Should I try again?

[blackjack_lover]

I don't know what to do at this point.

I've been dating my GF for 1 year. I met her after a LONG dry spell for me relationship-wise. It had been about five years between my last relationship and when I started to date her.

We are both in our early fifties, and own our own homes, and both have had our share of past relationships.

Anyway, for the most part it's been a good year, I love her, and things seemed to be headed in the right direction, us buying a house together.

Then one day out of the blue, to me anyway, she breaks up with me over something that was basically a misunderstanding. I waited a few days, called her or emailed her, and we patch things up and get back together.

The next time,... we go to Lake Tahoe for my son's wedding. The first night there was a dinner reception. My GF's a smoker and is on the shy side. She had never met most of my family, so she was brave, but uneasy. I'm busy saying hi and talking to my family. We got separated, and I wasn't there to introduce her to everyone. She seemed to be fine and have fun. The next day, she spends what I thought was too much time gambling. It's not my thing, plus I'm not a smoker, and the smoking in the casinos bother me, so I was anxious to leave and enjoy the rest of the lake's attractions in the morning before my son's wedding. That eveining, on the way to the wedding, we get into it a little about the gambling. Then half way through the reception she gets really upset about something and is ready to take a bus home. After this weekend she breaks up again, and again I talk to her after a few days of calming down time and we get back together.

The third time she broke up with me was right after Christmas. Christmas eve we went over to my daughter's house for dinner and present exchange. It was a nice day, during which my GF said she was ready to buy a house together. I was happy. Christmas day we head over to her brother's house to be with her family. She was uneasy because her mother was going to be there, and tensions were running very high over issues that happened months before and they had not talked since. Anyway, we ate dinner, then they all wanted to play cards. I'm not into cards, and had a hell of a sinus headache, so I layed down. She, and everyone else seemed fine with that. Later we open presents, me popping my sinus pills the whole time trying to get rid of my headache. On the drive home I could tell she was upset, so I tried to talk to her without much luck. We went back to her house. After her adult son packed up his stuff and went home, she blasted me with both barrels about how I didn't smile around her family, didn't join in their games, or help out after dinner(which I did do).

Anyway, I go home with her practically throwing all the gifts I gave her in my face saying once again it's over.

I emailed her brother saying I'm sorry if I seemed to be unsocial. He said he hadn't noticed I was out of it. In response to asking about my GF, he told me she had a history of breaking up with guys to get back together in a few weeks.

Once again we get back together till just after Valentines day, when she dumps me again.

Now, I do love her, but am getting tired of this trend.

 

A few notes to keep in mind.

1. She's on hormone replacement patches, so if she misses one, she gets moody, like PMS.

2. Things are great the rest of the time, and I can find only minor flaws with her other than her smoking, but she has resolved to quit.

 

So, what should I do?

I'm open to getting back together if we both got counceling, her for her commitment issues, me to learn how to communicate better.

What do you guys think???

 

Thanks!

[friscodj]

Hey blackjack_lover-

 

First things first here, why did you choose this username when you say gambling and cards aren't your thing?!?!?!

 

Anyway, onto more serious matters...

 

First of all, I am quite sure she did not break up with you "out of the blue" because of a "misundertsanding". No way. There was something else, something deeper going on she likely either never told you about or communicated to you in such a way you didn't understand. It is also likely she had been considering a break up for a while and this "misunderstanding" was the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back" and/or a convenient excuse for her to do what she had been fighting internally about for a while.

 

Then what happened was you essentially put a band-aid on the gunshot wound to the heart until that got saturated, fell off, she broke up with you again, wash, rinse, repeat...here you are...conditioned to such a pattern which makes gaining a clear perspective on what is going on here 100 times harder to achieve.

 

In short my friend, this thing was done before she "officially" broke up with you the first time. Your reconciliations did not reflect the deeper issues within the relationship and reason for her decision to end things being addressed. But at this point I am surely convinced this relationship and situation is long gone and it will only be more of the same should you continue here.

 

I know this because this pattern has essentially been my life for the past 10 years, the rollercoaster ride break up-get back together, ad nauseum, her history with all of this, her mood swings, etc. And I chased and chased and chased until I ended up in tears in a therapist's office who helped me come to these realizations about my pattern. I got wrapped up in her issues which exacerbated some of my own issues dealing with having to succeed, trying at all costs to make very obviously unhealthy and imbalanced relationships "work" like this.

