Desperate Vibe

[Dougie_D]

This question is mostly for the girls.

What are certain attributes to stay away from? So you don't look desperate.

At my age, I feel a lot of pressure in being in a relationship. Helpful hints would be nice. I think this is my main problem.

Thanks

[EvaGina]

I find that guys who make TOO MUCH eye contact are freaky

[friscodj]

I think you are seeking to trim the weeds in attempt to make them look pretty instead of ripping them out at the roots here my friend in that you are trying to address many, many specific effects instead of the underlying cause of the effects.

 

If you are not desperate you won't appear to be desperate. No sense in trying to hide the fact you perceive yourself to be desperate, work on the desperation and the effects will naturally follow. Otherwise, you are fighting a continuous uphill and laborious battle trying to hide yourself from other people. That's no way to live life in my opinion.

 

So why do you think you're desperate? Are you (forget what other people think) equating in some way your value and/or stature in society or among your friends/family with your relationship status? Do you feel you "need" a relationship and if so, why?

 

What about your life outside of relationships? How do you feel about it and yourself? What is keeping you from self-fulfillment outside of a relationship?

 

I think you should answer these questions for yourself and develop your own path to building a fulfilled life with which to share with a woman instead of seeking to make her the source of it. That is the root of your worries here I think.

 

Work on yourself, your body, your mind, your spirit, your life by doing things you truly enjoy and that make you feel alive and complete. Find and do these things amongst other people and you are bound to find a relationship with a solid basis.

 

Start by looking at your life right now, what you have in it versus what you don't have, and believe in yourself more on such a basis. This will likely take you to better places with your perceived problem here as well.

[Karhu]

I think friscodj pretty much said it.

 

a lot of people think that a relationship is all they need to fix all their life problems... if only they could somehow convince the perfect person to come and take care of them.

 

hence they get lonely and focus purely on that one goal of chasing what they perceive to be the right person. Despite it being a uphill battle, making them depressed and look desperate, and hence unattractive. If they ever do find someone, nobody with those standards is going to want to wait on them and serve them of they are falling apart at the seems. What’s in it for them? you just become a burden on them.

 

instead the best way is to forget about chasing girls etc. work on your life, get stuck into hobbies and enjoying life. you’ll get a lot more confidence, have a happier outlook in life (which is a big attraction). You’ll learn a lot more skills which will make you a lot more attractive. You’ll enjoy your life in the mean time. Work through all your emotional hurdles and become a complete person.

 

That type of person gives out the vibes that they are a interesting easy going person that enjoys life, and will naturally attract like minded people. how can you expect to get the perfect person if you don’t value yourself? By becoming a better person you’ll attract like minded people.

 

Forget about being desperate and chasing after girls, just work on self improvement and putting your life on track and then the right person will naturally be attracted to you.

 

It is not the two half’s making a whole; it should be more like two wholes uniting in harmony to create something bigger than the parts. Like the two wings of a bird, each slightly different, but of equal strength, supporting each other and flapping in unison it makes it possible for the bird to fly.

[ghost69]

relationships are a lot of work. someone that is already having a plate full of problems already, shouldn't be dating. why people tend to think someone else around is going to help is beyond me.

[blemished]

Frisco you said it, as usual!

[Dougie_D]

I honestly have a hard time enjoying things. The only thing I truly love is watching Charmed. I don't know why really.

I get annoyed with people too easy. They get too uninteresting at times. I want something different all the time. I think that's why I strive to be in different groups.

I'm neutral in about everything...not much opinion on anything. I don't care...seriously...I don't care about a lot of crap...maybe that's why I can get along with anyone. I listen what they say and go with it. Maybe I should be a judge?!

About my relationship. I kind of want a "sex"buddy. But sometimes I want a girlfriend... I don't know. I can't make descisions very well. I changed my major 5 times in college!

I have a fear of dying alone. I would like to cuddle with someone everynight.

That's probably the reason why I am desperate to get a girl. It hurts to be surrounded by people who are married, hooked up, or have been in a relationship before. They all have stories and I have none. They like to tease me too. It hurts even more when they never hook me up with their friends,...because behind my back, they hook someone else. A lot of times I think they feel sorry for me and that's why they even talk to me.

Thanks!

[friscodj]

Dougie_D-

 

You certainly said a lot in your post right here. There's a lot to what you said there.

 

The things that jump out at me are first of all the nucleus of this in that you have a fear of dying alone, you think your friends are your friends because they feel sorry for you, you have a hard time enjoying things, and you have never had a relationship before. I can sense there is a lot to this and I think talking to a professional face-to-face about these things be your best bet here.

 

It does seem to me like you desire a relationship to solve these problems and you do equate your value in some senses to your relationship status. I am also not following how you say you want something different all the time and strive to be in different groups yet you remain close to this group of friends that tease and hurt you?

 

Aside from that, what are some things you've always wanted to do, but never did them for whatever reason? What sports interest you? Does art or music interest you? Do you like to work with your hands, adventure, traveling? Something you think you could enjoy or something activity that intrigues you, even if you think you are incapable of of performing it?

 

I think if you expand your life outside of this set of friends and watching TV, a lot of these other problems will improve. I think essentially you need to find some motivation to do more exploring in life.

 

At any rate, I think your relationship issue is a result of other things going on with you and your life. Work on and get to a better place with those and I bet your relationship situation will follow suit.

 

And you can do it bro. Start small, don't get too attached to the process, keep your expectations realistic, just do it, and try to enjoy the ride.

