The casual meeting after 30 days

[kate111]

If you do no contact should you break it at any time or does it continue forever.

 

Some break up books advocate meeting them after 30 days. Has anyone ever tried this? What happened?

 

I'm not going to do it as I have too much pride I think but am just wondering.

[Wandering_Sword]

I think it all depends on how you feel after the allotted time. If you're still reeling from the breakup then there is no point. Also, what is being accomplished with meeting after 30 days? Reconciliation or closure?

[kate111]

Supposedly you can attract them back by having an approved appareance, and outlook on life.

[friscodj]

Hey kate-

 

The best advice I can give about your post here is to stay away from generalizations! Every situation is unique...30 minutes, 30 hours, 30 days, 30 years...it all depends...

 

So what do you want from this situation? Do want to put this behind you? Do you want to reconcile? Is there unfinished business between you two?

 

I ask since you posted this in the "Getting Back Together" forum but state your pride is the driving force behind your actions here...that concerns me a bit...

[kate111]

Perhaps it is more than just pride stopping me. I don't want to be hurt either.

 

Of course, like most dumpees I wish he would call and say those words....

but in the absense of them I have to move on.

 

Argh I feel so silly for trusting him completely.

[friscodj]

So do you want to get back together or do you want to move on? What words do you want to hear? And why do you feel silly for trusting him?

[Me and myself]

I was in NC for one month, my ex started to contact me, I told her not to 'cause she only want a friendship, went into NC again (one and a half week now) and I tell you...I don't know when I will be able to be near her again without feeling what I'm feeling now. I can tell you, when I feel ready I would like to start a relationship relation with her but I just don't know when that will happen....but I think it will take me a long, long time...

There are no rules for this...when you feel ready, you're ok. If not, why put yourself into a position that might hurt you?

[kate111]

I don't want to hear from him unless he says the words that he is sorry and made a mistake. I do not want to be friends. It would be too upsetting.

 

I feel silly for trusting him completely in the relationship and not seeing warning signs. The break up felt like total abandonment with no warning. I still have nightmares about it.

 

Apparently you CAN get to a healthier place in a few months and attract them back according to ebooks. But does it really work? Anyone tested it? Or are you just leaving yourself open to experience more pain? Is it better just to move on?

[friscodj]

So you want to attract someone back who abandoned you in light of multiple warning signs? And how is this attraction going to happen without communicating with him and doing so placing the constraint on such only hearing that he is sorry and made a mistake?

 

And even if he says he's sorry and made a mistake, so what? Look at what he did. Why do you want to go back to someone capable of that?

 

I agree, you are not ready for friendship right now and should let this one go 110%. Forget the ebooks and trying to find validation for your denial in such of the truth of this situation. This is done and for the better I think.

[kate111]

So you want to attract someone back who abandoned you in light of multiple warning signs? And how is this attraction going to happen without communicating with him and doing so placing the constraint on such only hearing that he is sorry and made a mistake?

 

And even if he says he's sorry and made a mistake, so what? Look at what he did. Why do you want to go back to someone capable of that?

 

I agree, you are not ready for friendship right now and should let this one go 110%. Forget the ebooks and trying to find validation for your denial in such of the truth of this situation. This is done and for the better I think.

 

But what did he do? The relationship was going downhill partly as a result of my own codependency. I wasn't seeing friends and was living through him. No wonder he wasn't happy and wanted out.

 

Maybe if I change for the better he will come back.

[Me and myself]

I feel silly for trusting him completely in the relationship and not seeing warning signs.

 

Well, I really understand you and I'm shure many of us here feel the same way and made the same "mistake".

 

Apparently you CAN get to a healthier place in a few months and attract them back according to ebooks. But does it really work? Anyone tested it? Or are you just leaving yourself open to experience more pain? Is it better just to move on?

 

There two way of moving on, from my point of view. One is to forget about the ex amd the relatonship without even look for what happened. You won't learn a thing this way, you just don't care or bother ('cause it's too painfull to look for yourself, perhaps). Another is to really look for what happened and take some conclusions about what happened This way you'll learn a lot about yourself and it will allow you to know what to improve on the next relationship.

If those books are correct or not, probably they are if you take the second.

I've choose this one for the first time in my life and I can tell you I'm leaving myself open to experience, not more pain, but to what comes next.

[kate111]

Well it's good you are able to move on and hope for a new experience.

 

Also, what do people think of that policy of agreeing with the other person? Ie agreeing for their reasons for break up etc to give them dou bts? Anyone actually pulled this off successfully?

 

I'm just doing no contact now to stop myself making mistakes. Most people beg and do the wrong thing in the first two days right?

[Wandering_Sword]

There's a lot of "maybe" and "if" being thrown around. How about working on the definite and that is yourself. Right now you know you need to take care of yourself first, so instead of dwelling on him and the relationship (which does not exist anymore) work on yourself. You have to get up every morning and deal with you, why not try and make it better for yourself. Disregard him and concentrate on you.

[kate111]

Yes you are right.

 

Hurry up and heal Kate! I just keep analysing things and seeing them in a new light.

