Tight boyfriend?

[GEMMACHURCH]

Going out for nearly a year. Started out fair, now I pay for all his drinks when we go out, take-aways and lend him money every now and then. He has bought me some big expensive presents, but I have probably paid this back in all the times he has come down the pub with no money. Occasionally he will pay, but not often. He earns the same as me.

He drives a sports car and the insurance is crippling. I do not drive, and he picks me up occasionally which I know costs him money.

I have taken him out a few times and he promises me to treat me when he gets paid…..but we usually end up staying in and ordering a takeaway which I usually pay for.

 

Tonight he is supposed to be taking me out for a meal. I have spoken to him and he has said that he left is bank card round my house and won’t have any cash on him for tonight (a trick he has pulled before)

 

I am mostly to blame for this as I have always paid and told him that it was fine, not wanting to embarrass him. We once argued about it and he remembered the few things he had done and I was speechless as I have lost count of all the things I pay for.

I have never complained as I usually get embarrassed.

 

I know this is my fault but I feel so upset and angry now. My mum and friends think he is taking the royal p****. I do feel that he is taking advantage to the limit.

But I have no idea how I should approach the subject with him after leaving it so long

[annie24]

next time you two are somewhere and he says he can't pay in advance, say, "aw, i can't either, I'm a little strapped right now." simply put, just stop paying all the time! if he asks you out for drinks say, "oh, I am a little broke right now, maybe next week.....' see if he offers to pay for you.....

[Stu147]

Hi Gemma

 

Just tell him straight out that you don't feel that he contributes enough financially. Tell him you don't want to get into a 'I payed for this, you paid for that' kind of discussion because it's not constructive and you can both be more mature than that. You just feel that as you earn the same money that he could help out more. Remind him that you have bills to pay as well. And if you ask me, if he is really struggling then he could sell off that sports car for a start and get a more practical vehicle. It sounds like he's a bit immature and unrealistic when it comes to money.

 

Don't let him sponge off you like this. He's a grown man. You don't want to be a mother figure to him, he should support himself. If you don't broach the subject and stand firm then he will remain in this comfort zone and will change nothing. He is bound to get a little touchy when you bring it up, but don't let that distract you from telling him your feelings.

 

I wish you the best of luck, take care...

[GEMMACHURCH]

That was pretty spot on! that is just how he is and does treat me just like he does his mum........

 

The trouble is he will just get touchy, start and argument and walk out and I'll get 3 days of sarcastic texts till he contacts me again....

 

But I'll try my best to be strong and diplomatic.

 

Thanks so much for your good advice

xx

[TheFoglifter]

I disagree -- I think you are fighting a losing battle here.

 

I know from experience that it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to have any kind of "I don't feel you are doing enough" discussion that does not result in the scoreboard coming out. It is inevitable because of the accusation being made. One person says "you don't do enough" the other person needs to defend with a statement like "what about when I did A, B, C...".

 

Don't rehash the past, just deal with the future. You vilify the sports car because its an easy target, but you are not necessarily aware of the full picture. Maybe he has made cuts elsewhere to be able to afford the car (I bet right now you are thinking "yeah, he cuts back on paying for things for his girlfriend). Yet earlier on you said he has done big expensive things.

 

I understand how you feel because I have a similar relationship with my girlfriend, where she does big gestures for me once in a while, and I do little things for her over and over and over. You and I are in the same position as we feel we do more because what we do happens more frequently.

 

Perhaps some more communication is in order. I have heard legends of couples who work out who pays for what and when. I also noticed you said that he asks you to pay AFTER everything has been ordered. Perhaps you could start asking up front BEFORE EITHER of you order any drinks "do you have enough to pay for that". Make it clear BEFORE the orders are placed and NOT after that you don't want to pay.

 

The beauty of this strategy is that if you ask before its ordered (or as the waitress leaves the table) he'll probably be really really really flustered and surprised. If he lies and says he has money, and you ask "are you absolutely sure" and he lies again (which he probably will because he'll feel backed into a corner) then when its time to pay and he DOESN'T have the money, and he makes an excuse like "I thought I did", you can pull the "you lied" card and then not speak to him for a few days. This is extremely childish, but it wouldn't be practiced if it didn't work so well.

 

I do understand your frustration also that what started out as a nice gesture (you paying for him and saying its fine) has now become a chore. I empathize with you spot on here because I can identify many many many things I do for my gf that started out as nice treats, but now I can't seem to get away from them because I didn't say "not this time" or didn't ask for enough in return.

 

I think that you either have to make peace with the fact that this is who he is right now (who knows, maybe in a few years his salary will triple and then he'll pay for everything without being asked), or you can confront him and work something out, or this will be one of the many things you cite later as the reason you broke up.

[GEMMACHURCH]

He has the sports car, which I have always supported him having and he will pick me up sometimes and I don’t drive which is why I don’t mind paying for his drinks.

 

It’s when he suggests that we go out and then sits there downing drinks and actually asking me to buy him more that it bothers me. He always says “sorry I feel so terrible” but he continues to do it and I end up just getting him drinks and not even for myself.

 

He often gets rounds and realises he has ‘forgotten’ his bank card. Of course I jump in no questions. He promises to pay me back but has never done so.