[Dougie_D]

My parents tried to "trick" me into talking to a professional one-on-one. That was funny. I went with their "trick." I think the guy got pissed off. I don't appreciate liars. My parents thought I was depressed. I'm not a depressed person...just pissed that I am the way I am. I'm more embarrased than anything.

Now, here is the kicker. I was born with bad hearing. I used to wear hearing aids --- just imagine the crap I had to go through during my school years (all the way into 7th grade)--- I had an operation which allowed me to hear slightly better. Enough, that I didn't need hearing aids.

For some dumb reason, I decided to pick up guitar when I was like 11. I've been in bands...and I was the only one wearing ear plugs. I also got into recording...but when I went to college, (for recording!!!) I kind of got this feeling why I am doing this? I don't have the greatest ears in the world? So I changed my major...but I changed it 4 more times...I was clueless and indescisive.

Well, now...I'm not in a band anymore...And I've been freaking out for the past 4 years...because my hearing will occasionly get worse. That's one reason why I don't like going out. It kind of bothers me. Sometimes I think it's all in my head. I really do believe my mind has something to do with it. I'm way afraid to go an ear doctor. If I have to wearing hearing aids again I'll probably run off a bridge.

So, that's a reason why I don't like playing my guitar anymore. I'm terrified that I'll go deaf...and I am very envy of people who play music without ear plugs and have perfect hearing.

So... I really feel screwed sometimes. All my life people have made fun of me. That's all I know in life. I never take compliments...because I feel they are fake. I make fun of myself with others. It's in my nature. The hardest part is when...

I'm not talkative and observant. That's my TRUE SELF. People hate that... because they always think something is wrong...so I have to PRETEND to be:

Talkative, outgoing, and just annoying.

That's me in a nutshell.

[friscodj]

Dougie_D-

 

Your last post really speaks to me my friend, thank you for sharing some deep stuff with all of us here. I have in many senses felt some of the ways you describe and I hear all of what you are saying, every single word.

 

Your rendition of your life with regards to your hearing, the reception of others of such, and the resulting embarrassment ring close to home for me as I have felt the same ways and in many senses still do about the way I speak. I know very well the frustration with being limited in the performance of a seemingly simple task, e.g., speaking, hearing, etc.

 

I know how it feels during the developmental school years and how self-esteem issues can get deeply rooted in such experiences while you are near peak time in your development approaching adolescence.

 

And I hear you on the aids too. A few years ago a device was introduced to help people speak better who stutter and my parents bought me one. I'd rather run IV's of battery acid into my veins than wear that stupid thing.

 

And I also understand your resistance to speaking with professional counselors. I was this way for many years as well, just didn't want to let someone else in especially a stranger and a supposed "professional", didn't trust them, didn't think going would help, but interestingly started going and making progress due to the devastation following a break up which coincidentally brought me to ENA as well to do some exploring in my life, head, heart, and soul.

 

At any rate, your situation makes more sense to me than you can imagine. The things I really think you should do are:

 

1) I think you should look around and find a good professional who understands you and one you connect with. Not every therapist is going to work for you, there is always a level of chemistry between people, but maybe start looking. Give this experience an honest chance, not for your parents, not for your friends, but for you.

 

2) I think you should pursue guitar again. First, I would go see a doctor to make sure you won't go deaf. It will go a long way for towards you enjoyment of playing again to get it straight from a professional that you will be fine.

 

It makes sense; you had this condition which you resented, it got better, you found a passion in life, now the condition is perceptually coming back in your mind connected to this passion. This is overwhelming to you and I think disconnecting this perceived connection based on a professional medical assessment will in many senses "free" you of this conflict.

 

I understand your fear with this. What if the doctor says you are going deaf? What if he/she tells you no more guitar? This is a risk, but the alternative is living like you are now. Personally, I'd take the risk. There is continual development in the field of speech and hearing science, one I did research in for a few years. Chances are, whatever your hearing condition, it can be helped. The medical advancements have far surpassed those when you had your first operation.

 

Plus, a lot of musicians wear earplugs. I don't see the shame in wearing them, especially if it means the difference between pursuit or release of a passion in your life.

 

3) If it turns out you can't perform/have lost passion for music, find something else to fill the role of an escape in your life. Perhaps visual arts? And address the list I posted earlier, about challenging yourself physically, traveling, etc. Make the decision to explore life and go find more things you enjoy. This is entirely within your control to do so.

 

I see a lot of turmoil and change in your life and I think a stable and dependable escape like this will be huge for your progress here. For me, extreme sports provide a channel for my frustration, anger, like taking the demons out on a walk and daily feeding. Music can definitely be the same for you, as can numerous other activities in life.

 

4) Be yourself and be comfortable being yourself. You don't have to pretend to be anything. You might try explaining to them why you aren't talkative or observant. Is it because of your hearing? At any rate, tell them nothing is wrong. You don't have to be talkative, outgoing, and annoying. If you're not, you're not, so don't pretend to be.

 

But I do think once you dig in and address the issues I talked about above, your social outlook and perception will improve. I know it's scary, it's a change, it's a risk. I mean, you might be avoiding these topics because right now you find comfort in knowing you could pursue them and convince yourself of an illusion of comfort in the potential for improvement but if you actually start going down this path, it will take work, it will take frustration, and may not work for you now have nothing left to pursue, no more potential.

 

But these steps will work for you. It is not an easy pursuit nor should it be. The pursuit will add value to the outcome. It did for me and it will for you as well. Give it a shot, you can do it. I'm serious. I really believe you can do it.

 

At any rate, your past is part of you and always will be. It's not going to go away, but it can be directed and used for productive means. I think that is the angle you should take with this.