 

Sometimes it takes taking a beat-down or two with situations like this to get your perspective in line. Hopefully clarity will come for you faster and easier. If you want to chase her, try to "win" (notice quotes) her back, "fix" yourself (again the quotes because there is likely nothing wrong with you, you guys aren't right for each other) there's no shame in that. We'll be here every step of the way my friend.

[ghost69]

i think she likes being free at times, but then loves to be with someone. it's like she loves the concept of having someone, but can't completely do it. she comes up with things to nit pick about to break up. she then is alone for a bit and realizes that she wants to try it again. it's a trend that i don't see being fixed. you should move on.

[blackjack_lover]

Friscodj,

First, my name is Jack, and blackjack was a nickname an ex boss gave me, and I added lover since this site is about love.

Your comment about breaking up over a misunderstanding was correct. I didn't go into details earlier for brevity sake. I went out to dinner with her, her female friend, and another couple. She invited me, and said at least once before dinner that she should pay because she invited me, and it was her friends. When the bill came she started to take out her wallet, and everyone else did too, so everyone payed their own way. On the way home she got more and more upset, and by the time we got to her place she handed me the key to my place and asked for hers back. She called me cheap. It seems her mother (whom she has real issues with) is wealthy but doesn't pay her part, etc...

So this time, our breakup was because of her issues with her mother more than issues with me. Do you see this differently now that you know more?

 

I agree with you about our relationship being in trouble due to deeper issues in her past that she hasn't resolved, and that maybe nothing I can do at this point will change anything.

I'm curious though about your situation, and can see a parallel. I know I put a lot of stock into my relationships, and pride in my ability to make them work. It's like, I'm a failure, in my eyes anyway, if it doesn't work out.

Sound familiar to you?

Thanks for your input.

Jack

 

Ghost,

That does seem to be her modus operandi, as that is how she was in past relationships too, per her brother! So, it seems you are right. You also hit the nail on the head about how she can't completely decide, one way or the other, if she wants or doesn't want a relationship.

 

Guys, this time it's the woman who won't commit.

 

I thought you guys would suggest I move on, and I think I'm about ready.

My heart is tired of being tugged this way and that, but I'm sure you both know that sometimes the good make us forget the bad.

 

If it hadn't taken me so long to find her, someone, heck anyone to love me, I might have said goodbye to her a long time ago.

Thanks

[friscodj]

I know I put a lot of stock into my relationships, and pride in my ability to make them work. It's like, I'm a failure, in my eyes anyway, if it doesn't work out.

Sound familiar to you?

 

Hey Jack-

 

All the details about the dinner, the check, etc. are all irrelevant, like scars on a dead body. The relationship was not on solid ground and the woman has a proven history of being a relationship flake. You weren't perfect either, but I think you have the necessary emotional core and are in an desirable emotional position to exercise such. It just doesn't sound like she has that, just like her last relationship and likely the next one. I believe you could have done everything right and the outcome, which really happened a while ago, would have still been the same, albeit delayed perhaps. In time, the house of cards would have collapsed no matter how many tubes of super glue you used on them.

 

The key phrases of everything you wrote here is what I highlighted above. In deep reality, this isn't even about a relationship anymore, it's about feeling like you failed and doing anything and everything to avoid the perception of such. This is the story of my life my friend. You asked for details about my similar "situation". Try similar situations.

 

It's how I'm wired and how I was raised. Overbearing parents expecting perfection, rewarding such and emotionally abusing otherwise with feelings of guilt, shame, anger, etc. Sure that upbringing has helped me succeed academically, professionally, and in sports but relationships are different. It took me about 15 years to realize that...relationships are not proper grounds to prove yourself and they are not missions to accomplish in doing such.

 

It's tough for a type-A personality to take this intellectual step, really and truly see and believe it. It took me several beat-downs like the one you have gone through and may be considering continuing to pursue to figure it out.

 

The fact is, albeit abstract, is the relationship only exists if both people truly desire to have a relationship under similar intentions and put real effort behind such towards this end. So if she wants out, the relationship is gone even if she is still "technically" still in it.

