OMG--please give me some advice on this

[spunkmaster]

Hi all, thanks for taking the time to read this!

 

I just got home from class and stuff, and jumped on the computer to check my email, and without realizing it, ended up in my fiancee's inbox. Before I realized my mistake, I noticed he had some pics sent to him from a phone number I didn't know...they were of a random girl showing the camera her boobs. So I *67 and call the number, it goes into voicemail, but it was definitely HIS voice. I didn't leave a message, but went back to the inbox and there was a confirmation email for a website called affairfinder or something like that. We've been dating over a year, and an incident somewhat like this has cropped up in the past. We just got engaged earlier this month, and I really don't know what to think.

 

It doesn't help that he's bi-polar, and unmedicated. Or that he's a truck driver and is gone all week for work. I've noticed that things have been a little off between us lately, and I wasn't too sure why. I don't know how to confront him about this either, except that it should be face to face, but I don't know how to bring it up. He's also a fairly decent liar...except when he's drunk, supposedly. Another odd thing--every time we get in a major fight (which granted, isn't that often) he always tries to break things off.

 

We always promised each other that if either of us wanted to cheat, we'd just tell the other and break it off. We've both been cheated on before...or at least, I have. This just kinda makes me question everything...and I'm so freaked out, I don't know what to do...

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[EvaGina]

were there any messages with the boobs?

any indication of meeting up?

 

I say confront him, but do so in a CALM manner, if he instantly goes ballistic, then break it off... if he refuses to talk thorugh issues, then you cant really get that commited to him.

[isisastaria]

My main thought is...how is this okay in any way, shape, form, figment of imagination, other world, this world, your world? Have I made my point? How do you marry a guy who is getting pics of a girl's bare breasts? This is scandalous, girl.

[splashdown]

This is the easiest bit of advice to give so far on this board:

 

Leave him.

 

He's bi-polar and unmedicated, he drinks, he's getting pictures of boobs, he's going to a site called "affairfinder"...i mean, does it get any easier?

[caro33]

I don't understand this:

 

"I noticed he had some pics sent to him from a phone number I didn't know...they were of a random girl showing the camera her boobs. So I *67 and call the number, it goes into voicemail, but it was definitely HIS voice."

 

So he has sent himself some pictures of a girl? Perhaps it was just soft porn stuff he found and liked - are you sure these photos look intended for him and him only?

 

Having said that, the rest of what you have said is far more concerning.

 

- unmedicated bi-polar: why isn't he medicated?

- truck driver gone all week for work: so he has opportunity - is he good at staying in touch?

- things have been a little off lately: like what?

- he's also a fairly decent liar: hmm, like what?

- every time you get in a major fight he always tries to break things off: not good, you guys seem to need some help with communication and conflict management.

 

If you are going to marry him, how are these issues going to be resolved? No wonder you are uncomfortable. But this is a bigger issue than just one set of boobs sent. That phone number - did you realise he had another number? Do you know where it is? I could get really paranoid here and suggest he has another family somewhere - is that ridiculous?

 

And what is affairfinder - does it help people have no strings attached affairs? eek.

[addictedblue]

you've mentioned so many reasons to dump him i don't even know where to begin. you failed to mention any nice, good, positive things about him or his personality. could you tell us any of that? if that list is shorter than the huge list of negative things, don't mess up your life by marrying this guy.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Unmedicated bipolar, absent for a week at a time, going to a site called "affairfinder", drinks, and lies. You're 20, and that's very, very young to be tying your life to someone else's - much less someone with so many very negative qualities.

[ladyspirit]

The boobs ARE the message ( i.e. the medium is the message- ha)

 

Seriously, what ELSE is there to say? I swear, I must've found this website to help people get away from bipolars... I dated an unmedicated bipolar- see my thread. Oh my God: don't marry the guy!!! You are asking for trouble!!! Get out!!! This is serious....

