Boyfriend not sure about kids in the future

[Vanitee]

So, i'm new to ENA but thought I'd throw this out there to solicit some advice.

 

I've been with my bf for 3 years. We have discussed marriage and kids on and off throughout our relationship. In the beginning, we both wanted kids. When we talked about kids more recently he has expressed that he's not positive that he wants to have kids. I'm 29 and am beginning to have strong feelings about wanting a family. He isn't experiencing that same urge about having kids. I know he has some concerns about giving up things we enjoy if we have kids. And i know he wants to feel positive about it before going into it.

 

My question is, do guys experience a strong urge to have a family the way women do? If not, how do they know when they're ready to have a family? What is the though progression and is there anything a girlfriend can do to help facilitate it?

 

Also, how do I decide how long to wait for him to make up his mind when it is a definate in mine? I know he will be a wonderful father if he choses to do so.

[melrich]

Generally I don't think men are as in tune as women with what is involved in having a baby. I think this often translates to a lot of fear about what it all means and a concern about the burden of responsibility.

 

The best thing I can advise is to continue to talk about it. Let him know that you do have some understanding of where he is coming from but be equally firm about what your life goals are in terms of having children.

 

Often men want to be told that their fears are exaggerated and that you will help them through everything. I know personally I followed my partner around like a little puppy with our first. I had bnever been so scared in all my life.

[shikashika]

A friend of mine who is exactly your age says the same thing about her boyfriend.

 

To be perfectly honest.. I dont' see it as a red flag.. but as a black flag.

 

I would not wait around at all hoping he will change his mind one day.. especially if this is something you really want.. You don't want him 'letting' you have kids when he doesn't really want one. Would you really want the father of your/his children to only be a father because he 'kinda' wanted to have kids?

 

i know I sure wouldn't

 

Also, i would only want to have kids with a person who wanted to have kids as well

 

It sounds like you are saying" How can I change him to want kids?

 

That to me sounds very dangerous!

[Leonhart]

To answer your question: I am a male, and I would like nothing more than to have a wife and children at some point in the future. The idea of having children to raise sounds wonderful.

 

I've heard such a sentiment isn't that unique either. So there are other men who DO really want kids and a family! Hope that helps.

 

Also, I think the poster above me is dead on correct. Even though I'm a guy, if I were dating someone and I learned she did NOT want to have kids, I would have no second thoughts about ending the relationship. It's too important to me to ignore. And I know I canot change anyone else's mind on it either, nor do I want to.

[shikashika]

I agree Wilhelm.. even if I was only in the beginning stages of a relationship..I would not be with anyone who did not want kids...

[Hayles]

I will say this - Both my partner and I have a son each to previos relationships. We have talked about the possibility of children together in the future - this is something we can not commit to as I may not be able to have any more children. This breaks my partners heart. He will even be coming to my next doctor appointment to speak specifically with the doc about this matter. I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me and will stay with me regardless of the result, but I also know that havig another child with me means the world to him. He has even been the one to suggest and research alternative options such as surrogacy if indeed I am told I can not carry again.

There are men out there that long for children - and having a child is not something you should leave to someone else to decide... if you want this, and you don't do it, you will regret it always. Tell him how important it is to you, it should not be up to another human being whether or not you have a child.

[shikashika]

Hayles... I know this may be a sensitive topic.. so forgive me if this sounds rude..

But I think there is quite a difference in being with someone who does not WANT to have children, rather than someone who CANNOT have children

 

You already have a child..as does he...

 

As I'm a person who does not have children.. and someone who wants to have children..I know I could not be with someone who does not want to.. If I'm with a guy and we find out that he or I cannot physically have a child.. I think that is a different matter

[Hayles]

This I do understand, however, I was answering in relation to the question about whether or not men have a strong urge to have children... I was trying to instill faith that yes, they do, perhaps she is just with the wrong one - maybe she can get out and find someone with the same values and needs as her... because men who want families really do exist... and I thought that perhaps my example would show that - however it seems I did not accomplish this!

[shikashika]

ha ha.. no Hayles I understood you.. I think I was just going off on a tangent

[Vanitee]

Thank you all for your responses!

 

It's not that he knows he doesn't want to have kids but rather he doesn't feel it right now, which I'm ok with. However, I do want to have them in the future (3+ years from now) but he isn't positive that he will feel that way then - even though it is something he has wanted in the past.

 

I certainly agree that I don't want to change him into what i want. However, since he is undecided on this topic ... is there anything I can do, questions I can ask to help he and I understand this better.

[shikashika]

What reasons has he given for not wanting kids ( aside from that it is taking away from his 'fun' time?)

Is it financial worry? Worry that he wont' be a good father?

 

hmnnn.. if I were you and you KNOW you want kids.. I wouldn't want to wait 3+ years to see if he changes his mind... What if he doesn't? Then you will have spent 6 years with someone who was always clear that he didn't really want children?

[puppy]

Hi

 

I wanted to throw in my 2 cent on this topic. In the past, I've fallen in love with a girl who doesn't want to have kids, whereas I love kids very much. To cut the story short, I wouldn't wait for the person to change or wanting to have kids, as time is short and the risk of having kids in later age is not good.

 

Forward a few years later, we broken up (partly this reason) and currently I'm now with a new woman who not only love kids, but is compatible to me.

 

Good luck in your hard and possible sad decision. Speaking from experience!

[ghost69]

i think pressuring him will make it worse. this will not improve his thoughts to be positive.

 

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