I think Im in trouble.....

[PharmD]

I'll keep this short.

There is this girl in my class that I really liked since last semester. This past month we have been hanging more and I even *cough * sailed the submarine home...

 

Thing is I don't think I have the same feelings for this girl like I thought I did. She has been coming on too strong and it scares me. I also don't want to make it awkward at school since we take all the same classes. Finally, she reminds me of my ex in too many ways. This is interracial to.

 

My question is, how do I handle telling her that this is risky and shes coming on too strong. Do I just lay it thick?

 

opinions and criticisms are welcome.

[Hayles]

I think you just let her down gently - but honestly. Let her know you need to cool things a little.

[bighair]

Does the submarine sailing mean you had sex with her? Sorry...not familiar with this euphamism. So, when did you decide your feelings for her weren't that strong? Before or after you were physically intimate? She is coming on strong to you because you two have had sex and she thinks you have feelings for her. Why does it scare you that she is showing her affection for you?

 

I'm sorry for laying into you like this and asking tough questions. But, as a woman, I've been on the other side of this. I become physically intimate with a man, and he pulls back because he is scared...scared of intimacy, commitment, going to fast, it's too intense.

 

So, if I were you, I"d take responsibility for your part in all of this. You like her, you pursued her, you had sex with her and now you've changed your mind about her because you are scared of a commitment. So, own your part in this, and expect her to be pissed off. This girl likes you and you led her to believe the feelings were mutual.

 

Finally, I'd do some serious soul searching. Are you only interested in the pursuit of a woman? Is a woman less attractive to you when she shows interest? Does the intimacy of sex frighten you?

 

Like I said, sorry to be so heavy handed but you wanted honesty, right?

[heloladies21]

and I even *cough * sailed the submarine home...

lol...nice

 

Well I know I'm gonna get some flack for this, but I had to do something similar with an ex who went psycho on me. I could've gotten mad and had the harsh feelings for her, but where would that have gotten me? Dirty looks when I see her out and possibly a beating from her new bf or his crew? No thanks, so I swallowed my pride and did all the textbook things to make a girl not interested. I showed her every single one of the characteristics that make women lose attraction. I acted needy, no self confidence, fake personality, not funny jokes. I basically got it to the point in only a few conversations that she ended up dumping me without hating me.

 

This way no broken heart, no problems for me. She went on to find some guy who she's very happy with and all I get is a smile and a wave when I see her.

[v8vachon]

I'll keep this short.

This is interracial to.

 

what is THAT supposed to mean?

[bighair]

lol...nice

 

Well I know I'm gonna get some flack for this, but I had to do something similar with an ex who went psycho on me

 

 

 

 

This way no broken heart, no problems for me. She went on to find some guy who she's very happy with and all I get is a smile and a wave when I see her.

 

HOw did she go psycho on you?

 

I don't think you really cared about her heart. You behaved this way because you couldn't handle having a conflict with her. You didn't want the "scene." The questions, the crying, the point in a relationship where you have to be authentic and honest and own it.

[annie24]

yeah, that's pretty low! well, it happens, a lot of guys do that, start acting like jerks so that the women dump them and they don't have to be the bad guy and tell them, "I just don't feel that way about you."

 

oh well, what's done is done. this isn't the first time in history this has ever happened - guy meets girl, guy pursues girl, girl gives in, guy loses interest. for some people, they get off on the thrill of the chase, and once the "submarine has docked" or whatever the chase is over and game over!

 

Is she really so bad you just can't feel it for her anymore? if you think about it for a while, and your answer is still 'yes' then break it off with her.

 

This is pretty much the reason i have a "4 month rule."

[annie24]

what is THAT supposed to mean?

 

I don't think the OP meant it in a negative way, that she is not of the same race. just that an interracial relationship can be challenging, depending on where you live, and even more so if you don't have any interest in continuing to see that person!

[heloladies21]

well, it happens, a lot of guys do that, start acting like jerks so that the women dump them and they don't have to be the bad guy and tell them, "I just don't feel that way about you."

Not mean though, I never acted like a jerk. That would promote the harsh felings I'm trying to avoid.

 

I just acted like a chump who didn't have lots of experience with women. Some naive, insecure guy, never stick up for myself.