[spunkmaster]

Ok...let me elaborate some: 90% of the time, he is an a-ma-zing guy, buys me small random gifts to tell me he loves me, calls several times a day to say hi, treats me AND my friends with respect, etc. The other 10% he gets in a bad mood and takes it out on everyone around him.

 

The reason he isn't medicated is because he's a truck driver and the meds make him tired, which impairs his ability to work.

 

He's not a heavy drinker at all, I didn't mean to make it sound that way at all. I've only ever seen him drunk twice, after over a year of dating. He doesn't go to bars anymore (or rarely at best) because he feels uncomfortable since I can't go with him.

 

He tells me all the time that he's living every guys dream--there aren't many guys his age who can say they're dating a college sorority girl. (he's 27)

 

He has two phones, which I already knew. I think the new number is for his other phone, which was recently disconnected for a few days b/c he was late on the payment. He used too many minutes on that phone talking to me, so he got another one on his mom's plane, who's with the same company as me, so we could talk all we wanted to for free. I have no idea if the photos were for him only, but in the background, it looks like his car, so I'm assuming it wasn't soft core porn he wanted to keep.

 

About things being off lately--it's like there's a big pink elephant standing in the room between us, but I don't know what it's there for, if that makes any sense at all. I can't exactly describe what's wrong. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have been really busy with school stuff on the weekends and we haven't been spending a lot of quality alone time together. Again, don't know if that makes sense the way I worded it, but that's the best way I can describe it.

 

About him being a liar--there are just stories that he's come up with that seem a bit too...out there. Like they're possible, but only in very extenuating circumstances. It's never anything serious, usually they're "true" stories meant to make me laugh, like "I ran into this guy at home depot wearing an 'ask me where it is pin' but he was missing an arm." (yeah, he told me that one)

 

We both agree that we are both lacking in the communication department. It's a continual problem for both of us, because we like to deal with our problems on our own, and not let anyone else in to help.

 

Yes, affair finder, from what I gather, is a website that helps married/committed people have "something on the side" (taken directly from their main page, check it out--it's quite ridiculous).

 

I'm not saying that any of this is okay, but I'm not really willing to throw more than a year down the toilet without knowing the whole story. I just don't even know how to begin to bring this up and talk to him about it. All I know is that I need to wait until he gets home.

[caro33]

Well I'm not suggesting you throw what you have away, but yes you need to raise this with him - the boobs and affairs site at the least. What you did to find this stuff sounds quite innocent, and it would seem sensible for you to find a quiet time to raise it with him when you next get to see him face to face.

 

You sound like you're comfortable with the other issues, and from what you've said they are not as close to the seriously concerning end of the spectrum as they might have been.

 

I guess the matter of how he manages being bi-polar takes some getting used to for you though - is it largely okay or a bit of a rollercoaster? Is there not anything that might help? Does driving a truck long hauls really suit someone who's bi-polar? But that's up to you and him.

 

You might not like getting a third person in to help you with communicating, but how about some other tool, like a self-help book for you guys to work through? There would be heaps of stuff out there that might help de-fuse difficult situations and assist you guys to talk about that elephant in the room. Maybe someone here can make a recommendation.

 

(BTW you didn't make him sound like a heavy drinker but the word "drunk" with the rest of what you wrote probably set off some triggers in people's minds).

[spunkmaster]

His bi-polar is sometimes hard to deal with. It's frustrating for me when he gets mad and pushes me away. I don't know how to help or what to do. I don't know if there's any other meds he could go on. He used to write to vent; I lately remembered this fact and bought him a very nice journal so he could take it up again to vent his "dark side" but I don't know if he's used it yet. (that was only last week)

 

Driving actually does suit him very well--he has a very restless spirit, and it suits him to be always on the go. It works well for both of us actually, b/c if he were here during the week, I'd want to be with him, rather than studying, etc. So him being home on the weekends makes that time all that much more special to us.