[renaissancewoman101]

Kate, if you feel that you are doing better and in a better place, then maybe it is time to put out the feelers to meet him again. Sometimes it is better to try than to regret not trying and wondering if it could have worked out if you had put out feelers. You feel you are in a better place, where you are not so dependent on him, where you feel stronger and more confident.

 

Why not give it a whirl and see what is out there. Yeah, it will hurt if he doesnt respond in a positive way, but then you will have your answer and can move on permanently and leave him behind.

 

I am always the advocate of giving the dumper a second chance because who knows what can happen. People change their minds all the time. Sometimes it takes someone to break down the door of pride and ask for a second chance.

 

Let that be you. You may find that it is more than what you expected.

 

Have hope.

[HyruleGuardian]

No contact is hard. What I can tell you is stay strong, and if you feel you are ready to contact him again, go ahead.

 

My girlfriend just broke up with me a couple days ago and we haven't spoken for 2 days. It's been so tough on me but I know I have to live for myself right now. If she calls back, then that's great. But for the time being I'm going to live my life and try and move on.

[lady00]

But what did he do? The relationship was going downhill partly as a result of my own codependency. I wasn't seeing friends and was living through him. No wonder he wasn't happy and wanted out.

 

Maybe if I change for the better he will come back.

 

I think while it's important to recognize the mistakes you made in the relationship so that you won't repeat them, but try to stop beating yourself up so much and consider that even if you had not acted that way, the relationship still may have ended and you would find yourself looking for other reasons why it's your fault and probably not being able to find a satisfactory answer. Are you sure this is what was going through his mind? There could be a million factors that he may not even be able to articulate that changed his perception of the relationship. I know you say "partly" as a result of your codependency which is good because it means you're not putting all of the weight of the failure of the relationship on yourself. But the rest of what you're saying seems to indicate that you're putting way too much blame on yourself. Guilt-tripping yourself and thinking that you can "fix" what you did wrong may lead you to feel even worse about this. Instead, try to think of these things as things you would want to improve on for you and your future relationships. If it's with your ex then so be it. But don't change for him. Change for you.

 

Also, a certain degree of codependence is natural and to be expected in a long-term relationship. I am pretty sure married couples, for example, are often extremely codependent. It's not necessarily a bad thing and if it makes someone uncomfortable then maybe they feel it is not the right relationship for them and perhaps the person would gladly have such a level of codependence with someone whom they feel is right for them.

[in_love]

wasn't seeing friends and was living through him. No wonder he wasn't happy and wanted out.

 

 

wow! Thats what happened to me!

[rajorani]

But what did he do? The relationship was going downhill partly as a result of my own codependency. I wasn't seeing friends and was living through him. No wonder he wasn't happy and wanted out.

 

Maybe if I change for the better he will come back.

 

I totally know where you're coming from with this..this might be a lengthy reply post but bear with me.

 

Last march my ex left me after 2 years..we had lived together for one. My family is all in england and his is all here..i guess on some level i made him the centre of my world after we moved in together..i slowly stopped hanging out with my friends..stopped going to school..literally my life became waiting for him at home when he came home from work/school. Why? i guess i was just starved for attention..i missed my family a lot and just wanted to feel loved..what better way to feel loved than to get it from ur significant other right? or so i thought.

 

of course we broke up..my neediness was straining and it cracked at some point or another..then for 2 months we went back and forth..because whenever we'd break up i'd cry and cry and convince him that he should be with me. Then we'd get back together but obviously the previous problem still remained and he wud break up with me again. then finally last may i stopped trying. I was angry bitter upset..destroyed..he was my whole world and it took everything out of me toget my life back together. We didnt talk for 6 weeks..then randomly he started calling..i didnt answer the fone and he called all day..

 

Long story short - he wanted me back..he said all those great things we want our exes to say..and yes it felt very good. but rejecting him through all of his hysteria and crying and apologies was harder than i thought..not at the time..but afterwards...and then about 2 weeks later i was left feeling frustrated again that he hadnt tried AGAIN to get me back.

 

august went by with nothing..then it was after august..after a vacation that he went on that he started again..andt his time it went on till mid november..until i started seeing someone else that i was very very interested in.

 

My point is..we all say ''all i want is for him to say sorry and admit his mistake and then i will be ok''..

 

The validation is so temporary..you hvae to fix whatever insecurity it is that is within YOU that NEEDS this attention from him

 

It will never go away..and it will never be enough until you get to the root of your own stuff first. I know that deep down inside your hoping this 30 day reunion will spark some desire in him..he will fall at ur feet and tell u what a fool he is that he let go of a catch like you..and it might just happen..but u will feel like * * * * and be left wanting more after.

[lady00]

I think, oddly enough, being ready to try to reconcile requires a fair amount of indifference on your part as to whether or not it would work out. I think the idea is by that point you would be healed, confident and sure that while you like your ex, you could date many other people and are not hanging all of your hopes on things working out with your ex. I think you would have to get to the point you were at when you first met your ex, had no feelings, and were completely indifferent to him.