 

This really is a more humane way though. Think about it, if I dumped her she would've had a broken heart and suffered for some time, but this way she was able to move on instantly. If I had to, I would do it this way again.

[heloladies21]

You behaved this way because you couldn't handle having a conflict with her. You didn't want the "scene." The questions, the crying, the point in a relationship where you have to be authentic and honest and own it.

That was the whole point, to avoid the conflict and harsh feelings.

[annie24]

ah, sorry, I misread that just a chump yeah, I can see why you did what you did.... but it can go horribly bad if she is a super patient type of girl and puts up with a lot of crap! as you can see on these threads, some people stay in crappy relationships for months and years!!! (Makes me wonder if that is in fact, why the bf or gf is acting like that - to make the other person break up with them!!!)you are lucky she had a low tolerance.

[bighair]

Not mean though, I never acted like a jerk. That would promote the harsh felings I'm trying to avoid.

 

I just acted like a chump who didn't have lots of experience with women. Some naive, insecure guy, never stick up for myself.

 

This really is a more humane way though. Think about it, if I dumped her she would've had a broken heart and suffered for some time, but this way she was able to move on instantly. If I had to, I would do it this way again.

 

I think there is a way to break up with someone so as not to hurt them terribly. But, I disagree with you that you put her out of her misery. You weren't honest with her or with yourself. So, again, you didn't this for her. You did it so you could way away without feeling guilty.

[heloladies21]

Oh trust me, I was VERY convincing lol

[bighair]

That was the whole point, to avoid the conflict and harsh feelings.

 

Yeah...but it's a break up. There are always hard feelings. You avoided the conflict to protect yourself. I think you justify your behavior by telling yourself you were doing it to protect her. Why not just be honest with someone? It's hard to say, it's hard to hear. But, people end up staying in relationships for a long time, wasting their precious time, because their partners hate conflict and don't want to be up front about their own feelings.

 

So, why not try to be authentic in your relationships? Don't you want the woman in your life to be up front with you? Or, you'd like her to do what you did....behave badly to the point you break up with her. Come on, it's so lame and immature.

[PharmD]

heloladies.....you are stealing my 15 minutes of fame over here. I need attention to!!! Ok back to my ??? I appreciate the honesty of those that posted.

 

what is THAT supposed to mean?

 

it means I will not bore you with a long story and that she is of a different race than I am.....

 

Does the submarine sailing mean you had sex with her? Sorry...not familiar with this euphamism

yes that is what it means. Here are a few more for whatever's sake

 

The Horizontal Bop

Tube Snake Boogey

Laying pipe

Banging the gong

Ditch diggin'

Doing the laundry

 

and of course harpooning.

 

On a serious note, she is an intelligent girl, nice personality has good friends and Im genuinely attracted to her. The thing that scares me is that it feels like Im doing it all over again with my ex.......she gave me a heart condition early last year.

 

Im also worried that if I start things with her and they don't work out, its going to be awkward in class yet professionalism and respect for your classmates is paramount in my class.

 

Like mentioned before....Im open to all ideas and criticisms.

[annie24]

On a serious note, she is an intelligent girl, nice personality has good friends and Im genuinely attracted to her. The thing that scares me is that it feels like Im doing it all over again with my ex.......she gave me a heart condition early last year.

 

Im also worried that if I start things with her and they don't work out, its going to be awkward in class yet professionalism and respect for your classmates is paramount in my class.

 

so is it that you are turned off by her, or you are just afraid what would happen if things didn't work out? because those are two different things!

 

you don't have to be 100% sure at this stage that this is the woman for you. that's what dating is all about - getting to know one another. there is a very good book, "mars and venus on a date." the author makes a really good point, sometimes at an early stage, one person could feel, "oh, what if I am not the one for her? she seems to like me, but I am not so sure. maybe I should just break it off now so i won't hurt her later." and the author says that is a mistake. you should take the chance and get to know each other. then if you are SURE she is not the one for you, then break it off. but if you are still unsure, give things a shot.

 

it sounds like right now, FEAR is driving your decision making process and that is not how it should be.

[heloladies21]

Oh my man, sorry just trying to show you my way of handling your kind of situation. Hopefully you got something out of it.