I really need some help, any encouarging words

[fearofmars]

Im a 19 yr old male. I dated the girl im living with for about 6 months. Shes 24 and has a 1 yr old baby. I really got in over my head. I had never been in a relationship and was lonely all the time and she gave me affection and was persistent to date me. I gave in. A lot of drama has been caused by the relationship; my mom and her cussing each other out over me moving in with her being one. I moved in to help her out because she is in debt and she needed to get out of the dumpy apartments she was living in. After about a month into the relationship she started getting an attitude with me and started becoming controling. She gets mad when ever I go some where. She doesn't like it when im talk to anyone on the phone (however she talks to anyone she wants). When ever I want to see my mom or my brother she really doesnt like it. She doesnt really have anyone and she is very jealous of me. I finally had enough of it about 3 weeks ago and broke up with her. She put me through hell when I broke it off for about a week(crying and making me feel like a bad person).

 

Im so frustrated and I just want to move back home and go back to college. I had to drop out of college to get a job and help with rent. Im young and didnt know anything about credit or life in general. My name is head of household on the lease so Im not sure how much it costs to break the lease and I also dont want to break it and her get kicked out, but she has said a few times that when I move out (told her I was moving out soon) she will pack her stuff and leave without letting me know so it would ruin my credit. But she was talking in anger also so I dont think she would do that. Im so lost. I wish I could give her 3000 and move out and be done with it. I have a feeling that something bad is going to happen if I dont leave soon. Please, any help-it would mean more to me than you know.

[southerngirl]

For starters... go to the office (landlord) at the apartment and ask them about breaking the lease. Let them know you would like to move out, its possible they could allow you to pay a fee and then you wouldnt be responsible after that.

 

Also, do not allow her to control you... she may have 'no one' because of how she treats people. Is the childs father involved? Just from what you said and me not knowing both sides of the story she could have saw you as a way to get a free ride....

 

You need to get yourself back into school. Don't sacrifice your future like that. Make sure if you have sex you use protection each and every time. You do not want to father a child right now from the sounds of it.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey fearofmars - Welcome to ENA!!

 

I'm very sorry to hear of your predicament.

 

I think you should just leave. As you've said, you're 19. Its not going to ruin your credit rating that badly. Maybe you could just move back in with your family, leaving your ex there until she decides what she wants to do. If she DOES move out, then you can move back in and finish out the lease. Maybe get a roommate if you need to.

 

If she DOES'NT move out, let HER finish out the lease.

 

Someone really famous once said something about no one being able to make you feel any particular way without your permission. Meaning, she can't MAKE you feel like a bad person. Only you can. She can say whatever she wants. Who cares what she thinks of you. What do YOU think.

 

Keep posting, OK?

[fearofmars]

Thank you so much for replying. No the father is not involved. She had been living with her ex-boyfriend of six years before she got with me. They thought he was the father but when she went for child support he got a paternity test and turned out not to be. She knows who the real father is but he is married with two kids and she says shes not going to ask him for any money. Im so frustrated because I cant work and I cant go to school living under such stress. I cant sleep at night because im so mad at myself for getting in this situation. She always hints around about her son; "he loves you to death", "he needs a father". Im only 19 and I dont understand what she is thinking. She is very unreasonable. She gets jealous when I mention that im moving in with my mom, she says im a grown man and ill never get anywhere living with mommy. Its just hard because I feel so sorry for her and what she has been through. Im trying. She also keeps coming on to me even though we are through and im moving out. She is so dependent on me and says she is terrified to live by herself. I just cant handle all this and she doesnt understand, and she refuses to understand. I think she knows how afraid I am of being judged by someone as a bad person and how bad it hurts me to let people down and she uses that against me.

 

Do you or anyones else know how much of a fee it normally is to break a lease? Would she also be able to sign a new lease? Im afraid to talk to my landlord right now cause im afraid my landlord would talk to my ex and ask her about me moving out and taking my name off the lease.

[Beec]

First welcome to enotalone. Stick around.

 

OK, you live with her and her child and want to mvoe out and go back to college. Part of me says good. It soudns very much like she paid you attention to get you in there, then after that treated you like crap. I don't see a lot of respect between you. That does not mean this could not work, though either.

 

Now, how do you make that happen. Well, if you want to get out of the lease, you need to figure out how. Read the lease before you do anything else. Know what it says. Next think about speaking to the landlord, ask him/her/it the terms under which you could be let out of the lease. If the landlord will take some money from you and release you from the lease, that may be a good way out. I don't see this happening before the March rent it due. If that fails, how long is the lease for?

 

Third, her controlling behavior only gets to control you if you let it. If she cries and calls you awful, it does not make you awful, and if it controls, it does so because you let it. If she screams all day and you don't let it change wht you think or do, then it cannot control you. Her control of you only exists when you let it exist. So, next time she screams when you speak to your family, then let her scream, look at her calmly the whole time, and at the end, ask her, "You're really mad at me for talkign to my mother?" And when she says yes, tell her she should do something about her anger management problems. Or just you remain calm, and do not let her anger change what you do.

 

Finally, got to your mother, tell her you know you made a mistake and that you will be working to get YOURSELF out of it.