 

In your case, you didn't fail because there was nothing real at which to fail anyway. Your failure here is in your mind. You were shadow boxing with ghosts and/or demons for a long time, didn't even know it, and you still desire a knockout. Are you equating your grandiose efforts with giving this "relationship" value and importance? Is this really a penance for you, thinking you need to break more rocks on the emotional chain gang to pay your debt with your perceived failure here?

 

I've felt those feelings before. It took me reaching my breaking point with frustration with the lack of progress and impatience with the situation to really bust free. I needed to exhaust myself to feel like I put in the effort of 10 men before I could let it go to assuage my own issues. You may need to do the same and there is no shame in that.

 

In summary, I am 100% convinced this thing is all in your head and all about you and your issues at this point. She is long gone whether she flakes back to you temporarily or not.

[ghost69]

if it happens again, you should move on.

[blackjack_lover]

Friscodj,

Thanks for your words of wisdom, my friend.

Yes, she is a flake, I recognize that now. And I do agree, after reflecting on your words, that I need to, and can accept a draw against my "ghost", and not let it get me down that it wasn't a complete victory.

It may have sounded to you like I was beating a dead horse here. Not so!

I do know many of the things you just said, though I admit they may have slipped to the back of my mind for a short while. They are back where they should be now.

Yes, relationships require two people to be truly into it for it to work.

I know I can't make her want it, or change her mind if she's already mentally checked out.

You confirmed my feelings that it's time to move on and not let her get me down again,

Thanks!

[savoie]

i want to preface what i am about to say that i absolutely hate it when people use their hormones as an excuse for their behavior - because people abuse that excuse.

 

however, there are many men and women who are severly impacted by hormonal imbalances. men0pause can be emotionally and physically draining for all parties involved. if she is severly hormonally imbalanced - she can go from mania to tears and from anger to remorse in a matter of minutes. physically she can feel hot to the point she wants to peel every layer of clothing off of her and feel like jumping out of her skin the next.

 

i am no where near her age - but i have observed men0pause in many women.

the worst part about it is they really don't have a good handle on how to properly treat it. different women respond differently to various meds........and many treatments have even worse side effects.

 

combine that with attempting to quit smoking.......OY! while smoking is a terrible and unhealthy habit - it actually stimulates dopamine production - which gives one a feeling of well being. quitting will probably exagerate her behavior - for a while anyway.

 

i understand your frustration. she likely is a good person - when she isn't on her emotional rollercoaster. she probably hates it more than you do. are you aware of any other underlying medical problems with her - like bipolar disorder? that complicates things even more.

[ghost69]

flakes = dandruff. nobody likes dandruff.

[blackjack_lover]

... men0pause can be emotionally and physically draining for all parties involved. if she is severly hormonally imbalanced - she can go from mania to tears and from anger to remorse in a matter of minutes. physically she can feel hot to the point she wants to peel every layer of clothing off of her and feel like jumping out of her skin the next.

 

Savoie,

Thanks for your input! Yes, she is a good person. That's why I fell in love with her in the first place, dispite her smoking.

She told me she had a Hysterectomy years ago, and has a presciption for a patch that she should change twice a week, but I don't know what it is.

Since I didn't believe that any of the times she broke up with me were "dealbreakers" I suspected her mood swings as a possibile contributing factor.

 

are you aware of any other underlying medical problems with her - like bipolar disorder? that complicates things even more.

I've talked to another friend of mine, who has a medical background, that told me it was likely also.

 

So everyone; If either of these scenarios is correct, does that change anyone's advice????

 

though I don't know the cause of this issue, I know the effect, my pain. I know if I try to get her back, I'll probably suceed, since that's her history, even with past boyfriends.

Do I still want her, want to talk to her, have her..... yes

What can I say?

I hope I have the strength to keep refraining from contacting her.

[ghost69]

no. i'd still bail out. i'm sure she is a good person. but you shouldn't put yourself through this.

[savoie]

blackjack - well i am certainly no expert on either situation. but it isn't easy when imbalances come in to play. yes they can be treated with meds - but it can take a while to find the right meds - and not everyone wants to take them......potential for side effects too.

 

i am a firm believer that what you see is what you get and hoping someone will change will always lead you to disappointment. if you can accept her as she is - that is one thing. but if you are hoping for something else - let her go. she likely runs - because it is a preemptive strike. most people can't deal with a rollercoaster ride and she knows it.

 

very sad really.

[ghost69]

i really hate seeing good people holding onto crazy people because they feel they have to help them or whatever.