 

I don't know if he'd be willing to do the book, but I would try. I'm just so confused and hurt, and I want to know if there's more to the story than meets the eye...I'm just confused mostly. I thought things were going so well. Even he said things were great, and he's excited and misses me, etc. can't wait to get home every weekend.

 

He brought up a good point a few weeks ago (I have constant trust issues). He "doesn't have time to cheat, because he's gone all week in the truck, then comes home and spends every weekend with me." There's only been one weekend in the last 5 months when he didn't make it home, so it is a valid point. And he couldn't possibly pick up people during the week, he has pictures of us plastered all over, and it would be a pain to take them down and put them up every week.

[caro33]

Well keep cool for now, try and retain an open mind but also be prepared. Don't go believing anything one way or the other. But perhaps it might be a useful exercise for you to think now what it would take for him to say for you to feel 100% okay about the current problem. Work it out in your head, write it down, whatever works for you. Think of all the excuses and reasons he could come up with and try each one on for size - does it seem logical? is it the easiest answer? I think it's worth doing this so you can be prepared for anything. You don't want to ask him about this, get a bland reaction that you accept at the time but that drives you mad with questions a day later.

 

If it was me I would only accept:

 

- The pictures are just internet pics he downloaded and sent to himself. Maybe it's someone he went to school with and he wanted to show a friend (how's that for a rationalisation ). Maybe it's just some chick on the net and he liked her boobs. If you don't like that latter one of boob liking, you have the "I don't like you looking at other women" conversation.

- The affairfinder website was something a friend of his asked him to look up; his friend's wife is on there and he wants your guy to help him understand what's going on.

 

These rationalisations would then require some proof, or at least some heartfelt and genuine words from him. Any defensiveness or aggression would have me doubting him.

 

If the boobs were in fact taken in front of his truck - if they were boobs intended for him - the fancy footwork that would take for me to be happy is actually beyond my imagination.

 

What about you?

 

Hey is your avatar his licence? If so are the boobs a harmless play on the jugs thing?

[spunkmaster]

haha...the avatar is actually a friend's license plate! I just thought it was fun, and she didn't mind me posting it.

 

The pics look like they were taken in a vehicle...I can't say definitively it was HIS vehicle. Sad thing is, the pic was saved as a date...the date is the day after he proposed to me. I'm doing my best to keep an open mind and wait until he comes home to make any drastic decisions, but it's not going to be easy to pretend everything is ok when we talk. I wish it was Friday...

 

I honestly can't imagine what it would take for me to be ok with what he did. I do agree with what you said, I'm going to sit down and think of every possible reason he could have, and have questions ready.

 

Thanks for your helpful advice, Caro!

[caro33]

No worries spunkmaster (your name makes me smile )

 

I know this can't be easy for you, good luck. If it helps to run stuff by us come back and test some thoughts.

[valiantv]

I wouldn't worry too much about the boobs on their own... It could just be a porn pic... the truck thing might be coincidence (if it isn't, there's a problem!).

 

Affairfinder would worry me though... the fact that he subscribed to it (if he had just visited the website I wouldn't worry too much).

Just logged into link removed and it redirected me to a german porn site, so mightn't necessarily be about finding affairs! (Like link removed doesn't put children in touch with their estranged fathers...)

 

My favourite advice has been the one from one of the first posters to calmly confront him - you logged in accidentally (I presume he just left his settings on the computer or something) so you've nothing to be guilty about.

If he goes ballistic, that's it, if not then... well.. you still have a right to be suspicious. But I would say don't marry him any time soon anyway!

 

Let add one more possibility about the boobs thing, maybe he was at one of those "Girls behaving badly" kind of party things like you see on TV from New Orleans sometimes where women show their boobs to random strangers and he just managed to get a photo...

[spunkmaster]

the website was actually affairmatch. com

 

I've looked at the pics, and decided they are not in HIS vehicle, because there are two girls...one is a driver, the other a passenger...so maybe it was just some random "lot lizards" looking for action and he was stringing them along? I don't know, and I still really don't like that idea, but to me, it's better than the alternative.