PLEASE HELP! (continued from a previous topic)

[Kanbi]

I once posted a topic a month ago where I discovered my dad looked at sex sites. I decided not to interfer and live life on, pretending I didn't know even though it still ate me away inside. Today, I decided to "check" on my father's computer if he was still going to such sites. I also decided to go further in my "investigation" by looking around the hard drive for any files that were related. What I found . . . . was a video with my dad having sex with another woman whom I have never met before. After that, I deleted all the files he had except for that video (since it required a password to trash that certain file). This whole day, I've been crying and it's eating me. I can't tell my mother this. I just can't do it. I had to pretend that I was watching a sad movie when she walked in on my crying in my room and as I continue to type this, I'm crying. I don't know what to do. And I don't know how I should feel. I didn't think things would be as bad as this. But it is. I'm really scared that my dad will leave my mom. My mom is working full-time and goes to school at night. Her salary is very low and it's actually my dad who supports the family. I don't want my mom and my little sister to suffer if my dad leaves. Eventually, he will find all his "files" deleted and he will know it's me. I'm the only one besides him in this house who know anything when it comes to computer. I know that there are many people out there facing far worse situations, but I really need help. I'm really confused.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Kanbi, what you need is to talk to an adult that you can trust. You're only fourteen, and this has got to be so incredibly hard for you to handle. Is there a counselor at your school that you can talk to about this experience, and your reactions to it?

[fnlyfrei]

Oh my gosh...and you are only 14....this is too much for you to handle on your own kiddo....you need to talk to an adult about what to do. This is waaay past overwhelming. I am sure if your dad knew about what you know..he would DIE. Maybe that is the shock he needs.

[eleanorrigby1]

I agree with the others you need to talk to an adult about this.

 

Im not saying that you aren't mature enough to deal with this because at 14 you aren't a little kid. This is going to be a hard time for you.

 

You don't want your dad to leave your mum because you don't want your family to suffer his mistakes. Would you prefer for them to stay together but for your dad to continue cheating on your mum?

 

I wouldn't be afraid that he found all his files deleted honey, he is going to be more frightened than you when he discovers that! he will be panicking about who found them.

 

You need to talk to someone outside of the family but who knows you, who can advise on what to do, you can't take on this burden by yourself.

[Kanbi]

Well, about talking to a school counselor. . . . . . I don't know if I could be comfortable with that since I don't know them. Actually, my family is pretty distant from our other relatives so I don't see them much. I'm not really close with them either.

[Spugly Fuglet]

hi Kanbi

ok you need to see that your in shock over this, right now it may seem like the end of the world at home and that its not fair you had to find this out, I'm with the others if you feel you can not handle this and don't won't to talk to a family member then you can see a councaler at school or evamn your docs.

 

but I'm going to say some things here which I feel may help.

 

Stop for a moment and have a clinical think about the things you know.

 

lets list them,

 

1: you farther looks at online sex sites

2: you found a home vid of some kind of your farther and a woman not your mouther in a sex act.

3 mum and dad are still togiver, and seem happy?

4: you know the above.

 

sounds odd 4, but the truth is you know and theres no going back, but what there is is how you face this, the truth is your farther may never won't this truth out, that his activities may be a secret he woulds to keep. You know his secret but you have to ask some things here, the coulds or maybes

 

Maybe your mother knows?

Maybe the woman in the films a hucker payed and the last thing your dad wonts is to brake up the family.

Maybe not.

What would mum say if I told her?

What would dad say when he sees his stuff missing.

What if I do nothing?

 

all this and much more is running throw your head, it would be mine, I would feel like I had done some thing wrong, like its all going to be my folt when and if this comes out.

 

The only thing I can think of now its the "I don't won't to talk about it root" its short term but will give you some brathing space to carm your self down, see some one in councaling, and get ready for the anger you will feel towards your farther for doing this and placeing you in this spot.

 

all this is grown up stuff, I really am sorry that at 14 you have had this dumbed on you.

 

but if I can give you any strength it would be this, your feelings thow pulling you about now can be controlled here and now is the place you start, how you act is may be the only thing yiu have controll over in this so use that power, find your center, see your feelings and understand them.

Don't let the actions of your farther harm you, he's done what he has done, you will feel

anger, betral, rage, giult, upset, sad, shocked, all will pass like waves on the sea, I know here and now that storm seems unstopabull but and saler will tell you by heading into the waves you can get throw, never forget that deep in you is the strength to get throw this, the storm will pass.

 

If your dad reacts to your del his files you don't have to talk yo him about this until your ready, a 3ed party ie councaler is a very good start if you feel like you do would to say some thing, they may offer to host that meet, acting as medeators, ask if you won't.

 

last of all if it gets to much at home please don't run away, have you got a gf you can stay with for a few nights that could give you the breathing spave to get over the inishal shock,

 

last of all there is here, post any time you need help day or night theres aways some one on.

 

at this moment in time remember rest and remember the worlds not going to end over this, things may or may not change but you need to think about yiur scanity 1st and well being 1st only then when your ready can you map out where you won't to go with what you have found out.

 

your spugly

[Kanbi]

Actually, my parents don't seem so happy with their marriage, yet they still stay together, probably for their children's sake. Still, the fact that he did those things still hurts me. So far he hasn't reacted so I'm not sure if he discovered the files were deleted.

[Kanbi]

Ok, it's been two weeks since anybody's given me their advice. Two weeks and I feel like my relation with my father is slipping. Everytime I see him, I can't help but hate him. I'm sure he knows why I've been acting this way by now. It's been two weeks and I haven't gotten over it. I'd really appreciate some advice.

[Kalika]

Kanbi,

 

I had a similar experience with my parents, around the age you are now, and I can totally understand where you're coming from. You're in a difficult position, so I'm going to level with you.

 

Given the circumstances of what you have seen, I think you need to tell your mother what you saw. It's possible that your father has deleted the video on the computer, if he suspects you saw it. Either way, your mother's health is the most important thing to consider right now. Your mom needs to be checked out by a doctor before she gets physically hurt by this cheating.

 

She may or may not decide to leave your dad, but if she does, that isn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. What your dad did was wrong.

 

I don't think this is one of those situations where you shouldn't say anything, because in this case, your mother's physical health is at risk. However, it might make a difference whom she hears it from. If she has a good, close friend you can tell, it might be better to discuss this with that person. Someone who will keep it confidential, and can be there for her, adult to adult, to discuss it with her.

 

And feel free to PM me if you want.