[fearofmars]

Thank you for all the replys. My mom is helping me, she is trying to get me out of this mess. She doesn't know exactly what I should do. If I move out I would still give her half the rent for a few months until the lease is up (in november) because I dont think I can handle her getting kicked out or in a bigger mess. I have lately done more and talked to my family and friends and gone a few places, but everytime I do something there is some big argument about something and she also says that im just being stuck up everyones butt all the time. I asked her, "as opposed to being stuck up yours?". She is also very good at being rhetorical and pursuading me to think she is right. She gets my sympathy a lot and sometimes it seems like she is so good at being right even though I know she is wrong.

[AwdreeHpburn]

She's saying those things to manipulate you. Don't let it affect you. Water off a duck's back, yeh?

 

Let the landlord talk to her. So what? Let her ask her if she would like to have the lease transferred to her name, if she even can, because you are planning on moving out.

 

Who cares if she knows? You HAVE to get out. You can't stay with this woman and her problems.

 

You are not the baby's care taker, don't let her guilt you into ANYTHING.

 

As for fees. There all different. Maybe you could start the questioning to your landlord with the question "How much would it be?" I think a lot of time, the fee is the remainder of months but worst they can do is bill you.

 

I know its tough to think this way, cos its not ethical so much, but don't worry about that - right now - get out now and try to deal with it from the outside.

 

I'm not suggesting you ditch your responsibilities, I'm suggesting you get out and try to deal with it after - not from there, and from with in. Do you know what I mean?

 

Yeh - moving out and paying half the rent from some where else could work. But you can also get kicked out or in trouble if she is the only one living there and the lease holder is not.

[fearofmars]

Ill get a copy of the lease today and look over it. One thing my family worrys about a lot is that I take seizure medicine and a lot of stress doesnt help me much. It really gets to me. I had a grand-mal (sp?) seizure about 5 years ago when I was under a lot of stress. Thank you all for the replys. All this does make me feel better and helps me out.

[adahy]

I'd get away from this woman as soon as you can. Remember, it isn't your duty to mop up HER mess. It's not your fault she messed around w/ a married man. It's not your baby or your duty to be it's father. If fact, her child has a right to know who it's real father is. She obviously cheated on her last BF and the same will happen to you. She's a bad seed. A leach, moving from victim to victim to satisify HER needs. A bad girl will destroy you...emotionally and financially. Be glad you learned this lesson at 19. I'd get yourself back on track...that should be your first priority. When you're strong you'll be more able to provide for a good woman in the future. Don't be a mop for some troubled woman! I've known them...and they will make YOU pay for their mistakes....and they don't lose one moments sleep about it. Don't be fooled by the P.

[Jetta]

She sounds like an awful person. You need to leave her. Talk with the landlord to see about getting out of it, if you can't get out of it just let it go anyway. You'll likely just need someone to cosign for you to rent again, not really as bad as she's trying to make you think it is. Move back with your mom and get yourself together. Get in college and make a good plan for your future. Use protection that your in control of (make sure she doesn't have the ability to tamper with it).

 

You will be better off without her. Go quickly.

[fearofmars]

Thank you all for the advice. Im going to get out as soon as I can. Ill post back some things. Ive never had to seek any kind of advice in the past like this and now I know it really helps.

[TheFoglifter]

You are in a bad, though not unfixable position.

 

First of all, she is destructive, and does not deserve your help. She will drag you down with her. You should not worry about paying for half the rent with your (or your family's) hard earned money when she does not deserve it.

 

One option you can look into is transferring the lease. If the landlord is a big company, they sometimes let you transfer the lease to an apartment in another of their buildings.

 

Alternatively, you can try transferring the lease to another individual, and have them take your place. This is a simple transfer agreement, and you would get out scot-free, and leave the girl high and dry.

 

She is taking advantage of you plain and simple -- sounds like she is manipulative and controlling, and deserves nothing better than to fall flat where she belongs. You on the other hand have the possibility of a bright future.

 

Get out of that prison she has you in, and go back to college -- the time is slipping away, and if you don't do it soon, it'll be doubly hard to recover later on.

 

Do NOT walk away from the lease, your credit will be destroyed, and at this point in your life, with minimal credit history, you would be paying exorbitant rates for everything!!! Even if you dodged the creditors for the statute of limitations (varies by state) thats 3-6 years before it expires, and then the negative judgement stays on your credit report for 7-10 years. That means you would have a black mark following you until about your 30th birthday!

 

Also remember that a mother is the only woman who loves a man no matter what. Girls will come and go, but the fact that mom is still helping you is great. Hang in there, leave this sad sack behind, and go chase that star.

[ghost69]

leaving is the best thing here. hope you learned from this experience. first, don't get involved with women that have kids that you know are not yours. it's not good. second, don't let women control you. a relationship is a halfway thing. you give some, she gives some.

 

it seems this chick needs a man around to help her out all of the time. she seems manipulative by turning on a man, giving him his 'needs' and in return moving in with him to help with rent, other bills, etc. it's bs. women do this all of the time. at least you didn't get conned into having a kid with her. whew, you are lucky. did she even work?

 

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[fearofmars]

I do look at it as a learning experience. If I can get out of this with good credit ill be extremely relieved. From talking to her it sounds like we could work something out with me living at home and paying half the rent until november. Still thinking how to go about this day by day. Thank you all for your replys, this board is really helpful.

[ghost69]

you should tell the management of the apartments that you are in a bad situation and see if they can help or let you buy out ASAP.

 

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