Controlling Behavior

[lonelyandblue]

I have a "good" friend. But it has come to the point where even if I am ill, she will come over for hours, answer my phone, talk to my friends on IM, etc. When she talks to some people on my IM she confuses them when she says hello I am a friend of XXX, ..... I am a private person and independent. I can't take the constant phone calls etc. I am a quiet, considerate person who has a hard time w/confrentation or standing up for myself. Now she is a good person, but I seem to attract controlling people? Would there be any way to confront her about these things and keep the friendship? Or should I sever the whole thing so I can be "free" again.

[luvmykids]

Im in no position to give advice here given my own situation but it seems to me she has taken over your life...Does she have one of her own?

[lonelyandblue]

I am guessing not. You would think so given that she has a husband and a kid. But I've had enough of her having my life. I want my own back.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Don't let her in your house.

 

When she comes over tell her its a bad time and close the door.

[robowarrior]

Read 'doormat' you immediately need to learn to say ' STOP to here and no further'

 

Change your password, no more automatic login, if she complains say' oh just use your own account'

 

Yeah its not all that friendly but you have your own personality, your own space. I had to throw out a friend who became too intrusive, who wanted to forfill the role of the lost son that my dad never had. Ok,I am the real son i have to stand up for what i stand for namely my own role in life as the actual son. I might not be ideal but i am the real son.

 

Relationships are always about being together but still letting eachother being able to do their own thing. You will have to confront and reclaim that ' own thing' of yours which you definitly have lost.

[blender]

unfortunately some people are just "toxic" this way, when combined with a passive person like yourself.. don't confuse "wanting to be kind to her" with "pretending to be okay with behavior that is "controlling".. because your INSTINCTS are so right about this, some "friends" actually feel empowered when our lives are "down or sad"..it's weird and unhealthy to have these 'types" around, it grows into a "dependence" and it also proves to be exhausting, and emotionally draining, so step one is to: no longer ask her for anything, at all.. do not initiate any contact with her, do not invite her over, if she calls be "busy", and if she finally confronts you about "why" she is not so "in your life" right now, then kindly say: "I'm working on some of my own issues, and I need some space, sorry but I just can't handle spending time with you right now, please respect that I'm going through my own "issues' right now and would appreciate some time on my own."

 

Then hopefully she will eventually disappear because she's not getting the "usual response/fix" from you that she is so "addicted to" right now.. just "break your side of the pattern".. and she will find someone else to "feed off of".. ugh..sorry you're going through this..

[luvmykids]

WOW Blender,

that is some good advice...even works for my situation.

 

Lonely,

are you male or female? Not that it makes much difference, but if you are a single female she might be trying to live single life through you if she is married with kids and possibly unhappy? just a thought.

[ghost69]

you need to quit saying, "sure come on in". she seems to be coming over with the anticipation/assumption that you are letting her in. which obviously you have been doing. she is using your place to probably get away from her husband and kids or what not. it's her free place. she needs to get a laptop and go to a coffeeshop on her own time and let you have some peace to yourself.

[TheFoglifter]

Next time you are sick, take a moment to cough on the keyboard, and exhale forcefully on as many surfaces as she will touch. Hopefully she will contract whatever illness you have, and you'll get a few days to yourself

 

Seriously though, if she really is a friend, then you'd do a lot better as soon as possible to draw the line. Some damage has already been done, in that you have kind of led her on, however unintentionally. You can mitigate future damages by being up front.

[ghost69]

just yell through the door that you locked yourself in and you can't find the key. then crank up the music and dance about cause she is outside listening. lol

[blender]

Whatever you do, be kind, classy and firm.. again just change YOUR part of this "pattern between you two" and she will get the message, and if she does not, then you can say what I suggested earlier, "that you are working on some of your own "issues" and need some space, and you hope she can respect this".

[ghost69]

that is a good one