I have also spent lots of money on him for birthdays/xmas. For my bday he got me a flat screen TV and goes on about how expensive it was.

But my sister thinks he got it just as much for himself as he sits and watches it when I go to work and I already had a tv and didn’t want another one.

 

He bought me a coat, but brought it up once when I was paying for everything one week so I gave him the money for it which he accepted on top of everything else.

 

He was moaning about his mother the other day and how she has ‘never done anything for him’ He has had a fortunate up- bringing, his parent bought him a car and he doesn’t pay rent. I have not been so fortunate and have been paying rent for years and I find it hard not to be resentful when this is the way he acts.

 

On valentines I guessed he wouldn’t get me anything and my friends laid heavy hints so that he might get me a card. That’s all I wanted from him.

But he went on about having no money and that he would take me out when he gets paid and gets all his commission (he gets bonuses on top of his salary)

 

He often says he is skint and then goes down the pub with friends or out clubbing with work. He tells me that he gets in for free and that they all pay for him. But I don’t know if this is true.

 

He is supposed to be taking me out tonight. (2nd time in one year)

Today he has called saying he wants to go out but “hasn’t got any money on him”

I know he is waiting for me to say that I will pay or that I will lend him money (which I always do)

But I know I will never get it back.

 

It is starting to make me feel worthless and like a doormat.

 

But I feel like its my fault as I encouraged it in the first place.

[FrancisHouseman]

OMG you have just recounted my previous relationship!! he is not called Daniel is he?! ha ha ha

 

My lord! we would go out and I would pay and he would say, "next week, we can get a nice chinese take away and some wine, my treat.." and then of course the week fter would come and he would say "oh my mum made a curry last night and there is loads left, so we can have that.." then i would say "what wine have you got?" and he would say "oh sorry, do you wanna pop t the shop while i warm this up" and of course i would nip to the shop with MY money and buy the wine.

 

what was supposed to be a treat to me was a warmed up left over and alcohol bought myself.

 

I used to get so hurt, because he would say things like "oh i went out with Paul the other night.. i was sooo drunk..."

 

then he started on the whole, how it cost him money to pick me up and petrol... so i would get two buses to his and he let me, he never said "No i will pick you up.."

 

im sorry but my story doesnt have a happy ending. Christmas came and i had spent a fortune on lots of presents that i knew he would love, stuff he had wanted as a kid, stuff he wanted now, things he had mentioned in passing and he got me a card that was out of a box of 30 for 50p, and a bottle of chea perfume that cost £12.99 in Bodycare!

 

I was devestated. Soon after that he told me, he wasnt inlove with me.

 

Looking back, it was so obvious that he wasnt, His behaviour was not that of a man inlove.

 

We are sometimes so blind by our love that we kinda see it, (because we moan to our friends about it) but we dont really see it, properly, we dont see because we are afraid.

[TheFoglifter]

... behaviour was not that of a man inlove."

 

Lets make sure that you feel this way because he didn't put much CARE into his gifts, not because he didn't put much MONEY into his gifts.

 

To the OP: when money gets mixed up with emotion, only heartache prevails. This is why mixing the two is so difficult. I know how difficult it is to deal with those who seem better off, but complain all the time. I have a friend who was very upset because one of his fun accounts dropped below $12,000. I haven't had that much cash on hand at one time in my LIFE!

 

I think you've already made your decision, so best of luck and my sympathies.

[FrancisHouseman]

... behaviour was not that of a man inlove."

 

Lets make sure that you feel this way because he didn't put much CARE into his gifts, not because he didn't put much MONEY into his gifts.

 

.

 

Yes, he had asked one of my friends what perfume i liked and she gave him a list and he got the cheapest.

 

My current boyfriend does things like, hunt down DVDs of old black and white films that you cant buy, films that i watched with my grandma as a child. financially they dont cost him fortunes but then he spends weeks trying to get the, to surprise me. He always gets me what i want, whether it cost a lot or not.

 

Gemma talks of the money, but its not just about money its the whole feeling of not being important enough, not mattering enough.

 

I know that sometimes women are given a hard time and men are quick to accuse us of being shallow and superficial and gold diggers.,. my boyfriend goes on about one of my friends all the time because she will accuse her boyfriend of being tight.

 

Its nothing to do with that. If you cant afford to eat out, then cook for us, that would make us far happier than going out for a restaurant and having to pay ourselves!

 

if you cant afford to buy some wine and get a take away for us, then dont go out on the p*ss with your mates all weekend, save money for us.

 

its the thoughtlessness that comes with having a tight boyfriend.

 

my current boyfriend is a student and hardly earns anything, but he budgets and saves and treats me. we pay equally even though i work full time and earn a good wage. Its an equal partnership.

 

When we moved in together, we opened a joint account and each month we put exactly the same amount of money in. to cover bills, food and treats for us. if we go out with our mates it comes out of the money that we keep in our separate curent accounts.

 

i remember saying to him "but i earn more than you, i can contribute more" he said "Dont be silly, its equal, everything 50/50"

[thlst3]

He's thoughtless and you're not. You need to take a stand and not give so much.

 

He's totally taking advantage of your kindness and situation.

 

He needs to change his ways or you need to lose him.

 

You guys been dating over a year so this could be his true colors.

 

Just my thought.