sure many others) would like to hear that so we can learn to. Certainly, going completely no contact is an extremely good idea. Any slight chance he has of getting back in contact he will leverage to his advantage to at least try to make you feel guilty again, and perhaps to try and lure you back. Best to leave it completely and totally behind. Put him out of your mind as much as you can.

 

Turn your anger somewhere other than yourself. It was his fault, he did it. Not you. You're out now, focus on that and please don't blame yourself any further.

[mintblossom]

Once started you couldn't stop it perhaps, but that is entirely different. One thing that many, many abusers do is they feed on the fact you do feel some guilt. They'll tell you things that aren't true so you won't leave, and they'll hang the blame on you when that's completely untrue.

 

Any slight chance he has of getting back in contact he will leverage to his advantage to at least try to make you feel guilty again.

 

It was a lose-lose situation. I think no matter what I did or didn't do, he would think of some way to twist it around to his advantage and to pin it on me. I felt a great deal like a butterfly stuck in a spiderweb. No matter which way I turned, something sticky was pinned on me.

 

Getting away is a lot like being a butterfly too. You literally drag, limp yourself away as far as you can until the stickiness wears off. Your wings may be crippled and broken for a bit....so it's best to rest and heal.

[Shiva 2007]

wow, teardrops, you took the words right out of my mouth, it sounds like you were with me in my last session with my therapist.

Here is what she said, you are mourning that is natural, don't push those feelings away, the good news is that you will in time forgive yourself, you will discover that you did the best that you could, right now though you will experience, anger, hurt, loneliness, at times even feelings of empowerment, and yes you will also blame yourself. And the other good news is that like you said you won't let the same thing happen again. Discover what the root is however and work with that, for me the root is my dysfonctional relationship with a very controlling mother, the hardest thing for me to accept is that she has not been a good mother, that her way of loving was not healty, and what's difficult is that no matter what I love her, and I feel a great sense of responsibility for her wellbeing, and I recognize that she is going to die, and at that moment if I'm not careful, I will blame myself, because I didn't do enough for her. This will take time, and it's extremely scary for me to accept.

I mean, I hear what my therapist says, but I have not allowed it to sink in. This may not be your situation at all, I am just sharing the realization that I don't ever want to forget because what you and I have endured is a valuable and insightful lesson, if we choose to ride the waves.

I lived in my situation for 5 years, the red flags were there immediatelly and I knew I was choosing to ignore them, from almost the first date, inside I felt like a yoyo going up and down with the certainty that something was not right, and that I needed to break up sooner rather then later, but I didn't have the courage or the strength, but most importantly I wouldn't have then been the savior, or rescuer. I knew that I was being taken for a wild and crazy ride, and yes I chose in the name of what I called love to hope that he would change, that if I would give him enough of my love, he would get better. But someone who is a lier, a cheat, an abuser, or a manipulator, is not a well person, all you can hope for is that they don't hurt someone else and deep down inside you know they will. That's the sadness that I'm facing these days. I feel the great burden that I didn't follow the right course of action to prevent this man from hurting the next victim. This I will have to live with for the rest of my live.

Best wishes towards your recovery, and buy yourself some flowers, you deserve them.

[ladyspirit]

Great replies.

 

I am still recovering from the confusing and mentally abusive relationship I chose to be in for 3 years. It's been 6 months since we broke up.

My feelings fluctuate between feeling guilty for having ignored the red flags, and feeling that I did my best and that I want to forgive myself now.

i don't know when this cycle ends...but as with all things, time heals wounds, and this is what I am holding onto.

 

Mintblossom, I understand the feeling of guilt for having tolerated unacceptable behavior. And the loss of self-respect. It's really hard to get passed this...I have felt like sh*t quite a bit since the break up, because with distance all I accepted from him became clearer, even things I'd forgotten had happened.

 

I think you're on the right track to healing. You will go through the dance of two steps forward, three steps back, but I'm sure you, I , all who go through such an experience, grow stronger and smarter from it, and forgive ourselves with time. Perhaps we should have a bit more humour here: we are not perfect, we made mistakes, ok already- let's not dwell on it and take ourselves too seriously: let's learn, let go, accept our failures, have humility, and move on. Perhaps that's an important stage in order to heal. That's what I am trying to do.

Good luck.